I Accidentally Paralyzed My Dad

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All podcast episodes completely commercial free and my brand new show we're all healing where I sit down with experts, therapists, authors and healers to talk about how we actually process pain reconnect with our true selves and rebuild after trauma. You can subscribe to we're all in same plus in app on apple podcasts or Spotify or you can head over to we're all insane.com to learn more. My name is Courtney Clone. I have been married for 14 years.

We have three kids here, two in heaven. My husband owns a business and I am getting used to saying this, but I'm a content creator. I love it. So I am here to share my story about an accident that happened with my dad when I was younger that shifted both of our lives. And then how I feel like I have used that trauma to shape my life moving forward. So little backstory about my family,

my dad is like the goofyest dad. He just always had that like contagious personality.

Anytime my friends were over, he's like the dad that gives them nicknames, picks on him, they're always like act like he's annoying, but like you know everybody loves him. He was a custodian

“at a local middle school. And I remember going to work with him and like he'd walk in and like”

all the kids if they were in the cafeteria or whatever, just freak out because they loved him so much. So we had like I feel like I had a good childhood. Like we did my parents did the best with what they had. That's kind of, you know, where we were at. And I was always a daddy's girl. So like I specifically remember one time my mom told my dad to take me back to the to the bedroom to speak my butt. There was we were spanking family. You know that are you do better,

but it's so bad. It was spanking so we do. We talked about it. We're telling him to take me back there and spank me. I had done something. I can't remember what it was, but I remember he like took me back there. Had his belt and was like pretend to cry. And he like smacked the belt with his or

“smacked the bed with his belt. Like that was my dad. Like he couldn't. There was no way. Like that's how.”

So we didn't have very big family. He had one brother and you know, just like a childhood. So I feel like my dad's like there's like two memories. You know like there's two separate time frames. It's like my dad before the accident. My dad after the accident. And it's kind of like my my childhood's like split into if that makes sense. So I had my license. It had my license for a little while. And my dad had this big truck that I loved. Like I thought I was so cool in that truck.

Like my friends are getting the truck with me. So we were I grew up in West Virginia closer to Kentucky. Most of your roads are like back roads. You've got to pull over to the side to let another car through. So that's how my neighborhood road was. Had some blind spots in it. I was driving around with my friends in the truck. And we were going to meet our boyfriend.

“We had to run home first. And I remember like, you know, I'm going to hurry. Like, yeah,”

you got to run home real fast. And like I just was like always on the go. So I was going a little too fast

on our one lane road. In my dad, we had a huge hill behind our house. So when he mode the grass, it was like with a four-wheeler with a mowing deck attached to the back. So he would do that. It was a Friday. He's mowing the grass during a couple of beers. That was like a normal thing for him to do. And then before he would put the four-wheeler up, he would detach the mowing deck and like he used to ride dirt bikes. Go super fast. Like he's loved that. So he turned his hat backwards.

He'd take off down the road a couple times on the four-wheeler. So our timing was just not great. He was coming up where there was a blind spot. And I met him right there. So it's always like we were always kind of unsure. Like did I tip the four-wheeler or did it? Was it just where he locked up the brakes? Because we met each other. If our timing had been a tad bit worse, we would have hit head on for sure. Okay. I mean, we were seconds from hitting head on.

So I just remember coming through there, we had music on and it was just like out of nowhere. There's

And I did too. Right. But on a four-wheeler, that's very different. So we locked up the brakes and it threw him behind my truck way behind the truck. So one way over. Okay. And the four-wheeler just kept woman. Four-wheeler was done. Like completely somewhere else. And it was just like such a blur. Like, like, you know, like, I knew what happened. But like, in the moment it was like, did that just really happen? Right. And I'm assuming there was some kind of way. So immediately,

“like, knew it was happening. I think that the friend that was with me was like,”

who, like, who was, you know, like, that wasn't a normal thing for her. Right. But like, I knew that that was my dad. So I remember like jumping out of the truck and didn't put the truck in park. That's how like, shook up I was. And I'd be like, jump back in the truck and put it in park. And then like, we ran to him. And he was, I don't even know how far. Like, you just wouldn't even believe how far he was thrown. He wasn't wearing a helmet. So he was laying in a field

back behind where my truck was. And he was facing up. I'll never forget what he looked like. He

was on his back facing up. He was not conscious. Just very bloody. And I just remember being like,

“he's dead. Like, I just killed my dad. Like, I remember that thought so vividly, like, looking at him.”

Like, he's definitely dead. Like his mouth was open. He just was like laying there, not moving. So the whole that whole period was like very blurry. I think the neighbor saw it happen that was like towards the end of the road. And they called 911. And I just kept saying, like, he's dead. Like, he's dead. And I don't like, it just like, when you're in that, it's like, you don't know, I also was like 17. Like, don't know. Like, go and check for a pulse or like, I remember my friend

being like physically sick from looking at him beside him. Like, she was physically sick. So I remember, like, it was all just a Russian thing. And like, how am I going to tell my mom? I was thinking my mom was at work. And that was like the biggest confusing thing. And now looking back and like, well, I was in shock for sure. But like, the most confusing thing was like, how do I, I got to call my mom where she at, like, and she happened to be home. She had started dinner already.

And he was using her keys for the four wheeler. So she couldn't get in her car because he had her keys. So I just remember her, like, running down the road. And we were not close to my house. So it was like the neighbor must have called 911 and then called her. And I don't, it just like, when your body's in that state, I just remember looking me like, how did my mom get here? Like, just was so confused. I don't even remember how I got to the hospital. But I do remember them,

all the ambulances come in. They were multiple ambulances for some reason. And I remember a

paramedic yelling like, I have his pulse. And I was like, my dad's not dead. Like, it never

occurred to me that like, I should go over and like, like, I know I like kneeled beside him. But like, I could tell that was thinking of that at that moment. Yeah. And he just looked so terrible, but like, your body is just like in this panic, right? But yeah, you don't do what you think you would do in the situation like that. So I don't remember how I got to the hospital. But I know that when we were there, like, there were so many all of our friends and family. We're all on the

waiting room. And my mom had rode with him on the ambulance. And so we were just waiting for her to come out and like give us some type of update. So she did. I remember her coming out and saying, he has a broken neck, a broken back. He shattered his elbow and then also broke this bone in two places and this bone. So his arm was just destroyed. He had a concussion. He was very bruised, very scraped up. I think he hit his head in multiple places because that's probably where the

“blood was coming from. That's why he was so bloody. And I just like, I remember my mom saying that”

and then maybe in like, he broke his neck. Like, broke his back. Like, life's never going to look

Like, I can't even picture it now. Like, where everybody was sitting, my friends were on the

“sides of me. And I like sat down in the chair and everybody's kind of talking. And it was like,”

I just sunk into that chair and was like, I did this to my dad. Like, this is my fault because I was driving too fast. Why did I have to be in this truck? Why did I have to be like, and it was like at that point. I was like, I just wanted to leave. Like, I just wanted to disassociate and like,

you know, I'd never experienced something like that before. So I feel like I once I had that realization,

