I'm home alone with the kids all day long and he's at work and then he comes ...
and then something tiny goes on and he's like, okay, it just goes out to the wind.
How do I get to the thing beneath the thing? And that is, I've got an angry husband who is taking it out on a five year old. Hey, what's going on? This is John with Dr. John Deloni's show taking your calls from all over the planet. About whatever you're going through, your mental and emotional health, your relationship,
your kids, your marriages, whatever you got your in-laws for the last 20 plus years now.
“I've been sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next, right?”
Moving their lives in the lives of those they love and what can they control, what can they
can not control and where do we go from here? So, glad that you're with us. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloni.com/askask, fill out the form and we'll get you hooked up. Let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Paige. What's up, Paige? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm okay. Okay, okay. What's going on?
So, how do I tell my husband that I don't want to raise our kids the same way he was raised?
Husband, I don't want to raise our kids the same way he raised. I'm sure that, like, that probably
hasn't worked. Tell me what's going on.
“So, we have three kids ranging from five to almost nine months and I was raised. It was”
a new year. I was kind of reflecting on how I wanted to parent and what I wanted to change and everything. And I was raised in a split household, both of them were abusive and their own ways. And my husband was raised in a single household, but there was something that I see as abusive that he is just oblivious. Okay, tell me about him. Well, and let me, let me start it this way.
If you start, if you head into this challenge as I have a better view than he does, or my view is right in his is wrong, or I've got clarity and he's oblivious, he'll feel that. And then the conversation won't be about kids. It'll be about right and wrong, who's winning and who's losing. Okay.
“You do what I'm saying. And so, there's, there's something about I want to be enter into”
something. And let's just outright, you know, like over the top abusive, right? Or even under the, like any, any sort of abuse, obviously, I'm not going to be curious. I'm going to walk right in there and try to be like, stop it, right? But if it comes to, I want to do this, but he wants to do this, or he values that, or I value this, walking into it, like, well, he's clearly oblivious to XYZ is, it's not a way to solve a problem.
And so, get me, get underneath it with me. What are some things that you, your body says, whoa, I don't like this. That he says, this is the way I want to do it. The main one is any time that my kids, like, or that our kids do something that's, like, okay, well, let's redirect them. He just automatically goes to thinking. Okay. And that's the big one. And I'm home along with the kids all day long, and he
that worked. So it's kind of like, I've managed the kids the way that I have all day, and then he comes in, and then something tiny goes on, and he's like, okay, it just goes out to the wind. Gotcha. And so you have a physical reaction when you see your husband, hit your kids. I tell him to stop. He does not know, but tell me about what's going on inside your chest. Oh, um, like, it just, it throws me back to whenever I was a kid. Sure.
And, um, both, both of my dads were just one less than the other, um, but, like, it just throws me back to that. And I thought I had managed it, but there's, like, triggers. And I know those are my triggers. I don't need to put them on my Husband, but yeah, but, but there, but you also have a lived experience, too, that's real. And you can also, you have a radar for swatna kid, and you have a radar for a frustrated, angry, just coming home from work dad,
who's taking it out on a five-year-old. Yeah. Give what I'm saying? Yeah. And that's a very,
Those are two very different things.
spanking, um, I won't talk about those here. What I want to talk about with you is, how do I get
“to the thing beneath the thing? And that is, I've got an angry husband who is taking it out on a five-year-old,”
on a three-year-old. And that can't happen. Yeah. Okay. And so it's less about this big, the third
rail issue here is, I'm gonna, I'm gonna spank my kids of whatever, or no one's ever gonna correct my children, whatever, right? The bigger issue here is, I'm guessing, you can tell me if I'm wrong, is you see a guy that's taken stuff out on children in this, not right? Yeah. Okay. And my husband, when we were dating, because we had talked a little bit, I had my daughter, we started dating when she was about eight months, so I had my daughter before we had gotten together. And we had
“talked like a little bit about parenting, but, and like at that time we were on the same page,”
but like with every single kid it kind of changed. Yeah. And, but his view on it hasn't changed.
