My School Project Turned Into A Porn Addiction

technologies like robotics and AI specifically in the realm of relational communication

and it stands a little bit into sexual communication and I didn't realize I flew a little bit too close to time and yeah I got hooked. Hey what's going on? What's up? This is John with Dr. John Deloni's show. That's so glad that you are here. Taking your calls, real people with real challenges from all over the planet about their

relationships, their mental, emotional health.

“What's going on with your kids? What's going on in there?”

Sex lives, what's going on in there?

Church is whatever you got going on in your life.

I'm I'm going to pull up a seat and you're going to pull up a seat. We're going to figure out what's the next right move. Hey, one thing that makes a huge difference is if you're a regular listener to the show and I travel all over the country speaking to doing live events and hanging out folks and so many of you tell me like you do not miss an episode.

Monning was a Friday. I'm so grateful for that. If you listen to a particular episode and it makes it it's impactful for you or you know someone your life. Hey, this is going to be important for them. They need to hear this. Please do me a favor, do them a favor and share the show. That makes a huge difference for the algorithms and it kicks the show up and

it's just a it's a a way to help what we're doing here and it doesn't cost any money just costs a few seconds of your time. Thank you so, so much.

“It's got to Dallas, Texas and talk to the mighty Dawn. What's up, Dawn?”

Good morning, how are you? I'm all right, brother, how are you, man? I, yeah, you know, I normally say snow day in paradise, but I don't know if that's true today. All right, man. Well, I'm here with you. So what's up, brother?

Yeah, I am so I'm going to try and come laying out and say it's it's really hard to I've been recently struggling with these cycles of addiction and it stems from a few different things, you know, alcohol, cigars, that's not as bad, video games, but most recently, it's pornography and specifically AI pornography. Okay, gotcha, huh? It's here. Yeah, that's here. Yes. Tell me about it, man. Yeah, so let's see a

little bit of context. I'm in the process of becoming a social scientist and I did a book report and a presentation on emerging technologies like robotics and AI specifically in the realm of relational communication and it stands a little bit into sexual communication and I did an investigation on it and I was fine and I didn't realize I flew a little bit too close to the sun and yeah, I got hooked. Yeah, I got hooked. Yeah. How old are you? Yes, the

Wopper 26. Why is that a Wopper? I don't know. I feel like many of the other aspects of my life. I feel like a healthy man. I eat well. Got a decent friend group. I've got hobbies. You don't have purpose though. Well, I feel like I do what I mean. Well, like I said, social scientist, I'm going to teach deep program and it's a blessing. I enjoy every, every second of that. But yeah, but that passion. But what's it? Passion. Let's take that off the table for a

second. I think that's an abused word in our culture. It's almost nonsense. It's almost lost into meaning. It's like a get out of jail card. Why do you want to be a social scientist?

“Yeah, let's a great question. I think the only thing I bleed back into is when all the kid”

was always interested in people. I did want to study them. I was always fascinated by how

we communicate, why we communicate, why we build relationships, why we maintain them, why we break them down, or break them up. But what is that? And I'm going to quote one of my old dissertation advisors, the great Dr. John Murray, who would always at the end of every dissertation defense, ask one question. So what? You've given us your research, you've given us your findings. How does this help humanity? How does this help your neighbor? Because if you just did some sort of

masturbatory exercise and I can do statistics and I can answer big question, I can study something, but you didn't help anybody. Then we've always said our time. And I loved that idea. So, you love studying people. Awesome. I love that you love something. That's amazing. You love figuring out why relationships break down, how people can communicate better, all that's awesome. What's your end goal with that?

That's a great question. Because similar to what you've experienced with your girlfriends,

and write articles instantly, then already can. Dang, I can't really have a profit that way. Or, when you walk across the stage with your doctorate degree, a PhD and whatever social

science field you're in, then what? You know, I'd always shot for something like a enjoyment,

really. And enjoyment is good. I'll tell you that can, that's a really shallow pool to swim in. I'm in study and marriage, as though I'm doing another dissertation for the last two years, like pathologically studying it. And to the expense of my health, to my sleep, like when I get obsessed with the thing, I get obsessed with the thing. There's been long seasons where I'm not enjoying any of it. But I'm committed to the purpose of it, which is, can I answer this question

“as marriage to a worth it? And if so, how can I help people have better one? Better marriages?”

You give them sand? Yes. And if I just seek enjoyment, that's just such a shallow pool. Yeah. I think, uh, sorry to interrupt. No, you're good, man. Go ahead.

I think the way my mind works and the way I was raised is that there's always, um, you know,

I think it does seem like a shallow purpose, at least in my life. It's always, you know, set yourself up for success and be successful monetarily, financially, spiritually, all the aspects. So the whole purpose thing, I suppose, haven't pushed out. It's a great degree. You're going to find yourself as a social scientist. You'll know exactly what I'm talking about.

