Jen’s Fear is Abusive to Her Kids

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“Remember, you can hear my radio program Daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24/7 at Dr. Laura.com.”

Jen, welcome to the program. Hi. Hi. How can I help? My call.

You're very welcome. Hey Jen, what's on your mind? So, May 7th of 23, I lost my daughter. She was 25. And, no, I haven't done counseling or anything. We went through a year and a half court case.

We, my other daughter, got married ten days after her sister passed away. My other daughter was graduating high school. My son was starting his senior year. It was just a crazy time. I was able to go through all these things.

Work, come home. I was team mom for his football baseball basketball. Super involved with everything. You know, with my kids. Well, my son graduated this last year.

And, all of a sudden, I go to work. I come home and the court case is over. And, I can't, like, focus on things. I started having panic attacks.

“I felt like my daughter had just passed away.”

I've always been a crazy helicopter mom.

But I'm even more so of a crazy helicopter mom. I hate when my kids don't home. Are they all okay? You started up by saying you didn't get therapy. You need to.

Yeah. You need to. Unless you're busy busy busy busy busy busy. You sink into a hole. Understandable.

I think the worst thing in life. Absolute. Worst thing in life is to lose a kid. Losing a parent. Losing a sibling.

Losing a spouse. These are all grim.

But nothing is as devastating as losing a child.

So, I appreciate. And you have to make a transition now. And it's not going to be easy. But I don't want you to become a policeman. Sucking in your kids so that you stay sane.

Oh, not kind of what it feels like. I freak out when they're not home. And why do you think I'm saying what I'm saying? I'm already saying that. You need help so you stop doing that.

Or you will destroy one of them at least. And the relationships with more of them. Because they don't. They can't live for you. Our kids are supposed to leave us.

That's the helper. I don't want them to. Well, that's becoming a bad parent. That's becoming a bad parent. That's becoming a bad parent.

“And I think it kind of goes into half of it.”

Control because I feel like with them here. That's becoming a bad parent. That's using your children for yourself. Yeah. [MUSIC]

I don't know how to. Therapy. I need to go to therapy and get professional help. You're not going to do this by yourself. I'm just scared of myself.

You're solution to one of them and losing one another one. That's my fear. Okay. Every parent has that fear. Even if they haven't lost a kid.

You need help so you don't hurt your kids. And if you can get good therapeutic help and grow past this moment, you're going to enjoy your kids more. You don't enjoy your kids as much as you could. You can't.

You trap yourself in terror. And in so doing, make them responsible for you. That's abusing your kids.

I've never looked at it like that.

It is. You can't be doing that. You're going to lose them at some point because they're just going to have to explode away from you to get the freedom. You don't want that to happen.

There are many ways to lose a kid. Death is only one. Right. I don't want you to lose your kids because they have to claim their own life. And to do that, they have to be apocalyptic and how they handle it.

You don't want that. You do understand what I'm saying, right? Please. I do. I do.

Okay.

“I don't realize that that's how I was being with them.”

I had a thought holding on and spending all the time I can with them. Tell them if you're not home at midnight. Nothing good happens after midnight. No need to be out that late. And they're good kids.

My daughter's going to school to be a detective. My son has started his own business. I mean, they're great kids. I just, and so scared of losing another one. And they can't live to assuage your fears, honey.

They can't, that's not the point of their lives. Right. Yeah. Now I appreciate your words because I feel like I'm drowning. I'm trying to find my footing.

I've kind of turned into a firm at I used to be like. I used to love going into crowds of people and talking and being goofy. And now I avoid. I avoid life. Hmm.

I hate going to stores.

“I go when it's like late at night so that I don't have to see people.”

I've never had anxiety attacks.

I've started having those. Hmm. Yeah. Like I try to figure out my footing and trying to not be able to force. You're not going to be able to figure out your footing by yourself.

Yeah. This was my first step because I felt like something's got to change. Something's not, I'm not doing it right. And I definitely want to push my younger two kids away. Yeah, I think you're.