And whenever we talked about it when we were dating, I thought he was over exaggerating and he was like, well, my dad dropped kicked me and I'm fine and I was like, I reacted to him like, um, that's not okay, but all right. Well, if you, here's how I know he's not fine. He allows a five-year-old to in a region, to the point of, of hitting. Right? That tells me he's not okay. That if a five-year-old can emotionally disregulate an adult, you're not okay. Yes. If a five-year-old can, a five-year-old's
will annoy you for the end of till the end of time, that's if five-year-olds do in three-year-olds, and eight-month-old's scream. It's being their children. And drop kicking a kid because I got drop kicked is, it's unacceptable, it's madness. Yes. Right. And I mean at that point, I would have drawn the line and something would have had to happen. Oh, of course, I get that, I get that. But here's the deeper issues. Um, you drawing a line and saying, the point of any sort of discipline or,
oh, it's a correction is a behavior change. And adults navigate what is the best path for behavior change? All right. Yeah. We don't go into every situation with our hammer because every situation's a nail. And that's emotional maturity. So let me ask you this, does he have anger issues in other places? Um, sometimes yes whenever he's frustrated, but he's not like, it doesn't really get aggressive
in that way. It just goes towards like, cussing and verbal. Okay. But it's never towards me.
It hasn't ever been towards me. But does your body begin to withdraw or shut down because it remembers?
“Sometimes. Okay. That's what I want to work through. I want y'all to work through.”
Okay. Okay. Almost without fail. And I'm going to use his words, kids that were drop kicked. And then also pat it on the head and told they were loved. And this is for you. And this is what you get. They grow up with a sense of inner rage and anger that is hard to describe. You, I'm saying. Yeah. And so it doesn't surprise me that your body feels it. It, it goes, whoa. And it backs out. Okay. And I usually just shut down because of course.
That's what catch you safe growing up. And so the hardest thing for you is to enter into this conversation. Of course, I'm, I'm trusting you that he's safe and he's not abusive and he's not knocking holes in the sheetrock stuff like that. No. But if you sit down and tell them, hey, I love you. And I sense inside of you and anger and a rage. It's coming out on our kids and I can't have that. And I honor that you don't, I mean, I honestly, I honor you because nobody, I mean, it's kind of like,
That, you're like, you're not supposed to hit things, right?
like celebrate you for not hitting things, right? But I think,
“him not having peace in his own chest inside of his own house is going to recreate the dynamic”
eager up with. It's going to recreate the dynamic you grew up with just it's going to look a little bit different. Is that fair? Yes, that's fair. Okay. So the, the approach though is how can we connect here? And if his responses, I'm not mad. I'm not angry about anything. Then you can like, I mean, smile and say, there it is, right? If you sat down and looked him in the eye and held his hand and said, I need you to hear me say this. I love you. And when your frustration builds, it scares me.
What do you say? Um, I honestly have no idea. Yeah. Hey, that's telling to me. That's either telling that you've kept parts of yourself from him just to stay safe.
“And either because you have to, I love that, I love that noise. Either because you have to, or”
because you have an open up, yeah. I think some of it is that I don't remember it as well. There have, like, my past was I've experienced probably almost every form of view in my childhood between my two households and like just a few years ago, one of the really big things just came up. And I just remembered it. And so I think it might be that I don't remember everything that I've been through. So I can't, she knows what I remember and what I remember telling him.
But like, every once in a while, something will happen and I'm like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I forgot about that happening. And then I would tell him, yeah, but he's actually
the first one that I told him. Okay. Well, and that's, that's awesome. That's amazing. I, I,
I deeply care. Okay. So I'm saying, I'm here. We say that I deeply deeply care. But also in the
“present, what matters most to me is your body is going into fight or fight or shut down.”