“You're going to find yourself quote unquote successful. You're going to find yourself quote unquote”

financially secure. You're going to find yourself fill in the blank. You'll achieve all of your

quote unquote goals and you'll have nothing. And here's why this matters to you struggling with a pornography addiction. Your body knows that there's no purpose here, that we are going through the motions and that exhaustion that feeling dead in your own skin comes out in the form of compulsion comes out in obsessive thoughts and it comes out in over time addictive behaviors. So I can ask you this, I'm curious, so I can kind of split up my life for things like into segments.

And I may not be healthy, but so let's take spirituality for instance. I can easily say my purpose there is to glorify God. I'd like to think I'm faithful, but I'd like to think. How do I incorporate that into everything else? I mean, to me, that seems like it seems like a pretty good purpose. But I can't tell why not that it's not working. It's too simple, but are you trying to, and are you trying to glorify God? Because you think he's going to be pissed off at you and you're going

to burn in hell for eternity if you don't. But not necessarily. I think sometimes it's an truth to thought that comes in. Okay, or are you glorify God because that the map that he gave you to live brings peace because you know, come what may through every storm at a life. I'm seen, and I'm known, I'm loved, which is the anchor point at all social science. It's a big toilet ball that they've been circling for centuries. Then the end of the day, people need to be seen and

“know and celebrate it. Period. And that's what that faith gives you.”

Yeah, absolutely. And I feel that a lot of times I just, but do you feel it? Do you believe it? Do you act on it? You know, I want to say yes, but it would be a discrepancy because I keep falling back in these cycles, man. Yeah. Okay, so you brought up faith and that's so that's a big deal to you. Yes, sir. I'll use your words glorify God. It's a big deal to you. Yes, sir. To what end? To what end? Meaning. I mean, if you were a, I know guys who went to got a theology degree and

went and became bartenders because they wanted to sit with exhausted, lonely, hurting people and

at a bar, I would tell them, you got to back out. And you have to find how am I going to take

this purpose of sitting with hurting people and use it somewhere else. So are you willing to, you've got to, you've got to hold open handedly. I want to study this particular thing. And it's more powerful than me. I can't objectively be a part of this. Are you willing to give that up? Yes, for that goal. Okay. Then I want you to think in those terms. Okay. And so the, I want you to read a book by the image he's extraordinary, the great

onalemkey. It's called dopamine nation. And as a social scientist, every single social scientist,

student, practitioner should read this book. It's a masterpiece. But here's what you got to do.

“You have to give yourself 30 or 60 days of cold turkey, come hell or high water. I'll get rid of my”

computer. I'll get rid of all drop out of classes. I will get rid of my phone. I will do whatever I'll put every hurdle possible in front of me to get to some marker of sobriety. And what you'll find is these AI love connections as they call them, which is not what they are. They are more powerful than any human could ever possibly be. In terms of affirmation, in terms of doing whatever you want, in terms of visual stimulation.

They're 24/7, 365. They never get tired. They never turn off.

They always tell you the next right thing. And it's hollow. Yeah, that's a great point. Fair. Yeah, absolutely. And if you decide, I'm going to go all in on this. Not because I'm disgusting. I'm a piece of crap. I'm a 26-year-old loser. But because I'm worth

real relationships.

“And let me challenge you. You said you got some good buddies?”

Yes, sir. Do they know you spend hours a day? Okay, they're not good buddies then. They're not connected to you in the way that your body would know I've got right or dies. Do you want freedom? Call some of your buddies that you trust? Go to an essay meeting. I think it's the great Renee Brown that said shame eats secrets for breakfast. Go bear it open.

Yep, I just want to sit with wow. Hold on, it's not a lot to sit with. It's a lot to do. And you're a social scientist who spends the large amount of the majority of your life in your head and it's killing you. So it's going to take radical vulnerability with the group of people. And if you don't have close friends and you don't think what weaponized this is going to cost you your job cost you're then go to an essay meeting. I promise they're all over Dallas.

And since you're a person of faith, you can go to a faith basement if that makes you feel more comfortable. Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes those are great. Sometimes those are filled with people hitting you in the face with Bibles. I'm a person of faith and I probably would not go to a faith based one. I would go to one where I could be fully honest and have to perform. Everybody's different. And you got to make a commitment on a limkey style of 30 to 60 days of

come hell or high water come what may. I will not do this thing. And I will put every possible roadblock in my life to keep me from doing it. Okay. I see portions of me doing it. Like I've I've tried putting content restrictions on my phone. Yeah. You can't be your own accountability partner. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I don't know why didn't she let tell me how. Bro, it's all right. This is why you share. This is why you open up. This is why what you're

“doing right now is step one. It's day one of extraordinary courage and bravery. That's why”

I'm not beating you up to you. That's why I'm sitting here with you. I'm honored to be talking to you. Hallelujah. Yeah. Appreciate that. And by the way, I'm here a little emotional.

