My Wife Doesn’t Enjoy Sex With Me

>> My wife just recently broke down and said this, she does not enjoy having sex with me. And she's the point first I've been with. I went into marriage, she did not have tried everything and I don't know where to go for the mirror. >> She's seeing someone else.

>> I knew you were going to ask, I'm not sure. [MUSIC] >> What's going on? What's going on? This is John with Dr. John Deloni Show.

I'm so glad you're here taking your calls from all over the planet. >> But your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, your dating lives, whatever you got going on.

“If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and if you don't know what show”

notes are, join the club, I do not. But that's where it is. So, click the link and love to have you on the show. >> All right, let's go have it by Boston and talk to John, hey John, what's up, man? >> Hey John, I'm a big fan, I honestly can't believe I'm talking to you right now.

>> On the big fan of yours, dude, thanks for calling, man. >> I'll just get right to it. >> Yeah, I was going on married for, I've been married for a little over a year.

And our sex life has never been great and my wife just recently broke down and said that

this she's doing not enjoy having sex with me and I've tried everything, man, I don't know where to go for me. >> Oh my gosh, that hurts, huh? >> Yeah.

“>> When she sat down and told you this and this is going to help frame how I answer the question.”

When she told you this, was it a conversation that was compassionate and honest or was she approached you with this as like an accusation, as frustrated, as like a less than, as a power play. Let me go and I'm saying how'd she approach you? >> She's very strong in frustration and somewhat anger.

>> Okay. >> And disappointment. >> Okay, so this wasn't her sitting down saying, hey, I want to walk along with you. We're going to figure this out together, this was, you're not enough. >> Yeah, I'm sorry, man.

>> No, dude, don't be sorry at all, that's heartbreaking. >> You know, I'm just as a little background, she's the only person I've been with. I went into marriage, she did not until I'm struggling with that. >> Yeah. >> So I'll leave her out of the equation at a conversation for a second.

For you, this, this thing, how old are you? >> I'm 30, about 1031. >> Wow. >> So you wait at 29 years to be sexually intimate with somebody, huh? >> Yes, sir.

>> Yeah. >> What was it easy? >> Yeah. And to be just stone-rejected, I mean, that's the layers of hurt. >> Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, man.

>> Thank you. I've tried everything, I work out more, to build my stand-off, I'm a little bit bigger,

so I've always been tough conferences to build myself.

>> Yeah, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

“There may be things you need to work on with your health, there may be things you need”

to work on mechanistically, right? You're a year-end man, you're just figuring out how your body works, how her body works, how you work together, like there's lots of figuring out and quote-unquote things to do. But if your spouse is telling you your performance isn't up to standard, we're already on off in the wrong place, we're on a theater stage, we're not together.

>> I feel that way, I feel that way, I've brought that up, I've listened to probably every episode you've had, I'm one of the OG 17th. >> Awesome. >> And I try to bring that up, and I try to get us closer, and I never end the way I hope it will.

I'd never seem to get to the bottom layer of the onion, to make sense, I mean, it makes

perfect sense, is she seeing someone else? >> I knew you were going to ask them, I'm not sure, she's very protective of over her phone.

>> Okay.

Well, it just popped in the front of mine forever, that's worth, because here's what I'm hearing.

She, the way she spoke to you, as a guy who's never been with anybody, a guy who's a year into being her husband. That type of condescension, that type of, you're not performing enough for me. That's the language of somebody holding you in contempt, that's the language of somebody who wants out, and it's trying to conjure reasons why they should have a right to it.

Because let me, like, I can't tell you, I mean, I can't count, I've lost count years ago, how many couples I've sat with, new couples, older couples, finding sexual intimacy and sexual rhythm and getting to know yourself and how your body works and what you like and what your spouse likes and their body, and how that changes, almost it feels like a daily change, right?

