Schizophrenia Took My Brother

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So my name is Kelly. I am here to talk about my twin brothers diagnosis with skits to affect

of disorder, but I also want to talk about how that affected my family and I.

So I'll also be talking about my own mental health, but mainly I want to center on my brothers illness. So I'm going to, I'm going to refer to my iPad too, just because it's a lot. Yes. So I'll start with childhood. So I have four brothers. I am the only girl. I'm the baby. Except I do have my twin that I'll be talking about, who's 15 minutes older than me. And then I have a brother that's two years older than us. And then I have two older brothers

that are half brothers and they're about 10 to 15 years older than us. And so I'll talk about our living situation as children. So my parents and I are divorced. They have been divorced since we were babies. And we probably lived with my mom. So it was me, my twin, and our older brother.

“That's two years older than us. And I think it was, like I would say that it was normal, a pretty normal”

childhood. I would say that it was happy to my living with my mom. You know, she tried to do everything she can to make, to give us the best life. So we lived in a mobile home. And I feel like it was a pretty happy existence there. And then we saw my dad two times during the week. And he had lived with his parents in a retirement community. So we would, whenever we would go there, we would be in the living room. That's, that's where our bed was. That's where we would sleep.

So it was me and my brother is also being in one family room when we would go to visit him. But my twin and I were inseparable. Everywhere we go, people would be like, "Where are the twins?" So you wouldn't really get me without him. So we did like everything together too. And we played sports together. Yeah, I would say that it was pretty happy growing up. Then because of my twin and I being

“so close and everyone giving us attention, I think that did leave out my older brother. So we saw”

all behavioral challenges with him. That would look like a lot of aggression and being physical. So he was physical toward my mom. And then he would just attack my twin and I. If my mom were working, then he would be in charge of us. And that was like terrifying because he just wanted to be a separate thing. And if we didn't do what he wanted, then he'd be like chasing us around the house, trying to pinch us. Yeah. Oh, terrorized you guys. Yeah. He was. And he was that. He is your full brother.

Right. Okay. Got it. Yes. So yeah, he was a crazy one. And then I'll talk about us being in school at Swell too. So yeah. Oh, also when we would go see my dad, his relationship with us was

“good. I really enjoyed going to see him. I think Brian and I, we were always so close to my dad.”

He treated us like we were his pride in joy because he would always say that we were pretty easy

going kids. And then my other brother, which is like not so easy. So he would take us to places like amusement parks, basically anything that we wanted to do when we were with him for the two days. So we just saw him as being fun and like we could do what we wanted over there. But when I look back on seeing my dad, I do realize we didn't, we didn't get to know him fully. He never really talked about himself. Every time I asked questions about him, he would, he would start to answer them.

to asking anything else. So he never really wanted to talk about himself. And like his childhood and

“even things that he liked and didn't like. He really just wanted to talk about what was going on”

in the world. Or if I had a problem or anything I want to talk about, I could talk to him. So at least he did that for us. He was only someone we can go to with problems. He just didn't want to talk about himself. But for Brian, my dad and him had a great relationship. They, they did so much together. They enjoyed sports. So they were really big on sports. They would always watch games on TV. They went to games. Anything that really involves sports. So you would see Brian hanging out with

my dad a bunch. So that was really my childhood. Then we get up to like middle school in high school years where I would see myself having mental health. I don't, I want to want to say issues. But I would just see my anxiety starting to come out. So I'll talk about how, how I was during that time and then how Brian appeared to be. Because I obviously don't know exactly what was going in his head throughout his childhood or throughout his high school age. But for me, I was definitely

realizing my own anxieties. So like I, I was very self-conscious and so I had a lot of social anxiety. I didn't know like their names for all of this back then. But I just knew that I didn't want to talk to people. I would just hide away. I would just avoid people. So I was kind of like a loner in high school. I didn't. But I kind of liked it like that too. I didn't really want to like socialize. I just wanted to keep myself private. So no one would really know who I was, but everyone knew who

Brian was. Because Brian was a class clown. He was always the comedian. He's always trying to get

people to laugh. And that's, that's always been the case through childhood too. He's just always trying to make people laugh. So in in classes, he would just joke around and sometimes I would get in trouble too. But yeah, everyone knew who he was. He was on the sports teams too. So he had a lot of friends. And I even remember like walking through the halls and I would like see Brian and I would wait to him. And he would just give me a head-knot like that. Because he didn't really want to,

he didn't want people to associate me with him. Yeah. Because I was like a nerd and he was Mr. Cool. Right. So cool. Or just like classic brother and sister. So quick question, what age would you say that you were when you started feeling the anxiety coming on? I actually can't remember a time without anxiety. I just started noticing it when I was about 13. But if I look back

on it, there was like never a time without anxiety. Do you have any idea of what you think kind of

triggered it to come on or do you think it was kind of just like with age maybe? Yeah, that is

“such a good question because I think at that all the time, I'm not 100% sure but I think it's genetics too.”

I think that my family is full of mental health issues, illnesses, some that are just not spoken about, some that haven't come to light. But I know from even my dad he's an introvert and I think seeing him being an introvert, I think that also played a part on why. I didn't really want to talk to people too. Yeah. But I never really known a time without feeling I was on the edge feeling I was like suffocating. So I remember things like even breathing. Like I can actually

feel that now because I'm the anxiety doesn't go away. Like I still have a hard time breathing. I just know how to better handle it. I'm going to say you just kind of like learn to manage it. Yes, exactly. But back then, I would have difficulty breathing. I would get stomach aches, I would feel like I'm going to throw up a lot. I just kind of like hid from the world because I had all these feelings and then if I brought them up to my dad or my mom when my dad, he, he would

“call me like a hypocondriac. I remember distinctly we were at an apple bees and we were eating and”

out of nowhere I just felt like I was suffocating and couldn't breathe and I told my dad that I can't breathe and he called me a hypocondriac and I was like okay I guess I'm just worrying too much about nothing but now I realize that's a telling sign of anxiety. But it's very hard to look at a

growing up too I think it wasn't talked about much. The older generation I think it's harder for them to understand mental illness to a degree as well. I feel like like you just mentioned it is so much more talked about now and under certain different ways than it was before. Yes exactly. I don't think it were people were really aware of the signs of anxiety or any mental illness as much as we are today. So I don't blame my parents at all for not recognizing these signs but I could just

I'm just like oh wow if they were recognized back then I could have been helped a little bit sooner

“but yeah so that's how I felt most of the time. I'm not sure about Brian. He if anything was going”

on with him like we would not have known he wouldn't have talked about it but he always looked like

he was fine and just thriving right. I can't more than alkaline personally. So yeah so he was definitely Mr. Cool and High School. So if anything was going on with him we just would not have known back then. You can do all the therapy, all the breath work and all the journaling but if your body is running on empty you feel it. Low energy, burnout, that wired, but tired feeling that's why I started taking might of pure gummies. They support your cellular energy basically helping you

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So, I also was thinking about mentioning how anxiety looks at for children. So, yeah, I just go them back in time a bit. Like, for me too, it's crazy to think about this. But I remember being little, like second grade in thinking, I was hideous. Like, I didn't want to look at mirrors or I just kind of like deems to myself as hideous. And I don't know why. I don't know how that ever occurred. But I think it's just good to mention because children can feel like this too. And

I work with children now. So, I think about it. I apply it now to my work because I'm like,

children can have these thoughts and we should always be uplifting children and just aware of it too.

Like, I think that there probably is that misconception that, you know, they're young, they don't understand it. Like, you know, and I think too, it sometimes can happen where there is no specific trigger. Like, and it could just be, you know, a generational thing or something where it, you know, we live in a world that is very stressful and it's constantly going and it's fast-paced and I think that on its own can induce anxiety on young kids just by seeing what goes on

in your surroundings and at school and whatever else. Yes, I completely agree to. I think it's very environmental, genetics, predisposed. Yeah, because I can't think of anything that would have caused that. It's not like my parents were telling me like you're a great, nothing specific. No one was saying it was just in my head myself. So, those were the types of thoughts that I was having and like, where I was all throughout childhood. Like I said, I don't really remember time not feeling like that.

So, yeah, that was our high school life, our high school situation. Then I,

I can think about is him not graduating high school and I actually just thought about this yesterday

because I'm like, oh, that might have been something like a part of it a reason why, but for senior year, he just started not wanting to do the work, not wanting to hand in his homework or assignments, just failing his classes and he didn't have that a drive for it. And then I do remember my parents being very upset with him and he was so hard of on himself. That's one thing I will say, may have been a telling sign. He was very hard on himself, even in sports like playing baseball.