My anxiety's bigger than me. My addictions are bigger than me. My depression is bigger than me. My

marriage challenges are bigger than me. I am as they say. I am powerless. And I don't think that powerlessness lasts forever, but I do think there's an important moment of, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And you cannot do what comes next alone. Okay. And you're going to find a massive purpose-sized hole in the middle of your chest when you take out your numbing agents. When you take out

“the things, addictions, here's the thing they work. They're awesome. And then they kill you. They take”

everything from you. Including, including what I think maybe, I mean, you lose your relationship, you lose your friendships, you lose, you lose your job, but I think it robes you of your dignity. It robes you of looking yourself in the mirror and saying, I love that guy. I love that guy enough to delay. Delay gratification. I can get it all right now from an AI pornbot. I can't. I can get all right now, but it's a copy of a copy. It's a shallow hack. It's a really thin, like shallow pool.

Or I can fumble through fall, be vulnerable, accept somebody else's shortcomings and vulnerabilities and develop a real relationship and say, I choose you till death through as part. We're going to anchor and sing together and we're going to build a true romantic connection over time. It's not following our passion. That is making a choice. I'm going to live into this because I'm worth

“this year, worth this, we're worth this, our family, trees, or worth this. At least for the time being,”

no AI bot can give us that. It's been an honor to talk to you, my brother. Thank you for calling. You call back anytime. I can be of support with you as you're walking through this. Congratulations on your academic work. But listen, have a reason why you're doing it. Have a picture of somebody you're going to help on the other end of this and it may just be that you're journey through flying really close to the sun and getting catching on fire and crashing to Earth,

that might make you one of the great social scientists of your time. The ability to study people and be connected to them to know what they've been through. You're the man, brother. We come back a woman asks if she should tell her husband that she doesn't like his gifts. Oh, this is going to be good. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Financial stress does not just damage our bank accounts. It can also damage our mental and emotional health and it can really take a toll on our relationships.

Money worries cause anxiety and they're one of the leading sources of conflict for couples. My wife and I struggled with money stress for years and it definitely had a negative impact on our relationship. Therapy can help even with money. Therapy is not about financial advice, but it is about helping you build healthier ways of coping with money stress

and giving you strategies to communicate about money without always going to war.

I want you to check out my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with the licensed therapist based on your goals and your preferences. BetterHelp Therapist work according to a strict code of conduct and they are fully licensed in the United States. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch at any time for no additional cost.

When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Visit BetterHelp.com/deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. HELP.com/deloney. All right, let's stay in Texas and go to Austin

“right down the road from Dallas and talk to Marie. Hey Marie, what's up?”

All right, Dr. John, how are you? I'm doing great. How about you? I'm doing pretty well. I've got to be great in my life as well. I'm very cool. What's up? I am calling because sometimes my husband gets me gifts. I don't like and I'm wondering if it's a good idea.

Like what? Like what? I'm laughing with you not at you. Like what? The one of the most prominent examples is I got an ornament as a gift when I gave birth to our

first child, our son. It was the most thoughtful gift to him in the options he had in the hospital

gift store. But to me, I was like, okay, normal. Okay. Yeah. That's just so hard. So I'm wondering if it's a good idea if I should start trying to teach him about things I like and if so, how I can go about it, he truly is like a thoughtful kind person and I don't want him to feel like a mask-related or her just pride. I don't like him control the ceiling. Yeah, yeah. I know.

And if it's pride and masculinity is tied to you will like everything I do, then that's a very

chihuahua size D. I mean, that's a, let's say, that's a, one of those, the Clifford, the big red dog

size D goes. But inside is a teeny little, tiny, barking chihuahua. So you, you set it perfectly

“and let's set the stage here, okay? Can I just be brutally honest with you, is that cool?”

Let's go for it. Part of me has deep compassion for this guy. He was anxious and nervous and scared for your health in ways that you probably have no idea and terrified he's going to mess something up and then he had the thought in the hospital, good God. I got, I want to give her something special and he ran down to the stupid gift shop. And so there is a component of that that I want to tell you, like, dude, get over yourself. He, he showed up to the hospital,

which is more than some men do these days, right? Yeah. The hospital is a bare minimum either when your kids born. You think, but I wouldn't have a job if everyone agreed on that. There's a lot of things I think are the bare minimum that people are like, what? And the other side of it is,

“I want to grab him by the ears and be like, bro, think about this before you're on the way to”

the hospital. Yeah. No, and I, I do appreciate the kindness. It didn't help that. Like, I had thought ahead. So I got him a custom book as written by his son. Okay, so now we're into the real stuff. When you start keeping score, your relationship will crash and burn. And so when it becomes, I did this, but you only did this. Now, you have a problem. And so I want you to take your, like, you verse him off the scoreboard and re, and put another scoreboard up that just has one score on it.