But it changes over time, it's something you're into, you're not into, it's sometimes you're

really rocking a roll and it's sometimes you're not, and that's the natural arc of any sort of intimate relationship. And to have it weaponized, a youverse me, instead of, I'm going to be with you on this, and then to have a spouse like you who's willing to be like, "Hey, if you're seeing the same things I've been ashamed about, my way, my sexual inadequacy, I'll work on all

things. I'll try to fix it. My gosh, man."

“I go to where I go from here and they create you need to ask her the scariest question”

of all, which is, does she still want to be married to you?

No, what if she says, "Oh." Then she's already gone. Finding this out now will stop the drag and you behind the pickup truck of her life that's going on right now. You may have a year or two less road rash, heartbreak, because she knows where, we she knows

where your pain points are. She knows yourself conscious, we're not wearing a shirt. She knows yourself conscious because she has a sexual history and you don't. And to weaponize those, that's, that's a level of cruelty man that nobody should endure. It's cruel, it's mean.

“And sometimes people's, and that's why I wanted to know how she approached you because”

you're going to get your feelings hurt either way, right? If somebody sits down with you and says, "Hey, I want more for us in the bedroom." I want more for us with our sex life. Like that's going to be embarrassing and painful, no matter how compassionate somebody is. But if somebody's willing to sit with you in that embarrassment and say, "I'm going to

walk with us, we're going to figure this thing out." We're going to have some funny times, some annoying times, some heartbreaking times, and some hellia good times, right? But like, so you're going to, you're going to feel awkward, you're feeling embarrassed, you feel ashamed, whatever, especially if you've got old wounds of am I enough, and do

I look enough, good enough, and am I going to know what I'm doing?

“All those things that you've carried with you for almost three decades, right?”

But that's not what happened here. And sometimes I say things that are mean, but I really try hard to not ever intentionally be mean, you want to mean? Yeah, yeah, I'm not going to go over the things I've tried, but like we tried to do a study and like, there's with both people of faith, and we try to push us from faith perspective,

and she-- A study about what? A study about what? I kind of build intimacy when someone's already been sexually active, or if-- That's not the problem here.

Absolutely not the problem here. That's not at all. That's not it. That sort of discrepancy happens all the time, all the time. That's not the issue here.

The issue here is she is choosing to stand above you and lord over you, and no marriage can

sort of hierarchy, all right.

“Because dude, if she had-- I'm making up a number-- she had 10 partners in the past.”

She married you. Guy had zero partners in the past. She could bring a level of compassion, a level of love, and play, and adventure, and arrows, and walk right alongside you. She could co-- co-- co-- create her perfect person.

Right? All right. She could tell you exactly what she likes, exactly what she's into, and hand you a playbook. She didn't.

She hit you over the head with cruelty and meanness.

Get right. The issue here is not that she's had partners, and you have it. The issue here isn't that you're struggling with knowing how to please her. That's not the issue here. The issue here is you're on the same team, and I'm getting from you that you have tried

everything to be on her team. Everybody says-- and she keeps moving dugout, she keeps moving fields, which tells me she doesn't want to be on your team, which is a-- I'm heartbroken. I would hug you if you were sitting right here. I hate to say that out loud like that, but I just want to put it on the table.

And if she does, if she goes, no, no, no, no, you're my guy, then she needs some real help with how to communicate. You're right. I think it's time for our conversation. Let me ask you this, outside of-- outside of sex.

Where else do you tip toe in your own house? Or where else do you feel like you're living in her place? Everywhere. OK.

“That's what I thought, and that's what I was afraid of.”

I'm going to tell you right now, my brother, you're worth more than this. And when I think of fidelity in fidelity, maybe she's not sleeping with another guy, even though I think every married person should share their pass codes with their spouse. If you're going to share a bed, and you're going to share genetics and have kids, then good God.