And so something that's happening in your present is signaling your body. Oh, here we go again. So this specific details of what happened in the past between like, those will emerge your body. Actually, like, does a good job of like, hey, we don't need to rethink all that stuff because we got to get up and go get on with our day. Right. And so like sometimes forgetting is like the body keeps the score as Vandercoke says, but if your mind thought about that 24/7, 365, all of those scary
terrifying awful memories, it would be incapacitating. Right. What matters is, hey, when you come in the door and you're in a bad mood and our five year old, he says, pick that up and our five year old goes, no, Daddy. And you just walk up and wall up him. I can't have that because that's not about discipline. It's not about correction. It's about your pissed off. Yes. It's not about you redirecting behavior. And I can't have that. And my hope is my deep deep hope is he hears that. And if you say,
I've been through this in my home, I can't have it again. I won't recreate it. I won't let it be recreated. My hope is my God, dude, my deepest hope in prayer is that he goes, God, I don't want to be like that. And if there's some way that he will hear you, not not over him, not I see something you don't, but hey, I want, I love you so much. I need you to see this. You say that the way you were beat up as a kid, didn't affect you. I'm telling you. I feel it. It did.
Kids need emotionally regulated adults in their house. Never, never, never hit a kid
when you're angry or mad, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. I would say, don't hit kids. That's a different conversation. If you're frustrated walk away, if you're mad, walk away, if you're angry, heart broke up. If you're embarrassed, if you're humiliated, walk away. When we come back,
A woman asks if her fiance sexually assaulted her while she was unconscious.
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“All right, let's go to Orlando and talk to Katie. Hey, Katie, what's going on?”
In there. What's happening? So I, a situation happened a couple months ago that I haven't told anyone about and I don't know how to feel about it or how to proceed or, or I just don't know, but. So hold on,
am I the right person to be the first person you tell? I would love the most unbiased of
perspective. Absolutely. Okay. Do you have a safe person that you're like a friend, can't counselor something in your area that you, that you can talk to also? Yeah, absolutely. I just really don't understand how to confront a situation with my partner or even how to feel about it. What happened? I don't, I don't feel in place with a situation. I just, I just don't know what to
do or don't have to think about it. But so I'm not an outpatient surgery. And I plan leaving, I fancy pick me up from the surgery center. We go home. He gives me medication that was first cribed as very out of it from the anesthesia. But I guess he had misread what medicine was supposed to go first. So I ended up picking like a double dose of pain medication and so I was out of it. Like I have no recollection completely asleep. And I woke up to my fiance
performing like a sexual act on me. And I'm immediately like, like jump back. I'm like, what are you doing? And he just was like, I was trying to, I'm trying to think of the best ways to phrase this right now. Just trying to, I'm trying to, you know, pleasure you right now. And I'm like, what? I'm like, I was like unconscious. Like I have no recollection of how that
even occurred and his response was, well, you know, your body seemed to be seemed like you were enjoying it. And I'm like, oh, God. Okay. Here's the deal. That's rape. Agreed. That's what that is. Okay.
I tried to explain to him.
I'm sorry that happened. Yeah. And I know that he has blown up your entire world.
He's changed everything. Everything from the inside out. I'm, I'm the sort of mad at him. Yes. Yes. I don't, I don't know. Like, what do I even do? What do I even say? Like, I don't even know the person, I don't even know him. Like, who are you? I guess. Yes. Yes. Katie, I'm so sorry. I don't know. Like, how do I, what do you even do? Like,
I, there's, there's just an order of things here and order, step number one is get to a place
where you're safe. You'll share it. You all live together. Oh, yeah. Okay. The he needs to go. And if you're economically unstable, if it's his place,
“then priority number one is you need to find a safe place to go ASAP.”
Because you might think in your mind, I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm not scared of him or whatever, but your body knows. I can't even sleep. We, everything has just been so wrong since then. Yes. Yes. And yes. Your body would be failing you, Philip. You go to sleep at night. I was like, I'm living with a stranger. It's like, who, even, and it's been a few weeks now.
So you, like, I feel like I, I, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Is this, is this the first time this is happening?
It is. Okay. I need you to hear me say these words. And I want you to metabolize them as best you can, okay? You're not crazy. And if you start saying things like, I should by now, and I have to, and it's all, I want you to catch yourself in those moments, okay? Right. And this is, this is, this is huge, huge, huge.
“On 50 different levels. And that, that's why it feels so overwhelming and so big.”