It's you and me versus the world. And you said it perfectly. And this is very unsexy, very unhollywood, and very countercultural. The greatest gift you could give him right now is a road map to what you want

and what you like. And in those few instances, what you need, that's an amazing gift. Can I tell you

“how to do that? That's what I'm looking for, that's what I called. Here's what I did in my own,”

I'm going to tell you exactly I did in my own house. So you can adjust this, however it works for y'all. What did your husband do for a living? Let me see if I can be creative here. He's a program manager. Incredible. Do you work outside the home? I do. What do you do? I'm also a program manager. Do you? Do y'all send each other like sexy love notes and via, uh, Excel spreadsheets? I waste for now. Oh, man. Hey, I'm in a house

where two nerds love each other and we are raising nerds and so. Yes, shout out to us first. B and D dice or shout out to your team that plays these. No, I will not shout that out. Although I just finished stranger things and it's so great. Okay, so here we go. Stranger things is a modern masterpiece.

All right, so I'm so shout out to the Dungeon Dragon's community. All right, so here's what I did with my

wife. She's an uh, she was a college professor in her former life. I was to, and so I said, hey, I realized over the last few years you've gotten into books. You've got into music. You've been studying different forms of spirituality and theology. You listen to different podcasts. Strangely, I don't know you like I once did. Will you make me a syllabus of you? Give me 10 podcasts. Give me 10 books. Let's set up a date where we can talk about five

things that we used to like in the bedroom in household chores, in like hanging out with family members and friends, all that. Five things we used to like that we don't anymore. What's five things about you that I don't know that you'd want to try that you'd want to and in my just talking about like sex stuff. That's part of it, but it's also gifts. It's also, I want to try other more people over again like we used to, right? It's those kind of things, but it's a syllabus. And so

for y'all, it might be, hey, you know how we have a project manager. I want to do an exercise where I want to become the project manager of you and I want you to become the project manager of me, which means I would love to get to know you again. We have all new marriage. We have new kids. The marriage we had is over. We have a new one now and we get to program and how we want to. And that takes the pressure off of, I didn't really like that gift because can I tell you something

me, do I like it? I was trying to smile and people like him, I've forked time he asked me. I'm like, okay, you know. How do you know what says true love is that can read my mind? And that's nonsense. True love is. I love you enough to tell you what I want. And this is very unpopular. True love is a month out. When you know he's stressed out of his mind at work and he's exhausted and he's running and

going and trying to figure out to be a dad in real time trying to change the oil and the car of his life while he's still driving on the highway saying, I'm doing something really special for you for the birth of our kid that's coming in 30 days. This is your, this is your reminder. Okay. You can't watch that's unsexy. It's not at all. But hey, it keeps you from, it maybe it's annoying, maybe it's frustrating, but it keeps you out of resentment. And it's saying, you know what? I know him.

I see him. And he doesn't forget these things because he doesn't love me. He forgets these things because he's got so much carrying so much up in his head trying to keep like this film. And I'm making up stories here right now. Like right? No, that's absolutely true. No, I can say that 100% certainty that is that's true. And so the greatest gift I can give my wife is not to expect her to love me. The way I want to be loved is to give her a map

and to ask for a map. You know what I'm saying? I am, I'm also writing notes. All right. So I would, I would like love him and say, I want us to get away for half a day and grit your teeth. Oh, this one's going to hurt. You get the child care. And I know you're like, again, really all the time. Yes, I do it all the same. Or, or tell him, I want you to get the child care.

And I'm getting us, I'm setting this thing up for us. But here's what I want. I want you to

send him a list. I want to know these five or ten things. And then grit your teeth and listen to the podcast. Read at least one or two of the books. Listen to one or two or three of the albums of the songs. Not all of them. And trust me, my wife is into historical fiction. She loves studying the dust bowl. She loves exploring ancient spirituality.

She listens to podcasts that sometimes make me want to set my face on fire just to see if I still feel pain. And vice versa. All right. So it's not like I have to do this all the time. But it's I want to get to know you.

“And then that's going to give me the opportunity for curiosity. What is it about this music?”

This feels so chaotic and sane. Crazy. What is it about this?

One say, it basically wants a semester because we still live on semester schedules of miles.