Share your passwords. That's just sounds so dumb than I do that, or people are like, I'm no way ridiculous. And if she's not, quote unquote, cheating on you, sleeping with somebody else, whatever. She's not being a person of integrity, she's not whole. She's not taking your spirit inside your chest, and your heart that you handed her at

the altar when you got married, and treating that with dignity and respect. She put in her back pocket and said, now it's mine. As far as I'm concerned, cruelty, harshness, cruelty is infidelity. And I'm heartbroken this happened to you, man. You sound like a pretty great guy.

Thank you. And I'm all right. I'm not perfect. None of us are.

“But you're willingness to look in the mirror and say, how can I change when there's a problem?”

Tells you, you're a man of service and humility, which the world needs more of. And as the guy who's sitting right next to you here, I want to tell you you're worth more than this. You're worth more than this, okay? You're worth somebody figuring these problems out on your team, not against you.

I hope hope, hope I'm wrong, I don't think I am, but I hope I am, okay? Okay. If I am wrong, and she says, no, no, I'm so sorry. You're my person. God, I didn't know it was a big deal.

Here's all my past codes. I can't believe it. I can't believe it came out that way. I said it wrong. I'm so sorry.

Then I want you to have done the work of saying, okay, here's a roadmap to what I want

and on a few things, here's what I need.

But I want you to walk in your own, a picture this would be, rather.

I want you to walk in the front door of your home or your apartment wherever you all live. And I want that to be the shelter from the storm that is the world around us. You're your wife and your home to be the safest place and you all have to co-create that. And I want you to be her safe place.

“And right now, probably the most anxious you get in your life is walking through the doors”

of your own home. Here, I have to be set right, okay. You're worth worth it, Matt. Let me know how that conversation goes, brother, and reach out anytime. I and help, I'll walk with you through any of this stuff, Matt.

I hate this. This has happened to you. I hate that she has weaponized your deepest, deepest insecurities and weaponized them. I'd like some heart for you. I'd like some heart for her too, man.

It's gotta be miserable being inside her skin. Absolutely miserable. To think that you have the audacity, the ability to just... Like somebody hand you the nuclear codes to their spirit and just hit everybody. You can imagine living a life like that.

We'll be right back.

Alright, spring is here and winter is finally over.

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Let's roll out to Nova Scotia. Talk to Kenny. What's up, Kenny? Hi. Hi, Dr. John, how are you?

I'm doing great, brother, how are you, man? Good, man. What's up? My question is, what's the point of marriage? I can get into detail a little bit.

That's a great question. I've asked myself that question for years. Yeah. Great question. Yeah.

Tell me the genesis of that question. We've been together 10 years. We do everything that has been a wife. We just had a child. We call each other husband and wife.

I don't think so.

Where I want it to be about us. And she comes from a different family dynamic. Because I'm not accustomed to, I grew up differently. Where her mom's very controlling and wants to control everything.

“So I'm at the point where either we just go to a courthouse and piss everybody off or you know what I mean?”

Yeah. So is your question an existential one? Like is marriage still worth it? Is it a thing? Is it some sort of outdated relic or whatever?

Or is your question? How do I deal with my like what now? Maybe a little bit of. I'm doing a life with somebody and doing a life with somebody means their family comes with them. Yeah, maybe a little bit of both.

I mean, we thought that we were never going to get married and we were fine with that.

And then I think because we have a child now, she's my wife decided to, you know, she wants to. She wants my name because she wants all of us to have the same name and now we're thinking more about it. That's awesome, man. So give me your. If you were like in a court of law and you were going to make a case against the act of marriage.

Like legally binding, spiritually binding if you're people of faith, like against that act. What would your case be? Well, I'm not, I'm not a person. I like, I'm not a religious person. So to me, it just seems like we just want a big party with everybody, you know, with everybody.

We're not huge on that, you know, on a ceremony portion. Sure. But make me a case about being something like why wouldn't you, you've been with the person. You've been with the person 10 years. Yeah.

