How to be a working parent? Lower your standards

Hi there, I'm Mariel.

I'll be onboarding you today.

Welcome to your unofficial orientation to working parenthood. Now, lucky for you, I'm not going to send you down to the front office to get your ID photo taken, and you don't have to get a laptop set up with IT. But if you open your welcome packet, you'll see that you have your work cut out for you. Coming from worker to parent to working parent is no small task, especially if you're

making the transition soon after your baby is born, as a lot of us in the US do. What people are doing is they're learning two new roles really fast under a lot of pressure with lack of sleep and zero guidance and zero support, and it doesn't have to be that way. It's a ridiculous way to do things.

Amy Beacon is the founder and CEO of the Center for Parental Leave Leadership.

It's a consulting firm that helps employers and working parents navigate parental leave.

And she says there are things you can do to set yourself up for success here, for instance, before you even go on parental leave.

“I often say the best way to prepare for leave is to plan your return.”

You know when you're supposed to report back, so come up with a plan, even if it has to change later. Start to put in mind, where do you want to be? What is your schedule look like for you? So everyone is thinking about that reentry even before you go.

One tip here, you can ask for a brief check-in from your employer before you come back. That way you're not totally in the dark. Rather than I haven't talked to anybody in three months, I don't know what's going on at work, and I am this person who is just barely beginning to lift my head up. Now if you are about to return to work or you're already back, don't worry, you're still

in the right conference room. There are things you can do to help yourself at this moment. And this episode is worth your time, because even though this is a really big deal in the life of a person who's returning to work after having a baby, not many employers in America offer tools or training to help.

“On this episode of LifeKit, how to be a worker, a parent, and a person, all at once.”

Kit reporter and working parent Andy Tagle talks with experts about mom guilt, dad brain, and how we can step into this new, expanded identity. Amy says you don't have to choose just one hat or the other parent or employee. When done well and supported well, they can really enhance each other. You know, if you can raise a child, you can build a company.

And we've spent so much time separating these two and saying we don't talk about that. That's personal. It's just wrong, and it's overdue for a change. That's coming up after the break. Okay team, gather up.

Thanks again for joining this session of "The New Working You" - did everyone grab some coffee? A snack? Great.

Our first order of business, time keeping best practices.

Now, I hear you're all looking to work the 50/50 work-life balance shift. Is that right? Well, I don't know, we'll take it up with management. Take away one. Find how work can work better for you.

Your workplace will often only be as flexible as you ask them to be. When Amy got pregnant, she was teaching about work-life balance. She was a doctoral student, studying organizational psychology at Columbia University. So, she thought if anyone would be well equipped for the transition from worker to working parent, it would be her.

Then, she had an unplancy section, and trouble breastfeeding, and postpartum depression that turned into postpartum psychosis. At three weeks postpartum, when she had originally planned to return to work, she found herself unable to even lift her child. But alone imagine going back to work.

I just was like, "How can we be overlooking this? What is happening here?" There's no language, there's no structure, there's no procedure, like what have we done? How have we missed this? Now, she works to close that gap for other new parents.

“So if you're listening to this, because you have to go back to work on Monday, and you”

are absolutely dreading it, she gets it. And she says, totally understandable, but there's something that people often miss about the dynamic of coming back from paid leave, especially. They don't want you to leave, they don't want to miss your contribution to the organization. If you're a salary worker, they want you back, they want you happy, they want you engaged

She says, too often, returning parents just assume their jobs don't have any flexibility.

And so they don't ask, just because it's never been done or you don't think it can

be done, don't let that stop you. Think about your ideal return, the first day, week, month.

“What kind of planning could help you breathe just a little easier on that first day back?”

One simple idea I thought was genius, plan to return on a Wednesday or a Thursday, or your mid-work week equivalent. For office workers, at least, those first few days back can often be bogged down by catching up, admin, troubleshooting, so that gives you time to quietly warm up, clear your inbox, and then come back full swing the following one day.

One parent wanted to come back twice a week, for three weeks, and then three days a week, for two weeks, and then four days a week, for three more weeks, and then full time. She phased her way back in because that was the transition she needed. Another idea on that front, if you can swing it, starting childcare a few days or even a week early, even if just for a few hours, so that you don't have to deal with a shock

of both going back to work, and passing off your precious little one at the same time. Or maybe just a small time shift would make a world of difference.