I struggled with that for a long time. Like, that that was my fault. So he went on to have seven surgeries, reconstructive surgeries to his arm. When you shatter your elbow to get your arm to work, like they've got to do a lot of things. So he had just like the same incision over and over again. So when you have surgeries like that, and you've got an injury that bad, they're giving you pain pills constantly. So my dad was already like a drinker, but at that point, they declared him like officially

declared him disabled. So he was no longer working anymore. And you know, like, I'm still like a teenager, watching my dad go through this like, my dad can't work anymore. My dad is constantly recovering from surgeries and like kind of holding that in that like, I did that. Like, that's my fault. I did that. So he had nerve damage from all the surgeries. Like, every time they would do a surgery, it was like a known thing. Like, that's going to cause you more nerve damage. But we have to fix

your arm. You either don't have function in your arm or you have nerve damage. And it was just like a kind of a doom and gloom kind of thing. I can't imagine now that I'm going to adult like being in that position and having a doctor say that constantly. Like, this is where you're at. This is your life. There's no, you're not going to have full function in your arm like that anymore.

“So it was in constant pain. Just the nerve pain, just I remember that so vividly like,”

he just complained all the time that he was in pain. Like, it didn't matter what he did

his arm hurt. And my mom was always taking care of him recovering from the surgeries.

So he would drink to help the pain. And then he also had the pain pills that they were constantly giving him to help the pain. So he like, I don't even know how long it took. But he quickly became addicted to pain pills after that. And I mean, I feel like that's such a common story that somebody has a surgery. They have a back injury. They have this. They have that. And people, doctors are prescribing them pain pills because that's what you do. And they get addicted to

pain pills. Yeah, like very fast. Quick question for you. Yeah. So after he got out of, I guess, did he have a surgery the first day that he went into the hospital? Yeah. So the first time he talked to him after the accident, did you feel like he had any blame towards you? So it was just within yourself whether you were. It was just me. He was very much like, I shouldn't have been, I was going way too fast. You know, I came up over that hill. There was nothing you could do. Yeah.

And you know, that's probably true, but you know, I was like 17, 18, 19 dealing with all of this, like it felt like if I hadn't been there, if I had not been running around to, you know, going too fast in a stroke, trying to be cool in a stroke, like I wouldn't have had that experience.

“And we would be in a very different place right now. So I think too. It's like even if circumstances”

were different, I feel like even the fact that you were there, it's just, it's very easy. I feel like to place that way in when you're still going to be like, I would regard this, like I was the other party in it. Yeah. And I feel like I've looked out at before, too. It's like, it's not like I, you know, I hit his four-wheeler or like something like that where it's like he's mad about it. It's like a life-altering thing that happened. And I feel like when you're that young to lots of

carry, yeah, it is. It's like, that's a lot to deal with in process. And yeah. So I had like very bad anxiety

moving past that. I feel like I was always an anxious kid, not like in an abnormal way, but like I had

anxiety and it like became crippling at points. My mom became the person who was working. My dad

depression pretty quick after that, which is pretty normal. I spent those last two summers before

I had moved working multiple jobs and just helping out where I could, you know. And I was dating my now husband who lived in Maryland. So we were about five hours apart. I dated him for most of my senior year and then when I graduated, I the next day moved to Maryland to be with him.

“I think subconsciously, I thought that like some distance from the constant surgeries, the pain”

would help somehow. Like me having some distance from that. But I was still like struggling, like carrying some guilt from that. And like I also like had a new guilt, like I just left my

family. My dad, you know, he had more surgeries after that. It was a lot, you know. But I was trying

to build a life independently. I felt like I needed to do that. But it was like shortly after I had left addiction and depression just became his identity. Like it was, it was like a very quick downfall. I feel like, and I mean, I can't even blame him because I'm like, if I was sitting in a chair, yeah, all day long, can't do the things that I used to do. Can't pull my bow back. He was an avid hunter. He was a golfer. You can't do any of the things that he loves anymore. I can't even

hold on to a four-wheeler if you wanted to get back on it. I mean, you know, it's all the things that he enjoyed doing. Like that's just done. And I can't imagine that. Especially the older I get. I'm like, I would be so depressed. I would be in such a dark place. You don't really have an escape. Yes. Like you just, and you're in pain constantly. Just, yeah. So it started to get to a point where like, you know, I'm five hours away. But my friends, my brother's friends, there would be incidents where

they would call me and be like, listen, I just saw your dad and he's passed out in the Wendy's parking lot. Like, it was to that point where he was drinking so much, mixing alcohol with pain pills, and driving, he'd be out doing something, trying to get out of the house. And my mom would be at work. And I'd be like, I don't know what to do. I'm five hours away. Like, can you get him? I remember a specific time where a friend that I went to high school with didn't talk too much after that.

She called him and was like, I know it was a super random. I know that you live in Maryland now. I don't know what to do, but you're dad. Like, and that was one of the friends that my dad would like joke with. So they were like, oh my gosh, it's Larry. Like, yeah, he's in, I remember them, like, trying to help him get him in the car, get him back home, called my brother. My brother had to have his friend drive him to go get his truck. It was just like one thing after another,

like that, where he just, he had completely lost himself and was just on a downward spiral.

“And I think my mom was hiding how bad it was from me, too, because I wasn't there to see it.”

Because, you know, now that I'm older and we've talked about it a lot, it's like, she would say she would come home and he'd be passed out in the bathroom, but she'd come home for work and just find him in the bathroom. And he would be sick from drinking or, you know, so we eventually, my husband's an entrepreneur. So he started a new business and we moved to Ohio. So we were much closer to my family. At this point, I had a three-year-old and a toddler. So I was like trying to raise my own family,

coming in to be in a mom, and we were now an hour and a half from my family, which was a good

thing, because we had never lived that close to them before, and they were excited about that.

But, and during this time was he still going through recovery? Yeah. Okay, how long do you remember how many years it was total? It was like, there were probably a good three years there,

“where he was like recovering from a surgery, now you have to have another surgery, recovering from a”

surgery, now you have to have another one. So it was just like, I mean, when I say they were prescribing him pain pills, it was like years of them, so much in the body, even just like going under. Yeah. And it's like when you finally start to feel good again, it's like what we have another

couldn't like, and he didn't really have anybody in his corner beyond my mom, like my mom's just trying to do, she's just trying to get through the day. She's got to pay the bills. She's got to, you know, she's got to go to work. She's got to keep up with what she's got going on. In my brother, he's my older brother. He had his own life too, and then here I had moved away and we don't have a huge family. We have, you know, he has a sister at the time. They were very close, but she can only do

“so much too, you know. So flash forward to December of 2016. I think he was kind of past the”

surgeries at that point. My youngest was two at the time. We were living in Ohio. I got a phone call. I actually had multiple phone calls. I remember laying down to taking that with the kids. And I woke up and my phone had just been blown, like just blowing up. And I don't even remember who I chose to call back first. And before I could even finish anything, my mom was calling me again. And she said that something had happened. She needed me to remain calm because she's going to

need somebody. And I remember like, my heart sinking into my stomach, like, he's gotten into a

drunk accident or something like that. Like, never would have guessed that this was the situation.