What is it about legally binding yourself? Like giving yourself guardrails of putting your both of your feet in that boat. And it's going to be a big deal to get out of that boat. Why does that scare you? Why are you against that idea?

Yeah, it's a good question. It probably has to do with her family to be honest. Tell me about that. As I said, her mom's very control and we got, when I first met her, she wouldn't do anything without, you know, her parents' stuff. We ended up moving away.

That was a little bit of a reason, but it was also because we couldn't afford a house close to where they were. Sure. And it's gotten a lot better since we moved away.

They always wanted, yes, we want to live our life, we want to live our life.

And they always decided to tell us how to live our life. Gotcha.

“So I think your question is less about marriage and more about how to navigate this and I'll help you with that.”

I'm finishing up a two year, when I say I went down the rabbit hole brother, I went down the rabbit hole. Trying to answer the question A is marriage to a worth it, and if it is, how do you do it in this crazy world we live in? Right. And I'll even say I wasn't even surprised, I was stunned by how conclusive the evidence was, okay? And I'm a person of faith, but I'm putting that on the side for a second, okay?

People cohabitating couples, people who are single or couples who just indefinitely live together. They have less good outcomes, if you will, not see their outcomes are bad, but they are not as good as the multiplying effect of a legally bound marriage. Kids outcomes are improved. Giving your kids the quote unquote best opportunity. I was shocked. I thought it was an internet trope. I thought it was like an Instagram. I mean, like, oh, that's cute thing to say, the data backs up.

The greatest opportunity, the greatest things I can do for my kids, it all the things I want to give them, so they can have the greatest life. That energy is best spent looking directly at my spouse and saying, all in till death through us part.

And that gives my kids something so concrete to anchor into that they can, they can repel off the side of that cliff and go do amazing great things.

But I'm talking about health outcomes, more sex, what does it mean when financial outcomes, all of it anchored back to the greatest, the greatest center point of those outcomes. It was to go be married and not only be married, but be married well or be married awesome.

“If you're married bad, everything is reverse ROI. It has an enormous negative impact, right?”

And I think it's, I think as a culture, we all, we can look at outcomes like say go to college, right?

It just, it's, it's the fact. And so as a culture here in the States, especially, we have said, okay, here's college readiness programs, here's scholarship programs.

“We've done a bunch of things to say, hey, if you go through it, go through it, go to college graduate, you have opportunities to accelerate your, your, your good outcomes, right?”

For some reason, we've had an allergy to saying, hey, man, like if you go do this thing called get married and you really change everything and do it really, really well, your outcomes are outsized in that way too. And I think it's because people have been abused, people end up single parents, people like for all sorts of reasons and we don't want to shame anybody. And so I get that impulse, but man, I'm telling you right now, and I'll say this, I'm 23 and a half years married. There has been several times when the only reason we're still together today is because of the pain would have been to go through the court system.

Right. And that sounds like, oh, that's lame and grows for whatever.

But dude, I have only eaten well certain times because I got rid of all the junk food out of my house. I have only exercised sometimes in my life because I knew I had somebody meeting me at the gym.

And so I think just because there's accountability, just because there is hurdles, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. In fact, I think it's, it means it matters. It means it's a good thing. And so, dude, I can't, I can't overstate enough the importance of finding somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with, and dedicating yourself to serving that person and praying to God, or if you don't believe in God, just hoping really big that they bring that same attitude to you. And yeah, we'll build something that changes both of yours family tree into something extraordinary.

Now, can I propose something to you? Yeah, tell me if I'm wrong, okay? You're not as mad at your mother-in-law as you are with your, with your girlfriend. I agree. Yeah, I know. Tell me about that.

“Um, I think I was taught from very, like a pretty young age to stand up for myself and to, um, yeah, so the biggest thing is boundaries, right?”