“Amy told me about one mom she worked with who nervously asked her boss to enter a day”

at 5 and instead at 530 because it could save her over an hour in commute traffic. Her boss agreed to the change, but didn't just stop there, but company had an open floor plan. At 5 o'clock, he stood up, called over to this new mom, and said, "Time to go, and walk out with her."

What that said to the whole team was, "Sallians at 5, I end at 5 with her. He was actively creating a culture of support for new parents." All this to say, "There are a lot of ways to stretch and shift a work schedule if you can get a little creative."

I know it's not always that easy to make a change.

But in case you have any doubt, it is in an employer's best interest to work with you. Studies show, family-friendly business practices pay off as much for workplaces as they do for working parents. Alright, next step, let's learn about your new workstation. I'm sure you've heard her on the water cooler, the internal working parent operating system

is a tad more complicated than your old program. Take away two, warning, doing identities can cause internal system overload. There's no right way to feel about your return, so be easy on yourself as you reboot. So, your routine is abandoned. Your sleep is, let's just not talk about it.

You've got 500 new worries on your brain at any given moment. Your body might be aching, leaking, and stretching in lots of funny ways. And also, you experience new heights and depths of joy every single day. Your life feels infinitely more purposeful. In parenting there's so much more than one thing can be true at the same time.

This is a relationship coach and dad of two Aaron Steinberg. You might recognize him from our episode on how to baby proof your romantic relationship. If not, please do add that one to your cue right after this. He says, one of the hardest parts about this time is learning to reconcile the person you are now and that person that took your employee badge photo.

All the sudden there's this exploded new identity which is so vast and so different.

“I think that anything that we've had before and so already were like a little mushy.”

Yeah, we've become like a multi-exposed photo where we're not really sure who we are anymore. Of course, you're not the same person that lasts clocked out. But also, you still kind of want to be, well, simultaneously doing nothing else but watching that kid grow.

Honestly, for me, that first day back was so confusing.

I just all out sobbed until my first morning meeting. You don't feel like you're doing a good job parenting and you also don't feel like you're doing a good job at your job. And so you just feel like you're kind of failing all around. And like half a good job at each does not equal one. It's like you got smaller, you know?

Another common first day sentiment relief. Yeah, only you might have taken a break from paid employment. But parenting full time is work. Let no one say otherwise. And for many parenting is just way more over-simulating and way more difficult than our job.

Your freedom is very limited about the things that you can do the ways you can take care of yourself. There's no best or boilerplate way to feel. So do yourself a favor and pack some extra self-compassion alongside your sandwich today.

But you're only one person with a finite amount of energy. Maybe it's a byproduct of the modern world. I don't know. That's all trade-offs. If you're on the early shift tomorrow, should you really take all the night meetings tonight, too? Does the bathroom need to be spotless more than your kid needs cuddles, dad?

Mom, will the company stop running if you let the emails wait until morning?

I always say that myself, not at this matters.

Rushness of Johnny is a lot of things. A lawyer, an author, an activist, a founder of two major nonprofits working towards gender equality. And a working mom of two on top of all of that, like at the end of the day, what matters is my family. Is my friends, is like my spiritual life.

“And I think that you have to be able to evaluate, what do I really need to get done?”

And what is the sense of like I'm doing this because I have to prove that I have to be productive? Working parenthood is full of hard choices, sacrifices, or both simultaneously. To say nothing of the brain fog, the spit-up on your best workshirts, the spats with your spouse, the late nights, the learning curves, the general, and pervasive year you're getting it all wrong. So this could be a useful barometer to cut through some of the chaos.

What's a real need versus just a gold star on your record? How much pressure is self-imposed? And how much is out of your control?

Rushness says it's crucial to remember that for a lot of Americans

being a parent is a uniquely difficult endeavor, where the only industrialized nation that doesn't have paid leave. One in four women go back to work two weeks after having a baby. No federal pay leave that is. According to recent data from lending tree, child care for two kids exceeds monthly rent in most metro areas in the U.S. And over half of parents have gone into debt to pay for child-related

expenses, which means, you know, the car breaks down if their partner has a health scare, like they're one crisis away from financial ruin. That's part of why Rushmefounded Moms first, an organization that, quote,

"viting for America's moms and policies like affordable childcare and paid leave."

Because in many, many other countries, it is just not a thing to have to choose between your health, financial stability, or your child's safety.