If he struck out, he would just like throw the bat and even get kicked out of games. So,

I don't know, I think that definitely shows something. Yeah. And then I graduated high school and he wasn't walking with me. So, my parents were very disappointed with him so that he just

“ended up dropping out. He didn't drop out and that's what I was trying to figure out yesterday talking”

to my husband. Yeah. I'm having trouble thinking back to it. He didn't drop out, but I'm not sure if he got like his GED because he did end up going to college for a little bit after that. So, I'm not quite sure how it went. I just know he didn't graduate with me and my parents were very disappointed and then moving on to early adulthood college life. So, we both entered college directly out of high school. We went to community college and he only stayed in college for like

I don't know, maybe a couple of months and then he did drop out of college and I continued and I know my parents were disappointed with that as well. He ended up getting a job at a retirement

“community and I think he was a dishwasher. But this is where I don't exactly know what was going”

on with him or I didn't pay too much attention because I was doing my own thing and focusing on my life and we didn't have much communication at that point. So, we were going from child's head where we were inseparable to high school where we were not trying to hang out with me to college years where we didn't really talk much. Now, other than him not having much interest in education anymore was there any other, I guess you could say like behavioral changes that you

saw on him or not so much. Not anything that directly stands out to me. Okay. Yeah, there's nothing I can think back on that I know of right away but I just knew that he was hard on

“himself. I think we all saw that but I don't think any of us like thought much of it because a lot of”

people are hard on themselves. Right and it's a weird age too. I feel right. I got age you're trying to find yourself and your interests are changing and everything in between. Yeah, so we didn't see

anything at that point and then I think we can go up to 2017 where I would think our first traumatic

incident occurred and how old were you guys at this point? 2017 we were like 22. Okay. So we went on a family vacation and we were seeing my on and cousins on my mom's side of the family. We would see them we were trying to make a trip like each year to go see them and so long story short my my cousin's husband was brutally beaten by my cousin so my cousin's brother so if that makes sense they so your cousin's husband yeah was beaten up by another cousin's brother so I have a cousin named

Brittany who has a husband named Steve and then my other cousin David who's Brittany's sibling okay so Brittany's brother so David beat up Steve got it okay they were drunk and it just escalated so much some family secrets started coming out of abuse and just like things that were not known yeah we're all so shocked they were just like spilling it all out and we were just like sitting there

died we saw that he he's just his face was like completely not his face anywhere it was like swollen

and we saw blood smears on the wall and we had never seen anything like that yeah it's scary

right we were with my mom Brian and then Robert my brother that's a couple years old at in us and while my mom and my other brother reacted with me we were all reacting to it Brian I saw himself I isolated and shut down and that's the first time I've ever seen him like that so

“I do think that that had an effect on him somehow yeah like a trigger in a way right yeah I think”

like some things just build up and and cause the trigger to happen and I think that was one of them for him for us for the rest of us I think we all reacted and expressed ourselves we all did stop talking to that side of the family we do not talk to them anymore because that was just crazy

but at the same time none of us really spoke about it after that day so we never really had a

conversation after that I don't think he I don't think Brian got to let it out I don't know even know if he would know how to talk about that yeah so that was crazy then we go up to I would say me going to your university for your college so as far as my mental health I was doing pretty good in high end college until I started having panic attacks so for me now I know I'm diagnosed with panic disorder so cool right what a joy I know when you were talking about the feeling that you had

it where was it athletes yeah I have that happen a lot as well wow yeah it's like it's literally the worst feeling so I good and I still it's like it still happens randomly too and it's one of those things that it's like it doesn't really go away it's just like you learn to manage it and push through it and that is the anybody that doesn't have anxiety if they don't get it like no once your head has something happen like you're in your brain you've had this experience of like feeling

that feeling right it's like it wants to keep feeling it has like a form of torture it's like oh I felt it once like let's just keep it up but it's like any environment that's similar to that and it doesn't matter how much you tell yourself like I am fine it's just like your body shuts down sore it's like the worst thing it is the worst thing and it's all just it's not even like you doing it to yourself it's like it's just your body attacking for yeah it's like you don't want

“to happen like it's like the worst thing but it's yeah I think that and so interesting I really do”

even just from talking to other people it's one of those things that once something like that happens once it's like your body holds it's like crappy feeling it's like a hold on to it and it's just like this response in situations that I feel like you're not super comfortable in right have you notice that if you like if you're feeling that way and then you go into a situation for example like if you were somewhere that you weren't that comfortable and you had like the panic feeling

if you removed yourself and just like went home or went somewhere that was like comfortable do you notice it would go right away for you I would think so I don't know if I've ever like removed myself or because I I'm just like I felt it for so long because I felt it throughout childhood okay that it's just become what I'm accustomed yeah yeah it's become the norm but it kind of just happens abruptly to when I'm in this situation yeah can't leave right so

“that's why it's like I feel like too for people listening it's like any any situation that you can”

that you're in to give yourself control it's like it's okay to just like be honest with yourself like what you need right but then also to be honest with like the people around you because I feel like it's really common to for some reason that like you feel I don't even know the word not maybe not ashamed or it almost feels like a burden at the moment you want to like hide it even more right so I feel like just to like speak out be like look this is how I'm feeling just want to like you

know like I feel like I'm gonna pass on or vomit or ship myself that's what I say so I always say

that to others I always just go directly to I'm gonna pass out right because it's like you can you need to know how I'm feeling right now because if not I feel like it's easy to kind of pick up on that like are you okay for there no not really yeah but no so I I get it to a degree for sure no so good to hear somebody else yeah too but to answer your question I think now I can

that I didn't allow myself to leave those situations I just stayed also because my anxiety is like you can't let you play they're gonna want they're gonna see that something's happening or like they're gonna be like are you okay and I do not want people to ask me if I'm okay it's a crappy thing it's like there is no right thing to do you're just like I mean just sit here and not move until it like hopefully goes away the worst the worst feeling ever I mean now I do have a partner

that that helps understand what I'm going through because I've told him literally everything my husband so I do have somebody who I can tell like I need to get out of here and he knows exactly when my anxiety's starting to happen and he knows what situations are gonna make you

“to cure okay to like just being in public in general and I think too when you're with someone that you”

have that comfort with it helps ease it for sure like I noticed that even with myself it's like if I'm with a family member like move really close friends like I know it really won't happen or if it doesn't say but it's like if I'm not with them and I'm alone I'm like this is not going to be good like I don't care myself that's exactly how I feel too yeah and yeah definitely

started happening in college days and the first like panic attack that I remember was not too long

after a breakup like a terrible breakup with my first boyfriend I was just inside my head and so many thoughts going on I was just like feeling so many emotions and getting overwhelmed with them I couldn't stop thinking and that's now I now how I realize the panic attacks are occurring but I didn't realize it at that point I was like just thinking about it over and over also because I have OCD to me so my brain is just like continuously going on and I was in I remember being in a

car and this was happening and then all of a sudden my head starts to go numb and I'm like my body's all tankly and then I start to hyperventilate and that's really how a panic attack starts for me like as I'm talking about it I can feel it happening so I try to I know yeah

“because that's how the brain works I get it so take your time okay I totally get it over here it's crazy”

I mean I haven't had a panic attack in so long so yeah because of my meds now right but back then I was not medicated so it was just happening and then it was it was just the craziest thing I was I started hyperventilating and then I thought I was dying because yeah like a panic attack feels like you're just dying you're having heart attack once I was able to stop crying which happens for like 10 to 15 minutes just doesn't stop then I like what in the world was that my

other brother was with me at the time when he was like well was that right what was that there I was like I don't know what occurred and actually at that time my older brother was kind of a security for me because he was the first person I experienced a panic attack with and I told him what was going on and he started recognizing that I was having these a whole bunch so yeah that was definitely in college days it would be I realized that alcohol was a trigger so going out and

partying was in the best because if I got drunk I never knew which way it was gonna go

it's either gonna be a great time we're having so much fun or it's gonna turn into a panic attack at the end of the night and like sometimes it would just happen like I don't even know the trigger I just would start panicking and it would just be a panic attack and I remember calling my brother each time those would occur to and he would talk me down because you do need somebody to talk you out of it like because when do you have a panic attack it feels like it's never going to end and

it's very isolating too yes it is and people who happen to have it just don't understand they're like oh my gosh what was happening to you so yeah that was that was a crazy time and

“that was the beginning of my panic disorder I think actually I don't think that was the beginning”

I think I had one panic attack previously the first time ever was when I was around 13 okay

and I remember 13 so like so well because that's when I started really using my OCD as well so I'll go back to 13 so my first panic attack was when I realized this is very morbid but that we're all gonna die and I started realizing because I grew up and I going to a Christian church and some of my mom she didn't like harp on us having religion in our life like you don't

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every night I had to pray like my mom my dad everybody in my life has to be okay and if I didn't

“pray I would think like the worst was going to happen yeah so I think that was part of my OCD”

yeah and then so I then at age 13 I started thinking about it for like for real I started thinking like oh my gosh wait it's got real like we're all actually just gonna die what day and that is so crazy and like we're all just living on a planet like that's just floating around in the sky and that's you start driving yourself crazy I was driving myself crazy and then I had a panic attack right then in there and I couldn't breathe I just fell to the floor and nobody saw me I was just

alone in my room having a panic attack and then I was like what in the world is that but now I

look back and they think that's my first panic attack again then after that I started to replace

praying in my head to God because I don't think I necessarily believed anymore at that point so I had a replace it with something else in my head which came along my OCD so so this is kind of crazy but because I still do it to this day probably even as we're speaking I like subconsciously do this but I like spell all the words I'm hearing in my head but I have to put like good words on the right side of my brain and like bad words on the left side of my brain it won't make sense to to anybody

who doesn't go through this but I'm just spellin words out all the time and if I don't do that

“then I feel like something bad is gonna happen or I'm I think at 13 I thought something bad”

would happen to my family or like whatever I didn't want to happen would happen so it was kind of like this

continuous thing it was a ritual that I had to do and still have to do just to keep control now as an adult I think I recognize it and I like it's just a thing to calm my anxieties and kind of I think it kind of mellows me out of it too and what it look whatever works for you right like I think I think it helps me to come back and gain control bit at the time I thought like at age 13 I'm like if I don't do this then all these bad things are gonna happen so I have to keep spelling but now I'm like

I have to spell words in my head just because it calms me down but yeah when you started having more panic attacks more frequently in college did you go to like a therapist or psychiatrist and get diagnosed at that time or did you wait a little bit I waited a little bit I did not go at that time you were just mainly calling your brother to like on about what it happened yes I don't think I thought to go to therapy yeah I just wasn't at that point yet yeah I'm so young too yeah

and everything was moving so fast at that age I just kind of dealt with it right I'm thought of it as like oh yeah this is my this is my norm I just have panic attacks yeah it's fine