But above our house was a, is a gas station where like, you know, I grew up in a small town. You cannot go to that gas station. I'll see everyone you went to high school with. And my brother

“worked there on and off. He currently works there now. And my dad had went up there. I think to get”

alcohol, he must have been drunk when he got there. And he went in. He bought what he wanted to buy. He went back out to his truck. I'm not sure what was going through his mind. But he must have been in the middle of a breakdown. And he decided, I'm going to commit suicide. So he had his gun in a struck. And he had his gun to his head. And was sitting there maybe crying with his gun to his head. And the people in the gas station, they all know him. Like, you know everybody when you go in there,

and they saw him. So they called the police. The police came and my dad was so drunk that they were telling him to put his gun down. And he wouldn't put his gun down. And he wouldn't get out of his truck. So here, there's lots of police surrounding his truck. They have their guns drawn on him because

he won't put his gun down. And they don't know what he's going to do. And they finally got him to

put his gun down. They tackled him. They arrested him. They told him, and my mom, he either can go to jail and be charged for a lot of things. Or you can admit him to the local psychiatric hospital for a week to be evaluated. And my mom didn't want him to have a bunch of charges. So she admitted him to the psychiatric hospital. He was so mad at her. And that was like three days before Christmas. So he was in the psychiatric hospital for Christmas. My mom was alone. We weren't spending

Christmas with my family that year. We were in Maryland. So we were just with like, you just feel so hopeless, like helpless. Like you're just like, what it like, my whole life looks different now. And there's no like you can't get in somebody's thoughts. You can't like, it's like my dad's in a hospital. It's like, what were you thinking? Why would you do that? Now looking back, I'm like, he was so miserable. Yeah. Like he just was so miserable. So I was completely heartbroken.

My mom was completely heartbroken. And little did I know my mom had just been dealing with this for so long that she, that was her breaking point. And I didn't realize that that's where they were at. But that was it. Like that was the cherry on top. My mom was done. So towards the end of that week, my mom started getting kind of like acting kind of weird when I would talk to her to try to

check in with her. And she finally was like, I'm not going to be with your dad anymore.

“And I just remember being like, what is happening? Yeah.”

My mom, how do you feel the great love on? Hmm. So what? And so creamy. Huh? We can then pop that creamy sign. No teller. What if my mom and dad

Yeah. It's like, what do you mean? Like, but I also have to like, look at it from

her perspective too. Like, she was miserable. Yeah. And she was trying all that she could. And she was like, I'm it. This is it. Like, I just can't do it anymore. This isn't, this isn't

“what I want my life to look like. I think it's hard, too, because like how you said it's split for you.”

Yeah. I'm sure it's split for her. Like the marriage. Yeah. For sure. It looks completely different. Yeah. So she had made up her mind. She was done. And I just felt like everything was a mess. Nothing was in my control. And that was kind of the start of maybe like very emotional.

This is all happening. I don't know what to do. And it has been being like, we have our own life.

Like, we have, you have two kids that are depending on you. Like, we're trying to live our own life. You cannot get wrapped up in this. But I think that from that trauma, like, I felt like this was my fault. And I was like holding onto that. Like, have my dad not had an accident. He wouldn't have been where he was. Like, I was like, clinging to that. I don't think I ever vocalized it at that point. But like, I felt responsible for where they were. So it was like, my mom's life

was imploding. My dad's life was, and it felt like it was my fault. So when he got home from the hospital,

“my mom told him, like, you need to find somewhere else to live because I'm done. He was a mess. He was”

not okay. So he moved in with his mom until he could find an apartment. When he did get an apartment,

I remember going there and it was just, you know, he's living off of a disability check. That's it. Yeah. They're not together. So he doesn't have, you know, they're splitting everything up. His apartment was like a hole in the wall. The ceiling was falling down. It was just the saddest thing to like, you know, you go and like, your dad is like, you know, for some people, my dad was like hung the moon, like just, my dad could do anything. He was the strong dad.

It needed fixed. My dad was going to fix it. No matter what would happen. My dad was going to pull through. Get a ton. And then you go and see your dad in a situation like that. He's like living in this rundown, home wall. And he's crying constantly. He's drunk half the time. It just was like such a defeating thing to feel and go through because it's like I want my dad. I want to help my dad get better. But it's also not my responsibility to take care of him. And so I was just

in this battle like that all the time. Just what is my responsibility? Where do I draw a boundary? And I was young. I was a young mom. Like I didn't know how to set boundaries for myself at that point. Like I was learning as I went and everything I did. Marriage. Like I was trying to just figure it out by the sea to my pants. That's where I was at. And I think it's hard to because, you know, you want to help. But I think, and I understand obviously how different his life was

after the accident and how miserable. But then it's like at the same time. It's hard to help somebody that doesn't have that will to help themselves. You know, like it just seemed like he was, he let it destroy him. He did. He let what happened become his identity. Yeah. 100%. Which it's hard not to, you know, when you did do anything. It's very good. That also. It's like, it's so tough. Yeah. So it got to the point where my mom and him were not speaking. He was

living in the apartment by himself. I'm living like an hour away. He was drinking salt to death, finding pills on the street. At that point he was done with surgeries. They weren't giving him any more pain medicine. He'd go to the doctor, say it was in pain. And they're like, this is where you're at. We're not. We can't give anything else. So he started finding people to buy pills from. And it really did just feel like it became my responsibility when he would

have a meltdown. I would have to stop everything I was doing. And try to talk him off of a

“ledge. That's how it felt all the time. Just I would have voicemails where he's just drunk,”

babbling. You know, just was like, this is not how things are supposed to be. This is not. And then it started to put a strain on my marriage at the same time because Matt would be like, you have to step back. Like, you've got to step back. And like, this is not your problem to

like this fight of like, that's my dad though. Like, that's my dad. I can't just like, I can't just

“say figure it out and walk away. So I feel like I truly believed like he was in the state that he”

was in because of me. And so I kept on trying to fix this problems, trying to be a mediator between my mom and him. It would be like, you know, my daughter's birthday. And I would come to have a birthday party. It would be like, you guys going to be in the same place. Like, or we can be able to do this because they weren't speaking to each other. And looking back now, my mom was setting a boundary for herself. She was like, I have to separate myself from you because this is not, this isn't going well.

So she actually, so my dad is my dad. But my brother has a different dad. My mom had gotten pregnant

when she was a senior in high school. He never had anything to do with my brother. My dad met my mom

“when she was pregnant. So he's been there for my brother's entire life. So if you ask my, my brother,”

my dad is his dad. You know, but she actually reconnected with my brother's biological dad. And started dating him after she got a divorce from my dad. And that was hard. So in the midst of my dad just completely breaking down, my mom has moved my brother's biological dad into our family home where my dad was. And I did not like him. I did not get along with him. I got creepy vibes from him still to this day. I was dialing that hill. It just was not right. Like, it just was not.