It's more like, I feel just incredibly angry that I, he's just destroyed our entire life. Yes. He's destroyed yours. And I'm, I'm mad, but I feel guilty. I'm mad that I'm questioning like, yes. Anything, I didn't do anything wrong. And I, I just, yes. Is it not fair? And I just don't know. Yes. So I'll say this is, is boldly as I can, everything in your relationship is over now.
You're right. It's not that it's different now. It's over now. And I'll run through some of the layers. If we were sitting together, I would do this way, way slower, okay? But I'm going to run through some of the layers here. Layer number one. The, the disbelief, the, you, you, you call it guilt. I have a different word for it, but I,
I get the, the sentiment that you feel how in the world did I get to a place where I would share, consider sharing my life with a guy like that. Right. And it makes you feel crazy. You're not crazy.
“How in the world does a person do this to somebody else?”
What else do I not know about him? There's no way that person, I'm an anchor into that person for the rest of our life and marry them.
They're a rapist.
want to hug him and say what's a matter with you and I also want to hit him as hard as I can all the
“same time. Me too. I'm, I'm staying, I'm pretending I'm you right now, right? Like all of it, right?”
And so it, I could go on and on and on. It's all of these layers. And it will come over you and over you and over you. It's like it's like being in an ocean and it just waves and waves and waves. I, um, but you're, you're not crazy. Here's where you would be crazy. If you haven't had the thought, what else has happened that I didn't know about?
Constantly. Yes. Constantly. Yeah. How would this even enter a person's head?
Right. Right. And so I, if you've listened to my show ever, you know, you will know how rare this is. But I would say you need to get out.
“Yeah, I think that's what I've been telling myself. But I'm also like,”
you know, I, you lose a sense of, I don't know why I feel this way, but it's almost like I'm telling myself that you lose like a certain level of autonomy when you're in, you know, a committed relationship.
And then I'm also like, that's absolutely nuts. Like to even think that way.
You, uh, explain that to me. Like, I, in a, like, in a marriage that we're, we're, we're living together. We're sleeping together every day. Like, you know, maybe that's just okay in a relationship. Like, but then I'm also like, that's absolutely insane. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, giving up autonomy is not rape. Co-creating a world together with somebody, choosing to put both feet in the boat is trust.
This is, in my opinion, the grossest violation of trust there is. So yeah, I, I give up autonomy, you're right. Like, when I chose to get married, I chose to say, I'm not just going to make every decision in my life for the rest of my life. I'm going to share that decision making and co-creat a world together with somebody. You're right.
“But the only way that works is if I am politically with everything I am trust that person.”
Not just with my physical body, but with my mind, with my spirit, with my dreams, with my values, with my, when I fail, and that's why this is such a mind altering a life altering event is, it takes all of that away at the same time. It just severes the court. I'm pretty sure I felt that way since then, and it took our relationship as not been the same since no, because he blew it to smithereens.
Every decision you make from this point forward will be because he did what he did. You're right. You deciding to seek safety does not make you a bad person. I can't believe you give me another. You blew this thing up, and let me say this, this is critically critically important that you get some people in your corner. You cannot navigate this by yourself.
It's too big, okay. Do you have a couple of friends you can call today? Yeah, absolutely. I sit with them in person, not text. Yeah, I need to do that. I'm asking you will you?
I'm going to do it. Thank you. I need to do that. I've been just holding onto this for so long, like, just alone. I know you don't want it to be true. I'm so disgusted. On behalf of husbands and fiancees and men who love the women in their lives,
Just know I'm disgusted.
I think we shared that. Thank you. Thank you for taking my call.
I am, like I said, I've just been holding onto this alone for so long. And there will be times when it feels like a damn as broken, and you can't hold it all back.
“And that's why you've got to have other people with you, because you can't hold it all back.”
Right. Okay. All right. I hate this for you. Me too. You have an army of people with you, okay? I appreciate that a lot.
And make no mistake. Your steps forward are very, very hard. Finding a place to live, finding bills, moving the couch out, taking your clothes, all of that stuff. There's a reality to that that people don't think through sometimes, and it's all hard. All of it. Okay. You're right. And I'm ready to do that. And staying will kill you from the inside out.