“but yeah so I I would I would talk about them though and that's one thing I think I am pretty good”

I just like talking about my feelings and like letting it out and telling whoever will listen so I wasn't holding it all in I was still getting it out at at times whenever I needed to but it did feel like a panic attack could occur at any moment like I would just wake up and feel on the edge and feel like this impending sense of doom for like no reason yeah I just I think I just had like a lot of fears and recognizing now I think like not believing in a god or anything

I think that contributes to it greatly because that's really scary to you know not believe in

I didn't have faith in things I just kind of thought negatively I thought like the worst

“was going to happen so I think having that mindset too it just is a recipe for disaster like”

it you're just gonna feel the worst yeah but I think like college for for me was just in I opened it for all those things yeah so then as for Brian during that time yes he dropped out of college he wasn't he was not going to college when I was in university I think he just had I don't know what job he had at that point and then I'll move on to 2019 that is a pretty bad year for us for as a family that's when things took a turn for the worse so we had three deaths all around the same

time like within a span of three months so first it was my uncle who died of Cerrosus of the liver she was an alcoholic and we didn't know him that well he's my dad's brother and both of them are introverts so they didn't really take time to see each other they didn't really have any gatherings my uncle didn't come to see as much just on occasions like Christmas so we didn't know him that well but we got to see him at the end of his life because my dad became his caretaker so we

got to see him dying which was just really sad of course to see anybody like that we saw that he was just like a shell of a human he couldn't really formulate thoughts he was just kind of sitting there like I do remember maybe it was like Thanksgiving and he was sitting on the couch and he had placed a blanket over his head and then my dad's like what are you what are you doing over there and then my uncle is like I don't even know and it was just you know we kind of like chuckled at it at first

but then it's it's just really sad to think about like he was just he was a fading way and then

he eventually passed and then my dad he he definitely cried he I've never really seen my dad cry like

that before he he's not one to show much emotion but yeah he was very upset about that obviously so

“that's where I think addiction starts in our family I think we could see that it's a thing”

then a couple months later my oldest brother passed away and he died at age 36 and of a drug overdose so so his name is Michael and he definitely plays part in this whole situation so so Michael and then my other older brother David were we had always been so much younger than them that they were our basically caretakers at times they used to have brothers yeah okay there are

half-brothers and so they were babysit us when we were little and we always looked up to them

and we mostly knew them in our childhood and so yeah so we would know them as our younger selves we didn't and we were close with them when you were older no and I realized why now because I thought they just had left our lives well David doesn't have part in this but Michael he stopped seeing us and we found out because of my mom not giving him money for for anything anymore but as children we didn't know that there was a drug issue so we thought he had just stopped

seeing coming to see us and then after he passed away we found out for my mom that he

“had been addicted to drugs she had known the whole time like kept it is a secret from us which of”

course is probably for the best but now looking back on it I see how Michael was a drug addict I see different times that fit that way of life so I it definitely hit all of us of course

it was very shocking like how did he die of a drug overdose like he he we had never known anything

of that before so it hit me definitely but I think I hit Brian the most I mean my mom of course

and I think she's very strong in her religion so I think that's what gets her through but

“definitely Brian it took a toll on I think because he just looked up to Michael so much”

so even at his funeral we but like when I was there I was just kind of like talking a bunch I was asking questions to my dad because my dad was next to me so I would ask him like like what's gonna happen now like I don't like how do you even like know God is real like things like that I was just chatting it up I mean I was definitely sad but I saw Brian he was just like he had his head buried in his hands he was very distraught and I remember going up to Brian and

thinking just asking him are are you okay but he didn't want to talk about anything so yeah Michael passed and then a couple months after that we lost our family dog and that was a hard one too because our dog was precious and just the best the sweetest little boy so again it took a toll on all of us but it definitely affected Brian because while I was a wing college I didn't come home as often but Brian was he was living at my dad's house at the time so he was with our dog all the

time it was just like his best little companion so he grew quite an attachment to him so I remember even asking Brian after our dog died like how he felt and everything and Brian he led it out to me that he just wasn't he wasn't doing okay he was he was not wanting to have

“another dog after that and I think he was like a good chat I think he was finally like opening up”

about his feelings because I never really heard him talk about his feelings before like that so

yeah but we got all those hard hits that year and I think that may have caused the onset of his disorder that same year 2019 Brian became addicted to weed and like when you think about weed or when a lot of people think about weed at least when I think about it I don't think of it being like that bad anything to be so worried about I mean I did partake in my college years but does not do anything good for me so I don't really touch that and and I am also lucky because I

don't have an addictive personality I've never been addicted to really anything but as you can see

“there's a lot of history of addiction so sadly I think Brian trying weed it was just something”

that would happen it would make him addicted to it so he once he started he just couldn't stop from there like until this day he has not stopped smoking weed so yeah 2019 began his addiction and then we go on to 2020 so the pandemic happens yes so I'll start with COVID for me so for my mental health was terrible because I'm also a dermatologist and my anxiety spiked it just it was at its greatest and I just thought of it as like the apocalypse you know I thought

nowhere was safe and I was so fearful of losing my family members I think that's like the biggest thing for me as I'm just so scared to lose somebody so I was just like I I'm not letting that happen so I was that person that would gear up and go outside like when we were going to the grocery store I'd be in like latex gloves I would have like double masks a shield over you know just very I probably annoying even for my husband too like when we went to a grocery store once like I

do remember we got chicken and then we got into the car and he starts eating chicken and I'm freaked out because I'm like you didn't wash your hands or you're trying to kill us you know we're gonna get COVID now it's just gonna happen yeah it didn't happen at that point we were fine but that's my mental level at that point it was just so much fear and anxiety so COVID was not a good thing for me I mean for anybody but yeah it was just terrible I think

people were more mild and relaxed about it like for my brain I just wasn't able to relax about it but I know Brian and my dad got COVID around the same time and that that was like my worst fear is like oh my gosh my family members have COVID now so I would check it on my dad every day because I just thought like you know the older you are the more susceptible to the worst parts of COVID you'd be but they were both like it was just cold for them really so yeah so COVID happened

and then shortly after that Brian had wrecked his car he was driving he was driving to a bank

and then he just he hit a pole I always say pole we were but it's not pole pole and so there was

“damage to the car and I believe that was a newer car too so when he brought it home my dad was”

very upset because my dad got him the car but at the same time Brian was extremely distraught like he was just beating himself up he was calling himself an idiot he was more upset than anybody so my dad wrecking nice at and he said he had never seen Brian like that before so he was he wasn't like hard on him he wasn't trying to harp on it or anything like it's okay you know it was just an accident but I think that's also when we started noticing some changes there's just he seemed to be more depressed

and then that brings us to when Brian and I and my mom actually worked together so

2020 is when I graduated college and directly hit the pandemic occurred so I wasn't trying to find a job in my field I was not prepared for that yet so I just were you able to walk across the stage

“still no it was online you weren't able to walk I think so that was probably I think that was”

the same time that I graduated I didn't walk either oh well you're 20 right yes I turned 20 next month pretty close yeah so so you guys all were working together yes we were all working together at a place called the Christmas tree shops I don't know if you have that here in Maryland no but something we have similar stuff okay is it just like for holiday stuff and yeah that holiday decor it's kind of like a mix of everything but they they shut it down okay we have something similar to that

okay yeah so we all were there so it was me my mom Brian and then one day after our shifts Brian and I got off at the same time we met in the parking lot afterwards and we just stayed in the parking lot for about an hour having a conversation which was nice it was just good to catch up and talk to him but that's when I started noticing a change really after hearing his thoughts he was talking about people from our high school being at the Christmas tree

shop it's like following him and just different just different things of paranoia I don't remember the exact conversation but I just knew he was paranoid about people following him and then he started talking about my dad he's like how do you how do you really feel about that guy

and the way he was talking I thought it was a joke at first and so I was chuckling but

when he really started going into it more I realized he's oh he actually like believes it's like people these people were following him they were there I knew that they weren't there most of the people weren't even the people from high school weren't even at the Christmas place no okay no they weren't so then I for for me I did not go against his beliefs I just asked him about them like oh who was it that was there and where did you see them at like just questions like that and he answered

them as if it were actually happening and then but he he was like in good spirits he wasn't he was talking about it like it was pretty normal and then after that conversation I called my

“parents and I I mentioned to them like I I think Brian's going through something or like”

did you guys notice a change in him yeah I told him about the conversation and I said things seemed a little off but they they didn't notice and they they put it to the side like they they just didn't really see it at the time which is hard too I mean we're also busy so it was hard to

interested in psychology and just mental illnesses I I think I knew I I think I just knew from

“the start I think I also you know being his twin I just you could sense it yeah I just felt it”

so after that conversation probably not too long after that my brother called me my older brother Robert it was later at night is probably around one or two a.m. and he was he was just freaking out about my brother Brian and my dad being in a fight he was like Brian is by it trying to fight dad I don't know like what he's talking about he's just really upset and I'm not sure what to do and I'm like like what is the fight he's been about and Robert didn't really know either

but what we know now is Brian basically like it was kind of out of nowhere in the morning was just

so upset he started like yelling and screaming at my dad and calling him gay just saying is this accusing him of being gay which you know my dad I mean I don't know for sure for sure but you like as far as we know isn't like those yeah so he was just making accusations against my dad and just in screaming at him and he wouldn't he wouldn't calm down my dad was saying he was trying to get Brian to calm down but nobody could get him to and then he did start it becoming

violent which my dad told him if he doesn't pull down then he does have to call the cops so

the cops were called that night and then Brian was put in a 72 hour hold in the mental health facility I can't think back all the way to that memory I'm not sure exactly how that played out but when he got home he was on medications which he stopped taking and did they diagnose him during that hold they had diagnosed him with bipolar and I think he then one doctor was talking about it like being from COVID so that's where we were at when at that point but a big thing

is to somebody as an adult with mental illness it's hard as you probably know for them to stay on medications especially with Brian's disorder as he's not aware of it and it's it's hard for him to know that he does have a disorder so he doesn't know why he needs to be on medication so that has been our biggest our biggest hardship with with all of us is keeping him on

