Daughter of a Killer

I've officially launched a new subscription channel called We're All Insane Plus.

“We're inside you will get access to never before heard bonus episodes.”

All podcast episodes completely commercial free and my brand new show we're all healing where I sit down with experts, therapists, authors and healers to talk about how we actually process pain reconnect with our true selves and rebuild after trauma. You can subscribe to we're all insane plus in app on apple podcasts or Spotify or you can head over to we're all insane.com to learn more. Well hello, my name is Kara and I am from a small town called

Onesbroke and Tucky and I am here to kind of just explain the my story and my childhood and just to bring awareness to children with incarcerated parents and any child that has to grow up, you know, maybe not in a great home setting, so to speak, or childhood trauma, you know, and whatever face that might look like for them. I'm going to tell the story.

I guess I'm going to go into it with all the like brutal things that may have happened at first

because that's going to kind of set the tone of how the whole storyline plays out, how it affected my mom, how it infected my dad and how it affected my two brothers. So I am the baby girl of two

“older brothers who are absolutely adore, I think the world of my brothers, they have been my true”

real life heroes. Honestly, I don't know where I would be without both of them and to know what we have had to go through and for them to know what they have seen a little bit more firsthand maybe than I have and to see what how they are today is a Mac is beautiful. It is the most, I can't I sometimes I can't even put it into words like how much because I just I'm still in awe. I still set back on like oh my gosh wow. So yes, so my dad was in prison my whole life for 32 years.

I'll be 33 next month. He was in and out of prison and he actually recently died. It was a year ago around about a year ago and I unfortunately did not get to make a men's meet with him either so

“but that's okay. It's all good but like I said I'm going to start back to the beginning and kind of”

let's what I'm going to set the tone and then we'll go into this. And you're probably about to answer this anyway if you're about to start at the beginning but so when you were born he was already in prison. Yes, okay so when he had went to prison when I was three months old. Okay. I was three months old my brother was five and my other brother was ten years old and my mom and it was my mom

grown up my mom never lied to us. My dad went to prison for manslaughter self-defense so that's where

it all started. I'm going to go into the kind of person my dad was my dad loved to live life on the edge. He loved the vast life but anything that thrilled him anything that may have brought him adrenaline anything from what I've been told he went after. My dad was he my dad never really had like a normal job so to speak. My dad was heavily into maybe some things that weren't considered normal by any means and like a better term. My dad was a very big drug dealer very big drug dealer.

So my mom so the all the stories that I have been told my whole life. My mom told me that just just that. My dad was just on drugs and probably about two years before I went born was born he just kind of went crazy that he was going wild. He wasn't coming home. He wasn't finding nothing good that was offered to him. He was running around and cheating on my mom a lot. My mom you know it was working taking care of two boys and was pregnant.

So I'm going to start off with like the night that my dad had committed I guess the murder like a better terms. So and I'm going to start off with the the very day because I do know that like my heart. So they wake up my family does and it's a normal day. My brother's go to school and my mom comes back home and gets ready is getting ready for work. My dad is not home at the time. My dad is at home at the time. So and he pops up. So my brother Ron had told me he remembers

which was just down the just right down the street from where we lived and he heard like my dad's

“core and like heard the tires and he said I just remember looking outside the window at the”

parliamentary school and he knew something was bad and he told me he said, "care I kept calling home that day. I kept calling home. I knew nobody was answering." So to right just a jump right back into it. My dad gets home and it's mid-morning and mom said he's just going off like he's going crazy

which I'm sure is from coming off the drugs from detoxing this that the third. So my dad gets into

it with my mom and mom is like fighting back just trying to get away from him so she can finish getting ready for work and then he pulls a gun out on her and mind you I was on the bed I was three months old so he held my mom on that gun point the morning that this happened so my mom said she remembers being in the kitchen rolling her hair and the next thing she knows she's down on the ground and he has the gun pointed into her stomach. She said that she was under the gun I can't remember

how long but it was it was a couple of hours it was a couple of hours. It was just holding her down there. He was just holding her down there. He was like he was straddled on top of her and just I can't remember what what was the discussion behind that but she remembers telling me she because I had talked to her I'm like mom like what had happened that day like what were you know this that figure out what was going on and she said care I just kept praying she said I just kept praying and

I kept telling on hey the white I love you why are you doing this I love you we have kids like don't do this what are you doing we're gonna get out of it everything's gonna be okay. I'm gonna back

up a little bit and and start off with saying that my dad never got a fair chance in my opinion

out life because I remember asking my mom why had why are all of his brothers and sister so successful but he couldn't be and she said care he was hit by a car when he was three years old and it caused him to have lifelong epilepsy and ever since then he was not treated well at all and then there was one time I know that my mom said my dad my I'm sorry my grandpa had showed up at home and my dad was like tied to the tree because he was being bad and his like mom kept him

“you know tied to the tree because she couldn't handle him so and it's just I think that's kind of”

wear his background was in great right yeah and then he gets you know like I said earlier he gets involved in some shit that you get too far into that has power that has so much power you can't get out of it knowing how much you want to get out of it yeah you are too far into the game so to speak you there's there's no coming back so back to the day this happened mind the night prior my

brother remembers my dad coming home and he had two thirds of a million dollars laid out

on the kitchen table on counters and I think what had happened was that's when my dad realized there was some money missing a significant amount of money because that has what I've been told my whole life is that it was the the murder happened because of money there was missing money and then once I got older there it out drugs were involved as well and my brother told me he said care I remember looking at the table and seeing that money and he said he picked some money up

and he threw it at my dad and he said get out of our house this is double we don't need your double money like what are you doing at 10 years old right okay like so back to the day he's holding on on a gun point sorry I know it's hard to not jump back and forth because it's like you're trying to make sure you get like backstory but also you know fill it in with like what's happening it makes sense you're good and and and that's what yeah that's what it is

“yeah and honestly it doesn't matter if that's how it plays on your head exactly I'm like at”

this point this is right the ask it case of a story back that's what it's a beautiful story as well right thank you sir and and then yeah that the night that that happened the money and I'm thinking that's when I guess probably the decision was made or my dad was advised by a certain

you can take your pick so he had my mom pinned down to the ground with the pistol and my mom

for like an hour and a half she said that she managed to wiggle herself to the back door of our house and she said that she started kicking the back door with her foot and hopes that our neighbors that are still her neighbors to this day would see it so the phone starts ringing and I assume that's Ron calling because he had been calling from school the home morning and my mom looked at my dad and said hey do I you really need to answer the phone because that's my mom looking for

“Kara because my mom is gonna take me down there on her way to work looking for Kara you need to answer”

it so my dad answers the phone and my mom said that she's just keeping her eyes on him the whole

time she is just watching him she said because she knew as soon as he got his eyes off of her

she was gonna run sure enough to get on the phone and it was her brother I think maybe it was definitely somebody that was close to her and he sure enough he had turned his head and he was able to he had turned his head and he was able to my mom was able to run so my mom's run my mom runs out of the back door and she said that he goes to the back door and he is following her with the gun and her plan was she was just gonna bust through our neighbor's house

and she said that she was hiding between trees and so she couldn't miss a bullet could you fucking imagine could you fucking imagine being in that situation and happen to fear for you

your life you have a newborn baby on the bed your mom's looking for you your jobs looking for you

and it's survival mode yeah you you fucking hit the ground running you don't think twice about it and she did that and I'm like even still to the stay I'll look at her and I'm like you are the strongest woman I've ever met in my entire life so my mom busts through our neighbor's door

“and tells my neighbor what happens my neighbor walks over there I think that's when he grabbed me”

he went up to my dad and said hey get out of here whatever you got just go just leave my dad leaves so that day and my mom did not call the cops I wonder often why she didn't call the cops I was gonna ask you how were they did they have a good relationship other than obviously that but like prior to that how was there yes relationship together yeah I know my mom said she loved him my mom said that she loved him and they had so much fun together they a little

inside about them they loved fashion they loved different like outfits they loved going to dinner parties they they were just like your ultimate your ultimate couple and family so that's a situation do you think it was just kind of like a pitchy say it was a one-off type of situation or did things like that happen sometimes and it definitely was definitely a one-off situation that prior to that she knew he was going downhill for a couple of years and but she didn't know

it was going to be this bad right because I was going to say maybe she didn't call the cops because it was still so surprising and shocking to her in a sense yeah you know like even if she had an idea in her mind like oh things are going downhill I mean if you love somebody and you