And it was how we're like, how did your brother feel about it? Because he not great.

Yeah, because you said he never had a relationship with him. No. No, he's reached out one time.

He reached out one time when my brother was about to graduate high school and asked if he came to his graduation and then didn't show up. And then one time my brother went to a gas station to buy cigarettes. And that is where his biological father was working. And he went in and his biological dad, I did him. Yeah, it's crazy. So it was like, you know, then he's like in the picture and it's like, yeah, who are you? Like that's kind of where we both.

My brother and I both were just like, this is so messed up. And they're just like, I wanted to just shake my mom and be like, what's going on? Well, I used to be happy, but like, what are we doing here? So just felt like everything was a mess. Everything was a mess. You're tiptoeing around this whole situation. And the meantime, I'm like, I'm trying to just learn to be a good mom. And like figure out what I'm doing with my life. And you know, try to keep my dad alive and my mom

happy. And you know, my family be as normal as it can be. So, you know, I can't blame her for where she was at, but I feel like my dad just became more suicidal and depressed. He had lost so much weight,

so much weight. And yeah, I just thought like I was always trying to talk him off of a ledge.

And him knowing that my mom was dating this guy was just like, took him down 20 more pegs than he ever needed to be. So, my mom had had a best friend through high school. They were very, very tight all the way through high school. She had moved and joined the army when she was a senior, reconnected with my mom when my brother was very little. So, we started like our family vacations were to go visit them and they lived in Chicago and their family vacations

“were to come visit us. Like that's how much we loved our time together. So, there were three”

daughters and then me and my brother. And it was like we just had like built in best friends. Like we all grew up together. So, my mom's best friend and her husband felt like second parents to me. Like, I could tell them anything. We were all so close. My dad became best friends with the husband, his name was Rich and my mom was very close with her best friend Trish. So, like, we just did everything together when they would come like they'd stay with us. So, after all of this had happened,

my mom has the new guy living in the house. They are coming for a visit. And it's just as weird

this new guy knowing that my dad is just in an apartment 10 minutes away, running away and that.

“Yeah, just not okay. And that put my dad like he knew they were coming. They came the same time every”

year. We always had such a good trip. We let off fireworks. It was my son's birthday. Like we just

always did so much together. And so, it was just this very awkward visit. And that night, we were all going to bed. We were all staying in my mom's house. And my kids were in the living room on an air mattress. And I laid down in between them and I got a text from my dad and he was basically telling me goodbye that he was going to kill himself. He can't take it anymore. He loves me. This was never my fault. And you know, like I was his pride in joy. I mean, you name it of like a goodbye

letter. It was there in the text. And I immediately start panicking because I'm just like,

“I'm already feeling that weight of like this whole visit just feels wrong. So I run to get my best friend.”

She's putting her toddler to sleep. And I'm like, I gotta get somebody. So I go into my mom.

And I'm like, I know you don't want to hear this. But I don't want to do. And I need you to help me. I'm hysterical. Like, do I go down there? He's not answering. And I don't know what to do. Like, do I drive down to his apartment? And my mom was like, don't because he's probably drunk. He has his guns. Who knows if, you know, what state of mind he's in? Like, what if he didn't know it was you? And he actually shot you. Or so we decided that I'm going to

call the police. My mom's best friend. She comes out with me. And I call my mom one. She's staying

“in there with me. Rich. My dad's best friend comes out. You know, they're just being there”

so for support. I call the police and I tell them that I need a wall check. I explain the whole

situation hysterically crying because I just, it felt different. It felt different than any other time that he's like, I don't want to be here anymore. It just felt like he was genuinely saying goodbye. And so the police say they're on their way down there. They've got somebody very close. So they'll be there very quickly. So I call his sister, my aunt Ronda, and I'm like, this is what's going on. I just want to let you know. This is so hard because I don't know what to do. I'm telling my mom

and you know, this guy sitting here with her is just such an awkward situation. She doesn't want me to go down there, but I just want to go down there and like just be with him. So they're like, you stay there. You shouldn't seem like this anyways. We'll go down there. So my aunt in my uncle go to his apartment and he's just bledred like he's so gone and they're trying to talk to him and they get there before the police do. And they're trying to talk to him. He's confrontational.

So he's yelling at my uncle and I'm not even sure because I obviously wasn't there. What transpired between the two of them. But my uncle said something. My dad didn't like it or he was completely just had no idea what was going on. He lunged at my uncle to attack him. My uncle falls backwards out of the door. My uncle was about to go through. He was in kidney failure. So he was about to go through dialysis. He had a port in his arm which is very dangerous. You can't let anything hit

it. It's like a very big deal. So like he was in a state where like we were very worried about him as it was. By dad attacks him. He falls backwards out of the steps of the apartment. Lans on his shoulder. He's a bigger guy. All of his weight goes on his shoulder. He shattered his shoulder. The police get there as that's happening. They rest my dad and I mean it could have just went so many different ways. But he had a chihuahua. My dad did that was like his best friends. He expanded

in the chaos of all that. The chihuahua got out of the apartment. My mom loved that dog just as much to they split the dogs. So bandit went with my dad and the other dog saved with my mom. So as we're getting relayed you know my aunt's calling me now there's an ambulance there taking my uncle to the hospital. He's shattered his shoulder. They're checking his port. He's not okay. My dad's been arrested.

break down because I'm just like how are you supposed to work together? Right. So he

“he gets arrested. They keep him in jail overnight. They tell us we can't find the dog. Just let”

you know that the dog's not there. The dog got out. So we're driving around trying to find the dog. My mom's hysterical trying to find the dog. The dog ended up getting hit by a car and I was like my dad's not going to survive this. Just it's just one thing after another. He cannot get ahead. And then when he doesn't get ahead it takes him back so far that like that's who he is. That's his life. He can't he feels sorry for himself. He's like nothing goes his way. That's his identity.

Like that's where he's at. So I'm just like you know we've got our friends there.

We're like trying to enjoy our time together because we're not going to see them again for a while.

“And I'm just in a state where I'm like I can't even pair it right now. Like I just want my”

husband wasn't there. He was on a business trip. So he's coming home and it just was like I've got a weight and figure out when are they going to release my dad because who's going to go pick him up? Me. Nobody else is going to get him. So we went to his apartment. I feel like it was a stipulation that like they were saying you can pick him up. But because he was a danger to himself and

other people the guns have to be removed from his apartment. So I sent my grandma his mom to go get

him and I went to his apartment with my brother and my best friend Sandy. We went into his apartment got all of his guns. He's a hunter. So it's not like he's got machine guns and all this stuff there. But like he's got his guns. He's got the guns that were passed down to him from his dad and we took all of those guns. Put them at my grandma's house and he got to come home. He was just he was not. He just was like he was embarrassed. He was disappointed in himself. He felt like he

is going to let everybody down. So then we have a period where we have to get through that. He's also burned bridges now. Yeah. Physically injured my uncle. They don't want anything to do with them at this point. We can't ride this roller coaster anymore. We're done. So just felt like it was on me. Like nobody wants to help him. Nobody wants to be there for him. I did this. How do I not wrecked his life? He would be in a different place right now and like it's my responsibility.