Like she, like she's gone a lot better, but it's, it's putting boundaries there so that they know, but like not boundaries with yourself, like telling them this is a boundary, right? Can I go one level deeper than that? Yeah, yeah. Boundaries are a decision that sits upon another big decision that she has chosen you over them. Right. There's no reason to make a boundary if they still come first.

There's no reason to make a boundary if you're still going to do everything you can to seek their approval, even though both of you'll know that approval is never going to come.

Right, right? And there's this annoying question in your spirit, it sounds like, are you picking me? Because it sounds like you continue to pick them. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. I think that every person, and this is biochemical, this is neuroscience, this is all a nerd stuff you want to talk about, but I think to say in the simplest way, every person, all of us.

Need to be seen and known and truly celebrated and when appropriate challenged, but I think it has to happen in that order. And if you spent the last decade seeing and knowing her and celebrating the crap out of her, man, being her number one cheerleader. And she only sees and knows you after she gets done talking to her mom about it.

“I think you have to deal with the pain and the grief of that, because that hurts, man.”

And the choice, like your mother and law can only, or your girlfriend's mom would even call her, she can only impact your relationship as much as your wife and subsequently you allow it. Right, is that fair? I agree. Yeah. So my question for you is for her and for you.

How long are you going to let this woman have a bigger vote at your table than the only two votes that matter, which is you and your wife? You and your girlfriend. On everything from how you're going to raise your kid, what you're going to name your kid, y'all going to get married in any way possible. By the way, here's the reason I think legal marriage is still important, okay?

And nobody likes to think about that, but I think that's important. There's a path.

And there's some legal support for other systems and co-evitational that. But the clearest one still is, if this thing falls apart, here's a path for how this is going to be handled. And I think that's really important. I agree. You've made a human with this girl, so you all are in it for life together in some way, shape from her fashion.

You deserve this, yeah. Is she your person? Absolutely.

“Are you willing to go all in carrying her as a responsibility, right?”

And allowing her to carry you as a responsibility for the rest of your life? Yeah, is she? Yeah. Okay. Then if you're not a person of faith, you don't have a bigger picture of this thing, follow the data.

Yeah, absolutely. That helps a lot. Congratulations, man. What's your kid's name? Actually, don't give me the name over the phone. That's okay. I mean, I'll over the air, but just I'll shut you out. Baby here, do win.

Yeah, he's ten months old. Ten months old. All right.

“Make the rest of your life about taking care of his mom.”

Come here. Awesome. Thanks, man. Hey, it's been an honor to talk to you, my brother, call any time and a great question. It's a question that haunted me for years and years.

And I don't know that I've been more confident in something in a long, long time. Great, great question. When we come back, a woman asks, should she tell her long-term friend that her partner is paying for sex? She is.

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All right, let's go out to Reno 911 Nevada and talk to Anna. Hey Anna, what's up? Hi, I do have a question. What's up? I have a tenure friendship with one of my really close friends. I recently just had a gathering and I'm not sure if they're married or not, but her boyfriend told my brother and showed proof that he's been paying for sex and buying these women's stuff.

Because I do have a great relationship with her. I'm not sure if I should get involved. My main worry is because you just had a baby on some work for like any STDs or possible danger because he has seen prostitutes.

Yeah, I mean, I want to honor the fact that you're calling me, but your first call should have been to her.

This is this clear of a no-brainer as I ever get on the show, yes. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes, this is a friend. If I knew somebody for 30 minutes, I may be not 30 minutes, but if I knew somebody for a short period of time. And I know they're in danger. You better believe I'm going to say something, a tenure friendship.

I'm just worried that is she ended up with him or back with him that it firebacks on me. So there's an old saying that I love not by your hand, but in your lap.

And even just yesterday, there were guys out cutting down trees in my yard because they're dead. And some of them had fallen over. I didn't cause that, I didn't have anything to do with that, but I have to deal with a cleanup. And this is a similar situation. You were just doing life, having some friends over, some family members over, and then boom, somebody handed you a live grenade and said,

"Your close friend is in a terrible situation." And so, as of now, the friendship you had with her is different. It's not over, but it's very different.

