How to Parent Teenagers LOL

Every Monday, you'll learn to compassionately manage your time, wisely solve problems, and kindly live in your season.

“I'm your host, Kindredachi, and I'm so glad you're here.”

Today's episode 482, how to parent teenagers, LOL, because who actually knows how to parent teenagers, I definitely don't know what I'm doing. But I will take a shot at talking about it today. If you're not a parent, but still want a dose of Monday morning, lazy genius, try episode 378, 13 principles that will change your life. It's the lazy genius way's birthday month, this August, and that episode 378, from a couple of years ago,

is all about the original 13 lazy genius principles, which could be a nice reminder this time of year. All right, how to parent teenagers LOL. One of the most helpful things is hearing from people who have already done it, right? That's true of any stage of life, I guess. When you're in the thick of it, it really is hard to see beyond the chaos of your season.

“That's why knowing someone who's already done it, who came out on the other side, that offers solidarity and relief.”

You're like, "Well, they did it, so can I." And that's what I hope this episode is for you. Even though I am still in the thick of parent teenagers, minor 16 and 14, I have more perspective on this than I did three years ago, and I'll have played more perspective three years from now. So even though I definitely do not have definitive answers, hearing someone else's experience,

who's either alongside or a little ahead of you, can be so tremendously helpful. In fact, it happened to me just the other day, so I took my Annie, who's 10, and her 12-year-old cousin to get Starbucks, because that's what tweeting girls love to do. They of course wanted to walk around target after, so we did. I had not been inside a target in months and months, so I walked around, like, behind the girls, letting them wander wherever,

and I just, like, looked around almost like I was at a museum or something, it was like a brand new place. In the greeting card section though, I saw my friend Sarah, who I have not seen in years. I knew her husband when I was in middle school, and then we all connected again as the young adults. There was this really short stretch in my 20s where we hung out, like fairly regularly, and she is such a great hang. But it had been years since I've seen her, like, grown children years, so it was so good to run into her.

Well, we were doing like the quick catch up there in the aisle, and I learned that her oldest is a year older than my oldest, and starting his senior year of high school. So of course, I pounced, and I was like, tell me everything. I'm still feeling overwhelmed by the enormous project of figuring out where Sam could go to college to become a band director. And on that particular day, the stress hum was, like, pretty strong. So Sarah and I talked for maybe, like, 15 minutes, maybe.

It was the most helpful calming 15 minutes of the week. She shared her experience, how they brought in a third person to help their son with, like,

application deadlines and stuff like that because, as Sarah said, I don't want to spend his senior year nagging him to turn things in on time. Truth. Then she talked about visualizing herself in the passenger seat of the car that he's driving. Sometimes even the back seat, that's an analogy we've all heard a lot before. But she said, you know, he's 18 now, and I'm trying to take steps back and let him lead. Her outer column was so good for my, like, inner spin.

It was like I was the before, and she was the after of parenting teenagers, and she was doing really well. Her kid was taking steps to do whatever came next, and she was actively stepping back and not bringing her stress, like adding it into his season of life.

“It was just such a good short little conversation, so good for my soul to talk to her, and honestly, I hope you feel the same way after listening to this episode.”

In fact, one of the biggest reasons, I think it's good to talk about parenting teenagers and and practice it intentionally, is not because we make better kids that way. I'm convinced that the season of parenting is about my personal growth, just as much as it is my teenagers. Like, I'm not just preparing them to be a person. It also helps me become one. The push pull of these teenagers is excellent practice in pivoting, practicing compassion, wisely solving problems, and letting certain things go. For me and for them, I have become a better, more grounded version of myself by being a mom to Sam and Ben, and that will keep happening as any becomes a teenager too.

It already is a little because I feel like third kids just like, they just grow up faster, so I feel very much in the deep end of all of this.

Number one, I want to grow as a person as I parent. I have just as much to learn as they do, and I think that posture is just a really great place to start.