We just did it for so long. Once a semester, she's like pick a comedian for me to go watch with you. And so I curate that very carefully and often I'm right now. There's a few that she came to. I was dying laughing. I look over and she was not having it. All right. But she'll go with me. She'll go to a punk rock show with me. If I'm like, please, please, please, awesome. And I'll go to a

theater production. I love going to theater productions. But I'll go to one. I'm musical. That I'm, I mean, I'll be into because I'm passionate about what she, I'm not passionate about what she's passionate about. I'm passionate that she's passionate about something.

“You know what I'm saying? I think you do. It's a thing underneath the thing.”

Like, I want you to be passionate. Not about the gift he did or didn't give you. I want you to be passionate about the fact that he's wild about you. Yeah, yeah. So let's give him some clues and some, and some a path on how to direct that wildness right at your, in the middle of your chest. Yeah. I think I just need to do a better job at giving him a heads up of, hey, by the way, you know, clocks a thicken on. Well, it, like, I don't, do your best not to moralize this, okay?

What do you mean? I need to do better. I failed. I screwed up. No, you didn't. If I had to go 51-49 on this one, like, whose fault was this? I'll blame him. Like, if, if you're both sitting with me, I would laughingly look at him and go do you believe this one. Give shop really ornament. Yeah. In June, great. Good one. Right, I, I would, I would

“point it him. But I would look back at you and say, how much has this guy carry all the time?”

A lot, a lot. He, he's an amazing person. I love him deeply. And that's why, like, the

more of a, I could have spent that money on groceries and enjoyed it and ate them. Well, and also, is it not a proxy for, like buying somebody a gift that they don't want over and over and over again, or it can be a proxy, it can, it can, it can, not a proxy. It can be an example of, I don't feel seen in known in my own house. Yeah, it doesn't give me a proxy for that, but um, overall, I say, we're pretty good. You, you are. I mean, and that's where I'm going to allow myself

to be seen and allow myself to be known. And that's a very vulnerable thing, because it cause he might choose to not do it. And now we got to deal with it. Yeah. But he doesn't sound like that kind of guy. He's not that kind of guy. Yeah, he will. He might be a little sad, but he used these like a dude. Give home your road map and honor him by saying, and love him well by saying, I want to road map for you. And you might think you know, you, you might not. Okay, you might not.

So, so here's, here's, here's the deal. I'm going to get with this. All right, you ready for Marie? I'm ready. I'm going to hook you up with you and your husband for a year with the together app.

Oh, great. Okay. And here's what it is. It's microhabits. It's a thing he can do every day towards you.

And it's a thing that you can do every day towards him. And it gives you all connecting points, not in huge fireworks shows. But in tiny steps towards each other. Okay. So hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with a year of it for free. You and your husband y'all can get it all together. It's awesome. It's got it. It's, it's, it's helping people ways that I, I did not, I couldn't have imagined. But I'll hook you all up with that. And it will give you all an opportunity, a crack in the

door to have this conversation. But I don't think you need a crack in the door. It sounds like he's got

“that door wide open. And if he's sad, you have to begin to practice. It's not my job to go”

rescue his sad feelings. I need to be able to tell the truth to be honest and safe inside my own marriage. And yes, he's going to have his feelings hurt. But I'm not going to rescue him from that. Those are his feelings. And then he used to choose to do the next right thing. And so do you. It's awesome. Awesome, Marie. I love talking to couples who are trying to get it right and he love each other more than life itself. That's awesome. Awesome. Awesome. We come back. A woman asks

if she is wrong for believing that dating after a spouse dies is okay. Right back. For years, I thought that sleep was for losers and for weak people. I kept pushing and pushing in my work with my relationships with my hobbies. And of course, I crashed. I started focusing on my sleep. And one of the things I did to focus on my sleep was I started checking out

“great mattresses. And that's how I ended up sleeping on a helix mattress. When you're exhausted,”

everything feels heavier, harder and more complex. Because your body is always keeping track of how

much you are or are not sleeping. I've had mine for a couple of years now and I track my sleep. And I've seen a powerful difference in my deep sleep and in my REM sleep. It's made a huge difference. And helix can make a difference for you too. I want you to get online, take their sleep quiz, it takes like two minutes and they'll match you with the mattress that is just right for how you actually sleep. Because we all sleep different. helix mattresses will ship straight to your door

and you get a hundred and twenty-night sleep trial and it's backed by a limited lifetime warranty. As we head into spring, everyone's talking about resetting your routines and getting ready for the summer. Remember, your routine starts and ends with good sleep. Go to helix sleep.com/deloney and get 20% off site wide during their spring savings event. That's helix H-E-L-I-X helix sleep.com/deloney

for 20% off. And be sure you tell them you heard about their amazing mattresses right here

on the Dr. John Deloni Show. With helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Kansas City Kansas, let's go to Joe. What's up, Joe? Hi, hi, Dr. John. How are you? Great. How about you? I'm remarkable. I'm running a scam called the podcast. It's the best. What's going on? Awesome. Yeah, thank you for taking this call.