“medication but that's what we started to notice in the beginning is that he just did not want”

to stay on them and every time he was off the medications is when the psychosis would start happening okay and also I would say for this as I had spoken with with my mom recently she would want people to know at this point where Brian was is the point where anyone dealing with a situation like this should try to get a hip-a-release form or I don't know how like if you can at this extent but I'm not a professional or anything so I'm not sure like how it exactly works but let's

call it power of attorney yeah so as like when you have a family member that is still coherent or isn't so far gone that they can make this decision with you to let you as a family member have information

“or availability to their information that is when you should make it happen for them so so what she”

trying to say is like right away get this release form but we did not do that it was also new to us obviously like there's no manual there's nothing that tells you how to handle a situation like this it all happens so fast and just so rapidly that in during COVID it was the worst time because you couldn't go into the hospital with him at this point there was really no way to get information about Brian because he's an adult so we didn't know exactly what was going on with him but yes

when he came out of the hospital he stopped taking his medication and then he went back to psychosis what his psychosis would look like would be accusations against anyone really it was a lot

just broke our family apart right then and there because they were so they were just so bad things that were very sexual so we still don't know we don't understand why it's like I don't even know sexual psychosis where it's about being gay or like being paranoid that people are touching him or going to touch him or things along that line but I don't want to get too much into it because I want to respect everyone's privacy that was in this situation but the accusations were just

traumatizing so at first the accusations were against my dad which was hard because we as a family had a determine if what Brian is saying is true or false and we obviously didn't want to

like say that he was wrong or it didn't happen but we had never seen anything like this like

we had never seen any any of these incidents occur anything that he was saying to be true it was just so like out of the ordinary so then and then obviously this just really hurt my dad it the accusations were so brutal that my dad he just collapsed after this he was I had saw him break down because I did stand by my dad's side my mom and my other brother were very on the

“fence like that they don't that I believe what Brian is saying to be true and I I could see that”

it was a delusion so I was still on my dad's side and I heard my dad out and I was just there for him

and also my my mom and dad have never gotten along and have a long history of

not getting along so I think it was easier for my mom to believe in these accusations as well and not saying anything against her too I think it's it just that was just the dynamic of it just the dynamic yeah I mean we never really had a functional family life there was a lot of arguing in our childhood too between my mom and dad so I think it was hard for her to not believe Brian you know as her child but then we started seeing that Brian was accusing other people not just

my dad of the same things so even his best friend Brian's best friend he accused of touching him inappropriately and then we had to think is this true it was not true like it was very confusing it's to think about but then it would be accusations against even the plumber that came over to their house to work on the bathroom Brian said that the plumber was trying to look at him while he was getting dressed or anything he was just paranoid of anything like sexual happening so once we

started hearing more and more of these accusations we realized they were delusions and it wasn't just

“against my dad so I think even my mom and my other brother started realizing like oh okay”

I don't think what he's saying is true so even till this day I will say I think maybe something did happen to Brian maybe in childhood I'm not 100% sure but I don't want to like disprove him I don't want to say he's wrong for what he's going through I think maybe something did happen to him but I think his delusions take over yeah and he sees it in other people he sees things in other people that didn't actually happen I'm not sure exactly how it works but that's that's just

my own belief so yeah he thought everyone was gay and out to get him or attracted to him due to

“his grandiose thoughts so with schizophrenia effective disorder or even bipolar I think it is”

a common symptom to have grandiose beliefs so he thinks that he is like the most attractive

person in the world and which I think he's always been good looking but you know he thinks very

highly of himself in these moments no is there a difference between what is it schizophrenia or is it the same thing so schizophrenia is basically bipolar and schizophrenia as one so while Brian

a combination and I have also been just doing more research on it to know exactly how it works but I

“think it's it's common for people with his disorder to be looked up looked at as bipolar”

and separated from schizophrenia but actually schizophrenia effective disorder is the combination the combination so you wouldn't really say he's bipolar and schizophrenia he's just schizophrenia

effective got it yeah so his delusions definitely persist and until this day he's never he's never

not delusional he's always in a different reality and this is a daily thing yes this is every day even with the medication but without the medication is where we see the manic depressive episodes so two questions let me thank forgot my one because I had to at the same time I lost the one by the one was gonna be so what is your relationship like now is it hard for you guys to maintain a relationship because of this yes definitely there is another reason why

we don't have a relationship and it's more because of my own trauma but it is extremely hard to have a relationship right now with him even right now he he's not he's like not in our reality so having a conversation things just don't really make sense yeah you can't talk about like what's it about the name you're every day like yeah and it's he living with your mom he is living with my dad okay so and it's kind of is it kind of falling on your dad to like you like

make sure you're taking your medicine and yeah definitely my mom is a big part in that though where she goes almost every day to my dad's house because there are about 15 minutes away from

each other to make sure that he's taking his medication so at this point they are basically on board

with making sure he's taking it I remember my question oh yes so the with the medication I know that you said that it helps with bipolar side of things yeah now with the illusions is that is that medicine supposed to help with that as well or I know with like mental illness it's a lot of trial and error yes different medications but do you think that there is a medication that will be able to help minimize those to a degree and he just how you guys have it like found

“yet or what do you think yeah I think that's a very good question and I am not sure if they are”

supposed to minimize his delusions and I do feel like that we haven't found the exact medication

that would help but another big part of it is the weed right and that is I'm glad you came back to that so I don't think a lot of people realize how much that can either trigger or like I feel like what is the word like make it worse yeah what I mean like kind of like make all of these things worse I mean I knew somebody that I mean I think that it was something similar with that so I know who's diagnosed bipolar but he also had these kind of delusions and I think that it was

another it might have been like mushrooms or so I can't remember now so many years ago but a drug kind of triggered it all and set it off but at any time he would smoke weed or even drink it just made everything so much worse it just like was spiral at that point and didn't matter if he was on medicine it was just like that kind of counteracted it in a way right yeah I completely agreed

“to I think that well I mean also from doing research about it too we should not be a part of it”

at all that can greatly even cause the delusions from what I've read again not a professional so I don't know exactly how it all works but my dad also thinks that the weed started starting weed is why it caused the onset of his disorder too so yeah he really should not be smoking but that's another part I'll get into as well why he carries on with it it's hard too cause he's an adult so it's yes you know even with the power turny thing you know it's like all these things help to a degree

but it's like how much can you really control an adult you know when it's like you can do your best

there's only so much that we can do yeah to help him that's been our hardest thing is that

we can we can't tell him what to do we can't so with the weed because he lives with my dad and because of the violence that my dad has been through with Brian and because of how Brian is triggered by my dad I would say they don't have a good relationship but they my dad's not gonna kick him out so they he he he he he want to have any other place to go so he carries on living with my dad and my dad does what is the word enable Brian and he is aware that he is enabling him but he doesn't

know how else to go about it because if Brian doesn't have his weed or the things that he needs

like that then we will see the negative behaviors come out and you pick and choose your battle exactly so right now my dad is doing Uber eats with Brian as Brian's job and Brian can't work right now yeah where he's at but he Uber eats with my dad and whatever money he makes it ends up going to his addiction so that's where we're at today so yes my dad enables him

“but it's very sensitive because you have to live with this person and there's like no”

escape so I don't know like you said it's like picking and choosing battles we could all think about how we would do it differently but you don't know until you're in this situation so now do any of your other siblings have a relationship with him my older brother David so the half brother yes he has a relationship and he's been a big help this past year too taking Brian out and doing fun things with him and engaging with him and giving him confidence and

yeah just being there for him as a brother and helping my parents out as well just giving them a break at times just because my dad's is forever caretaker and my mom is constantly making sure that Brian is okay yeah so David and him have a relationship my other brother Robert is in alcoholic so I won't bring him up too much but we don't have a relationship but no one has a relationship with him at the moment yeah so yeah it's so that's where we're at today but then

go in back to I have one more question oh yeah so and if you don't feel comfortable answering tell me do you think that there's a chance that Brian could be questioning in sexuality

“I mean that's where some of the gay delusions come in absolutely I think you because I was like the”

first thought that I had to is like maybe within himself he's like questioning these things and does it might not even realize it but like that could be maybe something like a reason why he might be saying like this person's looking at me or that you know what I mean and why it could be try your towards men right I have also had these same thoughts too I think yes that's a big possibility Brian has not been in a relationship he's not had I don't even know if he's had a kiss

I've never seen him with a girl even in his high school days and then my other brother is gay

“so Robert so before Brian's mental before he became mentally ill I think he was more so”

common for him to make fun of being gay with my dad because my my dad he was maybe a little homophobic so I think Brian wanted to make my dad laugh and he would he would go along with that they have I've never seen him with a girl it's a possibility but there's other factors to where he so with his delusions he goes back to the girls that we went to high school with and he talks about them quite often which also makes me uncomfortable because I don't want to play

gonna like it's a possibility but I yeah sometimes I don't really know how to answer that because I

I don't really know why he stuck on the the girls from high school who are living their lives