Two, I want to stay open and connect with my kids, no matter the stage. Now that connection will obviously look different and various seasons, but I want them to feel connected to me, no matter what, no matter what. And then third, I want them to be kind people in the world. Yes, there are a lot of skills and tools that they'll need to like, logistically exist as a person when they leave our house, but ultimately I want them to be kind humans to others and to themselves. And how I parent them teaches them that. So, today, I have nine parenting principles that I try to hold on to, almost like mantras. They're short and sweet. They're also like not in order or necessarily connected to each other, so don't be overwhelmed by the number nine, just grab one that feels helpful right now and start intentionally adding it to your life if you think it would help.

Okay, I'm going to start with the one that is hardest for me, and that is validate, don't solve, validate, don't solve. Y'all, I'm a professional problem solver, like quite literally, it is my job to solve problems, and then write about it in books or talk about it right here.

So, you can imagine when one of my kids brings me a problem, I want to solve it so bad, not only do I want to solve it, I think I do a pretty good job.

“But when my teenagers have a problem, almost always, they just want to vent, they don't want a solution, they want to be seen and to be fair that's how most of us are.”

Maybe we want a solution eventually, but when we're sharing something with a friend or a family member that's challenging or frustrating, we don't want them to say, well, have you tried this? Like, that's kind of the worst thing, and we're full blown adults with developed brains, teenagers are not. So, responding with, have you tried this, or maybe if you started doing this, the problem would change, or even worse. Well, I told you that if you didn't do blah, blah, blah, this would happen. Like, all that does is shut the kid down, and they will be far less likely to come to you or me again.

The best sentence I use when hearing about a kid's problem is, I'm so sorry that sounds really hard, and then stop talking, and it is so hard to stop talking.

“It happened just the other day, actually, when one of my kids was sharing about some friend trouble, and I wanted to offer solutions ideas context so much.”

In fact, I even started to, I started to sentence, I sat with the conversation for so long, I'm so sorry that's so hard. Oh, I'm so sorry, like, you know, minute after minute goes by, many, many minutes, and I'm like buzzing with solutions and trying to solve this thing. And so it's like I couldn't hold it in any longer, and so I started to sentence out loud to try to offer solution, and then like out loud, I said, you know what, actually, that's not helpful, never mind, and then my kids started talking again.

So even when you, or more specifically, I have the best intentions to make the situation better, that's not the point. The point is to validate, not solve. That makes you a more grounded person who can sit with something difficult. It makes you and your kid connected to each other because you're not taking the reins on something that is not yours to do. And it helps them experience what it's like to be validated, so they can do it themselves when they're listening to someone else.

“Those things are more important than quickly solving one small problem. So validate, don't solve.”

Number two, save instruction for when everyone is emotionally regulated. This is also extremely hard and practice, but so good for the relationship and for everyone's nervous systems. Parents and teens get into fights, like it just happens, right? I have expectations that one of my kids is going to do what I say and then they don't. This can, this can be tense when that happens. I also have pretty emotionally expressive children who will all let me know that they're mad at me for better or worse, and I have a quick trigger.

Anger rises in my body so fast, and if I don't cut it off at the past, it's bad for everybody.

But guess what, that doesn't always happen for me or for one of my kids, like sometimes we get mad.

When something disruptive happens, there is going to be emotional volatility coming from somebody.

When I'm angry over a choice my kid made, I do not want to use that time to teach them something.

That's not the right time. Or if they're angry at me, because like I'm holding a boundary or a consequence for one of their choices, it's not the time to bring down a further consequence. It just makes the situation worse for everybody. If I'm super angry, because this has happened before, I will likely like wildly wave my hands into clear some sort of punishment that isn't actually helpful.

“Or if a kid is angry and I start being like, you know, this is what we've been talking about about your ownership of things and you need to blow up like I'm sort of like piling on.”

None of it's just not the time. There's probably not a time for any of that, but it's just not the time. The only thing that needs to happen during this regulation is regulation and connection. That is prioritizing the relationship over the situation and getting everybody back to neutral again. And that sometimes that takes actual hours.

Or it means postponing like the disciplinary conversation.