“do have so many things that you enjoy doing with them I think it's kind of like you don't you”

know what I mean yeah like you have that internal battle of do I call to protect myself yeah of my kids or do I say maybe he's just really going through it you know right to the extreme right but yeah it's like it's so you can't put yourself in the position unless you're like in it I feel like with things like that it's so easy for people I think in general like when they hear stories they're like why don't you do this or that and it's like especially when you're in shock

to yeah you know I mean like absolutely yes yeah it's hard it's very hard and to want to do the the reason I guess we do and don't things is because for the bigger picture yeah right to get an understanding like you want to understand your brain wants to be with a rapper like rapid around things absolutely absolutely so she did not call the cops and after school was out the boys were out and she had grabbed me and the boys and we went down and stayed with my

name all and I'm gonna say this much I was raised by my name all and I love her so much she did such a good job and it wasn't because my mom was a bad mom it wasn't because my mom had you know

a week really my mom had to provide for three kids and she did as she did that she did that

to the to the core so I have a lot of respect for my mom sometimes I think that she doesn't understand that but the way that I look at her and I'm like bow down to her because the shit that you've been through I mean I don't know I don't really say how anybody could you know what I mean so the day that that happened we're down at my grandma's and it's probably two o'clock in the morning my mom gets a phone call from downtown and they're like hey go can you come down here we

want to ask you some questions and she said is this is a fake name Joe dead and all they said

“was you have to come down to the station and she said she knew instantly what had happened”

so she gets down to the station and she's she's being interviewed and it's a female detective and the first thing that female detectives she tells me this more than once so this moment for her was definitely something powerful for for whatever reason that may be but the detective had said

down and said I'm just gonna let you know that you're always gonna remember the truth you never

gonna remember a law and my mom said I have no reason at all to lie to you so that's when they told her that my dad had killed Joe okay so that's where that's where everything goes down south so from what I know in mind you I'm three months old so I don't know I wasn't there didn't witness

“the first brutal part of this so I'm under the impression that my dad after everything”

I went down with my mom that morning he had figured out who had taken the money money being Joe Joe taken the money and so my dad bused into his house he sneaks into his house that night

and I'm not really sure what happened but they start they get into a fight huge altercation

my dad I thought he was stabbed in and this this same night I thought my dad was stabbed a bunch of times but it was actually a couple weeks prior to that he was stabbed for whatever reason oh but jatoms and I'm thinking that it was still had to do with the money and Joe and the drugs and then just the people that in the agreement yes that he was in so whatever happens I don't know my dad I don't really know what happened with the in that situation but so the story that I

was told in the impression that I was under is that well the reason why my dad got away with manslaughter and not murder was because the crime scene was so bad somebody wasn't going to make it out a lot this prop this came out I'm sure in court during the trial but Joe actually had a huge court board and pieces of paper on how he was going to kill my dad I forgot to mention this I forgot to mention this I knew I was going to do this also leading up to this either a month

couple weeks prior to this Joe was found underneath our house so Joe had one night we're all at home Joe had came underneath our house underneath our cross base and was like listening and was like hiding underneath there for a couple of hours and the next day my mom said Joe had came back and shows up in my dad's not there and my mom let's him in and my mom's like why are you here hey you know Dwight's not here why are you here and he he had said something about my dad had

a pair of ostrich boots that my dad I mean I even still remember these ostrich boots after he got out of prison but he actually went to my dad's closet and got these boots and my

“mom was like what are you doing like you need to go you need to leave you need to go my kids are here”

Dwight's gonna find out you're here this is not gonna be good and he tried to kiss my mom and my mom was like please leave well that's been assuming my dad had found all that out I'm not quite sure what exactly like the moment up to it but it's just like the general idea but everything it's a new year and if we're being honest a lot of us don't feel like ourselves anymore stress trauma survival mood it all shows up in the body and weight management can feel especially overwhelming when you've

and what actually works and what's safe that's why I want to tell you about weight loss by hers through hers you're connected with a licensed medical provider who actually learns your story and determines if treatment is right for you if prescribed your plan is personalized and can include options like oral medication kits or GLP1 injectables plus nutrition tips tracking tools and 24/7 support this isn't about punishing your body it's about steady realistic progress

without the yo-yoing feel like you're best self again visit for hers dot com slash and seen to get a personalized affordable plan that gets you that's F-o-r-h-e-r-s dot com slash and seen for her's dot com slash and seen we lost my hers is not available everywhere how to jump out of or not proves we're evaluated for safety effectiveness work quality by FDI prescription is required see website for full details importance information and restrictions actual price depends on products and

the number just did you know that the modern adoption industry was basically created by a woman

who stole babies and sold them to wealthy families hi I'm Jeremy Schwartz from American criminal where you can hear that story and plenty more just like it we take you inside the minds of our most notorious felons and outlaws exploring the dark side to the American dream you can listen to American criminal wherever you get podcasts or at americancriminal dot com that happened in the night that it happened the crime scene was so bad somebody wasn't gonna make it out of love they actually

had found my dad shot halfway in a lake but he was a love so I'm not really sure what happened I'm not sure about the fighting or what even led up to that yeah how my dad did it don't have a clue but

“he was found shot and Joe was dead so then my dad that is when my dad got sentenced to I think it”

was 12 years 13 years for manslaughter certificates and then that's where that's where my wife starts that's where the crazy mess starts that's where all the daddy issues start that's where all the beautiful mess starts so the only hit this is sell side the only I mean that's about word the first time I've ever seen my dad in person was in prison the first time I ever had to meet my dad was in prison my dad goes to prison my mom's left with a three month old a five year old

and a 10 year old little boy and she's like what do I do so my mom just works again my mom's working six to seven days a week I'm nonstop I know that she worked that much because she had to provide but I also sometimes wonder did my mom work so much to numb everything you know what I mean did she work so much to get away from everything I'm not sure if she'll ever even answer that question either you know what I mean because I don't I don't know she even still knows that answer

but the the first memory I have of going to the prison was pretty pretty crazy um very scary very scary I just remember they had to pill me off of my brother and my mom had to pill me off

“of it the first time that I went and I think a couple other times meeting my dad in prison for the”

first time did a bunch of wonders to me um I will say it leaves you with lifelong anxiety it leaves you with lifelong quest being confused it leaves you with lots of lots of questions and it also sets you up for tons and tons of broken promises years worth of broken promises so I remember going into the prisons to the prison so my dad wasn't federal prison the first time um I'm not gonna say the name of that or anything so I'll just keep that out but into Kentucky he was he was stone

instead of Kentucky so and I remember when going into the prison and getting searched I will never

forget what every CO looked like I will never forget what the guards looked like and one thing that I don't remember being there is my mom being in the room with me I do not remember being searched with my mom in there or brothers nothing so I don't know maybe because this was back in the early 90s was this what they did was it protocol and was it the

“search consist of I just remember just a simple like pat down your shoes you have to take your shoes off”

I remember one time they didn't let me in because I didn't have a slip underneath like a longer

skirt or a dress that I had was wearing you had to always wear like baggy clothes like baggy clothes

like basic clothes there and then the search consisted of like I said just a quick pat down and then

“like taking our shoes off and stuff so during the visits I'll never forget those either it okay so”

this is also what I'm trying to figure out how do you as a little girl go to this environment that is so fucking intimidating and scary it's prison it's clear I'm sorry it's gray blocks it's white walls it's the most sterile thing in this world the the vibes you get from prison you just it's such like it almost take it almost sucks the life out of you it's darkness it's negativity there's got can feel the energy it's bad energy it is very very bad energy it might keep

I think too you know when you think of a child and the innocence of a child and how you know

and in your childhood you have all these like you don't think about anything serious you know

“so I think being put into such a serious environment that is so scary and so intimidating”

and you know so dark I think it it it makes sense how it could make a child feel like you know all their it is since it's just being sucked out of them right it you're exactly right because so you are in this environment as a child and you are also having to meet the man that is your father in this environment not only meeting the man that's your father but this man killed somebody right so you're you're looking at this person every visit that you go to and

you're you're thinking how how are you how are you being nice to me you think all these things you even think some fucked up shit you even think what were you thinking when you did that what what did that mean to you like why did you do it do you regret it are you sorry but when you're a child you don't know how to ask those things and quite frankly I don't think you even realize you want to know those things until you are over yeah until you

can realize like hey this is not what this is not how this is supposed to go this is not how this is that's not what a normal family is like being set up I remember going into the prison to the specific one and only looking at a mural in the wall where families would like sit down and take their picture together because those are the only happy thing in there and I remember just like there was like rainbows and lady bugs and sunshine's on it like your typical rainbows

and unicorns I just remember always looking at that my dad wanted to be a good dad while he was

in prison and mind you he did not get up till I was 13 my dad wanted to be a good dad and I know that first hand because every phone call that I've received every card that I have ever gotten