So he knows about the dog. He's not okay. I feel like we kind of went through this whole thing. He couldn't afford his apartment anymore. I was like made me a month after the arrest. He realized he couldn't afford to pay his bills anymore. So we moved him out of his apartment and back in with his mom and I got him another chihuahua. I actually went with my mom. Somebody had two chihuahua puppies for sale. He loves chihuahua. And she took one. She took the sister.

Yeah. And he took the brother. And they're still not speaking to each other. And so I took it to him, put it in a gift bag. It was like the tightest little dog. I'm sure. And he just bald. And it's like that dog. He named him Chip. Became like, you know, he needed that dog. Yeah. And it was like therapy for him. I was like, I've got to help him. I got to do something to help. So he had that dog.

He kind of like, he would go through these periods. I'm going to get sober. Yeah. I'm going to be fine. He had a friend lived in town, not in a good area. Still not sure of the story of what happened.

“But I think I know what happened. Someone who wasn't his friend switched the plates on his”

truck. The truck that I was driving to stolen plates. So he left his friend's house to drive home. He got pulled over and got arrested again. That was like where I was like, I can't do this anymore. Like, I can't explain to somebody what it feels like to lay in bed and like scroll through the mug shots to find out if your dad got arrested the night before. If he's okay. Is he okay?

Like, he's supposed to be the person that I call for advice or, you know, I can't get the lawnmower to work.

So I'm calling my dad to help me. Like, um, and instead, it's like, I don't know the well-being of my dad on a day-to-day basis. Um, so there was like a thing that would post the mug shots from the night before. And I would check that. I would scroll it every morning. Like, I would have a anxiety and then I'd feel this relief when my dad wasn't on there. And then I'm sure

“like, it would be relieved but then like, where are you? Still like, if he was. Is he okay?”

Is he okay? So yeah, what's he doing? He's not answering me? Is he okay?

And then you've got like the arguments between him and my mom. It's like, then I'm talking to my mom.

And she's like, I'm so done with that. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to, and I'm just in the middle, like being pulled back and forth, um, birthday parties. That was like the biggest headache ever. Just like, can we all just be adults and just be in the same place, you know? So February of 2018, my best friend in Chicago, my mom's best friend's daughter. She texts me and she said, my dad's gone. He, from what we know, he had gotten, they think he was drinking.

He slipped on ice, hit the back of his head, maybe on his truck, on the ground. I'm not sure. He had been struggling with a head injury, um, since that December. So February, 2018, his wife had went in. My mom's best friend went into way came up for her doctor's appointment and found that he had had a seizure in his sleep. She tried to give him CPR, but he was gone. And this was rich. This was rich. My dad's best friend.

Yeah. Um, so it just was like, you know, this was like a second dad to me. Somebody that like, has watched me grow up and, you know, my best friend who felt like a sister,

we never went a day without talking to each other, has just lost her dad.

And here I'm in this position where I'm like, petrified, I'm going to lose my dad.

“And I'm like, how's my dad going to recover from this as well?”

So I remember calling my mom and telling her and then calling my dad and telling him. And they told us when, you know, they were going to have arrangements. We were already like, my mother-in-law drove from Maryland to Ohio to keep my kids. My husband was building a wedding in Iowa. So he wasn't there. And my parents neither could afford to drive themselves to Chicago, nor could they afford a hotel room. So I was driving the two of them.

Have not, they haven't been together in over a year. Haven't seen each other. I got to put them in my car together, drive all the way to Chicago, then we shared a hotel room. The three of you. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yes. So I was like, just, I just got to make it through this weekend. Like it was one of the hardest weekends I'd ever had up to that point. You know, we are laying rich to rest, which was just, it's still hard for me to comprehend at this point that he's

not here. So like, and then you had in that, like, my parents haven't been with each other.

“And I've got to take them both there. This is somebody that's so important to all of our lives.”

So who knows how they're going to react or how they're going to be. So it, my dad had been two weeks sober on the day of my, of richest funeral, two weeks. That was the longest stretch. He had been since the accident. And they're getting along. They're being cordial with each other. They're talking, you know, we're just trying to like focus on our family that has just lost rich. And we, I had went somewhere and left the two of them in the hotel room. And I remember coming back,

and they were still awake talking to each other. And I was like, this could be that.

leading him on in any way or like making him feel like they're rekindling something.

So yes, because it just felt like everything that happened. I was like, prepared for a downfall. Like, prepared for my dad to like, I've got to help him not spiral, you know. And like looking back on that now, it's really sad that like, I was carrying that much. Like, yeah, I felt that much responsibility for like the decisions that my dad was making. My dad, you know, like, I mean, right, and it's already heavy to carry that responsibility with anybody.

“Yeah. You know, and I think when you like you mentioned when you put in the part that”

technically, that's supposed to be your protector and your parents. And then it feels like it's opposite. Yeah. So I think I had like an anxiety of like, you know, something my mom's fault, but like, I don't want my mom to mess this up. Yeah. I just, we don't need something else. He's two weeks sober. Like, I need her to just, you know, don't, don't, don't make waves. Like, let's just, let's just stay where we're at. He's

two weeks sober. Like, we're on a stretch here. So I felt like my mom, you know, we,

we always had a pretty good relationship, but I feel like we have had some rocky moments.

And I felt like she was kind of leading him on. Like, he, I could just see that he was getting to be around her. And I was nervous. And I was like, a little, I was getting a little angry

“with her. Like, I don't feel like you need to do that. Like, just leave him alone, you know.”

I feel like I felt very misunderstood. And I couldn't like take the back and forth anymore. So I feel like she had made a comment about something. I let it bother me. I got into an argument with her. And I was just like, I can't take the division, the fear of what might happen. I just was like, Adam, I was at it. Like, I was at a breaking point. Like, I can't, I can't take one more catastrophic thing happening. I need to just focus on my life and my kids.

And my husband. And what do I want to do with my life? Like, where do I want to be? I don't want to take care of my dad all the time. Like, if you could just let me be. Like, and I felt like she didn't understand that. I can't even remember what the comment that she made was, had nothing to do with my dad. It was like just a caddy thing between me and her. And I was like, I'm done. I can't do it. You know, I feel like there was a lot of arguing between her and I

for that whole time period. So we left. And I, I think I even was like, right your own car. Yeah. Like, I want you to just leave. But I didn't do that. I, she rode back with us. I did not speak to her the whole way back to Ohio. And I cut her off and did not talk to her for three whole months. And that was like, I mean, she still references that to this day that like, she's grateful for the time that she has with me,

because there was a time when I wouldn't speak to her and she would have updates on her

grandkids and she didn't know what was going on with me. And like, she never wants to be there ever again.

