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We set these big resolutions on New Year's Eve, and then dropped them by mid-January. And this happens throughout the year, too. We have goals, but life and our routines and habits get in the way. One thing that can help is the buddy system. Francisco Ramirez, who lives in New York,
kind of intuitively knew he needed this. He has this stuffed animal rabbit that he keeps on his desk.
This is memo, memo the rabbit.
Actually, he calls it memo the high five rabbit, because for a while, every time he finished a task. I would give memo a high five, and we'd celebrate. I had other versions of this with a paper squirrel. I did all sorts of fun sort of motivating tools.
But an inanimate object could only provide so much support.
“So I remember specifically searching high and low”
for something that would connect me to somebody who wasn't a stuffed animal, or a paper squirrel. Francisco started searching for real-life human accountability buddies. And accountability buddy is someone who you partner with to work on goals together. This can look a lot of different ways.
You can know the person before or not. You can be working towards the same goals or different ones. But what we've heard over and over again, is the buddy system works for people. Keeps them accountable and motivated.
People like Leah Shaffer, who lives outside of Houston. I would sit there in our Zoom meetings and think, I should, want to go, I should be able to do this alone. But there is some kind of, like, there's some magic in it. Like, it's highly recommended.
On this episode of LifeKit, accountability buddies or partners, what they are, how you can find one, what to look for in this kind of relationship,
“and how to set yourselves up for success.”
Leah Shaffer is writing a novel about vampires. And she goes to his hilt country home and they sort of trade blood for a safe place for a little while. The year before Leah met her accountability buddy, Jamie, she'd written maybe one draft of this book, but this year it out. I've rewritten this three times.
I think maybe maybe three and a half. And I wrote two more books, terrible books. But each better than the last, I definitely don't think I would have gotten the work done this last year. If I hadn't had Jamie as my buddy and met every week. We heard from Francisco Ramirez earlier.
He's the one with the stuffed rabbit. He uses focus mate, a website that matches you with a stranger, and you get on a video call, tell each other your goals, then mute yourselves for your 25, 50, or 75 minute session, and check in at the end.
He's done more than 6,000 of these sessions. Yeah, he's really into it. And he's used it to stand, task with lots of things. Anything from knocking out contracts, blazing through invoices, writing my book, studying French, writing,
thank you notes, whatever it may be. Francisco has seen his focus mate buddies do all sorts of things too. Practice their juggling, work on jigsaw puzzles. A lot of practicing a piano, a lot of tubas, everyone's trying to play guitar. Somebody plays the harp, who's lovely and met.
I met her in person. She's fantastic. I want you to think about your goals. Maybe you want to get a new job. Or start that business. Or learn how to paint. Maybe you want to cook more, or do those exercises,
your physical therapist gave you. If you've struggled to make the time and space on your own, you might benefit from an accountability partner.
Take away one, accountability buddies can be powerful and effective
in helping you reach all sorts of goals. I yell at Fishback is a professor of behavioral science and marketing at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business. And she says, "We need each other." We know that people are social and emails.
We know that people work in groups. People have been working in groups from the beginning of times. We do things with others and when others are not allowed there in our mind. When related finding from IELTS research is that in the presence of other people, our actions feel more meaningful to us.
And that's true, even if there's strangers. We had people in China playing badminton. It's about some event. And when they were more people in the audience, they felt that they either contributed more to the win or contributed more to the loss,
What they did matter.
So this might be one reason accountability buddies work for people.
Another is that we've been conditioned to do well in this setup where we have to report our progress to somebody else. Cynthia Pong is the founder and CEO of the career coaching firm in BraceChange. Most of us grew up through some sort of school system.
“Where there's a lot of structure and you have to do things on a certain timeline,”
within this container, turn things in, someone else is grading. Like, there's that entire dynamic and so it becomes really ingrained. Cynthia says accountability buddies can also help because they create defaults in our lives. We've got a thousand reasons why we shouldn't do the thing.
But if it's like a standing situation and you just get into that routine,
it would just become reflexive. You don't make room for that risk that you're going to fall off the wagon. By the way, the social pressure that comes with having an accountability buddy, might work especially well on you if you're the kind of person who likes to please others. So you want to try it out?
Take away two, look for an accountability buddy who's reliable, who wants to see you succeed and who can encourage you in a way that fits both of your personalities. I find the accountability buddies that might be the most helpful are the ones who are going to show up. You know that friend who's a lot of fun but who cancels plans half the time or who says they're
coming to the party and then they don't come or they say they're not coming and then they do come.
Yeah, they're not your best bet for any accountability buddy. No, you want steady, Eddie. You want reliable, Rhonda. And you want the person who's counting on you to show up, too. I would look more for character traits of people who have a certain level of discipline around these things and also are not afraid to be like, hey, Marial, we said we would do this.