“every letter that I have gotten had always always said hello beautiful that's what a dad”

is supposed to do to a daughter because to me you know as a dad you're the one that sets the tone on how a woman is supposed to be treated you're the one that sets the tone what a man is supposed to provide for a woman you're the one that's supposed to set the tone of protection here the one that sets the tone for how fucked up this world is you know you you're the one that is supposed to do all those things right and you question it every time you you want to have

such good innocent conversations with your you know parent that might be behind bars because more than anything you just want to get to know him you want to know everything there is to know about him but you it's so hard to because it's almost like you don't hold a grudge necessarily but you hold you yearn you yearn for the pure genuine love that like a dad is supposed to give you you know and even when you're not at those visits when you're not in the prison the lot the letters

the cards the phone calls he's promising he's going to do so much better you know he's promising when he gets out our life is going to be everything we've ever dreamed of you know and when you

and it's just like why why did you go against what you said why did you go against your promise just to simply be in a dad that you're supposed to be like why did you go against that but as you

“get older you you learn to you have to be all those things on your own too you know so”

I remember visiting him in prison and I hated it absolutely hated it I don't even know if I would recommend any mother maybe taking young children into prison because the setting along what it

does in fact do to you later on in life you're never going to forget it and you want to forget it so bad you

know but I understand why my mom did it I understand why my mom took us because she wanted so bad to continue to do the right thing she wanted so badly and it seems like she was very open with you guys yes very very open and very thankful that she was because you know their life you meet people with the same or you you hear stories you know people about well their dad went to prison their mom went to prison and or you hear well I'm not going to tell them their daddy's just at

“where mom's just don't work I don't think you need to do that I don't think that's a good idea at”

all because you're eventually that that white lie that you tell children is eventually going to be broken like you're eventually going to break their heart because they're eventually going to ask why couldn't you tell me the truth because I've had to ask my mom what are those things too so I'm going to go back to being in prison and all that good stuff he gets out I go visit him I can honestly remember it a handful of times I think once I you know started to get a little bit

older started to develop this thing the third you know hit puberty that I think that's when my name was like okay stop don't take her back so for the first 13 years it was a lot of hope

and promises made during that 13 years my childhood was so amazing I had such a great childhood

with my name all my name all had like 10 of us cousins down there every single day every day in the summer and even my mom's out of the family they are the ones that truly supported us that love does and not necessarily sheltered us but they were just just exactly that like such a fucking support system that we needed you know what I mean and they that was like our normal life when when we were down in the malls so another problem that I think also where everything fucked up was so my dad

woke up in prison after serving 13 years and went to bed in our home the very same night and you

don't realize then what it could do you're just excited dad's home you're just excited I'm finally

have a dad here like finally get to you know experience what it's like having a family and you're so excited right I actually went with one of my uncle my uncle that did go pick him up actually went with him to go pick my dad up and I remember the night before we went and got on did not sleep

“I was just just thinking like oh my god what my life is going to change and I don't know how you”

know it's really really hard to express the feelings that you have at that age and everything you've kind of just been through you know it's a huge adjustment it's a very big adjustment yes so for the first couple weeks it was just odd it was very very odd he almost did not know how to communicate with us well in fact he didn't know how to communicate with us I just remembered he smiled a lot I remember he was very calm he was just very very calm and just kind of

stayed to himself we had went to Walmart this for example of how just as an example of how people do in fact get sell shock and they can't come out of it he we had went to Walmart one time and he like did not shop with us he had kept all his things separate from us and didn't really just like even put his things in the same cart with us and it's just little things like that like I remember just looking and like so interesting because that mindset makes so much sense in that

out of it because that was his life I mean he was I think when you're in prison you still have that kind of like you're in survival mode yes you are you I don't know how he was able to keep like

such a straight face or like a such a persona like a strong this isn't because I would always ask him

and he would call like are you sad like are you scared is there bad guys there like what you tell me what presents like and my dad never really elaborated on it he never really got much into detail

“with it and I think that was just because he was sheltering me in a sense he was sheltering me”

in a way that I didn't quite understand so growing I'm going back to my dad getting out of prison and mind you I'm going to back up from when I was a little girl I hated daddy daughter dances I don't know why I did but I just remember they would decorate like the school gyms and it was always so cute as always like did they just made it so exciting and I remember like all of my friends setting around and like talking about the dresses they were going to wear and the shoes they were

going to wear and just and I never got to go to a daddy daughter dance I never got to experience that and as a little girl that that's a big big thing you know you want to be able to do that with your dad and you were so jealous of the girls that did get to I remember being almost embarrassed when I was going to say he took the words out of my mouth I remember being embarrassed for the

part when he was in prison the first time just always feeling embarrassed it was to the point to where

I wouldn't even tell people his real name I would use like his name is Charles Dwight and I would use Charles he would go about the white I was he Charles and it hopes that nobody would pick up you know

“like who my dad was I think too you know as a child if there's ever something that you can't do”

I think in a circumstance or situation like that naturally it's like you don't I feel like you don't really know many emotions and you don't understand really a lot of what's going on so the first thing I think you jump to is embarrassment because technically in that situation you're not fitting in you know what I mean you're not able to participate and it hurts I think it hurts I think it's it feels it's not embarrassing but it feels embarrassing yeah you know and it's I think it's

for a child that's so difficult it is and another it's so to not have anybody to be able to relate to yeah when you have somebody in prison and as a child I had nobody that I could talk to that would understand so the general filling the general emotion that I had from all this is I was just a fright of him I was afraid of my dad I was afraid of just just everything as a whole you know I was

just afraid of it when he got out the first time did you have any type of fear of him when he moved

back with you guys or were you just being the excited I had fear the fear didn't start until he started going down a rough path again okay I was I was downright genuinely so happy my brothers were so happy it was such a happy moment what about your mom my mom was very excited she was very happy as well she had big hopes for my dad she genuinely did think that my dad took that time and changed that my dad took that time and learned his lesson that he did change

for the better because you know her kids why wouldn't you want to why wouldn't you want to do better because of your children that are at home why wouldn't you you had a chance to not only get sober a chance to rehabilitate yourself and a chance you get a second chance because there's not there's a lot of people that don't get that there's a lot of people that don't get a second chance he did

“so he's out and for about six months and then that's when the fighting started happened I remember”

a lot a lot of argument arguing and a lot of just bickering in my house growing up in that time that's when it started my brothers at the time like said I was 13 my brothers were 24 and 18 yeah because two of us were still in school so like my oldest brother like for example he was a huge car driver like a rice car driver just local tracks and stuff and um I remember like

head get everything ready do this that and the other and it just not happen right it just didn't

“happen my dad promised us a dog one time I remember he promised us that he the flight think this”

this money started let me back up okay so about six months later that's when he started getting on the drugs again um he had brought around out when that forget his this specific friend that he brought around and we had talked about like the energy that prison can bring and then

just how you're intuition feels like you're gut-filling I remember the first time he came around

this man was up to no good you could look at him in his eyes and just know whoa you're not a good person like you have a black cloud following you nonetheless and so my dad was that's when he started staying away from the house a lot more often we weren't seeing him as often we and if he was home he was home for like 10 or 15 minutes like 20 minutes just and we're like what are you doing like

“what in the hill is going on well I remember one day I came home from school I was in middle school”

got off the bus and I walked into my house and my house is full of some pretty cringy dudes

and I'm like where's my dad because he's supposed to be my dad's nowhere to be found

and I'm like what the fuck where who are you and I just could say where's my dad and I remember going over to my neighbors and just telling them like hey I don't know what's going on but my dad has all these people in the house he's not there my mom's at work and that was that you know situations like that if the fights at home ever got bad it was normal for me to run over to my neighbors um my memo raised me like on the weekends and stuff I did stay with my mom

and in the childhood home during school like the school week so I could go to school so then that happened I walked in there was all these dudes so it was probably about two weeks after that I had walked in and my dad is stirring a pot on the stove and it had no smell and I'm like what is he doing and he just kept stirring the shit for hours and I didn't know for sure what it was then