So, I feel like I have to give just a little bit of backstory. But my husband and I have been married 15 years. Great, really, overall, awesome marriage. Not

“perfect, but strong and solid. And we have it. We align on most things. And that's why this,”

we had a situation about almost a year ago. So, after church, we come home. And I just casually mentioned that I thought it was so cute that a couple from from church, they're in their 80s and they were holding hands in the back. And it just formed my heart. I did it kind of as like

And I was like, he's kind of a Joker. Right? He was like, it's not appropriate. And he's a Joker.

Like, he's funny. And so, I was like, well, they weren't making out back there. Like, they were just holding hands and gosh, I thought it was super cute. So, we're making it. And all these 80s,

“right? That's how I feel. And so, he, he said he was like, when you, I made a, like, it kind of”

spiraled into the, the topic, you know, the conversation of like after after death, is it okay to to remarry or to date or to anything. And he just looked at me and he's like, I committed to you. Like, I'm in it with you. And I was probably not my best move back. Oh, it's like, yeah, you're death, right? That's the point. And then you're free. Yes. You do whatever. You know, you move on or so we, so I just kind of like, I could tell it was like, stressy with him and thought,

this is just kind of crazy. So I moved on. And then probably not my best next move was, which is why I'm calling now. Okay. So we, you're already my hero today. Right? I'm probably not his, but so, we have some really close friends. And they were over one night and we were having wine just hanging out and so I brought up the, brought it up. I was like, hey, what do you guys think about this? We were having, we were talking about the couple. Like, there's so cute

Roy and Irene, this is how I see it. And he, like, thinks this is not okay. And, you know, my girlfriend being a good girlfriend was like, yeah, seriously, this is, it's okay, you know, that it's cute, it's companionship. And, you know, we went on to like, it's not even sexual, probably, at that. But if it is, it is, right? How about it? But it's more about just the companionship. And he just really kind of doubled down on it. And this has been months and months ago. And it

isn't something that like really like, plays in my mind all the time. But I listened to your show often. And I thought it would be like a, like, a, a, a, a problem. So I kind of picked her to meeting

“like that. And then I got the curve wall with the call. Oh, oh, I think this is a great conversation.”

And I'll answer it this way. Yeah. In my house, my wife has very specific requests for who I date and marry if she were to die. Okay. And one of the main requests is, I won't say it on the air, because she said it jokingly. But I think she kind of wasn't joking. But she gave me some very clear instructions that wouldn't fit in either of our moral situations. But our values, but it was, it was, please don't get married three weeks after I die. Right. And because she knows, I'm going

to vote. Well, it wasn't even that. She goes, I can, I actually in her in her mind, I'm dead. I don't care. I don't get a, I'm dead. What she was saying was, John, your emotional, I love dating. I love love. Okay. And she said, you also don't do well when you're alone. And so you will grab onto the first car that drives by and be like, this is my first car. And she, and we're laughing when she's doing all this, right? But she's like the kids will pay the price for that. So good to do all the crazy

you want to do. But right? And I said, I want you to marry somebody awesome and I want you to date. I want you to have all these adventures. And she looked at me and said, John, you're it for me.

“And, and here's the thing. I, I, we talked about it forever. We've talked about it multiple times,”

because I think it's hilarious. But she's like, I'm going to move to this particular location,

get it, get some cats. And no one will ever see me again ever. And here's, here's what I had to

wrestle with. She said this. She said, I've done marriage. I did it with you. I chose you. And to her credit. And she's just kind of filled me with hot air. She said, I can't do better than you. No. And she said, so the thought of me trying to run that back is, I'm not interested in that. And she is a very real lived experience. Her grandmother, one of the most amazing humans to ever walk the planet, was married to a literal, like, a World War II veteran who was on the

ground in Germany, five Nazis. Like, and he died 20, 30 years ago, and she never remarried. And she would always say, I had my husband. And my, my love and my care are going to go to my family, to my grandkids, to my neighbor. And she's just one of the most extraordinary women ever.

And so here's what I want to hold space for. I firmly, with all of my guts. Yes, if you're

spouse dies, it's still death does you all part. Right. I wouldn't probably tell your husband.

when I was in the throes of years of undell with anxiety, I was not well. Okay. I remember reading a book and my wife was reading a book and we were sitting a bed and I remember looking at her and I was like, oh gosh. And she's like, what? And I said, because I said it kind of in an over-dramatic

exaggerated way, which I know you could never imagine. And I would be like that. I looked at her and I was like,

best case scenario is I'm 95, you're 94, New Year's Rings True, like the New Year belt, like turns. We kiss each other and we both die at the same time and our children have to do all our dead bodies. And I said, she looked at me goes, what's the matter with you? And I said, any other situation is just worse than that. And I was like, that's the best case. And she was like,

“go to bed or go to therapist. Right. But here's the thing. That's the that's the dream, right?”