And I always want my friendships to be based on honesty and respect and dignity.

And so, if she chooses to not be friends with you in the future, because she chooses this guy, who's cheating on her, buying prostitutes, putting her at risk, et cetera, and she chooses him to be the parent. I mean, to be the full-time parent of that kid.

“Then you get to choose if you want to be friends with that person or not.”

Okay. But I don't ever want to look in the mirror and think, I didn't do the right thing because it was scarier because it was hard. I always want to make the next right move. And letting your friend know they're in danger, they're a cuckold they are getting run around on all those things. And you may find out, oh, sure, he knows.

And then y'all got to talk through that, you know what I mean?

But yeah, I'm always going to default to being a person who's going to tell my friends a truth.

Well, they got a booger on their nose, or whether they're spouse or their baby daddy is out buying prostitutes. I mean, yeah, I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them I would tell them yesterday.

Okay. Okay. Yeah, she does know a little bit. Okay. Okay.

Oh, it's my sister. She's I'm gonna tell and he needs to have the courage to do that as well. But yeah no brainer easy. I mean the call might be hard but make the call be direct. Let I know what you've seen until I'll walk with you through this entire next chapter because it's gonna be messy. Thanks for call.

“It's now spring which means my family is back out in the woods and on the lake for more adventures in what do we have with us?”

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We agree. We took a poll and we agree. This is when I wish I had the powers of 11 because I would be going. And she would have projectile rock in diarrhea right now. But alas, I'm just a mere mortal. Yes, you are. In the right side up.

Sorry about that. Bums me out. Yeah, right now. All right. Go ahead. Who's the problem? So this is from anonymous G.

Anonymous G. Did that set your rap name, Ben? 100%. Anonymous G is rolling in Houston. Do it in there like.

I'd like Houston. I'd be want to be anonymous too. Dude, whatever. It's chopped as crude. Dude, they're just going smooth. Drinking that lane in the huge H tone. Barjom.

Dude, just just just.

“Sorry, people. I think John was head of Daniel.”

You're awesome. Look, I let him back to the root. You got to love it. Okay. To my precious suburb.

Exactly. You were raised about like I was in a suburb. Listen, lady. Listen, sometimes kids at spray paints and bad words.

Yeah, speak for yourself.

My Jones. I go for it. Go for it. Listen, go for it. All right.

Anonymous G writes. You're you.

Anywho, I am a Christian and my husband used to be, but now considers himself an atheist.

Is it wrong for me to take my three kids elementary age to church with me if my husband disagrees

“and says that I'm imposing my beliefs on them and that they should make their own choices one day?”

Should I stop taking them? No, kids need structure. They're going to come up with their own beliefs anyway. Give them a routine. And by the way, even atheist economists say, if I could snap my fingers, I'd have everybody

go back to church and give structure to a week.

Give structure to a system. It gives you a group of people that you do life with. And my beliefs are radically different than the house of worship. I was dragged to as a kid. But I had structure in my life.

“And I had parents that believed in a thing.”

And this idea that I'm just going to let my nine-year-old or ten-year-old or seven-year-old just decide for themselves. They're nine-to-ten-seven. They can't. They can't.

And so, good grief. Yes. Go. Go. Get them involved in things.

“And if you're both atheist and you both don't go to house worship, fine.”

Great. But get your kids involved in things bigger than themselves. That's a cornerstone of mental and emotional health. And don't outsource their systems of beliefs to their developing brains. Good grief.

Kind of world do we live in? A world where you think you're from the main streets of Houston. Yeah, you! You go listen to my Jones and Paul Wallford one hour and tell me your life's not better. I know who they are.

I'm fully aware. Listen. Sometimes you just have to go with the truth. The damn feels good to be a gangster. [Music]