You're right about that. It's been in horrible a few weeks and I think I've been ready to make that decision. I just, I just, validation in that regard. Yeah. I just want to walk away like I don't even want to tell him like I just want to be done with the situation. Okay. Today. And that's good. Do it's right today. Right. And then tomorrow you'll do it's right tomorrow.
And the day after that and the day after that. And there'll be days you don't want to get out of bed and there's going to be days that you feel great. There's going to be days that you are so overwhelmed with rage and anger.
There's going to days be days that you second guess yourself and you're like, I'm crazy.
It wasn't that, but you all of that is completely normal.
“You're going to feel nuts. And that's what I'm telling you. You're not crazy.”
And for those moments when your body's just ping pong on all over the place trying to make sense of a new world that you now live in, where somebody you were going to marry would hurt you and take advantage of you in that way. And it's in such an amazingly vulnerable moment. That's what you got to have other people with you so they can see clearly when you can't. Okay.
With all my heart and all my spirit and all my guts, I hate this app and to you. You call anytime. Thanks for trusting me. Today's day one. We come back a woman asks how to talk to her kids about her weight loss journey in a healthy way.
Love this question. Be right back. Hey, I want to take a second and talk to you about love. Not the Titanic.
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Go to zander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 and get term life insurance the right way. That's zander.com. All right, let's go out to a Phoenix, Arizona and talk to Lauren. What's up, Lauren? Hey, Dr. John. I am so excited to be here talking to you today. I'm excited. No, thank you. I'm excited to be talking to you. What's going on? So I am currently on a health journey and a byproduct of that health journey is going to be a
Pretty significant amount of weight loss plus or minus like 130 pounds.
practice was sparked this journey? I'm just done. I need longevity in my life. I have lots of genetic risk factors for diabetes, heart conditions, cancers, and the path on my now is just
“it won't get me to that goal. Can I tell you, like I'm so proud of you?”
Thanks. It's been a long time coming. Yeah, I said, but you get to that second time to be
in a second tired moment, right? Yeah, it just, it has to happen and I've worked through a lot of stuff that has brought the fear of losing it up and I'm just ready to like get past those feelings and take them head on and you're so proud. Yes, I'm so proud of you. All right, so how can I help? So my question today is, how do I talk to my kids about the impending body changes in way that's positive and constructive, but doesn't make them feel like they have to change anything
about themselves. Gotcha. So, man, it's such a great question. Good on you for asking that question.
That's amazing. I'm so worried that I'm going to screw them up, John. Oh, we're all going to screw
“up our kids. It's all good. It's all good. As long as I know that we love them for all of the”
and who they are, is awesome. All right, so are your kids overweight? Well, I guess they're not. No, my kids are very healthy. My son has a higher BMI, but he is, he's kind of on the shorter side, but he's really stocky. Is that a six-foot six? So they have tall jeans in them? Yeah. Okay, so and BMI is great at the epidemiological level at the society level, but there's so much new ones. My BMI is technically puts me in the not ideal category, but I'm a muscular guy. I'm a big guy.
And so, but over, but people who sew it out and like, it's stupid. It's not if you look at like a population level and it doesn't tell a full story. So all I'd say is here's the greatest gift you can give your kids right now is to let their mom, see their mom celebrate wins, see their mom be sad, and see their mom keep going. Where this could get sideways is, is if you pledge your allegiance to the number on a scale. Right. If you pledge your allegiance to a dress size.
Now, you and I, I am working towards a target number right now for weight. Okay. Right. I'm not losing any, I'm near anywhere the courage you have right now. Okay, I don't, right. But you and I both know it would be unreasonable for us to not say, hey, there's a number we'd like to hit. Right. I don't announce that number to my kids. Okay. I do make sure, well, I mean, we have a gym in our garage. So I make sure that I'm working out. Both of my kids as they walked out
“the door to day to go to school, saw their dad lifting weights. Okay. That's what's important.”