To instead like go outside and shoot a basketball to just like get back in your body and get the anger out. I remember one time, cause in one of my sons was having, they were having like a really, really hard time, especially my son. And cause was like, let's get in the car. We're going to go get some cake. And they like literally let the house and went to the grocery store. Got a slice of cake. To just like try to get everybody back. Not as like a like let's distract. It's like we got to recalibrate here. We got it. We got to regulate. We got to get back to center.

“When voices are raised or emotions are high, I believe it's better to hang back on teachable moments.”

Do those the next day, even later in the week. The situation is not going anywhere. But the further away you get emotionally, the more everybody can see the situation practically. Your softer, the kid is softer. The situation might even have some humor in it once you removed from it. Like I remember there was a situation once where one of the boys and I, we got into it, it was really tense and hard.

And thankfully we walked away from the conversation so that we could like come together as people. You know, we did. We'd like calm down. We just stopped. We stopped and tried to calm down. And a few days later, we were talking about something similar to the inciting incident. And I was like, "Hey, remember the other day when we almost came to blows over bed sheets?" And we both laughed. And we were able to talk about what was underneath that argument so much more easily.

So save instruction for when everybody is emotionally regulated. That's good for parenting teenagers and also for relationships in general. Number three, affirm then ask a question. This is a tricky little tip that has helped me through so many moments in conversations. When a kid wants to do something or go somewhere, when they have a big idea,

when they're sharing about a weird thing that happened with a friend at school, when they want to make themselves a lunch that is so egregiously not from the earth that you can like feel the health problems coming, affirm their desire, then ask a question.

“Just ask more questions in general, honestly, rather than like declare whatever you wanted to declare, that's its own thing.”

But like, you know, "Hey, Mom, can I go out with Malcolm and Ben tomorrow?" Oh, those guys are fine. Where are you wanting to go? Hey, Mom, is it a chip day? Oh, man, those are good chips. Um, have you had anything from the earth yet today? Hey, Mom, someone's supposed to be in so mean and I do not like hanging out with her.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry. What happened? Affirm, then ask a question. Teenagers need this. Little kids don't as much. They don't need as many questions. They need declarations, actually. They need boundaries and direction and confidence from their parents. Not that you can't ask like a second grader or a question, of course you can.

But with teenagers, I find that I want the mix to be more questions than comments. The number of times that I take a breath before answering and I say to myself, ask questions, ask questions, ask questions. It's a lot. It's a lot of times.

And I honestly don't always want to listen to that voice.

And I just like jump in, jump in with a comment because it's easier. You know, it's like, "No, you can't go or busy. No, you can't have chips." Oh, she's probably having a hard day. I bet she won't be mean to you tomorrow. Like those are easier to say, but they don't do what we're trying to ultimately do as parents of teenagers.

You know, responding quickly like that is robotic. It's not very compassionate.

It's putting the thing. It's putting the situation over the person, over the person who's talking to me. And responding like that, it does very little good for the connective tissue of the relationship.

“It's like kind of quick and dismissive. Isn't it really seeing what's going on?”

So even though it's more work and slower work to ask questions, I think it's really, really worth it. It creates a safe space for our kids to come to us with problems, knowing that they will be heard, not just answered. So that is number three, a firm, then ask a question. Number four, be flexible. Teenagers do not follow at a certain level pattern. They make plans and change them.

They need to be picked up and how related then they said to ours ago. They want to have conversations at 11 o'clock at night when you very much are already asleep in your heart. They just move at a different cadence than younger kids or even adults. They're just like zigzagging all over the place, which means it's good to be flexible and expect that you will have to be.

“Let's talk about expectations real quick.”

We all know that unmet expectations are the source of so much conflict, both internal and relational. You know, you think something will happen, it doesn't, and you're upset about it. Even small things, maybe especially small things. Y'all, this happened so much with teenagers. I don't even understand it. How is it possible that they know when I'm about to go to sleep? And literally bound on my bed like a golden retriever to tell me a story about their day.

How does it always seem like they need a ride exactly when I thought they would not need a ride?