And I hate that it had to come to that. But I think I was just like, I was at a point where I was like, neither one of you are taking care of me. Yeah. Like, I'm an adult. I don't need you to do anything for me, but don't make my life harder. And like, too, it's like, it becomes unfair when it starts holding you back. Right. Yeah. And you, it's important for you to be present for your husband, your kids. Like, yeah, exactly. Like, you don't get those years back. You know, and yeah. So

in that three months when I cut my mom off, my dad and her started talking again. And I was like, very close with my dad, like, staying on top of what was going on, obviously. But like, telling my

“dad, you need to be very cautious. You need to not get your hopes up. Like, and I just kept like,”

getting more angry with my mom. Yeah. So I was just like, I don't know where your heads out, but I'm not going to break the silence to find out. Like, that's where I was at. I'm stubborn in that way, I think. But I did need that time where, like, I kind of set some boundaries with my dad during that period. And I needed that time to like, you know, I was a young mom. I got married very young.

I'm growing up raising kids, which is hard as it is. You know, we were starting businesses. When you're in a startup, that is not like, you know, we were making ends meet. And like, just trying to make the best of our life. And like, I can't just ride this roller coaster all the time with my parents. Like, I need to figure out myself too. So, and then I also was grieving, you know,

normalcy and my, you know, someone that was like a second dad to me. Like, that was very,

that was very traumatic, that whole thing. And just trying to like move forward and be there for my best friend who had just lost her dad. It's just like, you know, I've got to set boundaries for like where I'm at. So, it was probably maybe two, two months after that. When Mom and Dad were back together, wow. Yeah. Mom kicked out her boyfriend, they got back together. Yeah. He moved back in. They got to a place where they were like,

we're not going to, we're going to move on from the past. My dad stayed to sober from richest funeral. He stayed sober that whole time. So, where I was like, we are on a stretch here. Don't ruin things.

You know, we really did stick it out and stay sober. So, when he moved back in with your mom,

did you feel any type of weight lift off your shoulder? Like, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Like, like, like, okay, she couldn't handle this now. Yeah. Like, it was not like, this is your problem now. Right. It was kind of like, it kind of gave you like a little bit of weight stability. Guys, like, I need, yeah. So, the hair there and of wedding anniversary, their original wedding anniversary was November 23rd. So, November 23rd, they got remarried. The same pastor remarried.

“Oh my gosh. Yes, got remarried. And I mean, honestly, it's like,”

that is not the common story that you hear when you hear, you know, like people's parents get divorced.

No, they got remarried. My dad stayed sober. My uncle had had reconstructive surgery to his shoulder.

They eventually made peace with each other. It was very hard for my uncle to forgive my dad, which is valid. It was very hard thing. And my uncle was going through his own stuff. Like, he had to have a kidney transplant. He, you know, was going through dialysis for a very long time. And, you know, adding all of that with his shoulder was not ideal and my dad definitely owned that. And like, you know, I feel like he kind of went through and like, you know, not the cliche, like, made a men's.

But he did make a men's with everybody and kind of tried to, like, say, I'm not going to, I don't want you just to believe me. I'm going to show you that

“change in my life. You know, um, so I, I honestly had some struggles like adapting to the”

normalcy of it again. It was like, they just kind of went back to like, this is life. Like, yeah, and I feel like we're happy. People don't discuss that enough either. When you adapt to how he was after the accident for so long, yeah, even though it was hard, that was the normal for a while. Yeah. And then it's like, oh, you guys are back and find out. And then it's like, where does that leave you again? Because it isn't easy to just hop back into these different

normalcy. It's not at all. And I don't do well with change, right? Most people don't. God was like, watch this. Yeah. Like, we're going to, you're going to learn to adapt. Yeah. So it was, it was like, and then I felt like after that, you know, I'm like trying to find my identity. And I, it was kind of like, my parents got back together. My dad's sober. My mom's happy again. My dad's, like, he's the happiest he's ever been. He's like, so grateful. My mom took it back.

“And how is his physical health? He's still struggled with his arm, you know?”

But could he walk in everything? Yeah. He can walk. Okay. His back. Yeah. I know back in neck broken, but he could walk. Yeah. So it's very lucky in that sense. But it was almost like, they went like, they went back to like, we're going to live a happy life. We're going to move on from where we were. We're going to focus on the future. We're going to take it one day at a time. So dad can stay sober. And I was over here. Like, I don't know who I am. I've been taking care of my

parents and my kids and trying to be in my marriage. And it was like, I'm still holding on to like, all this trauma and like guilt. And like, I don't know what to do with all that. So like,

like up and up and down where like, we were husband could like slam on the break sometimes.

And it would like take me back to slam it on the breaks. And my dad, you know, flying past me. Like, it was just like, I was struggling a little bit. And it was time for me to focus on myself. And I had no idea how to do that. Because I had just been making sure, just trying to make sure my dad was okay all the time. My mom was happy and like, just going back and forth. And I think I had just been in a fight or flight for so long that like, I didn't know what to do with myself. Like,

I legitimately did not know who I was. And I mean, there's also like, oh, the young mom.

“Like, you have to give everything to your kids. Like, that's kind of normal. If you didn't have”

whole situation with your parents, you know, it's hard to you lose your identity as a mom.

That's a very common thing. And it's good because that means you're being a good mom. But like, you lose who you are. And like, you know, I think I just got to a point where I was like, I don't even know what I like to do. Yeah. I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I'm not going to be a stay at home on forever. Like, what do I want to do? What do I want my life to look like? So I feel like all anything that would happen to me, moving forward.

I kind of had this narrative. Like, I'm not good enough. I'm the reason that, you know,

“there are catastrophic mistakes. I'm not going to measure up to who I want to be.”

You know, I look at people on social media and be like, I'm not ever going to be that. Like, I can't, that's not me. I'm not good enough. Like, I had this narrative. And I let that narrative like take over entirely. I feel like I could go to counseling and like kind of like, skate my way through. But like, deep down, I still had this like, you know, I wrecked my whole family's life for so many years. That was my fault. And I would kind of just like move on to the next

thing and like push that down. And if I could go back, I wish so badly that I would have just tackled that head on because I do feel like I carried that into every traumatic thing that happened to me moving forward. And unfortunately, that's life. Things are going to happen. We decided to have

our third child and faced unexplained infertility. They had no idea why I could not get pregnant

with my oldest and my middle. I was just a normal pregnancy. I got pregnant. It was everything was normal. So now here we're trying again and it's not happening. And I just had that like narrative. Like nothing happens for me. Like this is just my life. Like, and I didn't realize it at the time. But I was doing the same thing. My dad had been doing for those years. Like he just felt sorry for himself. Like everything was ruined. His life was a mess. So I ended up getting

pregnant. And I had, I feel like just everything was going so well. Like, we had just bought a house that we were renovating. My parents were traveling. We had moved to Pennsylvania at that point. My parents would travel up and it would just be like the best visits. You know, like, I went hug my dad and just be like my dad. Like, you know, like, I just remember feeling that so much. Like, I still feel that when I like, I'm just like, I have my dad. Like, I almost didn't have my dad.