“and I think you know it's just I think that these mental illnesses disorders even though you know”

they're researched enough where it's like okay you try these different medicines sometimes they work sometimes they don't I don't think there's like enough information on why certain things happen why things stick and I don't even know if it's something that was supposed to understand because it's like the brain you know is just so different and it's being it's wired so differently then like per se someone's brain that doesn't have this illness so it's like it might not even

they're might not even be a reason why the you know he's stuck on those girls it might just be how it is in his brain where it's like you know in some way maybe at that time like even if at one point he like had a crush on one of them I was like yeah she's pretty and then it's like

it just never went away and it's right think you know when these mental illnesses you know start

up and they continue it's like your brain is weird you know it can like in general even for somebody that doesn't have anything going on it's like our brains are so misunderstood and we don't have enough research on them that it's like in his mind it might just it might make sense to him is why he's stuck on certain people or certain things or certain delusions and it's like it's really unfortunate because it you know especially when you're living or trying to live

your own life and progress in your life it can get very draining trying to support and be there for someone whether it's a relative or a friend or you know whatever the case may be it's it's feels impossible I feel like it's times because like you said it's like how can you really maintain any type of real relationship when you can't just like call someone up and be like hey how's your day and it's just like that you know conversation that's exactly how it feels to

“it's like you keep I don't know who I am supposed to say it's the most like you have to limit it”

for yourself and your own well being because it it's hurtful for you too to like at the end of day that's your twin like that's somebody that like you have a very different connection with and it's in many ways it's heartbreaking and they feel like it's almost like at what point do you just say I can't do this today you know what I mean it's a lot no that's exactly it yeah you're exactly right it's hard it's like there's no right and wrong in it it's kind of just like what feels right for you

right that's a big thing I had to learn too is being selfish and living my own life and doing what makes me happy as well yeah I think for Brian he says the things that we all would keep to ourselves so I think we all have fantasies and imaginations and like you said behaviors probably something that he fantasized when he was in high school about maybe dating one of these girls and now they just they just come out they they're just things that he says

out loud and out too if he doesn't really met anyone else it's like what are their girls would there be for him to like focus on too right exactly yeah so yeah I think a lot of this disorder is saying things that most people would keep to themselves and maybe not being able to see the difference between the reality and I don't know fantasies the right word but I'm just

“going to use that for right now because that's the only thing I can think of and compare it to as”

my for for my own self thinking about like fantasies that I've had yeah so that's a lot of how his disorder seems to come out and in work and then also along the lines of the girls that were in high school there was another time that Brian was telling me he did have a girlfriend and it was a girl from our high school and he was yeah this like whole elaborate story about how they were dating and how he was going to go see her and so yeah this was in the

beginning of his psychosis and again that was at first it was believable it was like oh you guys

aren't then I looked at her profile and she has a whole boyfriend and that's not Brian I still I didn't did not I didn't deny it in front of Brian I didn't say like oh that's not your girlfriend but I just asked him like oh like who is who's that guy she's with and he's like oh he's

girl it got a little bit challenging because I want to protect Brian and I don't want like I

“do believe he was messaging her I when I think back to it her and I did have a conversation”

that he did send her messages and her boyfriend did see so I don't want you know this boyfriend to become an after Brian when he's not in his right mind and it's not it's not like his is bald yeah yeah so I did message her and let her know the situation and just that if he's messaging her which is pleased like you have grace and maybe just ignore it and you know I I know it's it's bothersome too and it's it can be a little strange it's probably strange for her and

I understand that as a female too like you there's a lot of creepy men okay but I'm not saying

Brian's creepy I just think like I know this girl like putting yourself in her shoes it's like great get like if she's not a family member like what's going on here but I know especially too if you a lot of people don't understand mental illness so it can be easy to be like what is

“wrong with this person you know without knowing the background and I think the best thing you can”

do is if like what you did if you are aware of you know something that he's thinking or saying just really okay just letting you know like you know that's all you really can do right yeah definitely at that point and actually forever I just want to protect him so that was that situation and nothing really happened from that the girl was very kind and she she didn't say anything to Brian I don't exactly know how he stopped thinking about her but he was able to move on he doesn't

talk about her anymore but he's still till this day we'll bring up like girls from high school

yes so and also I think it's like that want and need for a companion and never having one

which I don't think he's had like that's heartbreaking for me to know like I really want that for

“him and I think he just wants it so bad so he imagines it and then says it out loud you know yes that's”

this reality and then you know like being married and having found the love of my life I'm like I just want that's so bad for him I wish that I wish that he can have this like that's my biggest hope for him too I really hope that so is he currently seeing like a psychiatrist or of their fist or anything or he just yes so he's in outpatient okay so he has like someone monitoring him and yes now he is at a good place where he's actually going there willingly and he's doing

group therapy he has a really good psychiatrist who speaks with my mom and gives her all the information and she talks very kindly to Brian and Brian's engaged with her so yeah he's he's in a good spot right now and you know too like hopefully with the time you know and maybe if there were medications that came up that he could try like it's not to say that it wouldn't be manageable one day or something where like maybe the delusions were less or like not as intense as they

are like something where it gives him the opportunity to live I hate the word normal but like just a more like that's the only word I can think to use but just more of like a normal life or himself and like one that doesn't include all of the delusions yes you know it allows him to like hold a job and you know to find that companion chip that he deserves exactly and I think I'm the biggest thing to help with that would be to stop smoking pop yeah I mean I honestly do think

that that's a big part of his delusions that triggered so if there's like any way we can get him away from that it would be the star that's true I do I have looked up people on TikTok to the same disorder and are able to live a pretty functional life and are aware of their disorder yeah so I do wonder if he could live like that as well and I'll be honest with some of the emotions that come with all of this I mean there's so many different ones like

sadness and definitely frustration where I would sometimes I think like is there a way for him

have like no will in him to to get through what he's going through like sometimes I have anger in

“me that it makes me ask those questions just because I want things to be fixed and I I don't”

know if I'll ever know if this could actually happen but yeah I don't know if it's possible for him to see his disorder for for what it is but yeah there's definitely anger that comes along with all of this that isn't the biggest emotion that I have though the biggest emotion I have for for for him is just sadness when I see him I'm just sad yeah so and then I'm sorry I keep going no you're totally fine back words but so living with my dad Brian living with my dad and by the way

during all this I'm living with my husband so well as as his girlfriend not married yet but so living with my dad things got so intense that my dad put him in a hotel because of his

“violin behavior so while he was in the hotel this was probably the worst he was at during”

his psychosis he just was all over the place he couldn't have a we we couldn't have a conversation with him yet so many grandiose beliefs and he was making so many accusations we couldn't really talk him out of it so my dad put him up in a hotel but at the same time with

the bipolar side of it he was having suicidal ideations so that that is just always a fear

in the back of our heads too so my husband and I had taken Brian out different places one of them being traitor jose just to do some typical activities and while at traitor jose Brian saw some cops so at this point Brian had been dealing with cops for a good amount just because of all of the phone calls to the police when Brian would become violent so Brian in his psychosis state just had this trigger whenever he saw a cops and he started calling them pigs

like out loud and screaming screaming it towards them and so my husband and I

well first of all we keep so ourselves we didn't know like you're not going in screaming at

the cops now we did not like being known we just like to go places and he went to a bigger store

“yeah so when he did this Mike my husband was like telling Brian you need to stop you know”

because like the whole time before we were accommodating to him we're kind of walking on eggshells just taking it out was but when he's out of control like that Mike did step in and say you need to stop it you need to stop saying that you will be arrested and Brian then started going off on Mike to cursing at him and calling him different names like he was accusing Mike of different things to accusing Mike of being gay so and I laughed just because like I can laugh now but

in the time it was it was not funny it was just like pretty crazy pretty insane Brian said that he was going to go walk off and walk home and I had to step in and say like you were not going anywhere we got him back in the car I had to I many times had to be the one to talk Brian down because Brian did see me as the person he wanted to talk to through through most of this and Brian didn't really like while in his cycles he didn't know who we were

he would think of us I don't even know as different characters but he definitely didn't see my parents as his parents he like he would even call my mom grandma which it was like kind of funny but I guess he really thought I don't even know that maybe that's who she was and he thought of me as an angel is how he would say at that time and so when I would talk to him he would usually calm down but yeah that was one of our greatest moments with him and but it's just it's just showing

that he was kind of coming at everybody you know it just innocent bystanders at this point

like me it's it's just very hard to be around somebody when they're like that it's hard to want to have a relationship because I don't want to go into public and you don't know you put in the situation yeah I don't want to be in that situation and it's like you know to what level do you sacrifice your own mental health and things that feel good to you right because walking on egg shells is it's just a lot of anxiety and holding your breath in and kind of waiting for the moment

to be over and that's every time I had been with Brian because especially in the beginning there were

always outbursts so that would even look like singing or screaming in like the mall or wherever we

“would go and then everybody looking at us so that's how it looked in the beginning so he was in and”

out of the mental facility and when he was in there he would not allow my mom or dad to contact him he wouldn't say anything to them because again he didn't think that they were his parents and he just was triggered by them but he would allow me to call or he would call me while he was in there and some days he would call while I was at work and I would have to take time to talk to him and and it was just heartbreaking because he would call asking when he's gonna be able to come home and

there's no answer that I have for him just whenever he gets better really whenever he is able to recognize the things I have happened so it definitely made my mental health deplete and I

“could feel it it was weighing heavy because it was just so sad it was just the saddest thing ever to”

hear somebody that you have say like when when do I get to come home so yeah when when he would come home things were okay for a bit but because he was medicated but then he stopped taking his medication and then enter psychosis again so it was just a continuous cycle and two probably when he was staying at these places he didn't have access to weed and stuff right yeah so he started to look better and we with things things are getting to be good again and then

it would just it would always go back to not good and then also for Brian psychosis he

started to believe that he was like a famous rock singer and there is a specific one that he would call himself I'm trying to think of the name. Jeff Buckley yeah for some reason it's Jeff Buckley I