Why do they keep changing plans with their friends and expect me to keep up with them? And yet, this is the life of a teenager. Their plans change on a dime. And if they have ADHD like one of my kids does, decisions are either now or not now. And those late night conversations, even though you're about to pass out, you know those conversations are like finding gold in a sea of rocks. So when you get one, you do not let go. Maybe you are a planner and your teenager is a walking pinball machine.

Even though there is tension in that combo, don't try and change the behavior of your kid.

“Remember that this is about our growth as parents too.”

So this is, this is our chance to learn to be flexible, which is a way to love them well in this teenage season. So number four is be flexible. Number five, react in a connective way, react in a connective way. All right, this comes out in three different ways for me. So when something is exciting to your teenager to them, but you do not get it. You're not as excited. You don't get it at all. I want you to over react. Like who cares, it's exciting to your teenagers so be excited with them.

One day Sam came home with his arms in the air. He walked through the door from school and he was like, "Mom, the NFL schedule just got released." And I remember, and I mean, I love the NFL, but I remember being like, um, cool, I guess. I did not match his reaction at all, because it didn't matter to me. I probably even seemed annoyed. And he dropped his arms and was like, "Man, you're no fun, I'm left the room." And he was right. He was right. I was not being fun.

I did not enter into the thing he cared about and it hurt his feelings. When your teenager is pumped about something, even if you don't care, even close to the same amount, you care about them. So be pumped with them. This is something that's really hard to do, but so valuable.

The second way reacting in a connective way comes out that actually kind of goes back to the first point of validate don't solve.

The teenager is sharing something hard about their life, react in a connective way by listening, validating them, and telling them that that all sounds really hard and then just be quiet. That is connective. Let them talk. Don't solve the problem. Just listen, affirm, let your reactions tell your teenager that you are connected to their situation without trying to make that situation yours. And then the third way I try to react in a connective way is by not reacting at all.

This is when a teenager does something bad. When I found out as I am, it's haven't been turned in or laundry has been washed for six months without detergent. Like teenagers, they make mistakes. They sometimes make terrible choices. They forget things or willfully ignore them. And when I find out about those things, I work really hard to not emotionally react.

I also go back to that earlier point about asking questions. I try to ask more questions and make statements.

By staying regulated and emotionally calm or not reacting in a big way to what even could be a big thing. It makes me and my teenager more connected.

“So, if you must back, one of our kids came to us and confessed something.”

It was something that had been eating it for a while and he was so nervous when he said he wanted to talk. He said the thing, and Cos and I both stayed calm and we just smiled at him. And Cos said, "Thanks so much for sharing that with us, bud." And I said something like, "It sounds like that's been eating away at you for a long time. How does it feel now to say it out loud?" He didn't even answer, "He just got out of his chair and he threw his arms around me. It was the sweetest thing."

He said, "I thought you guys would be so mad and hate me because isn't that what we all think when we have something to hide?"

We think that if people find out what's really going on, they will reject us or be angry in the relationship will never be the same again.

So, if your priority is a parent is to stake connected to your kid, no circumstance is going to change that connection. Because you're prioritizing each other over the thing. And underreacting in those situations is a way to do that. It's showing the teenager that you're not unmoored by a hard thing. They're not going to emotionally explode because of a choice they made.

The kid does not have to work hard to regulate your emotions too, along with their own, your calm and steady, even in a crisis. And that grows such deep relational roots. Now, I share that story not to be like, "Look what a good parent I am because there are many other stories where I have overreacted about the wrong thing."

“But I always go back to that moment, because I think, cause and I were really good parents to our kid in that moment.”

And I know that because he felt even more connected with us after this scary thing he shared. Sure, we dealt with what he shared later, because you don't do like teachable disciplinary consequential things when people are emotional. But the point of that conversation was to react with a love and calm, not disappointment and consequences. So, react in a connective way. Okay, number six, collaborate and empower.