I know that you don't want to, but I'm going to be here at this time, so please come. As you're auditioning folks for this role, also consider what kind of encouragement you like, what motivates you. Daniel Wood is 35. He's a graphics reporter at NPR. He lives in a suburb outside of DC and three days a week he meets up with other neighborhood dads to pump iron. We got a text every night, the night before, 545 AM. This is all it says. This is
545 AM and there's sort of an expectation that if you're not going to be there, then the person's going to bug you the next time you see them. Now, if he has a good reason, maybe they'll cut him some slack. But if you just slept in or something, he's going to hear about it. And that works for him. The optimal amount of shaming in the world is not a zero, especially if you can set to it. See, for me, the shaming would backfire. I'd get annoyed and stop
showing up. Me, I don't want to have love. I don't want to boot camp instructor. I want to cheer leader and also somebody who'll show up remind me how much of a accomplished and tell me to keep going. Cynthia says whatever it is you need, tell your perspective partners. Then it's great to explain that to the other person so that they can also be like, yes, I can do that or to be honest and be like, listen, I truthfully don't know if I'm going to be able
“to provide that for you. Now, you might be thinking, where am I going to find these people?”
Could be anywhere, really. Daniel got connected with his group when some guy at a holiday party invited him a year later, they're all best friends. You could also look for or ask around about an existing group, a writing group, a roller skating club, people who meet up and talk about spirituality or their career goals, whatever it is that you're into. Or if you already have a friend who you think could be a good fit, ask them. But your accountability partner does not have to
be someone you already know. Leah, the vampire novelist and her accountability buddy Jamie, met online. I was on TikTok and just some random dude was like, does anybody want to be accountability buddies with me? And I was like, I don't even know what that is, but sure, I'll try it and he's an author too. And I just, I said yes, and then we met, I think that same week on Zoom, and I don't think either of us knew exactly what it was going to look like, but we have been meeting
every week, every Friday at 9 o'clock for over a year now. And Leah says, they've become friends, but their relationship was formed for this purpose to work on their creative writing. And that is their primary intention. And then we can kind of chat afterwards about what we're doing in our lives. For her, this dynamic keeps things simpler. I have a sister, she's a writer too. And I don't think we could do it because we talk too much, you know, about other things. She says it felt
easier to do this with a new person than with somebody she was super close to and shared a bunch of history with. It was just lower stakes, right? She didn't feel like she needed to impress him,
“and that made it okay to fall short sometimes. Also, remember, you don't have to have the same”
goals as your accountability partner. I let fish back says, if your goal is to go running twice a week, and you have somebody who wants to do that with you, great. But if not, there are other ways. Maybe this is going to be a person where exercises in their own way, maybe you meet after you
Had your separate exercises for a cup of coffee, maybe you exchange notes by ...
you and the end of the week. We'll have more life kit after the break. That brings us to take away three. Get clear about your goals and track your progress.
“So you found your buddy. Yay! What are y'all supposed to do now?”
You can start by setting some goals. Specificity can be helpful here. At first, Leah and Jamie were
bringing a wide-ranging to-do list to the table. They'd set goals like, "I want to clean my cabinets this week, but that got too big and amorphous for them." So I do think one of the pitfalls is trying to have an accountability buddy for all of your goals. I think narrow it down to, you know, whatever this, this one thing you're meeting about is. They decided to make their sessions just about writing. They meet every Friday morning. He tells her his goals for the week.
She tells him hers. Here's an example from the week we interviewed her. When we meet on Friday, I'm supposed to have gone through my first 10 chapters in my novel for revisions and recorded five TikToks. And he's doing, you know, he'll do some marketing, book marketing because he's got some books out. He'll do some writing goals. And they go through the list from the week before.
“Did you do this? If yes, great. Excited for you. If no, not a huge deal. They also set monthly,”
quarterly, and yearly goals. I yell at fishbacks as when you're thinking about goals, it helps to break them down into smaller pieces. What am I going to do this week? This month. Because there's this phenomenon called the middle problem. You see a lot of enthusiasm at the beginning. Then motivation declines. Then when you're about to reach the goal again, you see an up-taking motivation. So it's kind of a, a huge shape. For instance, imagine you're saving
to buy a house or you're saving for retirement. This is so big and so far that unless we break it into how much I'm going to say this year, it's really hard to feel like you efforts pay off in any way. So maybe you and your accountability partner say we're going to work out this many times this week. Or I'm going to write this many pages of my book and you are going to do XYZ. Talk to your accountability partner about what kind of check-ins will keep you both motivated. This might change over time.
Francisco has an accountability buddy outside of focus mate. They meet every Sunday at 10 a.m.