“And I think my parents had just left. We were working on our house because we wanted to get”

moved in before we had the baby. And I realized that the baby wasn't moving. And my husband thought I was being paranoid. My doctor thought I was being paranoid. But they ended up having me coming the next day just to be sure. So they could kind of ease my mind. And they didn't find a heartbeat. I was at 23 weeks, almost 24 weeks. So I had to go deliver him. He looked just like a siblings. It was, you know, you not something that you have ever prepared for. Like, you don't

get pregnant and be like, well, if I have a stillborn, these are the things I'm going to do. So you're kind of like blindsided in the hospital with like, okay, you need to pick a funeral home.

was a thing. I didn't know I had to choose this. So we had him cremated. I went into the darkest

depression I've ever gone into. And I carried that same narrative of just like, this is it. Like, nothing good happens to me. There, you know, it'd been things in between those things that like, I carried that narrative and I gained so much weight. And when I say I lost to myself, I lost myself. Ended up getting pregnant again unexpectedly and was like, the baby's due date was Christmas day, which was mind-blowing to me. And I ended up losing that baby at 12

weeks. So I had to have a DNC. And I remember just being like, we'd went in for the ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. And there was no heartbeat. And I was just like, this is my life. Like, what is happening? Like, why do I feel like nothing can go right? Like, and I carried that narrative. Like, I just learned not to. Yeah. Like, I just felt like, not only was I an adequate, but my body is now an adequate. I can't even carry a baby. Like, those are the things that like,

“that's how I was talking to myself. And that became my personality. Like, I was a personal trainer”

at the time. I quit my job. It was like, I don't, I don't want to go do anything. I'm not. I don't want to leave the house. I gained even more weight. Ended up finding out that I had a blood

cutting disorder only when I'm pregnant. So I pretty much wrote that off and was like, I'll never

get pregnant again because I hate needles. And I cannot give myself an injection in my stomach twice a day. And that's how I would stay pregnant if I wanted to do that. And then I got pregnant with bloody. And I was like, I'm not, like, I just can't do this again. Like, there was no, it's like, it's not something that you can explain to someone entirely unless they felt like a loss and then got pregnant again because it's like, you want to be excited. But like, that's ripped away

from you because you've experienced what it feels like to, to like have that excitement. And then it just all goes away. What do you do? It's a form of, you know, protecting yourself when you did it. You don't want to get protecting your emotions. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. So I was just like,

“beside myself. I didn't even tell my husband I was pregnant. That's how like I was just like,”

I remember like leaving the desks in the bathroom and it went back to bed and he got up to go to work. And he texted me and was like, are you pregnant? And I was like, yep. That's just all. Yeah. It was like, we'll see. Yeah. That's what's happened. So I called my doctor had to give myself injections. That needles. No joke. Not a fan of needles. I'll do tattoos all day long. Right. I'm the same way. Not a cannot. Yeah. Can't do injections. So that quickly changed.

I feel like anxiety just overcame me. Like I was just like paralyzed every day. And like

still fighting for my identity in the same thing. Like I just never figured out like

who am I and like, how do I move forward? I still just held on to so much stuff. Like I don't know. Like even just going home, like to visit my parents driving down the road or, you know, I don't know. Like there would just be like memories of like driving past my dad's old apartment or whatever. Like I can't explain to you the like sickness I would feel in my stomach. It was like I never healed from all of that. And then you like layer on things like holding your still warm baby and like

not fully healing from that. I feel like I just like got to the point where I just wasn't doing any work. I just was like disassociating from everything. And my best friend is like the very opposite. Like she's like very like so cry every time we talk. That's just normal. Yeah. Like that's just her. And I am like oh let's not cry. Nope. I'm like I'm not gonna cry. I'm, you know,

“and she would be like you. Sometimes I think you just need to cry. Like I think you need to just like”

let it out. Home into that, you know. But I just got into this point where like I couldn't. So I had

You know, all this time my dad still sober. Okay. And like we talk about it frequently. Like I'm

always telling him how proud I am of him that like he has stayed sober this whole time. And you know

we've lost so many people in our family. We've had a lot of things happen and my dad has like just been a rock through it all. Like and I just like I'm so proud of him for that. And I feel like that with this postpartum was like kind of the first time I felt like my dad was like

“there for me. It was like it was not a secret to anyone who knows me that I was like down.”

I felt like I just I never figured out who I wanted to be. Here I'm raising my kids times just like

flying by. I have a teenager. He's taller than me. Where did time go? I don't know what I want to do.

I don't even know who I am. I can hardly talk about my stillborn son at this point. Like just I just was like not in a good place mentally and I hated myself. And I just feel like there were so many years of like guilt and trauma and loss and I let that define who I was. Like I just fully let that like wash over me and not to I was. And it was affecting everyone around me at that point. Like I feel like up until then it wasn't but when I hit postpartum it was like my depression

was affecting everybody. You never knew what was gonna happen. The highs and lows like you never

knew what mood I was gonna be in. My kids were like mom you gotta like chill. Like just like they didn't have happy mom for sure. And so I feel like 2024 I hit a breaking point and was like it is time for me to like do the work and take charge of my life. So I did. I feel like I dove into so many things. I feel like 2024 was like the year of crying for me. It's like I dove into so much and was just like like you get one life. I don't get these years back. I don't get these years back

“with my kids. What kind of mom are they gonna grow up and remember? Like who do I want them to look”

back and like remember me as? And that was like my motivation of like I don't want my kids to feel like they have to take care of me. I don't want them to feel like they have to heal from me in my issues that I didn't work through. So I really started to look at things like through the perspective of my kids. And I based so much of what happened to me around like the decision of my parents and I wanted to try to give my kids like the opposite of that. Like I just don't want

them to feel like they have to navigate my trauma because I didn't do the work to heal from it. You know? So I feel like that whole end of the year into 2025. I started a GOP one because I was very overweight, very miserable in my body. It just like wasn't even a thought to me. Like it was just like I need help. Like I can't absolutely. Yeah. And so I started it through like a telehealth company. What I wouldn't have gotten approved with my insurance. And I woke up one

day after starting that and I was like I'm gonna make a TikTok. It reminds me when I was like like this is like if you know me like that's just not me. And I was like yeah feel like I've been through a bunch of things. And I feel like I could help somebody like that might be going through that. And I'm also starting a GOP one and I want to share that journey. So I did that. And literally I can't I can't even explain it to you. My whole life like

completely changed. It felt like it was like overnight. But it just like I met so many people that could relate to where I was as a mom could relate to trying to heal from trauma as a mom

“because you have to shout for your kids and be everything for your kids. And then like by the time”

the day is gone you're like I had no time to even think about myself or like what I wanted to do

with a telehealth company. I lost 67 pounds so far and my kids have a happy mom. My husband has a

happy life. And I feel like that is my like lesson with that and I've talked to my dad so much and depth about it and like we both feel the same way. Like he's done so much work emotionally that like it really truly is up to you and like what you give power to and that is going to determine the course of your life. Whatever the narrative that you're giving power to the thoughts you're giving power to, things are going to happen to you but they don't define you. I think it's hard

to because we're not really taught to. We're not taught how to change that narrative. You know we're

not given the skills it's almost like you have to find that yourself whether it is kind of through

the health of therapy or you know it's not an overnight thing. Right. I think that you know it and it's I feel like it's very easy to say like oh I need to find myself but that's not an easy thing to do. It takes time. It takes work and people sometimes are willing to put the work in and I think too you know it's totally normal and okay to go through not that we want to ever go through these sad or dark periods but I think it's it's totally fine to go through them but we

“can't sit in them. I think you have to go through them. Yeah you gotta hit the low sometimes.”