Both of my kids see me eat relatively healthy. And last night, I took my daughter on a date and we got a milkshake and she saw that too. Okay. What she didn't know is it was, I was keeping a ballpark of my clock intake for the day. She didn't know that. Right. Right. But she saw her dance smiling. We laughed and then we went, tried on dress, I didn't try on dresses, but she did. All right. So, but like, so it's, it's seeing a healthy picture of what life looks like. Okay.
So I have a lot of cognitive dissonance around this because I have felt the need to be smaller, like the, the show does. I should sense I was in sixth grade. I can remember the first time I
became aware of my body. And I've always been told I should be smaller. And so for a majority of my life,
a lot of it was internalized because of the ways that other people talked about their own bodies and their own weight. And there were some things specifically like an eighth grade I went on weight watchers. When I was 16, I went to the pediatrician for a sports physical and was told that I was obese. And I was full-time sports. So I've always known that I've kind of always been quote-unquote bigger. But I did a lot of untangling work with somebody and peel back the layers of that and then
went, oh, I don't have to listen to anything. I can do whatever I want. And I did do whatever I want for a couple of years. And now I'm in this position. Right. Right. I show you. I had no self-control, I had no moderation. I didn't have any of that and went off the wagon. And you know, this is the
Stupid tax court, right?
can I pop them in there for you? Absolutely. And these are world-renowned health-of-fitness guys. And little sayings that I've caught myself saying over the last few years, and that have, I mean, my whole life that I've changed over the last few years. There's no bad foods. There's unhealthy amounts. Right. Right. And so I don't ever want to demonize something with my kids like that. Like, this is bad for you. Like, we call, like, if you listen to show, you know,
I love gummy candies. Like, I call them garbage. Like, like, dad, are you going to get some garbage tonight at the movies? I'm like, yep, I'm eating garbage. Right. I want them to know. That's not good, but I'm making a choice, too. Right. And what I'm teaching them in the moment is,
“I'm in control of what I'm doing next, even if I think a bad decision. Right. I don't ever want”
them to feel powerless to food like I have for a lot of my life. Yeah. Right. And so we're never
going to stay like, we don't eat cake in this house. We might say, we're going to make, I'm going to make a smaller birthday cake and we're just going to have one at one. We're going to have it tonight. I don't have a small piece. And they don't need to know that that hit your calorie goal and you had to, you didn't eat X Y Z for breakfast or what it like, they don't need to know all the details of that kind of stuff. Right. They're going to watch what you do. And so when, when my
body is changing because 130 pounds is losing like an entire person. Right. So exactly. It's going, and my husband's also on this journey with me. He's, he started a few months prior to me and I
“talked to him about my fears and he was the one who really grounded me in, like you're letting”
your, your fear of your kids feeling possibly feeling a certain way about themselves. Hey, man. Uh, he, you know, my feelings were being my barometer. My husband talked to me clearly and kindly and said, this is, this is not a good excuse. And so he's exactly right. He's exactly right. He's a wonderful man. He's really loved the charge on this and doing it together helps. But like, how do I talk, like, if they ask a question, like, mom, why is your belly getting smaller? Mom, uh, like,
how do I say that plainly, in fact, surely without, I don't, I don't want it to be a big deal, but they're, my five year old son is so intuitive. So this is everything. I want to be able to talk to him plainly and also not make it a big deal. You know, it is very important that you do
never lie to him. So mommy, why is your belly getting so much smaller? Because I'm exercising
and I'm eating really healthy food. I'm taking care of myself. Period. And he'll go, oh, okay. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, inhale, go on about it today. Okay. And in, well, this, like, your marriage will change. You're a sense of yourself in the world will change. And I don't know how
“to say this in a, right? It's not about to say it. I was like, that's probably not the best way to say that.”