Collaborate and empower, don't control and micro-manage. Micro-managing is a little more necessary when your kids are younger, you know? You can still collaborate and empower with young kids, but there will definitely be some tighter parenting when they don't realize that running into the street is like a bad call, you know? Now, as I get older though, teenagers need a longer leash, especially since they're going to have to leave the house very soon. They've got to get used to trying and failing while they're still safely home, and that's much easier to do when you as the parent collaborate and empower.

So, rather than telling them like how to do something, ask if they need any help or any feedback or whatever. Like anything you need for me before I leave you to it. You know, that's like being like, "You got this, but I'm also here." Or rather than making like a long list of skills that they need to learn and telling them how and when they're going to learn them before they move out. Collaborate and ask for their input, "Hey, what would you like to know how to do before you move out?"

And then have a conversation.

This is not always easy, especially if you have a kid who is distracted and efficient or just like doesn't care as much as you do.

Actually, they will probably never care as much as you do. I remember last summer I asked my oldest to like start his big summer room clean out.

“We did that every year where they're in the summer because they're raised home, right?”

Which kid decletters their room, they get sort of stuff they don't need anymore. And then they clean the whole thing thoroughly, like a spring clean. I hope as needed, but less and less as they get older. Well, last summer, Sam was not jazzed about this project. Like I had prepped him for it, I told him it was coming.

He's still not want to do it, which is, of course he didn't. That's all of us, right? So, I remember asking him, "Hey, would it help if you had an order to follow?" And he responded with like a very enthusiastic yes. So I made him a little list so that he could go in a helpful order and not create like a mess of piles, right?

Then I left the room. Well, about an hour or so later, I went back in to like check in.

It was covered in piles that had no discernible pattern to me. I could not understand the categories. And I was like, "Hey girl, keep calm, keep calm, it's fine, it's fine. Because the list was supposed to prevent this." Like that was the whole point of the list. And he asked for the dang list. So I asked a question.

“I was like, "Hey, because that's what we do, right? Ask more questions."”

And I just said, "How's it going, bud?" Because that was what I was there to ask anyway. He smelled really big. He's like sitting in the middle of the floor in the middle of all these piles. And he said, "I didn't follow any of your list, but I'm doing great." So I was like, "Awesome." Turn around and look through.

He felt empowered. And even though cleaning his room took like three days instead of three hours, who cares? He did it himself and he felt really great after. And we did not come to blows because I was nagging him all the time. I think collaborating with and empowering our teenagers is just huge.

It's maybe the most important thing that we do other than love them.

Like let them solve their own problems. Be a safety net for them. Be a sounding board. Maybe a little like the, you know, clippy. You know, the Microsoft Word Guy to offer a reminder of dudes like, "Hey, I'm clippy. You need any help today."

But other than that, like let them take the lead.

“Ask questions to get them thinking about what matters to them.”

A firm, whatever they're concerned about and don't downplay it. Help them see whatever their problem is through smaller lens. Like you've been learning here on the lazy genius podcast how to make problems smaller. And then you could suggest a tool or two if you think they're up to hearing about it. But ultimately empower and collaborate. It's such a tricky line to walk.

And I feel like I get it right, maybe half the time. But empowerment, half the time to me is better than micromanaging and fighting and disconnection all the time. It's worth it. Even if it means you don't, don't know what you're doing, you know? So collaborate and empower.

All right, three more. Number seven is to be steady and safe. Of course, we want to be that kind of parent, of course. But I recently got to observe this in such a beautiful way. And it really like, it just, it just hit this home for me.

So my daughter has a good friend who spent the night. This is a friend who's family. We've spent hours and hours with over a decade. Like they're, they're so close. And that friend got tucked in at her house.

And very shortly after that realized she wanted to go home. So I called her mom one of my dearest friends. One of the most intentional moms that I know in the whole world. And the two of them, like, use my phone and talk it out to see if she wanted to give it another try.

Ultimately, Annie's friend decided to go home.

So we got her packed up. We, you know, rolled up the sleeping bag or whatever, waited in the kitchen for her mom to arrive. It was, I remember it was raining hard that night. And so my friend pulled up to the side door of our house and opened the side door of her van. So her daughter could, like, just jump right in.