“but I knew what it was again I go tell me he's he's doing he's making drugs like that's what he's”

doing and come to find out that's exactly what he was doing in our home my mom almost had work so and as a bunch of just little is shit like that you know growing up it was horrible some things that caused it was just a lot of fighting a lot of arguing a lot of hate that became that came into the home from the time he got on started using again me and my actually my brother and I when he came back home because my dad didn't hold up the end of the deal you know because my

dad didn't go to work because he didn't help my mom all now with the bills or anything like that that caused one of my brothers to literally have to use a bathroom as a bedroom like he did not we didn't have a huge house grown up and him and my other brother they shared a room until I was old enough to rock you know they couldn't anymore relationship happened this like that and my brother he used the bathroom a what as a bedroom and just for like privacy and stuff and you know

my dad like still didn't even take the initiative to care you know he still didn't take the initiative nothing went off on him and thought wow you know this this is not right or I want better for them

I want better for them that never honest to God it never registered in his mind um I can't remember

if this was before after the bust hi guys it's me Davora I am so excited to finally share this with you all I've officially launched a new subscription channel called we're all insane plus we're inside you will get access to never before heard bonus episodes all podcast episodes completely commercial free and my brand new show we're all healing where I sit down with experts, therapists, authors and healers to talk about how we actually process pain reconnect with our true selves

and rebuild after trauma you can subscribe to we're all in same plus in app on apple podcasts or Spotify or you can head over to we're all insane dot com to learn more hi guys it's me Davora the we're all insane merch door is officially open I've been working so hard on this line and

favorite the crew necks with the matching sweatpants and let me just tell you they are so comfortable and so soft it is my favorite thing to wear and the colors are so cute this is my very first launch and we only printed a limited amount so once it is gone it's gone so make sure you had to

wear all insane dot com and grab yours today so one of my brothers was a he never liked it drugs

or anything he never even really drank alcohol so like anytime he needed money or anything like when my dad was out he would give my brother money like without it and I did have a brother who

“struggled a lot with addiction growing up he I remember he was very very young even when he just”

started smoking marijuana for the first time he was maybe 12 or 13 like maybe 12 if not younger and at this time this was when my brother was kind of starting to spiral out of control a little bit that's when even more trauma happened at home so my dad had gave my brother

drug my brother had asked my dad for money hi and had my brother had asked my dad for money this

brother did and my dad literally gave him dope a bag of drugs and said okay go sell it and you can keep everything yeah so it was probably in that that right there that caused my brother to also like getting into addiction yeah you know he was 14 15 maybe even 16 at the time and your dad's

“telling you hey you want some money go sell some drugs that's how you get your money and”

again in such a short amount of time when we're thinking that everything is going to be okay it's lip lash I mean we're trying to stay above you know so I remember one day I was in middle school and I had this same like in tuition I feel like that something wasn't right going on at home and night at home and days at home we're getting worse and worse with the fighting and the yelling

and him just being completely strong out just being completely out of it like my dad never went back

to work when he got out of prison he never did the right thing he and hindsight got out he was okay and went right back to the streets so I remember being in middle school and that morning it was

“and this was when my mom was still married to my dad my mom was at work and my oldest brother was”

at home he was 23th at the time and this was when like it was confirmed that hey dad's a drug addict or the hey dad's going down he's doing some bad shit again so it was my oldest brother at home and my dad well my dad had at the time when this happened something out in the field that was covered and that very same day the national guard was flying around and seeing what my dad had covered it was and I don't know if I can say this so this can be up to you it was in hydrist tanks

without farm tags on them covered with the screen obviously you're making math so they catch mat they catch it in the field and they bust in my my home they bust in the house my brother and this brother is the one who doesn't drink he doesn't smoke he doesn't do drugs he is just a clean cut dude was 23 years old and got woke up in his bed by two SWAT team officers on each side getting thrown into the back of a police car not knowing what the fuck is going on and he said

our house was swarmed he said the yard was swarmed with every law enforcement officer that you could possibly imagine so they pop in my house and they get my dad and my dad in the moment is telling like hey I'm not telling you guys like we're anything it's all like you're you obviously know why you're here take the tanks like I'm not telling anything else so sorry but there we go hey my dad's like okay so my dad's in one car in one cop car and my brother is in the other

they keep them separate and my brother said the whole time he was hot he was just like what the hell is going on so they come into the house and they demolish everything but at that point legally they can they have the documentation to do so they showed no mercy they took everything out of the cabinets they emptied the drawers out in our dressers like kept them out our house was demolished

and at that point they get to the point to where they are getting ready to cut open our furniture

“and that's when my dad stopped them and said like hey no more like I'll tell you where everything is”

no more and they they got like 20 grand in cash from my dad and they found like 30 pounds of pot but really they were after my dad because of the ancestors that they had found in the field so me and this is how badass my mom is so my neighbor called same neighbors I've been

talking about blessed them blessed both of them and they're amazing people and definitely have saved

us from a lot of shit my they were calling my mom and my mom was at work my mom left work at like one o'clock in the afternoon we were getting off the bus probably about four she goes into the she goes to work after at this point my dad's arrested and my dad my brother gets cleared everything's normal they leave the house in this so my neighbor calls my mom and is like hey you know blah blah this that and the other and my mom said let me know when they leave

“so my mom went home and the neighbor went over there I think she did I think the neighbor went over there”

and helped her clean our house I walk in and our house is fucking spotless I had we had no idea what happened yeah we had absolutely no idea what happened until probably about a couple days afterwards my mom left work and went home and cleaned it out and cleaned the house out just to keep us that much more protected protected so to speak and that's when everything kind of kicked off to with the mom other brothers addiction so my dad had went to county jail for maybe a year or two

I can't remember really because that's when I was like okay I'm never going to get the father

this isn't going to be the father and daughter relationship that I've yearned for for so long yes the hope was gone and so of course I'm a teenager and I'm just trying to stay afloat right I'm trying to stay afloat I'm trying to be a normal person I'm trying to just move on from it I'm trying to just move past from it I'm trying to let it go and accept it for what it is right so mom this is when mom divorces him and this is when mom divorces him and he I think he's homeless

for maybe about a year or so can't remember where he was exactly he ends up getting remarried to a woman

that I have no idea who this woman is I don't know her name nothing and he was in fact on drugs again

just like super just super fucked up every time we saw him he would show up randomly he showed up randomly

“one time at our house I'll never forget I was I don't know maybe about 17 16 17 and it was a summer”

it was a summer it was a beautiful beautiful day my brother was going through some things and just facing some issues and was just having a rough day that day and I guess maybe he had called my dad I don't really know what got my dad back out to our house I don't know why he showed up my dad showed up and he was he there was these two people with them and I had obviously there were strangers they not great people and my brother goes outside and my mom runs out

after my brother and I don't know what was going on I just remember I go outside and my dad is beating the living fuck out of my brother like beating him to pieces and I did not know what to do so I just ran into my neighbor took my other neighbor's house and probably about two or three minutes after I was outside just watching this and my mom knew not to get too close to the situation but she was like throwing rocks at my dad to get him to stop and I told my friend I was like we

have to go back I had like I got to go see my brother make sure he's okay so I ran back like through the yard just ran back over there and when I ran over there my other brother popped up out of nowhere nobody called him nobody told him what was going on nothing he comes out he gets my dad off of my other brother beats the hell out of him throws him in the car and said leave leave us alone get away from us so for again for about a year our dad was like terrorizing

mean you're a dad and beating the shit out of your son like you're too far gone way too far gone

so my brother ran that's okay whatever yeah run my brother was able to get my dad off of him and he I did not see my dad for a while I didn't see him for a while so it was was pregnant okay I didn't see my dad for a while he had called me once or twice and then I remembered I answered and I was like hey I'm out you've done nothing but wreck my childhood life you have done nothing but make broken promises that you didn't keep you didn't do anything that you were

supposed to do um it's best that you stay out of my life because I want to at that point I wanted to just kind of remove him and go one I kind of you wanted to heal from it so bad yeah I think you you it seems like as any child would you held on to the idea of him getting his shit together and stepping up to the plate and being the dad that you wanted and needed and he didn't and I think that