Cannonball. Um, yeah, thank you, using my words against me. There is a, um, just no for, I'm making up a number here. Totally making this up. But for every 10 to 25 pounds you lose, you'll unearth things. Yeah. Right. And you'll feel empowered some days. You'll feel shameful some days. You'll feel embarrassed some days. You'll feel frustrated some days. Just part of it. And so it's, it's less about on avoid all that stuff. And there's just power and knowing it's coming. Yeah. All right. And then you're
going to start sleeping so much better. And you're, yeah. Yeah. And your knees aren't going to hurt as much and you're back one hurt as much. And then you'll start to say things like, I can't believe I. And then you're going to really grieve the last few years. Yeah. And then you'll look at your husband, who, by the way, he will lose weight a hundred X faster than you. Oh, yeah. I already know that. And it will make you hate everything. And that's normal. All right. And then he'll start saying
things like, why don't you just, and you'd be like, why aren't you just? Right. All that's coming. And so it's, it's, it's, it's less about trying to avoid all of that and having a good model.
A good system for when it does. Okay. And so here's what I'd recommend. You and him have a
five minute check in every week. Like, all right. How are we feeling? What were your wins this week? What your loss is this week? Yeah. Right. And hopefully people have told you this. And if you haven't, this can be nightmarish. Your, your weight loss journey will be like a stock market ticker. Just the wrong way. And what I mean by that is there will be weeks that you do everything perfectly.
For some unknown reason, your body will hang on to retain fluid and your weig...
Yeah. And you'll be like, ah, that sucks. And you're right to go all that sucks. And you're right to go.
“That's disappointing. And then you have a choice. Are you going to go bury that in old habits?”
Or are you going to be like, all right. I'm going to stay on the path. Right. Um, uh, my buddy Jordan sciat calls it the woosh, which is staying the same on the scale, staying the same, staying the same goes up two pounds, staying the same. And then whoon down seven. And so it's just hanging there for that. I'm trying really hard not to focus as much on the weight because I know when I'm making the right choices, my body's going to do what needs to do. There you go. So I've made
some like really explicit goals that don't have to do with weight, like, yes, getting my A1 sealer or getting like, I want to be able to do, I've been working out consistently. My body feels good. I want to be able to do a push-up again. Yes, you know. Yes. Like there's certain things like that that I'm like these are markers of success that have nothing to do with the scale. Yes. But I also,
“but I also want to celebrate like the scale number. So I appreciate the advice to not talk to them”
about the number and that that that's nothing that needs to be there concern because when I was little, a lot of that was stuff that I internalized. I might somebody would say, oh, you know, if I could just as less than pounds. And then I'd see that I was 30 pounds more than them. So I said, oh, I probably should lose 40 pounds. Exactly. Right. It was a lot of those should. Yes. So I've been trying really hard to use markers like that. It's like my goal for the years to be able to do
full push-ups again or stuff like that. That, I mean, you are so far ahead. Amazing.
And I don't want to put my bricks in your backpack, but the number will be back there in the back your mind. Of course. And it's there's a piece of it that it is a marker, right? It's just like a PMI where it's, but it's not as nearly as a part. Or right. You've got, you've got your head screwed on straight kind of way. I wish I had a long time ago, which is if I can run a mile, if I can do three push-ups, if I can do these things, the weight will take care of itself.
Right. And that's awesome. Okay. Amazing. But yeah, the Salto stuff, I know with the mind pump guys, I've talked about this a lot on the show, but when he told me, if you're doing this stuff, if you're trying to change your body composition, if you're trying to lose weight, you're trying to get bigger, if you're trying to get muscles, whatever. If you're doing this because you think you're gross, or you're doing this because you don't want to die. You'll quit
every time. Right. If you wake up every day and say, I'm worth an hour. Right. If you wake up every day and say, I want to feel the best I possibly can today. And so I'm a sleep tonight, which means I got to turn YouTube off. I'm going to eat right. I'm going to eat healthy. And I want to feel good. Then you'll do that the rest of your life because it's about it just even the habit of the same,
“but it changes your motivation. So when your kids ask, mommy, why don't you tell me again, smaller?”