Yeah. You both get up and you're both walking to another room and you both fall down to and 99.99 99, 99% chance that won't be how it goes. Right. And so to use your words, yes, if you're spouse passes away, you're free. I didn't. That feels, I feel bad saying that. That's me. But it's true. But it's true on me out on that. Today again to love again. Yeah. And I'll tell you the the greatest wisdom I ever received was from somebody who used to work with me.

She's just, she's again. Man, I'm just surrounded by amazing awesome women and Kelly.

And she's amazing awesome too. But she, this woman told me her husband had passed away. And she was awesome. And I met her new husband. It was years later. I met her new husband. And I would not have on, like, if I just met her and met him, I wouldn't have put them together.

“And I was like, tell me about this guy. Like, how did you go back and get remarried?”

And she said, oh, I built a life with someone. I've done that. I raised kids. I created a home. We both worked. Like, I did that part of my life. Now, I married somebody who I love. And we're going to get old. And we're going to get unhealthy. And we're going to have as much fun as

humanly possible until our day our number gets called. And I loved that attitude.

Like, I'm not going to build a new, like, family unit. Right. You and me, right or die. We're going to have the most fun ever. We're going to get old. And our knees are going to hurt. We're going to teach other doctor appointments. And we're going to go out on the lake. And we're going to, like, man, that sounds awesome to me. That sounds like my wife's worst nightmare. And so I want to keep it from one is right and one is wrong. And I want to open

handedly say, I want to have compassion for your husband. I can't psychologically picture you in the hands of another man. So I'm not going to ever your mind. And I love that. And he doesn't get to tell you what you get to do after he dies. Fair. Yeah, agreed. And so it's just holding space for each individual person's home. And I'm going to tell you, I took it personal. Well, my wife said, I'm done being married. I was like, well,

what have I made this not awesome to like where you'd want to go do this again? And she was like, hey, no, not at all. But me, she's like, it doesn't get more awesome than this. And I don't want to run that back. Right. And so all it to say is everybody's different. And so I think making a blanket has to be this way. Some people are going to say, no, I found my love. And now I'm going to take the energy and compassion and whatever I have. And I'm going to express it in the

world in other ways. And me, I'm going to give it three weeks. And then I'm hitting the scene. I'm going to get all the apps. Three weeks and one day. Why, right? And all that's. Yeah, dude, not really. I'd be a lost basket. You'd find me in the woods, haggard. I can just imagine Kelly coming after me in the woods. And I'm like, haven't bathed in months. And I'm just like, oh, yeah, she's like, hey, we need, I've got a job. We need to keep making shows. But I would be a disaster.

I'd be a train rack. How do you, like, I, I so appreciate that. And I can, I can see that. I, where I get, and maybe I'm making it to personal. Like, how do I feel like I would continue to

“honor him? Like, when that's real life is, obviously, I don't want that to happen. I want to be”

94. 95, but if he does pass it away, I don't even know knowing how he feels like how could I even think about it. Does that make sense? Totally. And what I would tell you is one of the

the present. I know. And so let's close that bridge when we get there. Okay, yeah.

Because he may be holding your head. You're, I mean, holding your hand as he passes away. And look at you and say, go live a crazy wildlife. Sure. Just make sure he's handsome. I or whatever, or he may look at you and say, if you ever hold a hand of another man, I will haunt you until right. Like, let's let that moment happen and then we'll deal with that moment. Sure. That's good. Yeah. But like, projecting that out right now, I wouldn't spend a lot of energy on that. The

Gottman's talk about this, I think it's 69, 70% of marital conflict like this is perpetual. It, it won't be solved. You know, I just got a different beliefs on a thing. Yeah. And so there is a space inside of a marriage for an arms agreement. Like, we know those are in the closet. We're just going to both agree to not fire those rockets off. Can we disagree on it? I like that. Yeah. And it feels like, oh, we're disconnected. But no, we're mutually both deciding. Yeah,

we'll see those rockets where they are. Yeah. That makes. Because the thought of you being super

“lonely for the rest of your life is terrifying. And the thought of dishonoring your husband is terrifying.”