“it gets to a point where like you said you must become better towards the person because you're like”

you're just making it worse yes for yourself you know it's like it was better if they just were gone yes and continuing to just come and disappoint and disappoint yes just stay away just stay away so I had gotten pregnant I was yeah I was 18 at the time I got pregnant and that

alone as such a young girl you know and never really knowing what if all their figure is knowing that

alone is so scary it was the scariest day of my it was the best day it ended up being one of the best days of my life yes but it was so scary to take one so we don't see my dad for a couple years neither and my brothers at this point had also kind of just like cut him off and kind of just what I wanted to do just like let it go and leave us alone and maybe down the lawn we can make a men's me and this is just what's best so I remember my memo at the time had called me she had called

“me and I'm assuming she called my brothers as well and she said hey Cara I think you need to come”

down here you need to read something in the newspaper and I'm like well what is it you know like what could it why can't you just tell me she's like no come down here I want to tell you in person rather than over the phone and I went down there and it had our last name sentence to 25 years to life and I was like what did he do what did he do now come to find out he had kidnapped his wife he was married to and she had taken a bunch of money from him and he they were I guess they were

had a shared checking account and she took all the money and he had went and he had no money one day and it was just it was a significant amount of money that was in this account and he kidnapped her handcuffed her to his car come to find out she was at the time I was guess working or involved with the police because they knew everything yeah they called it right there heard everything and so my dad at that point gets into to 25 years to life and I'm like what what do you do what in the

hell do you do at that point you know what I mean it's like do I ignore it because I almost did I almost ignore okay don't care like he's nothing to me he's dead to me he's nothing to me and I was like still hoping still just wanting my dad there just wanting so bad to maybe even maybe if he hears me talk to him he'll do this for me he'll listen to me no it didn't do anything so I'm like what do I do well after I read the newspaper I went down to the county jail where he was

still at and I went and saw him and I hadn't seen him for like two years after that and I wasn't

“showing at the time so he didn't know that I was pregnant and I would never forget just looking at him”

and you could tell through the glass and I had never really seen my dad there a glass it was always

in prison so I had set down visits with them when I was younger and I he just looked like he could

like he knew that I felt a certain type of way about he knew the disappointment I had when I

“looked across from that man and I think in that moment that's when I felt like he really did want”

to be a dad I think that's when it it started to okay he's starting to be sorry maybe he was

sorry maybe he's always been sorry maybe he's never had the chance to really tell me everything

that he needed to say so that's when it all started because I was like you know this has fucked up he's in prison or he's gone he's gone back to prison he has nobody to talk to he's in jail right now he's nobody so I went and saw him and I just remember the the look on his face the shock on his face he was he was very disappointed and seeing me so he had got his sentencing for the 25 years and he was actually getting ready to get shipped off at this point I think

I had went and saw him maybe a few more times while I was pregnant I remember the first time when I was my belly but my baby bump was showing and he was just smiling ear to ear like he was so happy for me he was so happy for me and I just remember going to seeing a few times and I remember he got his sentencing to get sent away again to prison and I didn't express this to anybody but I was like man I would love if he could just see my son just just seeing one time and it come to find out

I got lucky enough and was able to let him see my son through the glass like a week before he got sent off like it was very quick so he goes to prison again so everything that had happened in my childhood

“everything that you have to learn when you're young dealing with all that kind of stuff came back”

you know it came right back while I was trying to be a first time on and you're like

you're so torn right it's like the world's playing tug of war with you and you don't know what to do so I remember just telling myself I'm a mom now and I'm going to be above I forgive him everything that he's done all the hardships he everything that he's gone through I forgive him so I'm really going to kick off a relationship with them so at the time that's when at this point we were because used to back in you know the 90s you couldn't get on an email or if he's time call with

anybody you know it was straight through the mail it was a phone call and now they have all kinds of different apps that you can get on and they're able to do like FaceTime phone conversations with you yes yeah and you are able to send emails back so of course that was just like texting so there and this was very short lived this this I want to say it was a true genuine relationship with my dad when he was back in prison serving his sentence it was a very true genuine relationship

I remember telling him like updates about my son you know I remember just like talking to him and trying to get to know him and then it's almost like a flip or switch just flipped you know and I mean it it's like he didn't care anymore because I didn't hear from him as much he quit emailing me back he quit calling me he quit just not asking about me and you know in that moment you're like shit you know I thought we were getting somewhere and you can't do this anymore like you you're

“going away I think it's just conflicting because you know you have your younger self and the child”

do that just wants a parent whether it's a mom or a dad you know there's that's another thing people can probably relate to this that have a situation with their mom you know what I mean it doesn't have to be only a father for you yes yes absolutely you know and I think it's conflicting because when your child you are innocent you want that parent there and you want I think

you even your first love comes from a parent and when you feel that neglect and like they aren't

showing up for you or they aren't there I think it devalues a lot within yourself it's a music you have to teach yourself to build your own confidence you have to teach yourself to be

have that and then you get older and you start putting all the pieces together and you're like

we'll fuck this like you didn't step up to the plate your piece of crap stay away yes but then

“I think deep down you still have that little ache because the child you never healed from that”

yes and still just wants the best like it hurt like the little version of you wants the best and wants to hope that maybe just maybe you know like the hell we better this time or this me having a child to will save the relationship or mend it all and I think it's I honestly feel like it's a most more hurtful that you kind of it's like a tease you get a little bit and then it's gone again and honestly like from and I could be totally wrong but I think from

the way that you explained it to is maybe in his mind there are points that he wants to be there and show up and then he probably has a conflicting thing with an himself of like what what's the point of him just going away anyway right or maybe something where when he gets too close it makes him uncomfortable in his only option and his mind is to flee right so it's like you

never know and that's not an excuse by any means but it's just like humans are weird they

you know like it's complex it's weird and it is it's hard because it's like you know like we were saying before we started filming which which once again I know you'll get to but even with like you know advocating for like you know children to be able to have a daddy daughter dances and things like that it's it's difficult because you know in a as a big picture view of things it's like not a good idea that's that and the others there's so many reasons why it should be

now absolutely and you don't think about the trauma it causes to a child and people don't realize you don't stick with you anytime a parent that makes a false promise anytime a parent doesn't show up it's like we could forget our whole childhood years of it but those little key things

“they stick with you you remember them and they do set the tone for how you are as a person I think”

and those little things can just help it's more so for the child than for the parent absolutely oh my god you know what I mean it's just like do it for the well-being and the future of that child do it so that child doesn't feel like an outcast like we don't need anymore that we don't need a child to feel like they are different or they should be embarrassed or like anything like and I just feel like this is the last time I'll say about it but I just feel like there's not enough

like knowledge and education on the not norm if that makes sense like when kids have something go on even if it's like they just like lost their parent you know because that's another situation where that's so it's so not embarrassing thing but as a child if you have like a field trip and parents come and your parents are the only ones that aren't there because they're dead it's like you feel uncomfortable you feel awkward you feel embarrassed and whatever else and it's like

I feel like there's not enough education or openness about topics like that like in the school system where other children know or are taught to just like maybe provide more comfort or like something I don't know right it's not the only for it but you know I just think that it's kind of just rushed under the rug or like oh that's their situation like yet sad it sucks but like we can't stop it for the 90% that have the norm exactly it's not fair it's not fair no it's not at all and

you also and what you said you it's not educated enough like to know to just even be able to ask somebody something hey did you feel like this or does it still bother you today as an adult you there there's not that resource there you know there's there's just not and most importantly everything that you feel as a child it comes out to you in an adult way like it it still falls you it's still there and a lot of times it sucks like when you can't get rid of that guilt filling

or that oh shit filling or the embarrassment filling because it is still kind of just that you know

“what I mean it's still just that a little bit and I think that's I mean you said it just right”

I wanted so bad just a little bit of me like everything's going to be okay it's all going to be okay

and then it it then it just never was then it but just never was so I'll go back into

where I was with my dad we were he went to prison I went to go see him would see him one time one time so and then this is the this crazy part happens as well gosh and then so we're going back and forth but he so after I went to go see him it was probably about a year or two he was still fucked up and I don't know if maybe at this point my dad's mind just kind of went crazy from being incarcerated for 30 some odd years or heavy drug use but he was calling us

about sick probably about mid 60s at this point because my parents are just a little or

