Amanda Kloots On How To Turn Pain Into Purpose, Heal After Loss, & Build Unshakable Resilience

Amanda Coots, so many of you know her, she's a health fitness and lifestyle authority

who has really successfully evolved into a multi-platform host and actress. You also may remember her as a present during COVID. The challenges that she experienced with her husband's COVID-19 illness and passing was something that she opened up about, and in this episode we talk about loss and she's open and she's raw with her grief, and we talk about dating after loss, and we discuss how she's mothered

through it all. Amanda is warm engaging and has a really unique way about opening up about grief, with that and Amanda welcome to the Bostics. Well you have built quite the community. Thank you.

It's impressive how you've built and it seems to me that it was like seamless and natural

“and not like strategically built. Does that make sense?”

Yeah, and you're right, it wasn't, and that's I think what continues to surprise me actually in a weird way, but it was very, very natural and felt just like, even back like I consider building that community starting like with my fitness business. That was when like everything kind of just started like my first understanding of what community is was back in those days. You started in fitness, right?

I started in Broadway, like performing. We do that, we do that. Yes, tell me about starting in Broadway. Broadway seems very intense. It is. I was 18 years old. I moved to New York City and my mom and dad let me. I was going to a school to your conservatory with no college degree and I just was like

I'm going to do this. And two days before I graduated I booked the National Tour of 42nd Street

and I was on my way. Broadway is absolutely amazing. I did it for 16 years. It teaches you so much

about yourself going for your dreams believing in yourself who you are. It's like lessons upon lessons, resilience, it taught me resilience, dedication, you know, just saying yes instead of no, just constantly telling yourself yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, because everyone else is telling you know, it's a lot, you know, but it's wonderful. I'm grateful. When you show up on an audition and then you actually get it because a lot of people don't

even obviously make it to Broadway. Yeah, that's not even a hair of the work that goes into

“what you have to do to then perform, correct? Oh, yes, yeah, because well, I mean if you're doing a”

Broadway show, you first of all the audition, it can be like a month long. It can be like six auditions before you actually hear anything callbacks and callbacks and callbacks. And so by the time you get the audition or get the call that you got the job, you're literally like screaming, you know, and you mean that you have as an actor as a performer in New York, you have stability, you have insurance, you have a nice paycheck, you feel like you can breathe again. And nowadays,

it's very hard to even keep a Broadway show open, so you don't even know how long that's going to last, but you're so excited just to have that stability in your life again. But then,

yes, yeah, you go into rehearsals, sometimes you go into workshops first, then rehearsals,

then an out of town try out, then coming back to Broadway. I mean, it can be a year before you even make it to your Broadway opening night. So what were you doing to support yourself when you're dealing with all, when you're going, waiting that whole, that's a long time to wait. Oh, I mean, you name it. I was a spray tan artist. I danced it for a month's bus. I dressed up like princesses. I danced some boxes. Thank you. I just am very, I'm very tall. I danced some boxes at corporate

events in different kinds of costumes. I mean, you name it. I did it. I found fitness, though, was kind of like once I started teaching fitness, I was like, okay, this is my throughline to keep myself alive in between and out of shows. What's so interesting to me is when we were researching for this show, your name comes up with someone who has a lot of grit and you're so inspirational to so many people, but it seems to me that a lot of that foundation comes from the

Broadway experience feels like, like, that taught you like a lot of different things. Yeah, for

“sure work, I think you guys. I mean, you, you know, when you're, when you're in such a competitive”

job, you are going to these auditions. Everyone looks like you. Everyone's talented. Everyone deserves

girls for 12, 12 spots on the line that year. I mean, like, it is, you just, yeah, it's, it's dedication. You, like I said, you have to believe in yourself. I got to a point where I learned, I had to walk into an audition with Blinders on and, and realized I can only be me. I can go in. I can do the best things that I can do. Blinders on try not to look or focus on anybody else because that just takes away the attention I need to put in on myself. You kind of really have to be a little bit

“selfish. You know what I mean? You have to really like, what matters, what do I need to focus?”