“So, the next time you feel overcome by guilt when you have to drop off your little when it”

daycare, or you draft the ball at work because the baby didn't sleep or got sick, remember. You're not struggling simply because you're not trying hard enough. Not because we need more confidence, not because we have to call our coder calendar. We don't have the structural support in order to both be a mother and actually participate in the workforce. And that's need help in this arena too.

Sometimes it's correct to feel sad. I haven't been with my child for five nights in a row, and I'm sure they miss me, and I do feel guilty about that, and I wish that weren't the case. The answer isn't necessarily feel no guilt. It's like just allow yourself to feel that without then adding on to it. And it's important to note on this front. It's okay and very common to not feel okay. One in five new moms and one in ten new dads will experience a perineetal

mood or anxiety disorder, like OCD, postpartum depression, or psychosis. These numbers are based on biological parentage, just FYI, post adoption rates are more variable, but in any case, there's a lot of help out there, right, or available. If you're in need of emotional support quickly, you can call or text 988, that's the suicide in crisis lifeline. You can find a free perineetal mental health screen through the Center for Parental Lead Leadership website, and you can

find a lot of other great resources through postpartum support international. I also want to mention that if you're a single parent, our expert said that last bit, seeking and accepting help,

“is especially important. And might feel especially hard to do. You have to be graceful with”

yourself and say, when I weigh all the things of like what my family unit needs, you know, I'm doing the best that I can. Noticing places in which you might be attached to not being a burden or not being seen as weak, and you know, look deeper into what's available to you in terms of resources. Support groups like parents without partners or single parent advocate are great places to start. You can also look online for program specific to your area.

The single parent project, for example, based in Utah offers grants for some parents who don't qualify for traditional government assistance. Let's be clear, though. No matter your career or

too often, probably, my days and nights can feel like an unending marathon of just getting things

“done. And yet somehow, I still want a bed feeling like five tasks bind. Can you relate?”

Let's have a one-on-one about it after the break. You're listening to life kit. Next up, the all-important safety segment. Mental and emotional safety, that is, burnout, exceeded bandwidth, are super common around here. So, let's talk about what you can do to set yourself up for success. Take away three. Install emotional search protection at home and the office. Know your limits.

Speak up. Take breaks. One of the best tools you have in your toolbox for making your life easier during this turbulent period, remove ambiguity. Make the things that you think are obvious, obvious anyway. A lot of times we get frustrated when we see our caregiver doing something and we think like, why would they ever do that? That's so dumb. But, you know, everyone's different.

“This role can and should apply with any of your relationships. I mean, honestly, we should never”

assume people can read our minds, but at this tender moment in life, especially when you've got too much on your plate and you're going 100 miles a minute every day of the week, girl, are you sure you can even read your own mind? Be specific. Double check, ask follow-up questions, write out your directions, then have your partner proof-read them. Better to measure twice and cut once, then have no one to pick up the baby at daycare. This might feel tiresome, but it works in both

directions. Like Erin and his wife, for example, have this great exercise they do at the dinner table. And people really make fun of us for this, but I think it's really smart. We tell the other

person what we want to be appreciated for. I say, here's what I did today that you did not see

that I want to be appreciated for and the kids see that. And so, you know, you kind of create a culture of gratitude and appreciation and it goes really quickly if you don't have to gas. Another essential, according to Erin, finding ways to reset after a hard day work or a hard stretch with a little one. And that doesn't have to be some big vacation. Sure, that would be nice. I would love to give you that, but actually, you can reconnect with yourself in 10 minutes.

Like one of Erin's reset activities is just walking and listening to podcasts. That listening often gets his creative juices flowing and helps him think up new content and book ideas. Super duper similar, right? It works for him for two reasons. One, I have a like part of my sense of self that's all about feeling free and that's very inhibited and being a working parent, right? So when I'm just out in the fresh air and I'm no one's attached to me, I feel free in that moment.

I can just somehow, it just works. The other part sparks his creativity in a field that's exciting to him. If you don't already have a favorite or exact right thing, think about like, what are my values? What do I admire and other people? He says we all have personal qualities that we can expand out into reset buttons. For example, maybe you crave novelty. So you just need to take the little one to a brand new park on the other side of town. Change your walking rope.

“Do you need to feel powerful? When was the last time you broke out those weights in the back of the closet?”

These examples might not sound all that exciting, but that's kind of the point. Well, it's not going to work unless I ride a new book. I'm not going to feel like myself and it's like, no, actually all I need to do is think of an idea for a book and I feel like myself. Which brings us to the final module of our training session, performance reviews. Take away four. Parenting changes your thinking and the goal posts.