I'm making this call and hearing me out. You've already started a very good journey. Yeah, I really appreciate your words. Listen to for years and I love the brutal honesty. Sometimes that's what you need.

Sometimes. Yeah. I appreciate that. Thank you so much.

“By the way, what was this court case about?”

So her father was killed when she was 13. And her uncle is a sheriff. And he went and lied and said he was her legal guardian. And filed a wrongful best suit. And was awarded $300,000 that my daughter knew nothing about.

We knew nothing about. He bought his mom the house. He lied to the court. I'm in a child compromised case.

The child's always supposed to be present in court.

So the judge knows that the child knows what's going on. My daughter never steps it in a courtroom. And the things that came out after she passed away were the mind boggling. And so we filed a case against them. I mean, there's a lot more to have finding out things that my daughter definitely made the best choices.

That was mine in her circle in our relationship. That finding out things that for uncle and her grandmother were involved in with their completely limit their loop. Wow. Because I trusted them. I did she.

And this is more and more. Yeah. Much more. The trail. Much more.

I wonder, you don't want to be around people. Yeah, I was like, I have to look like behind me or look. I don't know. I don't trust people at all now. And I've never been that way.

I've always taken people at face to all you. Well, you're generalizing and you'll have to yank that back in and know therapy. We'll help you with that because you trusted me. You trusted me. Yeah.

Absolutely. Okay. Well, then you can make trust judgments. You can't.

When I get back to trying to find some happy medium and, you know, in the last few months,

“I've had three of my friends kids killed in car accidents.”

That were their kids were my kids friends. And then everybody reaches out. Yeah, and everybody reaches out to me. Well, you've been through this. You know, I need your help.

I think you know it. And you're perfect at it. Okay, I need a help. And then I find myself dwindling back down because right. No, it's three opens up all my wounds.

Right. But I don't want to push them away because I understand some of the hurt. But I've learned through this that nobody's pain is the same. That's true. Good point.

And that was a huge learning lesson for me.

Good point. That's not losing the child.

“The mother's pain is going to be like each other.”

And no, it's not. What are the differences that you see? Well, you know, their children were children car accidents. My daughter went to a party and chose to take the pill with her friend. And that pill ends up having sat in all of it.

And the other girl and story so often. You know, I work in the dental field. We use that null installation. After this happened, I won't even help with it. And I was like, it's not the same.

It's not the same. I promise. I'm like, I'm not touching this. I'm sorry. Never mind.

I've been helping with it for 20 years. Can I make you giggle? Oh, you giggled by yourself.

“Five, five, six years ago when I was wearing new shoes.”

And they caught on a stair. And I went flying down the stairs. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And smooshed my right wrist. So I get in the ambulance.

And she says, oh, geez, I'm going to give you something for the pain. That's got to be off the charts. Yes, it is. It is off the charts. And then I said, what are you giving me?

And she says, well, fentanyl. I practically flew off the gurney. No, no, don't do that. You kill me. And she goes, I'm not giving you street fentanyl.

Calm down. So I know what you're saying. Only one with that fear. No, you know, you and I are equally nutty, okay? Oh, no, I just feel like they're paying.

Yeah, this, we just laid my son's friend, my friend's son to rest on Friday.

I've never went to the grave site.

My daughter was cremated because I like, we go to Fort Bragg a lot. That was her favorite place. Every year, every time we go, I take her ashes. And we might let them go in the ocean. Her child was burnt in the car accident and they had to go get everything.

And watching them lower, his task get into the ground. I threw me through a whole different world when they never seen us. It's not as cheerful as spreading, you know, the ashes. That's kind of a cheerful feeling away. Yeah, I understand.

Well, I've got to take a break now. Dude, I'm pleased you called me Jen. Now, promise me. Promise me and don't fib. You're going to get some help with this.

I will. And I will do a couple months of counseling. And then I will give you a call back. Please do. I will.

I appreciate you. All right. Thank you. Take care, Jen. 1-800-Dr. Laura 1-800-375-2872.

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