When they first started doing it, they created an Excel spreadsheet that each would fill out
with their goals and lots of other details. Anticipated obstacles, solution and action item, action items and tasks. How did I do? What worked? What didn't work? And they'd monitor each other's progress during the week. Originally, it was very much like a, did you go for that walk today? Oh, I see the check mark. Yes, you did. Nice work. Eventually, they stopped doing that and realized that the Sunday meetups were enough to keep them both on track. But, you know, life happens.
And that's when you look to take away four. If you feel like you're getting way off-track or your accountability arrangement is not working for you, troubleshoot. Try something different. The first thing I'll stress here is that even with an accountability buddy, you're not
always going to hit your marks. Francisco who's done thousands of sessions on focus mate
says he has those moments. At the end of a session, I felt like I didn't get a lot done. Which happens all the time because hello, we're human. And my focus is made partner look to me
“in the camera and said, "And you showed up and that's what matters."”
But we get off-track all the time, right? We don't hit our goals all the time. Leah says there's something about doing this with a partner that actually makes falling short feel like less of a big deal. If you aren't meeting all of your goals, cut yourself some slack. But if you're not saying any progress or you and your partner keep cancelling your accountability meetups, then Cynthia says, "It's time to check in."
Maybe your buddy will say, "Yeah, you know, I'm actually not as into this as I thought." Or, "This is too busy of a season for me. Let's try again in six months." Or maybe it's something simpler. The time you chose is not convenient for both of you. So then change the time of the Zoom, you know, or change it to not a Zoom and it's texting. Like, you can try any sort of thing like that to sort of adjust and you don't need to
throw the whole thing out. As you get to know your accountability buddy or buddies, you might notice that you're becoming friends, like, for real, for real. Maybe that's because partnering up on things we care about, can bring us closer to people, or because you're being vulnerable enough to share your big dreams with someone. And the repetition helps, too. When you see someone consistently, even on a video call,
they become a part of your life. Francisco feels this way about his focusmate buddies. I have the people that I get to see every day, nearly, who are showing me their cats, eating their crunchies, and there's a lot of, sort of, I guess, you could call
Commiseration or more support around things that we're working on in the worl...
changes that we're trying to, you know, affect or impact. And so it's just so special to be
“able to, you know, connect with people in every corner of the globe and support each other.”
He's even gone on to meet some of them in person, going to Broadway show is going ice skating. But even if I don't connect with people, it's, uh, in person, it's just, um, really special feeling like you're not alone in what you're striving to do. For so many of us, even if we're working in office settings, we can feel really isolated. For Daniel, his accountability group, banded together during a tough time. One of them had a heart attack,
last summer. And he says the community, the group had already built, made it possible for them to step up for their friend. It was just like the most natural scaffolding, I think, to like,
go into, um, a new mode of like, caring for one another. Um, basically these are just like,
my family in this city, you know, our wives and friends, and like, there's more than just this group, but this group has made it consistent in a way that I think a lot of American society doesn't have, um, people don't have the friendships that sort of friendships that used to have. And Daniel says, ultimately, the social aspect of the group and the friendships he's formed.
“That's what gets him to show up. We listen to music and we, we talk about our, like, our kids,”
our jobs, um, we talk about politics and we don't agree, like we don't all agree on it. And it's sort of a fun environment and it's like a safe place to do that stuff and, um, so I don't want to miss out. So there's a little bit of like, if it wasn't, if it was just like me getting out of bed and running, I wouldn't do it. Of course, you know, it doesn't hurt that he's getting a lot stronger in the process. We get sick gains out of it, you know, we get like
super shredded, so that helps. All right, it's time for a recap. Take away one. Accountability
buddies can be a powerful and effective way to reach for what you want in life. Take away two,
look for an accountability buddy who's reliable, who wants to see you succeed and who can encourage you in a way that fits both of your personalities. Take away three, get clear about your goals. It can be helpful to be specific and to break them down into small chunks and also track your progress. Take away four, if you feel like you're getting way off track or your accountability arrangement is not working for you. Try something else, try a different structure,
see if there's something worth holding on to here or if you might find a better fit with somebody else. Before we go, we wanted to let you know that we have a special newsletter series
“that you can sign up for if you want to take a break from drinking. We'll cover everything from”
how to deal with uncomfortable questions like, hey, why aren't you drinking? To how to make some tasty alcohol free drinks at home, you can sign up by going to npr.org/dry January and you can also find the link in the description for this episode. For more life kit, check out our other episodes. There's one about how to make a better to do list and another about how to keep up with a creative habit. You can find those at npr.org/lifekit. And if you love life kit and want
even more, subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org/lifekit newsletter. Also, we love hearing from you. So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at [email protected]. This episode of Lifekit was produced by Claire Marish Nighter. Our digital editor is Malica Greeb and our visual editor is CJ Rikolot. Meghan Kane is our supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagle,
Margaret Sereno, and Sylvie Douglas. Engineering support comes from Quasilee and Robert Rodríguez. I'm Mariel Sigata. Thanks for listening.