Let's solve that one again there. Right. Yeah. Absolutely. That's great. Is it fair? It doesn't impact you today. Absolutely. Oh, no, no. There's a place for you to rest in to that guy. That guy loves me literally to the end of time. He loves big. Yes. Yeah. This is true. And man, if you can rest in in that barra, that's pretty sweet. Yeah. Pretty awesome. But hey, great question, Joe. Dude, great question. That's awesome. You know what? I'm going to hook you

in your husband up with the together app, too. I love y'all. Y'all are the yellow rad. Your husband's dreadfully wrong here. But y'all, I'm just kidding. But y'all are yellow rad. And I love that y'all have these hard conversations. I love your bringing friends in to debate and then discuss. I love it. I love all of it. Um, together apps is a just a microhabits app. It's going to help you strengthen your marriage and the little things. So that when you have these big discussions,

“you all never forget at the nervous system level. She's mine and I'm his. We're connected.”

We're all in the same together. Anchor to the same concrete. We just disagree on the same. We believe different things about this thing. It's awesome. Hang on the line. We'll get you hooked up. We'll be right back. Every day on my show, I'm talking about boundaries. And I know boundaries have become oversold in our culture. Boundaries are not about being mean. They're just about being safe. But most of us don't have boundaries when it comes to sharing our data online. In fact, most

of us don't even know we're sharing it. That's why I use and recommend to lead me. If somebody can just look up your home address, your phone number, the names and pictures of your relatives, that's not just quote unquote a part of modern life. That's somebody stealing your private information that your private life sitting out there in public for anyone who wants to see it

to come by and see it. Listen, you'd never let strangers walk through your house and you start

“flipping through photo albums and going through your mail and personal information. That's what's”

happening online. Data brokers buy and sell your personal information to people you don't want having it. That's their whole business model. Delete me goes to those sites, removes your information, and checks a month after month to make sure it's gone. Delete me will handle it, saving you lots of time and a ton of hassles. If you're serious about protecting your digital boundaries, check out Delete Me. Go to joindeleteme.com/deloney for 20% off an annual plan. That's join.

J-O-I-N. Joindeleteme.com/deloney. All right, Kelly and I the problem. All right, so we have an email from Vanessa and she's in San Francisco and she writes, I'm 21 years old at an only child. I moved back home two months ago to pay off debt while

working as a first-grade teacher. Since returning, I've noticed that my parents arguing has

worsened because of their different values. This often leads to daily yelling, especially about how money should be spent. I tried talking to both of them. I know, thank you. I know, explaining that these value differences are not new, plus or hard. And that constantly find and quote change that. It's only stressing them out and affecting their health. My efforts have led to no change. What? Shocking. Tell me more. And both refuse to go to therapy.

This situation has taken a toll on me too. It's caused me a great deal of stress and it's made it difficult to be present while I'm teaching. Sitting by doing nothing feels impossible because I care about both of them. Am I the problem? Yes. 100%. A common rule of wisdom that all

your opinions on their money or about their sex life. I don't know why that is. I don't know a study where that exists, but that's just an is. Occasionally, they may ask you, hey, give me your thoughts on money or I'm struggling with this. And if they invite you into that conversation for help,

jump in with both feet. Amazing. But you're learning as a 21 year old as we all did and God bless

you for learning as a 21. I learned this at like a 40. I only enter into conversations like that

“when I'm asked when I'm invited. When people say, do you have another opinion on this?”

And one of the most unempowering things for adults to learn and you're learning it and I hate it for you

is watching people you love, do painful things, things that are hurting them and those they love,

and they don't want your help or advice or any input from you at all. And it feels powerless. And so your choices are just to own the only two things on the planet you can own,

“which are your thoughts and your actions. You can move out. And everything you choose to do”

will come in a cost. You can stay. And you can go in your room and point your headphones when they

start nagging with each other and fighting. You can move out and that's going to delay you pan off student loan debt. You can get some roommates and figure out another arrangement. But you had a picture in your life of how you wanted it to go and that picture is different now. And so we're going to be

“sad about it. We're going to grieve it and then we're going to make a new picture. And any choice”

to not make a new picture is a choice to be miserable in the present. And so take ownership of what you can control. You cannot control their 20, 30, 40 year fight about money. It's been going on forever. It's going to keep going on forever. You can't control their choice to not deal with this issue. You can't control how the yell, how you can't control any of that stuff. All you can control here is you. And that feels both powerless and hopefully really empowering. I get to choose what I do next.

So choose what's going to bring you peace. Choose what's going to make you feel empowered to go do the thing that you are your purpose, which is right now teaching. Being present little kids. Giving them an example of a regulated young adult. And commit to yourself now when I get married, I'm going to be on the same page with my spouse with money. I'm going to be on the same page with how we handle conflict. And I can make those changes for my family tree moving forward. But I can't

do anything about the branches that are already growing out of this tree. Thanks for your call, sister. That was a great, great question. Good on you. Love you guys. Bye.