Lower the bar and give yourself your family and your career, room to grow and change. I think my best advice to parents is lower your standards. Don't expect that you're going

to be amazing in everything. Darby Saxby is a brain researcher, professor of psychology at the

University of Southern California and a mom to two teenagers. Our research combines neuroscience and psychology to understand how close connections shape health and well-being and her upcoming book Dead Brain is all about the science of fatherhood. She says no matter who you are or how you come to assume the role, man or woman, pregnancy, adoption, fostering. Parenting is hugely transformational for both the brain and the body. I know that's not a big surprise, but she says,

we have a bad habit of celebrating the speedy bounce back after baby narrative.

mood swing and get right back to work that was in a beat. Your word recall or your hair.

“In reality, Darby says it can take a long time to fully adjust to parenthood.”

Much longer than you might expect or be giving yourself license for. There's evidence that we don't really bounce back even if we ever bounce back until two years or maybe more and since many people have more than one kid that period of remodeling and adjustment can actually last even longer than those two years. So when you can try to let good be good enough, there are no raises for a picture perfect baby food. No valedictorian and daddy and me classes or trophies for late night

multitasking, which is not a real thing, just FYI. You know, respecting that this is a transformational time. So, you know, even if you don't get a lot of leave or any leave being patient with yourself and recognizing that you may not be 100% for a while. Another idea, work to reframe these changes

“not as flaws or failures, but as what they are, adaptations. Your body rewiring itself to meet”

the demands of this awesome, wild new gig. I like to say, great parents are made not born. Once that little one enters your life, your hormone levels shift and change. You have increased emotional sensitivity. You lose gray matter in parts of your brain. And listen, I know. Your brain getting smaller on its face. Yeah, doesn't sound great. But here's why the brain is starting to work more efficiently. You're having to figure out what this little creature that can't talk

to you needs and how to suit them. You're really using your social brain and you're using your empathetic brain and we're developing stronger faster connections when we become new parents. And that growth can serve you in all arenas. Darby talked to one dad for her book, for example, who told me that taking time off to be a dad made him way better at work. He said it really improved his ability to manage employees. So there are a lot of transferable skills as we're

developing that empathy in that patience when working with our own young kids that can really translate into making us better more effective workers as well. And then of course, there's the purely logistical side of parenting. A lot of parents report that having kids because of an introduces all these new complexities can make them more disciplined and better at just getting things done. All together, these changes are a gift that keeps on giving. Studies have shown that

parenting is neuroprotective later in life, meaning the constant cognitive workout that is parenthood has a sort of anti-aging effect on your brain. And the more kids you have, the stronger and better connected, your brain seems to be. So you're Saturday nights are a different kind of wild now. So maybe you're not all that interested in moving up the corporate letter after all.

What might look or feel like a loss at first could also be a lovely new chapter in the making.

We can feel hard or scary or overwhelming in the moment. Might look back on with tenderness and gratitude. For now, while you're still in the thick of it, Darby's parting words of wisdom as both a parent researcher and a parent herself, find that community. Because no one is supposed to do this alone. So you know, joining organizations, clubs, taking advantage of places to connect, like going to the playground with your baby and striking up a conversation,

you know, not all of this is easy, but I think the more that we seek out support and we lean on people in our lives, the easier it can be to get through those first few years of early parents hood. And the easier it is to parent. The easier it is to make working parenthood work for you. All right team, let's circle back on today's presentation and then we'll get you out of here. Take away one. Flexibility is the name of the working parent game. There are lots of different ways

to build your workplace potato, but you're going to have to ask for it. Take away two. Taking on two new jobs with two new identities tends to cause a lot of feelings. Write yourself some grace will ya? Take away three. Be realistic about how much time and

“energy you have to work with from day to day. Know your limits, ask for what you need,”

and build in breaks and buffers where you can. And finally, take away four. Parenting

changes your mind, let it, love it, lower your mind to success and find community to help you weather the season of life. That was LifeKit Reporter Andy Tagle. This episode of LifeKit was

Megan Kane is our senior supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer.

“Our production team also includes Claire Marish Niter, Sylvie Douglas and Mika Ellison.”

Engineering support comes from Damian Herring, Fact Checking by Tyler Jones.

I'm Mariel Sagarra. Thanks for listening. [BLANK_AUDIO]