And she did, she jumped right in. And she said to her mom, "Sorry, you had to come get me. And my friend replied, "Girl, I will pick you up from anywhere." And gave her this big hug and then they went home. It was like this safest, sweetest moment to witness.

That mom didn't say anything about, you know, well, maybe next time, or something about trying to be brave or making a joke that she was already asleep. You know, girl, I was asleep. Which is, like, kind of shaming, even though we don't mean for it to be. And a lot of us would make that comment.

My friend was just steady and safe and said, "One confident living sentence. Girl, I will pick you up from anywhere."

“Do you know how powerful that will be when that little girl's a teenager?”

Because that's not going to change. That posture from this mom is not going to change. Anytime she feels uncomfortable or unsafe, this little girl, even if she doesn't have words for why she knows her mom will come get her with love and safety. So, I want to be a steady safe place.

And we all know we all do. Number eight. This one's more fun. Connect over text. This is maybe one of the greatest joys of my teenagers having phones.

Texting them creates this level of play and connection.

And even sometimes vulnerability that does not always have in face to face.

My boys are both sassy, funny. They use gifts impeccably well, especially been. We have a lot of fun texting. I also like it when my boys text me with a question because it allows me a slower reaction time. Where I can remember all of these things that I've shared in this episode.

I can respond with a validation and a question. Rather than a quick yes or no.

I can respond with a posture of collaboration and empowerment.

“Rather than be snippy about getting the order I can say, it's the blue one with the yellow letters.”

But if you can't find it, don't sweat it. Whatever you're able to get will work. He's stressed out in the grocery store, shopping for only like the sixth time in his life. So, helping him feel steady and empowered in that moment is valuable to him. You know, he's getting the reps, a finding what he needs without me breathing down his neck.

It's back to that point of being flexible. Like, I got to be flexible about the yogurt I'm getting. Is Sam is going to go shot for me, you know? Like, that's the new expectation. And it's worth it so he can get reps in at the grocery store.

“And all of that is easier and more fun, honestly, over-text those kinds of interactions.”

Like, we're also kind over-texts. We're all like light and funny and relational. It's great. I love texting my teenagers. I love it.

And finally, number nine, repair without blame.

As parents, we mess up daily. We know this. It happens every single day. All of the things in this episode that I said, it will get forgotten or left behind in the face of anger or frustration. And sometimes, let's be real about it. Our kids hold some blame. At least it feels that way. I mean, yeah, I did raise my voice, but then did not do what I asked him so I have the right to get upset. Right? You might feel that way. And that's great. That's fine.

But I know for me, I don't want my kids to think that they caused me to react poorly or to act unkindly towards them. Like, that's on me. I don't want to yell at them ever.

But when I do, I want to repair because that is never my intention.

You guys have heard all these studies about like well-adjusted kids. It's not the kids and parents that never argue or the parents that get everything right that make for happy-connected kids. It's parents who repair when they get something wrong. It's parents who apologize. But not just apologize. Repair without blame. Repair is not saying, "I'm sorry I yelled, but you didn't do what I asked." That's not repair. That's defensiveness. Repair is saying, "I shouldn't have yelled at you and I'm so sorry I did what you forgive me."

And then be done talking about it. Like, don't talk about what the kid did. Don't turn it into a teachable moment like your repair do its work. Teachable moments can come later. Just like that point earlier about not talking about consequences or discipline when everybody is mad. Don't inject your apology with your own agenda. Repair the relationship with your teenager only and then be done.

That is so much more important than them learning the consequences of like leaving a load of laundry in the washing machine or forgetting their homework or something. And make sure those things matter, but not more than staying connected with each other. Connect first by repairing with purity and then wait a day before dealing with anything else.

Now, if you like, you can always say something like, "You know, we can talk about the laundry tomorrow and figure out how to make the process work better for you.

But for right now, I'm sorry I yelled, and I love you so much. That's all that matters right now." I am not, clearly, I'm not a perfect parent, far from it, I get it wrong all the time, all the time.

“But I think one thing I do really well is repair.”