“don't know if you know him but he was this rock star I think maybe in the 60s or 70s and Brian”

is just really into but before all this began like in high school days we didn't know about Jeff Buckley like there was this is just very random but yeah now it's everywhere that's all that Brian can talk about is Jeff Buckley and so he there are things that he's Jeff Buckley Jeff Buckley is his dad

he knows Jeff Buckley or I don't know yeah or he's just always talking about Jeff Buckley like

sometimes he knows that Jeff Buckley is now deceased and not in his life but sometimes Jeff Buckley is in his life and he sings like the hen yeah I don't know it's it's kind of hard to explain but so yeah he also thinks that I'm not his sister and then that's where I'll jump into the trauma that I have with him so when Brian came back from the hospital my mom and I had invited him over to her house so he could talk about what what was going on and like anything that he wanted

to say like from the hospital just let him vent really so so we were all at my mom's house and then my mom had to go to work or somewhere and I told Brian that I would stay with him and talk to him for a little bit longer because I didn't want to leave him alone but I did have this eerie feeling right away like I knew Brian wasn't in his right mind still he was still saying things I just didn't make sense so when my mom left I instantly felt uncomfortable with Brian so Brian was sitting on

one couch and I was sitting on the other and then he was just staring at me and then he leaped over to

whole body just left or my whole soul just like left my body like what is going on so I quickly

“got up and I ran to the bathroom and I locked myself in there I didn't know what he was thinking”

like what this was what this meant but I just knew it was totally wrong and like I needed to get out of there so I called my husband and I had a panic attack and I had him come pick me up and I Brian came up to the bathroom door and was asking like what's wrong with did I do and I I didn't even know what to tell him I was like I'll be one minute I just have to use the bathroom and once he got there I was like okay I'm I'm gonna go to now and I just like spread it out the door

and I felt a bit guilty because he he looked like he really didn't know like what he did wrong

and I just had never seen him like that before and I didn't know like what he's capable of

“during psychosis so I just knew I had to go and well here's the thing you know family or not”

when you have a gut feeling you got to trust it and I can't think of any situation where someone leaping at you is a safe thing you know what I mean so it's like you had a feeling you trusted it who knows what was going through his head but you know even at points of you said like he doesn't always know or think you're his sister you don't you don't you don't know anyone you know your own safety and comfort and you did what you had to do you know so it's like yeah of course

being like a sympathetic nice person and that being your brother and knowing he's not in his right mind you're gonna feel guilt to some degree but like you did the right thing for yourself right definitely I agree also because he did expose himself to my mom I don't know if it was like the same day or a couple days prior so that was just him pulling that his pants in front of her for no reason and my mom was extremely uncomfortable and so these situations occurred not too long

after another and we knew it was time to go back to Barnabas's the mental health facility that he would go back and forth to and it is interesting how a lot of the delusions are like this hyper sexual stuff yeah we talk about that and we don't know why at all this was in anything that he was prior to his illness and I'm sure it just depends on like the person and what they what their delusions are like if you said I think for some people it might just

be like the constant worry that someone's following them are like yeah and that sense it's like it probably just very so much it does it's definitely on a spectrum but so after that situation I had to be the one to call Barnabas and have him go back and that looks like the police coming and also the social worker coming to to take him really and since your mom has power of

“attorney that's why you guys are able to make that choice for him basically right is that how we're”

so we don't at this point we didn't have power of it right yet but no you can call like if if you are

in a mental health crisis you can call we call it a hotline at first and then they directed us to

Barnabas and if it's a situation like ours to where he's also been back and forth to Barnabas they will come and put him in 72 hour hold so he didn't need power of attorney for that and I hope I'm explaining it exactly correct the cops would come and evaluate Brian with the social worker to determine if he needed to go to mental health facility so yeah and then me having to make that call was extremely difficult it was so hard and heartbreaking because I would see him I would see him

being taken and ask him why why do I have to go it's like one of the worst things you can ever imagine having to do to your family member so anyone who's been through that I completely understand also so while in the 72 hour hold it's hard to get long-term care because he would have to sign off for it and he would have to be the one to say that he's wanting to have that care but he wasn't at the point

in this cycle of him not wanting to be looked at longer and get the proper health that he needed temporary it was temporary yes another thing Brian's best friend noticed that things we like he had not talked to Brian and so long so he ended up messaging me to see what's going on with Brian so I had been in contact with him for a bit so it just it just shows to like people from his life previously also did reach out to see what's going on with him the Brian with that friend is

somebody who Brian accused of touching him so and I never told his friend that I didn't want him

“to know that that's how Brian sees him now but Brian doesn't have friends now BG doesn't go how to”

hang out with anybody I don't I don't think he would be able to without having delusions so but it was also nice to see that his friends do care so much about him and we're willing to have Brian a part of their lives even with the state that he's in and then we go into our next situation where Brian appeared to be okay for a bit and he my dad got him the new car so my dad is an enabler he but I think he just he's just does whatever he thinks is best in the moment

and he's doing the best he can he's doing what he thinks is right and he he's just trying to you know he's handling the situation the best he can so Brian was driving one day and we didn't realize he was in psychosis at this point and he didn't believe he had to stop at a red light so he went right through it a cop pulled him over and Brian starts walking away from the cop so Brian gets arrested while in jail he became aggressive with a cop I don't know exactly

what happened but the cop did hit him in the head or he I don't know if he'd Brian like fell in hit his head it's hard to know exactly what happened but he was he cracked his head open while there and how to get stitches and then Brian ended up having to stay in jail for about two weeks

“and during that time I again was the only one Brian was contacting until I think he stopped contacting”

me and instead his cellmate I think he was his cellmate or someone he was in jail with started calling me and introduced himself but also said that he's in jail with Brian and he could see that there's something wrong with Brian and he just wanted to inform me that

he was going to look out for Brian which that was like that was just incredible and really

happy that that guy did that I mean as you can imagine no but nobody's going to be looking out for Brian really so so I stayed in contact with this guy over the two weeks and just to keep tabs on Brian and see how he's he was doing but Brian tells us now how bad it was in jail but it's hard to distinguish what things happened to him and what didn't but he's extremely upset with the police and yeah so as for as for me how I experienced that time it was just so sad

to be getting calls from that this random person to tell me how my brother was doing and also a little creepy because he didn't want to just talk about Brian he talked about like other things and then wanted to get more personal so I had his stop talking to that guy but yeah Brian ended up coming out of jail and when he did he showed me his his head and it was all stitched up and it was just it was saddest thing to see because it was it was it was a pretty big it was a pretty big

gash yeah so for me that was one of the saddest times because we couldn't be there to protect him

“and it's one of the things that I think could be better worked on and I totally commend police”

officers I suspect what they do and I think they're amazing I just think that there could be

better training on mental health I think to key that was like my first thought as well is like

this situation it's like okay like he you know wasn't he treated like a normal citizen would like

he gets consequences but it's like there should be something where it's like okay there's a mental illness thing involved in this let's transfer him somewhere where he can get help in the two weeks versus just like stuck in this place that it's going to probably cause more damage than anything else right exactly I don't I don't know how that works yeah I don't know how like they kept him there

“for that long but it was just more recent or was this this was in I think 2022 okay so someone”

being in jail that is mentally ill it's just it's sad and I hope that there could be better training on how to deal with somebody with mental illness because he of course was not in his right mind and it's not fair that he got hurt I mean it's so sad to me that he his his poor little head was hit and we couldn't protect him yeah I just think there should be better training to know like how to spot somebody who is not mentally well and maybe separate them like he said should not happen

in every two weeks yeah so after he got out of jail it's a lot on my dad because he had to pay for Brian's lawyers and also to get his records expunged after that which he did so I think he has

“like a clean slate now but it was a long process after that and then also I believe after that”

situation is when I really watched my parents and both shut down my my dad was just a complete wreck from all the accusations so he kind of at one point wanted to not handle things anymore he just I think he just needed a break and then my mom my mom is like the strongest woman I've ever known she can handle anything but I saw her break down as well where she just I I think she was like

in bed all day and I saw part of depression for her that I've never seen before and so at this point

my other brother is also in Florida so I felt pretty alone I felt like I had to be the one to stay strong and hold it together hold it together handle the situation so I joined a sort of a support group called Nami and Nami handles people dealing with mental illness so even if you are somebody with that is mentally ill you could also join the support group but I joined the one about families

“dealing with mentally ill family members and I think that's a great resource to to join for”

anybody going through the same thing too I joined a couple of their sessions and I got to hear other people's experiences which was pretty similar to mine I do think I was the youngest one on there and the only one dealing with a sibling the other ones were older people with children with mental illness but at the same time we could all relate there was one session though where there was a girl my age on there and she was dealing with her mom having mental illness and she broke down

and then I just started breaking down too because it was a zoom call and you could see how each person was each person's emotions on there so you know when she's breaking down I started breaking down and because you can relate to the feeling right yes that's exactly what happened and like I don't typically cry in front of other people but that one got me I was just when I think that shows to how important support groups can be yeah because I feel like for a lot of people they might be hesitant

to join things and be like you know people have similar thoughts like I don't need it that much

or like they might think these people won't really understand like their first stories aren't

exactly the same right but it does go to show that it can be a good feeling to just feel heard and understood even if your you know experiences little different you guys share those similar emotions and frustrations and confusions even yeah and I feel like it's it can really make you feel like you're not so alone in a situation no exactly it did feel like that for a bit and then I had my parents join too which they were reluctant to do it first you know but they

because at least at the time this happened for us there wasn't much out there that helped

with our situation that told us like how to handle this and even like TikTok now is something that