“they're older than me but just off the wall shit okay so he had called me and left me a voicemail”

and it was going off and he had said yeah Kara you can't play games your whole life you can run but you can't hide you think you're going to keep my grandson away from me it's almost like he called me that night because he said there and thought about all of his fears within manent like our relationship does that make sense he was literally telling me you can't keep my

grandson from me I'm going to take you to jail well first of all no you're not because you're locked

up and I'm like what is going on like some and he had called me he had called his brothers and sisters over a four-wheeler and we're all calling each other and I'll try to put our heads together around what the hell are you talking about what four-wheeler are you talking about dad like what are you in there actually doing yeah have you lost your have you lost it like come on so and we it was just some pretty crazy off the wash it and then he said something to me that

“he said this and that's all he needed to say he told me that prison was the best thing that ever”

happened to him and that he didn't want to be anywhere but prison okay you said that to me when I had just spent my whole life grieving you okay you just said that to me hoping and wishing that it was up to you like I said to fix to fix everything and you said that to your kids you said that shit like don't talk to me anymore that's when I was like you're done because I no longer could allow that I could not allow our relationship to take over my life because it was and

at that point I was done done with them so it was you know everything that kind of happened was

I'm going to say the the second time he was in prison kind of happened with them like

maybe two or three years so everything was pretty pretty still fresh so to speak it was still like oh shit you know what's going on it's a mess so my brother my oldest brother had at this point rotten my brothers were in contact with him I was not I had cut all contact off they still talk to him so my one of my oldest brother he hadn't heard from my dad in a couple of days and he started to get worried and he was like you know whereas yeah it was okay like I don't

understand where he's at nobody tells him anything he tries to get in contact with the prison nobody tells him anything at all come to find out my dad had a stroke in prison in a cell and he was left there a little bit longer than he needed to be which caused my dad to be he was then paralyzed completely on his left hand side so this that this had happened over it was over a

weekend time that my brother had found this out and my brother finally gets told that he went up

and had the stroke and he was in the hospital out there and that he was getting out of prison because I'm assuming I don't I didn't really ask because at this point I wasn't in contact with them but I'm assuming because he was more of a liability okay I'm surprised they can just right I'm sorry for such a long sentence too and especially being a person they call him PFOs persistent felony offenders and so and that's what he was just from like the drug bus

and the charges and stuff before so I don't really know why or how he got out

“but I remember that there was like talks that my dad was gonna go live with my brother”

well my niece his youngest daughter was still living with him at the time and flipped out I'm like no no because I had to live through it and look at what it looked at the trauma it caused look at everything it caused he was bringing into that house when he's not there exactly I was said I've completely flipped I was like you can not it can't happen do not fuck her life up don't do it and my nephew's like oh my gosh it was so bad so my brother respected me

he respected that for sure and they were trying to find a nursing home forum I guess I'm not

before he passed away so so he was still like in an in the nursing home he was still I guess

“sheltered he was still in a confined living area did you ever visit him in that time I did not okay”

no I did not visit him no because I was I pretty much had wrote him off at that point yeah he had I did I was around him once maybe twice and my son had met him those times but just for

like an hour so I never let my son get too close to him and I never talked about my dad

whole whole lot in front of my son just so my son would never be like me and ask questions and just be curious you know like I knew that my dad was never going to be able to hold up a relationship or be a grandpa and so I wanted to just kind of bear that you know I kind of wanted to just now we're going to I can handle it like let me handle it it's okay again I just kind of fold my mom's advice I did not tell okay or I told him the truth about everything and told him

why I didn't want to talk to my dad and so I told him everything so he could get an understanding so I had gotten a phone call also during this time that my dad had a pretty

“serious surgery I can't remember what it was maybe something on his liver is something definitely”

internal and that they weren't sure he was going to make it and they were like carry you need to come see him and I'm like okay so I remember like hanging up off the phone hanging the phone up and I was like I don't know about that because you know how many times I needed a him to come and see me and he wasn't there now it's now now he wants to see me I need to do this no I'm done like I'm done right right I'm done exactly well I just really thank you know and

some of his family well I just really really think that you would regret this and I'm just going to say this much I don't want to say a whole lot just to keep kind of keep the piece his family

never supported him his family never had anything good to say about him his family didn't really

care how we were doing they saw us on Christmas and Thanksgiving that was it and then when we got older we told mom you don't have to keep taking us like to these functions so his family he never never just really had a bunch of support from him his family was saying oh yeah I really thank you need to make a men's meet with them and I said okay I can I can do that put them on the phone like right then and they in the hospital I did not care and I told him everything that I felt I told him

exactly how I felt about everything my entire life I said you know dad I'm sorry I'm so sorry that we could not have a father daughter relationship that we both wanted so very badly because we did you could tell despite everything that had happened you could tell that my dad did want to be a good person that he did want to do the right thing he did want to

try his hardest and I said it just never happened you know it's not your fault it's not my fault

but it's just something that we need to let go it's just something that we need to let go I'm sorry I said but you you know you did more harm than you did good to me and me and the boys my whole life and I just wished them well I just wished them well I told them that I loved him and

“did I mean that at that moment I don't think so and I think that that's so fucked up for me to say”

but it's just something that I don't know if I did yeah but okay do sometimes we say I love you out of have it yeah and I think that's that's not okay I don't think we need to just freely throw that around nonetheless so to speak I guess it doesn't make sense at all so then this is when I guess I start getting introduced to the guilt so my dad makes it out of the surgery right and I'm like well that what I don't cost you out when you were dying on the table I've already

you know dismissed this whole relationship what do I I don't know I don't know what more I can do so I had he had tried to talk to me so much after he got out after he made that surgery he

he was asking them hey if you can get a chance to tell it just talk to me just to come see me right

would even tell there was somebody I had went to school with that I'm assuming was a nurse or something in the facility that he was in and I didn't know it at the time but said person was showing him you know pictures and stuff of me and of my son and I had seen this person out one time and he pulled me over to the side and he was like hey Kara he was like I know your dad told me what

“happened right with everything and your whole life growing up he said but I really think that you”

need to give him a chance he said because his whole entire face lights up when you when he talks about you when he sees pictures of caseen that's all he talks about is you and I knew that was true because how much he tried to reach out to me he would call me days in and days out and I didn't answer I was a bitch a cold-hearted bitch and he even told that person who you know dealt with my dad a little bit it was like I don't keep a fuck about him I don't care you know with my life's better

without him and during this time it's like he was almost too sick to be this badass anymore you know then my brother I was at work one day and my eldest brother called me no he messages mean he said hey call me and I was like okay and he said Kara I know you don't care he said but they're calling

a hospital and dad and I don't think he's gonna make it and I was like frozen I've never had this

feeling of being frozen before I didn't know it to do because as to be real it was already too late right it was already too late and I was like I still don't think I'm over that I still don't think that I know how to handle that I'm learning but I do know I didn't hesitate he was probably about an hour away from us and I didn't hesitate I went right there so I went right there and my dad was just already sleeping you know how like when somebody passes they're just in a very peaceful

“like reason or resting state and I just I remember going there and I didn't leave a side up until it”

was time to leave for the night I just okay sorry I'm jumping ahead it kills me but I remember going and just being by a side and he wasn't awake but they could they told me he could still hear me and so I told him that I forgave him and that I loved him and that I was sorry because more than anything I am sorry for maybe being so cult-hearted for being so maybe dismissive when I could have been a little bit more understanding you know so I told him I wanted him to

know that and I just remember looking at this man and I felt so sorry for him like laying in that bit and I'm like here you are with nobody you're done with nobody except your children

“you know like it's crazy that's just what I remember thinking just thinking being just”

feeling so sorry for him so I had went home that night and because I was with my sister and law and my niece and my brothers stayed with him and they got through the night and so the next morning I was on my way and I was driving up there and this is also a town that I was not super you know familiar with and I just remember my brother calling me and saying that you know he was gone that he was gone and I remember like getting cold I remember literally getting cold and so

none and just like what it was it was fucked up I remember I pulled over to the side at a gas station went to the bathroom and I texted my friend I was like he's gone and I'm like he's just like that you know so I go and see him before the funeral home picks him up and

what what it it's what you would expect and I'll never forget they had brought the funeral home

and it was just me and my brothers I'll never forget this like even even when you were so old and