And but that is it like you can't sit there. That's right. Like right. You can't stay there. Like it's trauma is part of your story and it's gonna be like that's just life. You're gonna experience things like that but you can't let it become who you are. Like that can't become your identity and you can't get too wrapped up in like this I think a lot of people get wrapped up in the thought of time you know and like while yes everything moves so fast you know life moves fast

but there is no right or wrong time to find ourselves or to work on ourselves and I think that if we just live in the present moment and realize like okay this is where I am now and I'm finding and discovering myself now and becoming the best version of myself now. Yeah that's enough. You know like we can't beat ourselves up about the past. Exactly. Because we want you to forward. Yeah. Yeah I feel like when you let that narrative like you let whatever it is that you've

gone through become your identity it's like a snowball effect and you don't even realize what

“it's happening. Yeah and that is that's that's what my dad did and he made that his identity. Yeah”

like that was his identity for so long that he wasted so many years and I feel like you know like the hurt that was caused by the snowball effect of that could have been avoided and then like I turned around thankfully I didn't let it get that far but like you know I saw how easy it is to fall into that by going through those things in my life losing a baby and just like it is so easy to make excuses for your life because of the things that you've gone through

and like your trauma is real it's valid but you need to like lean into it and heal from it and work for it and focus on it. Don't like disassociate from it but you just can't let it become your identity. Well I think too you know in those moments of struggle and negativity and pain that becomes a normal in that time and like I mentioned it does take work to get out of that

“and to better ourselves and I think unless you're willing to own up to that and put in the work”

and be software it's going to be very very difficult to pull yourself out of those situations. You know especially when it does feel like one thing after another after another is just knocking you down I mean like once again we really aren't given the tools and taught you know on social media

our in society how to get ourselves out of that and once again I always say you know as much

as no one deserves these things to happen the experiences the trauma is and everything we go through it allows us to be more relatable it allows us to understand others better and to have that sincerity and that empathy and I mean look at you now like you never would have thought that you'd be right like helping other things with media have shaped who I am and I feel like that has shaped who I'm raising and the way I'm raising them and yeah I just feel like you have to get uncomfortable that's

out of that and yeah so I feel like you know I would not be where I am right now I've made so many

“friends I've traveled by myself amazing trying to like just come into who I am here and I'm you know”

32 now and then like still just figuring it out and that's so yes and yeah I feel like that is like my one piece of advice for anybody listening is like whatever you've been through don't let it define you but I encourage you to like get uncomfortable do that thing that you have felt like is that like far out of reach or like you've always thought like maybe I could do that or I want to do that because you could change the whole course of your life do the work and like heal from the stuff that

has happened to you and grow from it like let it shape you let it help other people let other people learn from it because if you don't your your fears your thoughts your beliefs they're going to hold you back and you're just going to stay where you're at and I feel like how do I not done that you know my life looks drastically different than it did this time last year and you're always growing

you're always learning new things and you do such an amazing job of expressing yourself

and your story truly like you are you're so good at it like it seems so natural to you so easy for you to just share the different parts of it yeah I feel like that's because I have like learned and I've grown from it like I have let it inter like positives I've turned positives into it

“and I don't mean that as like you should have toxic positivity at all like don't let that hold”

you down but like you can turn it into something that benefits you and others because we're supposed to learn from these things that's what we're supposed to do so that's what I've done is like I would have laughed so hard if somebody would have told me that I would be on social media your content creator yes that's why I like it so hard for me to say that because it just sounds funny but a change in perspective and what you're giving power to determines what your life's going to

look like yeah and I feel like the second I made that decision and my dad would say the same thing the second he made that decision his life looks so different now he's just yeah he's just thriving he's thriving he's thriving he's still in pain he's still struggles from time to time but like I feel like we both that our own time had to heal from those things and we're both very different people that still just this tight as we were I know that that accident was not my fault we've talked

about that in depth you know like it was a free chance because it was a thing you know and yeah

“but yeah that's what I'm doing now is trying to share that with other people that like”

you just can get stuck in that for so many years so many years you can get stuck in that and like having watched my dad just being that there was no pulling him out like they just wasn't heartbreaking to watch somebody that you love yeah go from one version of themselves to another right and you know they have so much potential yeah and yeah so I mean it's just like anyone who feels like they're they're like you have potential you know like you have potential you can

pull yourself out of that and yeah I just feel like sharing that on social media sharing my weight loss journey I have like buried it all my bare stomach yeah like all of it and I just want it to be relatable to somebody else you know it 100% is there's not I think now we're getting

to a point where there's a lot more of it but there's never enough you know there's never too much

you can relate to like bring all the related ability and positivity like there's never too much yeah yeah so no that's yeah I feel like I feel like I've learned a lot I feel like it's easy for me to tell that story now and my dad it it even is like a joke yeah it's not funny but it is we're both we both have a morbid since a human but you make light out of it somebody would like ask him where his scar came from like oh my gosh because I mean he's got like yeah and we would be

together in a restaurant or something he still does it to this day my kids think it's hilarious but like she had me with a truck and nobody knows what to say she right over the shop yeah and yeah so like you just have to like I don't know you know and and give grace because it's like Alex

Warren Warren's song first time on earth yeah I've never heard that it's literally talking

gonna make mistakes my parents are not perfect they're not supposed to be perfect it's their first

“time to figure out life too so like you just can't hold things against people like they're just”

figuring it out you gotta have grace you've got to be forgiving and like understand that like just

the same as you're trying to navigate life and your decisions and the way you're feeling and

“your emotions and your trauma and you're trying to turn that into something they are too yeah”

you know even though we feel like our parents should have it all figured out and they should take care of us and be like our you know they're just figuring it out too this is they're getting

“old for the first time too like they're you know so I just feel like I have learned a lot from that”

and yeah I'm just happy that I got to come and share it well you did amazing thank you so much

but what I still want to do is not to be a part of the world I'm so excited but what I still want to do is not to be a part of the world the master of the club is the internet so master is really great you can say that you can say that you're a co-worker you know you're a master but you don't see verdientianic egal ciao barwort verlustvortrag machtie ganz einfach mit wie so steuer und wenn sie dann arbeitet heist es katschen das geht safe wie so steuer holte dein geld zurück jetzt kosten los ausprobieren