“I will go to to look at other people's stories it's more personal because I think that when you google”

something or when you look something up it's so general like in everyone's situation is so different yeah so it's like to be able to go to multiple different resources and kind of pick and choose like okay maybe this could work or maybe this is something that we can relate more to in our situation I think that that makes it look like very helpful yes exactly yeah so you know with support groups you also get resources which is a great thing one of the resources was a family

care giver alliance that helps with care planning so that's something that my dad and I did together we went to one meeting because during this time I think I was I was just I was starting to live my own life and I think that's when I started my my job as a behavioral therapist so I had a lot of things going on and I couldn't be there all the time but I wanted to push my

“dad in the right direction so he could live with Brian I think he's like the most important”

we have to an important person we have to figure out how to accommodate so I went with him there and it seems pretty positive it seemed like something that was going to help the only thing is my dad didn't follow through with it and that's something that is frustrating for me I don't like you can't help somebody who doesn't want the help and I don't think he he he he he one my dad wants to vent but he doesn't want to take the help if that makes

him yeah so yeah my dad also doesn't go to therapy or really do much to help his own mental state so while these were both great resources it just didn't work out for my parents and as for me I stopped going to the support group for for my own situation I was becoming more depressed

talking about it like it's always great to let it out but I am I have realized I'm better at doing

that with like my husband or somebody close to me then I am sharing it even sometimes sometimes sharing something over and over again it is like eating at that horse you know it's kind of like every time you bring it up you're bringing back up all of those emotions yeah which keeps you stuck in the emotions that's exactly what it was like it was like I just have to keep bringing back that I don't want to try to forget this even with therapy I did do therapy

for I just on and off throughout this time and as everyone knows it's like it's hard to find a good therapist that you want to stick with so and then like you're saying each each time I had to explain and re-explain the situation so for me it just it didn't work out but I strongly do and advise to do therapy at the same time but I am also like pretty pretty good with like experiencing my emotions and let it myself feel what needs to be felt plus I also have a good

support system so yeah I I feel like processing it has been good for the most part

“while I was kind of keeping it together for everybody I I did start to fall apart and that's why”

I I joined therapy but my my own mental health is depleting so my other brother came back from Florida and let my parents know that like I can't be the only one handsling all of this so they they both once they heard that they were like oh my gosh yeah we we need to get it together so they both worked together which is extremely difficult for them they are two very different people but they did work together and just having communication and getting Brian back to where

he needed to be which really involved the medication just staying on top of the medication that was

that's the most important thing after they were able to work together then my Brian ended up with

but now it's schizophrenia affective disorder and then when did they diagnose him with that?

if see they're 2021 or 2022 okay yeah I want to go see and during it must have been 2021 because that's when my husband and I will then boyfriend we moved to Pennsylvania and for me that was also a chance to get away from everything and just focus on myself so but with that I also realized how much this did this did take a toll on me I was not my best self at that point I was not a ray of sunshine so

living with my husband I was I was not always the nicest I was just in and out of depression and I

struggled to even find a job in PA too because I just didn't have that motivation I

“I think a lot of it came from the trauma endured I also realized I wasn't telling at this point”

I wasn't telling my friends or close close friends about the situation I even so one of the day at one point my my best friend came into town she lives in North Carolina and she wanted to hang out in say hi to us I'm actually going back to when we worked at the Christmas tree because

I just thought of this but she she asked to hang out and I I told her oh no I'm go to sleep

or something like I'm I'm not feeling good and then she ended up going to the Christmas tree where my mom was working and she she told my mom like oh I hope Kelly's feeling better and my mom was like oh Kelly's fine she's not she's not she's not she's not sick and so my best friend was like oh

“like that's like because I don't I don't lie because I'm really bad at it but that's like the”

one time I did and of course I got caught right away and so she it caused a fight between her I want to say fight I like an argument between her and I and I didn't realize at that point I was like the most oppressed I was and I just didn't want to do anything or see anybody or talk to anybody because I didn't want any questions being asked I didn't want to have to let it all out so I just avoided people including her and now I see that I could have just told her like what was going on and she

would have been 100% on board with it and supportive but it's like it's really weird too and being younger I just didn't think I should put that burden on anybody else or what I was going through

“and didn't want people to feel bad for me but also with the stigma around it I just I didn't think”

it was good to talk about I thought it was just something too personal something that should stay in the family but now I see completely different where it's it's something that should be talked about and more people should have awareness of mental illness because it's so preppy and people are dealing with it everywhere I just happened to be the one in my in my little bubble I guess you could say that is going through it like my friends don't have a relative in the same situation like people

I know close to me aren't in the same exact situation but I know so many people know what I'm talking about what I'm going through so that's like big reason why I thought it's good to share on your platform too absolutely. While in PA my husband got an opportunity to move with his job and we could have moved to North Carolina Virginia different places along the East Coast and one of them being back to Jersey and I chose to go back to Jersey you know I pushed for that because

I wanted to help with my family I didn't want to leave them and with everything going on so we moved back to Jersey and that's one thing I will say too is that I've learned to definitely do things for yourself and not make these big decisions based on other people because now I see that like I would definitely not want to be in New Jersey if I had a choice we would love to live in

is like wild but at the moment I did because of Brian's situation so absolutely not blaming him I'm just saying that's that's where I was at I just felt like I couldn't do anything because of what was going on so now we're all back in Jersey and where we are at today so recently my parents

“got Brian to sign the I think it's a hip-a-release form to have access to his information so we're at a”

good point where we can at least help him in that sense and he is stable to where he does have

delusions always so he's not in our reality but he doesn't have as many like manic episodes he still does

have depression and suicidal ideations but we have learned how to deal with those and a big thing is that I would say for everybody to know when dealing with somebody going through delusions to not go against it not to try to disprove what they're saying but rather acknowledge it and try to move on to the next thing like like Brian saying that he's definitely like okay like how I usually go about is I just am okay cool like so have you seen a good movie lately

like so you're you're not you're not necessarily saying that it's the truth but you're not fighting

“it because that's his reality so I think to him it's like saying the sky is green”

and obviously it's blue you don't want to I mean his his reality is that the sky is green

and not blue yeah and so yeah that's basically how we are managing it now which for me has been

fine to deal with because I'm out of distance I'm about an hour away from Brian so I don't see him that much I don't have a whole relationship with him my dad is the one that lives with him so I'll go into the effects of how it has been for my dad so yeah my dad is definitely dealt with this the heaviest especially being his caregiver now my dad to has mental health issues that are not addressed but we could see he's going through

“and that that's significantly showed for the past year where he decided not to have”

a relationship with me so for the past year he had not talked to me and he made that decision

which I know now due to a situation prior which was for the longest time when all this started happening I was like his therapist because he doesn't go to actual therapy and I would just listen to him vent and be the person to support him but that definitely took a toll on me and one day when I was living my own life and I was having opportunities and I wanted to share those with him and I was I wanted to tell him about like new job a new job that I had or a new client that I was seeing

just things that were happening in my personal life I went to call him and he right away started talking about Brian and I had realized I don't have a relationship with him it's more of like a therapist really so I I just had a conversation that I don't want to I don't want to be at therapist I want to be your daughter but I I want to have a relationship in talk and be able to see who and talk about other things but I just can't be the one that you talk to like this all the

time and I did suggest therapy for him so after that conversation is when he decided he didn't want to have a relationship with me anymore he took my conversation as that I was that he was a bird and I was asked about the story also the school flashback actually at some point and then I hope that this is true. Paul, no, garney, because the story is so my safe space. Hmm, do you want to tell me that all of a sudden? Yeah, exactly because the story is so the story is the story that I just

understand. Egalobstudium, job or unzug. Cras, really, I don't know how you're doing. Steuernally did. Save. With Viso Steuern.

is how he explains it but the way he went about it was very difficult because he did not

“explain that to me at first so at first it just looked like not talking to me at all not giving me”

a reason so months would go by and I want to hear from him even when I tried to reach out to him I wouldn't get he wouldn't pick up the phone or I wouldn't get a text back and I just thought he needed some time so after a couple months go by and reach out to him and he told me that he forgot what he said first but at one point when I called him I was I was just asking him why he had not been talking to me or why he doesn't want me in his life and he just says I don't want

a relationship with you right now and then during that conversation I realized that I was fighting

“for somebody who wasn't fighting for me too so I had to come to terms with that and that was like”

the biggest heartbreak of my life so far because I never and I'm million years what I thought he

would have not wanted to have a relationship with me because growing up we were so close so my heart just shattered after that and I didn't think that yeah I just didn't think that he could ever do that to me so I had to imagine a world without him I had to realize he didn't want to be in my life so during the time that we did not talk I started my mind started to wander I thought like there had to be a better explanation for why he can't have a relationship with me I mean

all I did was telling that I didn't want to be his therapist so I started thinking maybe there is truth to behind what Brian's delusions are maybe like something did actually happen

“maybe that's why he's triggered so much by my dad but I didn't want my mind to wander there so”