“you were on not in good circumstances old hub habits die so hard they you can't let them go so we're”

packing all this stuff up and we my dad when he would talk to us like in prison and stuff would always tell us you know silly little things like hey never never you always have a weapon on you always make sure you're protected this that and the other and my dad was just such a wild like person too like just I wish that I could paint the whole story and I'll tell the whole story on how my vision of him was but he so we get to the last drawer and it's a bunch of socks so we get to the

lot we get to the corner of the drawer and there's a pair of socks with a mason jar in it and we're like me and my brothers are looking at each other and we're like what the hell is this it was his holy water that he got baptized with and it had the date on it and why it was in a pair of socks we can only imagine it was used for in the in the sake of his mind he felt safer because he had that and it's just like you were you came in here after doing 30 years in the penitentiary you

know collectively you're dying but you are still gonna make sure you're protected like we were so shocked by that we were so shocked by that so we get home we go home and we we wrap everything up we get home and they my dad was not going to have a funeral and that was not a decision that was made like prior by us that was a decision made by his mom and dad or I'm sorry his family and we said no we want to have him a funeral we want to show him and he deserves he deserves at

“least two hours he deserves at least that much so I never forget me and my brothers spent 12 hours”

by ourselves planning this man's funeral okay so that's 12 hours of coming up with somebody's

whole life that you don't really know much about and I'll never forget and I don't I'm not saying this

because mad that like nobody helped us or you know everybody didn't drop what they were doing and catered us that that's not what I mean by this but you know me and my brothers had 12 hours to plan this funeral and not one person other than my mom asked us if we needed anything even about a water and the amount of pictures we had to go through the amount of people we had to call just to get just to get information on our dad you know like a little thing these we had so much

shit we had to do and not one not anybody you know when people tell you it's a code world all you have is yourself they're not lying because all you truly have is is yourself as person and a good family if you're blessed enough to have that so because the alternative was he was just going to have like a showing with his urine for 30 minutes no I just to me he'd needed more than that

“and this is I think another really another reason why I want to do daddy daughter dances so bad”

I want to get those into the state and Kentucky for the nonviolent offenders even though my dad would not have qualified for this which is okay we had to start somewhere because the funeral the day my dad's funeral was the only time that my dad did not look like a criminal that's the only time he was dressed up is the only time he looked normal there was another time one time before that but he was so just fucked up that it didn't it didn't now he wasn't truly there but that was the

only time and I just remember looking that whole day it is you know just feeling so sorry for this man so sorry for him because just like that like it happened all just like that like how he

I mean his life was just over and he never got a fucking failed child he never got a failed chance

he never he was just the odds were against him to the core almost it seemed like every single time

but I'm like he was still a person he still deserved to be to dress like a decent person besides a khaki or a green or an orange suit 24/7 you know and I just I'm just trying to get through that part still and we're coming up in the one year and I truly thank let me back out I did not make a mince meat with my dad that's still something that I'm going through and something that's going to take a long time for me to go through I think because there's a lot of guilt I'm holding in

and because I didn't have to be a bitch to him I don't think you were if you don't mind me saying no no I don't you don't think so I could I think it's your dad so that's of course it's what you feel that way but I think that if I was sitting here telling you this story you'd feel how I feel and I think sometimes we need to learn to separate that just because there are blood just

because yeah his sperm brought you into this world he never showed up for you never and he had

chances and I'm a very strong believer in the world can look every every situation's different but at the end of the day you make you make the choice and he had times where I'm sure he was completely sober you know and I think he still made the choice not to show up not to stay clean not to be there and I'm sorry but there is something as it's too late in the sense of just because he's older now and he's not the bad assies or was and now he wants to come back and be a part of you like he likes

up now but what about the little girl that needed him you don't need him now you needed him then so I don't think you should hold that girl I don't think you need to you don't owe him anything

“he didn't give you anything that you need to allow him that's true so I think that you feel the way”

you do because you're a good person because we're taught to respect our parents no matter what and love our parents no parents give us this isn't this which like you said if you're blessed with good ones yeah they do give you those things and they set up the foundation he didn't give you a foundation you both that on your own with your mom with your grandma you know like yeah I think that you have to get through the guilt that you feel within yourself but I don't think that's really a

guilt that you have because of him I think that's what you think but I think it's more like a I think maybe you wish that you act a difference with that you felt better about it but you truly didn't owe him that does that make sense yes it makes perfect sense absolutely and I guarantee you anybody like I get why you feel the way you do I'm not saying like you're entitled to feel however you want you know and you're going to honestly no one can control it you know what I mean

we can't even control we feel because anybody knows that you know when you're going through any type of sadness even if for a relatable example and another completely off topic and another way it would be like when you're going through a breakup you know and it could be with the worst person the world that abuse you beat the shit out of you right and you can tell yourself one day like

fuck him I am nothing I should never be with him again but then you still have this

feeling in your heart of like but I love him and I think that's more what it is I think it's that because that your dad of course like you love him and that's okay to love somebody like deep down

“to care for them to feel bad for them to want better for them that's fine but I don't think you should”

carry any sort of guilt because you did show up time and time again you tried time and time again and he didn't want it he wasn't ready so then when he's right this is not his world that everyone's living in this isn't anyone's world this is everybody's on their own path and you know children need love they need support he didn't give you that no so for you to feel you know I think it's definitely okay for us to reflect on our actions and be like you know I

could have been nicer in that situation I could have been more open but the reality is in that

moment that's how you felt and while yes maybe you could have been more nice to him and more open that's not to say you'd actually like feel those ways so why mask it why fake it you could feel just as guilty for faking it do you know what I mean I guess it's not really like if that's how

“you felt then you can't regret it because that's how you felt in that moment it's not like you”

I think you just were wearing your feelings on your sleeve you're angry you're bitter you have the right to feel that way yes I just think we're very hard on ourselves sometimes we can be our own worst enemy but I don't think you you don't deserve to hold any more guilt I appreciate you say in that and

right and there's no buts to it there's not I guess you what you said you did just

it's sad and it sucks and like I said it it's very unfortunate that his life went the path it did right right it sucks but it you're everyone's actions how they have consequences and I guess maybe that's also what caused the anger towards him so much too what you said because it just man Tom Tom again there's so much effort and it's really I just wanted to look at him be like you were supposed to want that did this you were supposed to want to show the effort

and then you didn't and it just it sucks it sucks so that's too like because like I said of course you know anyone that you care about even if they're not a great person you still want the

best for them I mean unless you're just an evil human you're not going to like wish bad right

upon anybody so of course you can reflect on those things and say you know I wish he did this isn't this but you know we have no control over other people and we can hope and wish the best for them and they still continue to make the same choices that his priorities were there they were

“not with his family and I mean I the most blunt way to put it is you see it how it is that's how”

how it was that's how it is and your actions you got to a point where you were fed up you were done and that's why you acted the way you did and it's not I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all and I think that now it's just one of those things that you know it's kind of this

full circle moment where you can reflect on all the different things you felt as a child as a

teenager as an adult you're allowed to dissect those feelings even now you can have days where you might you I said it's all the time of my guess you might have a day where you feel like oh I'm fine I'm not thinking about it I don't care the next day you might feel guilty again and you miserable and hate yourself and whatever else it might be you know you every day is going to be different yeah but I think what you're doing by spreading awareness speaking out about it and beyond all

of what you went through you're saying hey let's try to get something together to help other little children yes and I think that's where you're going to find the most healing and fulfillment in the situation because I think sometimes you kind of have to remove yourself from it like

“acknowledge it dissect it understand it let yourself feel you need to feel but then I think you”

kind of look at it from an outside perspective and you're like I have one of two options either sitting it and keep feeling it and feeling it and feeling and there's nothing I can do about it now except keep dissecting it which just drives yourself crazy on a loop yep where I can try to make a change I can try to help others I can try to speak out and share my story and hopes to help somebody else absolutely and I want that that's all that I want and you're exactly right the only way I feel like I

am going to find pieces getting my hands dirty with the situation getting involved and just doing what I can because why does it why does any relationship with anybody from the on the inside why does it have to be so estranged why does it have to be so just distance so cold and minute and it