Cause I want to feel great. And I've been exercising, I've been taking care of eating really
delicious healthy foods. Oh, okay. One of the next. And that's amazing. And yeah, I'll even
it at that. I'm proud of you, Lauren. Hey, do me a favor and keep us up to date with your journey. We'd love to celebrate you as you hit your milestones. And when you hit that first push up, send us a note, we'll cheer for you. And when you get that magic number that you want, we'll celebrate you too. grateful for you. We'll be right back. I just got back home from an amazing elk hunting trip in the mountains of New Mexico. I was with my son and some other men in their
sons and all of us were using Montana Knife Company knives for the duration of our trip. Why? Because Montana Knife Company knives rule. They're designed and tested and built right here in the USA. Buy real hunters. And when we got back to our hunting camp and we got back home, we used Montana Knife Company kitchen knives to cook and eat and prepare our meals. Why? Because they're also amazing. They're razor sharp right out of the box. They're tough enough to be used
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Company dot com. All right, Kelly, what do we got? All right, we have an amount of the problem from Sarah
in. Fondulac was constant. That's fancy. Fondue, I wonder if he lots of. I like Fondue.
“How did cheese? Did I say that? I don't think Potted Cheese is a thing. I think Fondue is French”
for Potted Cheese. No, it's when you take the cheese and you put it in the oil or the the cheese or the chocolate. All right, Fancy's sophisticated. Can't hide money. Can we kill your cheese? Whatever, any who. All right, Sarah writes. Our son who's almost 21 is getting married to his fiance next year. They've been together for a bit more than a year and have been living together for at least the last eight months. I hate it, but it's his choice to make. They also have a new house
or their house hunting with no down payment. Both employed full-time, he has a very good job and an apprenticeship. So I believe that our son should be paying his own insurance. The plan is the same coverage as it would be under us. And since they are now grown enough to marry by a house and to live together, he's grown enough to pay all of his own expenses, especially by the time they get married. My husband disagrees. He thinks it's not worth the quote-unquote confrontation
“and that we should just let it go because he's a good kid. Am I being unrealistic or too harsh?”
No, she's you're being exactly realistic. Good for you. Awesome. So there's two things that play here. One, yes, when your kid becomes an adult, they need to pay for adult things. It blows my mind to this day when I have a buddy who's 30 and he's still on his family cell phone plan. Like, that's madness to me. But that's the world we're in right now. Or that your dad's still pays your mom still pays your car insurance in your 29 years or like that's nuts to me. And here's the
bigger picture. Mom's and dad's get to have their values. They do. And if you raise your kids to be independent thinkers and contributors and questioners and doers and they have permission to fail and succeed, they're going to end up with values that are different than yours. And if you're funding any part of their life, you get to make whatever rules you want to make because it's your money. And I don't know how this got controversial. But there's a whole swath of the world that's
like, hey, I want to do whatever I want to do, but you still need to pay for this. And so I reject that whole heartedly. If mom and by the way, if your husband says, hey, this is a good kid. I remember struggling super, super hard. I want to help him launch out. Then let's sit down and have that direct conversation. We're going to pay this much for this long to help you get started and then this is over. Otherwise, it becomes this kind of entitlement drip forever and then it just gets gross and weird
and all the lines get blurry. But also, you get to say, here's what we're going to do and here's
our going to help you and here's my rules. And you can make up whatever rules you want and they can be out landish and crazy at your money. And then the person receiving the money gets to make a choice, don't know, live by those rules and accept the gift or don't walk away from the gift. And there's times in my life. And by the way, this works with employers, too. Like, there's times in my life when I have said, I don't like this, but I want that money or I want that gas card or I want that whatever.
And so I'll live by this. Here we go. And I was begrudging, all I do is make myself miserable. And so here's the key here. Clarity. Clarity is kindness here. So you and your husband sit down and say, okay, how long are we going to support him and in what ways? And he can be a good kid, a great kid, an awesome young man, and still have different values at us that we don't want to support. Both things are true. And so if you're thinking, I don't want to pay for anything because
I want to punish him because he's doing things I don't agree with, have that conversation with your
husband. And if your husband is having flashbacks to being broke when y'all first got married and
he doesn't want his son to go through that stuff, I get that. Had that conversation.
“But let's get to the thing beneath the thing, beneath the thing. But no, I think if you're”
old enough to get married in my house, you're old, you're for sure old enough to pay for your own insurance. Jesus, love you guys. Bye.