I started just repressing it and well so pressing it and just putting it in the back of my mind so for about a whole year I didn't have a relationship with my dad and then my wedding was about to happen just this past March and I started thinking about him not walking me down the aisle and that just crushed me so much I thought like for the longest time I thought like okay I'm I'm right like I can have early I don't need a relationship with him it's fine but when it came

down to the wedding I was like there has to be like this can't keep happening this has to be figured out so I reached out to my dad and asked him like if we can just get together and talk about all this which he agreed to and that's when he told me the reason why he stopped talking to me was because of that conversation he just he thinks he's a bird in my life which he still

does think he is but we at least have a relationship with now it's never going to be the same

but we just have boundaries now where if he's going through a rough time with Brian he won't call me but if things are okay he will call me so that's that's kind of where we are right now and then the effects on my mom's mental health is she she doesn't talk about it as much too she's she's also not want to always show her emotions but she just keeps it moving she I can see that she's sad in ways because she already lost one son so it does feel like Brian is another loss

because it is like dealing with a death we had to say goodbye to his past self and learn his new self but she's actually thriving at the moment she's on a pickleball team and she's yeah she's doing well she has like so many friends that she hangs out with in her retirement community so she's doing good she checks up on Brian each day just to make sure that he's taking his doses

and she explains to me that she will never let him go backwards she just wants to see him move forward

at the same time it is always a conversation about Brian so whatever phone call we have is something to do with Brian too she does you know talk about other things but it always goes back to Brian and then the effects on me is a lot of anxiety and depression especially when this

first started to happen I had dreams of saving Brian every single night it would always be a

dream about Brian and me having to protect him or save him and a lot of times he would end up being like a baby in the dream or my little brother but yeah I always had to save him and

“I think it just goes to show that's how I feel in reality too I just want to make things better”

and protect him but at the same time I know I can't fix and I can't fix this and you can't stop your own life yeah right I think your mom is a good example of that it's like she is thriving

and she's yet living her life but she still does what she has to do as a mom and like check in on

him every day and you know that's all you can only do as much as you can do yes exactly and that's what I'm learning now definitely at the beginning it was hard to let that go so I don't have much of a relationship right now with Brian I see him on occasions like Christmas and holiday holidays but it's hard to have a relationship because of the trauma I endured from our previous incident

“because I don't know how Brian sees me I still don't I don't know exactly if he realizes I'm his”

sister so you guys don't even really have phone conversations no he also does not answer text or calls so he doesn't reach out or anything at this point he's at I don't even know how to explain it where he doesn't he doesn't really know how to come come verse with people I can see where he's his thoughts are very unorganized he doesn't know how to he doesn't really like know how to talk to people so even for holidays that we all get together that's that's when we see Brian like Christmas

looks like we get gifts for Brian which I love I love gift giving so I love giving him gifts and

anyone else but we will never receive a gift and we accept that and that's you know we're not

trying to get gifts here from him but it just looks like him receiving but not getting back so it is also one way relationship that I would have to be pursuing and I'm at a point right now where I am not interested I just want to focus on my own life like you were saying to because I'm extremely happy with my separate life there's just a lot of big things going on for for my husband and I and it's just been hard to do that without feeling guilt

too because I feel like I should be trying harder for a relationship with him and trying to make him happy and do things for him but it's just it's just not possible right now with all that's going on in my own life so so I see him when I can and the times that we do like at holidays

“is also uncomfortable because he will he sings his favorite thing is singing and I think that's how”

he lets it all out and he how he copes with things but he will sing all day like and that's not an exaggeration literally all day like but to the top of his lungs where it's it is bothersome I mean I don't think anyone wants to hear that all day you know but we don't really know how to tell him not to so when he comes over a lot of times we host gatherings at our house for holidays and when he does come over and starts to sing we do have to tell him to stop because

we don't want to upset neighbors and that has definitely been a situation like at my dad's house just this past week he was singing to the top of his lungs I guess and the neighbor called the cops on him but because the cops have been there so many times they have updated my neighbors

still called the cops on him but as a noise complaint and I don't want that happening at our house

too so it's just uncomfortable when we get together because we have to always deal with yeah and you

only have like anxious feelings yeah that's just gonna be something that adds to it yes and there's nothing I think that's another good reason of you sharing your story not only for you know your personal experience but to show people that you know it's normal to feel guilty but it's okay to let that go right yes and to be up upfront with those feelings too like it's okay that we're not always feeling happy when he's around or like that we do have these feelings of like sadness but also anger

“and frustration like why why do you have to sing like all the time or reinvited our friends over”

for the first time including our my side of the family and and that included Brian because we always

want to try to include him but when he's there he is singing in front of everybody or he's saying he's talking to himself or having conversations that don't make sense so it just makes it hard it just makes it hard and we have to explain to people what's going on it's just such a conflicting thing because you want to be like it doesn't matter what people think but at the same time when you are somebody with social anxiety and just like I'm just super aware of everybody and how they're

feeling I don't want to make other people uncomfortable so it's it's just hard to have him there yes but I love him and I want to see him happy and want him to enjoy himself right now I think we're just trying to figure out a balance that we can all that can accommodate all of us including him yes definitely so I hope to have a relationship when we can figure that oh oh I also should say that like along the way I was diagnosed with panic disorder generalized anxiety disorder in OCD so that

tells me why all those things were happening for my childhood and and also to probably why you were feeling some of the ways that you were feeling and they kind of throughout his diagnosis as well yes definitely when I was in my support group another lady was telling me that she's also highly anxious and while going through her own mental health and dealing with her family member it's been extremely difficult it's like it's almost impossible at times to manage both

so as of now for me I am also medicated so I really medication does help for a lot of people that was definitely the root for me it's where it's where I'm able to even come here and talk about

“all of this you should be very proud of yourself thanks a lot of strength and vulnerability to be”

able to do that it's not easy yeah it was just definitely a lot but I think that it's it's good to be able to get everything out in one place and to be able to start kind of from your beginning and to where you are now I think in a way it's very therapeutic to be able to do that without having to be like an alliance and like a therapy set it allows you to do it in whatever way makes the move sense for you right you know to like just express it yeah that's that's how I feel like

expressing it it does actually feel good to open up about it just spread the awareness too right and I think it goes to sure too it's it's not a topic that you even like you said like none of us are professionals even the people that are going through it but it allows people to kind of understand different perspectives and be able to relate to just different things that you felt and experienced and at the end of the day I feel like through these similar experiences and similar

emotions that's kind of what helps us understand things a little bit better and then you know

ultimately I feel like to a degree leads to more research being done and the better understanding

and figuring out a balance for ourselves and our families and you know the person that we know that's going through these you know disorders or illnesses as well exactly yes and it can be a very taboo subject for people you know people don't you know whether it's the older generation who just

“doesn't get it or if people don't know how to talk about it yeah and uncomfortable I think that's what”

makes even more important to discuss it for sure right and you'll actually find that people are

nobody's judging the situation they're just empathetic at least people I've told and I realize now

there's there's no reason to feel ashamed or guilt about it this this is just what's what's happening it's just the cards we were dealt with and anyone could have been dealt these cards I mean this happened to Brian who was a it was like least likely to have this diagnosis where he was playing all these sports he was Mr. Cool in high school he was he didn't seem to have any anxiety or fears but it happened to him and what I would want to spread awareness for is that

somebody with a disorder like Brian's it doesn't make them a monster it doesn't make them

“less of a person it's something that he struggles with and I think people could look at”

somebody like Brian as somebody who's struggling rather than someone to be fearful of I did want to

I think I did think of a scenario that might happen to people where they would be fearful of somebody somebody with Brian's disorder like maybe even taken an Uber and if your Uber driver is talking to himself you might you might be scared you might be thinking like oh my god he's gonna kill me and I don't blame anyone for thinking like that too I would be I would probably be thinking

the same thing because of how media portrays somebody with schizophrenia or schizophrenia but I I would hope people could refer back to this video if they see it and think like that somebody's brother or son or his family member and that they're struggling and just have more empathy because I know it's it's kind of like easy to judge and poke fun at that but that person is definitely struggling and yeah I just hope that people can have more empathy absolutely

I work now as a behavioral therapist for kids with autism and so I specialize in ABA and I connect that to Brian's disorder so this is just my way of thinking about it and making sense of everything because I do see some connections with the behaviors of my kids that I work with and

“Brian just the different ways to talk to them and I think both importantly is to just stay calm”

and treat each person the treat anyone as you would want to be treated and as a person I care and compassion yes definitely I think like even my kids will say random things and things that just don't make sense like even my my one client she she thinks the sound of AM is hilarious so if you say it's 3 AM she will start cracking up Brian is similar to this where he just starts bursting out laughing or he just cackling in the corner and I think instead of

being like oh my gosh what does he do and like why is he just why is he just sitting there cracking up to himself he can just join join in and say like oh like let's open you over here what are we

“laughing about you know I think yeah just treating treating somebody with a mental illness or disorder”

as a person and giving them the empathy that they deserve yeah and being patient too yes you know yeah that's a big one patience is definitely taught yes you actually want to cheer family but I think that it's obviously so you know apparent how much you care and at the end of the day we're all human you're just a human trying to you know live your own life as well and enjoy it you know when you deserve to enjoy your own life separately from your family and from any issues that are going on

and you know nothing against your dad your mom or anyone but it's not always fair to

carry a burden of having to hear you know something that is sad you know and it is sad the situation with your brother and it's hard and to have to hear that often can be something that drags you down and that's not they are fault they probably don't realize it either but it is something where sometimes you have to to draw those lines and create those boundaries for

that someone's calling and just can't do it with a big today I need this day for myself you know

“and that's okay too because you deserve to live your own life you know you can have a life of”

balance where you show care and patience and empathy and emotion and you help people but you

also have to help yourself where it's deserved so and I think that you are starting to find that

for yourself you're having already kind of found that and I think by sharing it it's such a big

“step it seems for you and you should be so proud of yourself you did a really really amazing job”

of executing I feel like everyone's you know journey throughout this diagnosis and even like before during and after and kind of where you guys are now and like I said really you should be proud

“of yourself for that you did amazing I think of course of course if you think you got everything”

was there anything else you wanted to include oh oh my gosh I think I think were good all right you did it you did a really really good job seriously and thank you so much for coming out here seriously the both of you it means a lot to me and there's so many people that can you know relate to this in so many different ways so thank you for having me.