“doesn't it doesn't have to be like that and you know I think too not only you speaking out it doesn't”

only help children it could help parents too it could give them an inside look of how a child feels because of the results of possibly their actions or their lack of actions absolutely absolutely and if I if I could set here and go back or and tell any little girl that's going through this shit right now if I could tell her anything I would tell her be vigilant stay vigilant in that kind of situation and tell love for yourself because what you said you're not going

to find love sometimes we don't find love from the people we need to the most yeah and it sucks you know like it's we like I said we're meant to think and feel naturally like we want our parents there yes you know and I think that a lot of times if you especially when you are a loving good person you fight for that for a while then you get fed up of fighting for it for a while and the thing is too is you got to a point in your life where you no longer were just a daughter you

became a mother yeah so your priorities changed your things shifted you had a different perspective on life and a different understanding of how you now needed to show up and that could also call a could have called some bitterness and how you reacted because you're like maybe you

in your mind you're probably like I can't imagine treating my child this way no the fact that you could do that it it gives you an anger inside and it's okay to feel that too you know but I do think eventually you heal from that as well even if it's you know after the person's already going you know but that's something that I think it's all within yourself I don't think I don't believe that we can ever get healing from a person I think we get healing from within ourselves yes I could

not agree definitely could not agree anymore and you said you were talking about angerness and bitterness and what that causes to a young woman and I should have said this earlier I'm sorry you know

you're better daddy issues yeah look daddy issues doesn't always look like jumping from

man to man to man daddy issues is is putting up with so much abuse you know so much abuse of

“traits tendencies so much emotional abuse that even that's what that means because you even”

daddy issues literally mean hey I'm you okay let me back up because I got lost to me what daddy issues is to me it's allowing yourself to deal with something even though it's not necessarily just out here jumping it's putting up a shit that you don't need to put up with but you don't know that it's not right well yeah because he was your example of a man yeah so your standards naturally aren't going to be that high when you're not shown a loving man ever yeah like who else is there to

really teach you that if you think about it exactly the only other blueprint you really have is if you're watching love movies and even those can be toxic so it's like what do you really have right you know and it's it's tough and it's it definitely like you said they can it daddy issues can look so different and it can show up in so many different ways it could even be it could even

“I think go beyond just men but it could lead to anxiety it could lead to you know abandonment issues”

and everything in between and when there comes that could be in friendships that could be in anything I agree in constantly questioning your worth yeah right because you can set here and have people tell you all these wonderful great things about you forever for your whole life but you still don't believe it and you know what I'm saying you still there's still something off inside you where you're

just like yeah but and I truly think it's because I never had I was missing a parent to remind me of

those things and that is 100% true yeah but how sad is it that as human beings we feel that we need another human being to validate that it's it's isn't so sad it's so sad because we don't we should never give any one that power now a mom not a dad not a sister not our child nothing no you have that power within yourself yes because as easily and as amazing as it can feel for somebody to give it all it takes is for them to disappoint you one time it's just like

it's all gone yep I agree and it sucks it does you know like as humans we are meant to connect we are meant to feel we are meant to make each other happy and joyful but we do have to remember you set it in the most blunt way like you really only have yourself at the end of the day best thing you can do is work on that yes no matter even if you've had the most perfect life

you can never work on yourself too much you can never love yourself too much you know shower

yourself with every every positive thing you can yes and I think you know that it just comes from what you said like what we agreed on as a child you learn and see all these things happen being so young and it's hard to get out like I said earlier it's hard to get out of bad habits it's just it's fucked for life but I will say too look where you are now like you could have also made a decision because of your environment growing up yeah to go down a similar path as your dad

to go down a path that was just shit oh absolutely you are like yeah you might carry this aftermath of pain and guilt and driving yourself nuts and loops in your head and that sucks in its own way yeah but look how much action you're taking you're a strong beautiful woman you're amazing mother thank you you know and you're here to help others you don't have to do that

“so you need to give yourself some credit and realize like damn I did that I went through that I wasn't”

dealt necessarily the best cards in that sense you know but here I and you could even be so you could be as bitter as to not want to help anybody because you didn't have it like that and there are some people that turn out that way where they're like well if I couldn't have it I don't

student semester by tag leapt a bitch soft behind the internet so master's I tell you they

“can't get back to you but you don't know but you don't know but you don't know”

egal taoba word for lust for track make the whole thing like that and when they then are invited high sis catching the skit safe viso staya holy dang it's a look yet because those else will be in but there you have you still have this heart and this love in your heart that you're like you know even though it mine isn't this like kind of like perfect happy ending where we have this great relationship and whatever else like let me try to prevent this or let me try

to implement things that could help other people yes and that is a beautiful thing that not everybody can do that thank you at the I feel like and in doing so that's going to be not only closure bringing yourself so much peace and so much more happiness too like I feel like that's all that I need like I don't know what I'm sorry I'm just okay it's is it been on emotional day so we're good it's yeah you're doing great yeah I just I don't know what you said

I like what you said you said that I don't have to fill guilty so now I'm just like kind of stuck on that I'm like she's right she's right but I just want to know that actually I don't want to know anything I don't know what I was going to say oh goodness I got you I got you all confusing yeah no you did not know me you're good you did not throw me off it was there I want to I wanted to make sure to I know that you wanted to talk about the the daddy daughter dances which you did

was there anything else that was on your mind that you wanted to like bring awareness to we're talk about like as far as I was unsure if there was more of that kind of stuff or no no just mean thought of that just kind of yeah wanting to do or trying to get that involved in it and

“if I can because I'm you know a lot of the times you have to be careful because when you do”

try to help with like families and situations like this it does in fact require degree yeah like you'll get stopped so far and that's what I have against me I don't have a degree in the

social work filled wanted to but just could never you know I was handed having a mom all the

shit was going on something had to get I just want more than anything and I don't and I don't even know how to go about it I don't even know where I would start but all the questions and the confusions I had as a little girl that maybe my mom couldn't answer my family couldn't answer just wanting to be able to be there for those children to be like well you know this what could happen this but could not happen I want to be there for that so they do have somebody to talk to so

they do have somebody to understand like where it is and not philanthropist not make up a fake name of your parent yeah when you're talking to your friends or other people I want them to just

“100% have like an outlet right I want to have an outlet I think it is so so important I want”

I know that same quans or say quanna I don't know if I'm necessarily pronouncing that prison the right way or not they recently actually did daddy daughter dances and this was even

but after our call and I was like oh my god I cannot believe this like that's amazing and

it's important to me and that's where my heart is is because I think one even if it's not the idea setting but to see your dad or any parent for once look put together it means so much more than what anybody could think because don't save it for their funeral don't save it until it's the last until it's too late don't save it for that and you know a lot of people might say well that's what they did that's what they get that's what they deserve they did something to be there they or

they did something to put themselves in there you know but the children we didn't do anything wrong we did not put them in there we had no control over it so why are we getting robbed of something so small that meant something so big you know when children shouldn't be punished when it's not

their fault absolutely I agree with that it just shouldn't and I know you know there are amazing

amazing support systems out there for if for anybody who for any child that's gone through this your uncles your your answer uncles your grandparents anything but at the end of the day you just

something you could get involved in where you don't need it's like not super high upwards like you

“don't need like a full degree but it's like of course I don't know if that would be like an on”

profit or like something where it's like you could help and you could be a resource and literally just be there yeah just a sport and right to some like to children but not and I'm sure it requires other things like background check whatever else yeah not like not where you had to go to school but

just to be there because I don't think you need to go to school it's not like you're trying to like

dissect their brains you just want to know you want them to know that someone gets it and honestly that's more than education can give you experience you know and I want to share exactly how it is like yeah you're or maybe even if like hey you're getting ready to go in here yeah it's gonna

“you're gonna expect all these things but you have to remember and even if you're comfortable with it”

whether it's like your email or something we could oh I'm happy to link that in the description so if anybody is listening that wants to reach out to you like you want to start something whatever it could be absolutely because this these things takes it takes a village as we say it takes not it takes a village and the daddy daughter dances even with you I'm like well I don't do I really need school to get in here no what I need to pass a background check sure yes but I could even

get or try and in hopes to get people to like touch places you know can we just get like 10 yeah 10 people at a time to run it out because and let them have that moment right just let them have to make because I just I think it's so much more important I agree I think it's and that's truly truly what I want to do so bad I want to I don't know what the system has to do yeah to like get it to work to make transition to to make the relationship with any parent

that's inside with their child I don't I know I'm sure there's parenting programs and things like

“that but I think that you have to what you said you have to go beyond textbooks you have to”

do kind of let's get real let's go straight to the point with it I think you have to kind of get real it's interesting you have to like there's a lot of I feel like a little moving pieces to it but you can figure it out or something I just think it takes you know the right people the right conversations and you know having people that can relate and really believe in it yes absolutely you know yeah you did

amazing thank you no I'm a book what is it just have Nutella for guests me too I'm sure you're a

on the Montván. Just a hotel. It's a hotel.