I humbled myself before my kids a lot. I asked for forgiveness often. They're squirrely about it, sometimes even uncomfortable. I often get like, "Ah, it's all right." Which it's not, and I tell them that. But when they forgive me, I'm always like, "Thanks for being kind to me about this." Even if they get antsy around a place of emotion, which sometimes they are, because, you know, the two, I've got two teenage boys.

I was so much rather than feel the connective tissue, getting stronger, rather than them feeling like I'm disappointed in them, even if it makes them a little bit like, "Oh, mom's being so serious right now, you know?" It's just so much more valuable. And it makes teaching them how to do things like laundry and homework and manage their own time. It makes those things easier because we aren't connected.

If we were not connected, it would be such a chore for both of us. So, those are my nine postures, mantras, principles, whatever you want to call them, as I parent my teenagers.

And I think they're creating environment where my kids feel connected to their parents. Like, my teenage boys like me, which is wild, they hug me, they joke with me, they tell me stuff, and I'm not everything, and they screw up all the time, so do I. But what a gift that we could still have a connected relationship where we like each other, even in such a hard season. I think these principles help me foster that, and I'm just really, really grateful for them.

So, remember these three main objectives as you parent your teenagers. One, grow as a person, as you parent. You have just as much to learn as they do. Two, stay open and connected with your kids no matter the stage.

That connection is the most important thing to preserve.

And third, help them be kind people in the world by modeling kindness as you parent. And the nine principles I use are validate, don't solve. Save instruction for when everybody is emotionally regulated, affirm that ask a question. Be flexible, react in a connective way, collaborate and empower, don't control and micro manage. Be steady and safe, connect over text, and repair without blame.

“And that's how to parent teenagers, which always gets an LOL because who in the world knows.”

When we come back, we'll have a mini office hours with a question from Diana about a small, but annoying chores she can't seem to do. And we'll celebrate the lazy genius of the week with a great tip on parenting teenagers when they want an answer right now. Back after this word from our sponsors.

All right, it's time for a mini office hours, Diana pot on Instagram asks.

I need help washing my water bottle more frequently. I wash my kids water bottles no problem, but I just can't seem to get myself to wash my own. And sometimes it goes a scary amount of time between washes. I probably should batch it and just wash mine while I wash my kids, but part of me cannot stand. Adding yet another water bottle to the wash pile.

And the other part of me completely forgets to even bring it to the wash pile to begin with. Any ideas. I love how small this is. This is definitely a problem that we can solve. Okay, I have a couple of thoughts.

So Diana, you said you can wash yours when you wash the kids, but you can't handle adding one more thing. So my question to you is, which mental load do you prefer? Would you rather deal with washing one more bottle even though you don't want to? Would you rather find a separate approach for

“washing your water bottle, which is I think what you're asking?”

Or would you rather carry the, like, I really should wash my water bottle, thought in your head for longer? That's not a trick question. Like those three paths, it's either like, do you, do you keep thinking about it and worrying about it? Do you batch it even though you don't want to? Or do you find a third solution?

Which, which one feels easier and the most helpful for your life? Because you could just wash your water bottle when you think about it and be done. Or you could wash it when you wash your kids, even though you don't like it very much. And then also be done. Or you could take an idea I might offer you and try it, but I will say that is another thing to add to your life.

This is true of most things that we don't want to do. We would really like a quick fix. That is more pleasant than the current situation and sometimes we find it, sometimes we do.

But sometimes it's never going to be all the way easy and we just have to wash the water bottle.

Now I don't know which path is true for you Diana, but for everyone trying to solve a small annoying problem. I want you to just consider for you which is easier and it's all different. Everybody's answer is going to be different based on your season of life and your personality and all the things. But which one is easier? Just doing it when you like just probably could even though you don't want to. Is it finding a new way?

“Or is it doing it when you think about it and you're just going to accept the naggy voice telling you you should do it differently?”

It's your choice. No choice is better than another, not for something like this. Just pick whatever feels the easiest and the most helpful in trying it. Now my guess is the easiest thing is to try and remember to wash your water bottle when you wash your kids. Simply because you're already naturally doing that in a rhythm.

You could ask the kids to be your reminders too. You'd be like, "Hey, do you guys think you can help me remember to wash my water bottle when you see me washing yours? I keep forgetting and I need some help remembering." Or you could wash yours on Friday nights when you order pizza for dinner and you don't have that many dishes to wash anyway.

Or if you have a partner, you could ask them to take care of it for you.

“You could say, "I know this seems silly and small, maybe it is, but I cannot for the life of me remember to wash my own water bottle.”

And I have too much on my brain to figure it out right now. You just wash it for me once a week. It doesn't matter when, but it would be such a kindness to me." So like the washing of your water bottle doesn't have to be on your shoulders only. You do plenty for the rest of your family. It's good for them to do things for you and for each other.

So choose which one feels the easiest, even though it won't be easy all the way. Then I hope some of those ideas might help. If you have an office hours question that you'd like answered either here in the many office hours,

or when we do an entire episode of questions, you can email hello at thelasiegenescollective.com

with the subject line office hours. And now for this week's lazy genius of the week, this week we have Claire from Canberra, Australia. Is that how you say Canberra? I'm in a guess, yes, Claire writes. Here's a strategy I used when my four kids were teenagers.

They're all grown now. So you need your sometimes have great ideas and they want an instant answer.

“Can I go to a sleepover at my friends on Friday night?”

Can I go to the movies this afternoon? Those things may be possible to do, but not easy to respond to right then because of logistics. But kids may really press for an answer now. When they did, I would say, if you need an answer right now, it has to be no. But if it can wait a few hours, I may be able to make it work.

That was respectful of their request, but meant I wasn't railroaded into something I couldn't fulfill, and gave me time to see if I could make it work. I also avoided feeling like a mean mum. If it still didn't happen, at least I tried and they knew it. Also having a script meant on a hard day, I was less likely to be grumpy about unreasonable demands being made of me.

This is so good. This has so much gold in it. This is validating flexible, kind, just like great practical advice for a situation that parents with teenagers are in all the time.

“If you need an answer now, the answer has to be now.”

But if you can wait a bit, I might be able to make it work. Oh my gosh, so great, Claire. You guys see what I mean? People ahead of us have such great ideas. So thank you for sharing Claire and congratulations on being the lazy juniors of the week.

A quick bulletin board moment. You might have noticed that today's episode is a little different than it has been over the last year or so. And we hope that you like it. The episodes have gotten a bit longer recently in the last year, which can be hard for those of you trying to fit just like the main topic of the episode into a shorter commute.

You know, that's shorter than the episode. So until further notice, we're going to jump right into the episode topic each week. And then we'll end with all the extra stuff, which will typically be a many office hours in the lazy juniors of the week. And then we'll have these little bolts and board moments that will sort of let you know what's going on. We deeply, deeply appreciate all of your feedback from our last audience survey that helped us adjust this show and continue to make it more enjoyable.

And hopefully a more helpful listening experience for you too.

I always say that our survey feedback matters and this is more evidence of that.

Like we really listen to what you guys say. So thank you for your feedback to everybody who filled it out. In the next podcast recap email, I'm going to share a quick note from my boys connected to this episode. I'm hoping that they're going to answer my questions about like one thing they enjoy about how I parent them and one thing they don't. At the very least, I will share like a photo of the tiny versions of them or something.

That if you would like to get that email, you can sign up at the lazygenuscolective.com/recap. It summarizes the episode for you, which could be great if you absorb things visually, then you can like read these nine principles. It goes out every other Thursday, so feel free to sign up if you'd like it. If this episode is helpful to you, share it with someone you know or leave a review on Apple Podcasts. Both are small ways to support the show that usually helpful to us, so thank you for your support.

This podcast is part of the Odyssey family and the Office Ladies Network. This episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi, produced by Leah Jarvis, an executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jennifer Shar, and Angela Kinsey. Thanks y'all for listening and until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra, I'll see you next week. [Music]