What do I need to learn? How can I, how can I improve? How can I improve? How can I improve? How can I do better? All the time. It's constant. You also can't be late because the, the show, no, you can't be. I should go back and take a Broadway class. You know, it's so

funny. Violate husband. We did our last show together, bullets over Broadway. And that man was always

late and there were like a few times that that he was just a little too late and that he wasn't allowed to do the show because if you, if you miss that half hour call, the under study, it's, it's all in fairness, right? Like, there's somebody that's waiting there being told Iran. And so for Nick, he just, he was always just a little late. I think like, I don't, it's hard for me as somebody who's on time to understand the concept of being late. Do not get on your highs right now.

You're not the most on time. It's almost harder to be late than on time. Okay. Let's, it would stress me out too much. You were late to the gym the last three weeks every day.

“Who do I drive for the gym with? Me, but you can't, that you have to be able to blame yourself”

and take accountability. No, but it's, it's, you know, it, you watch her sometimes because we obviously do this together. Yes. We're learning to take separate vehicles. No, it's not. I was here in my office waiting until. Yes, we're going to avoid divorce. But I will watch her start to get ready or, and, and watch the time she thinks is appropriate to start getting ready. I'm like, this is, like, there's no way there's enough time for this. I have ADHD, but I don't want it to become

my full identity. So I won't go into it that much, but I do think I have ADHD. What are your signs? Mary's Gemini. Okay. What's your sign? I'm a Pisces, but my sister is an Aquarius and she is very much like you ADHD. I'm sitting there being like, oh, but if I tell her, she's going to yell at me and

she's going to say she's going to be ready and then she's always like a half hour to an hour like,

yes, somehow it's like, I like turned into the bad guy for just wanting to be on time for people.

“I just, it's a real mind. You should look at your own exam in your own life because you're attracted”

to it. Um, okay. I own issues. What point did you meet Nick on Broadway? We met doing the reading for bullets of her Broadway. So talk about a journey to a Broadway show. A reading is a reading of the script with hired actors to see if the show is even going to work out. A lot of times they'll invite producers and people that will invest in the show. Luckily, this show was already getting a lot of attention and Woody Allen was involved with course and Susanstrom was directing

and there was a big producer involved. So we met at that reading. Yeah, love it for sight. No, no, I was married and he was dating somebody and I was happily married at the time. So no, we were just friends. Yeah, I mean, barely really even talked that whole week that we did the reading because I was in the ensemble and he was a lead and not that we don't in her mix, but it was there's a lot of time to mingle. It's like, you're there to work and then you leave. You better

watch out if I decide to go on Broadway. I do have quite the Broadway singing voice. So you let her watch out. Well, she believes so. I think so. I'll show you off air. Okay, please. I, I, I, I wish I still had mine. You know, it's a muscle of the voice. You lose it over time and I, I luckily just did a show this past January. You guys after not performing for 12 years and like a theater space and I took voice lessons here to prepare myself because I was like, I just want to like

make sure that this comes back and it did. It's a muscle. It comes back. But so what point, how do you guys start dating? If you're married and he's in a relationship, what does that look like? So I unfortunately started to go through a separation with my ex husband and then turned that turned into a divorce. And as that was falling apart, Nick and I just became like good friends,

like after the show, we were always, you know, hanging out with the whole cast. A lot of times after

a Broadway show, it's 1045 and a lot of people, especially if the cast is young, go like, where we go and, you know, you go to a bar and so I think that kind of saw that I was down and we just started chatting one night and became like really good friends and he could relate to my experience and so I kind of just blurred it everything out and we just, you know, got close from that. And then I, I remember being like, oh no, like I think I'm starting to like this guy and like in the midst of

It seems like if you're on set with people like that and you are single or you want to date,

“like it seems like you get close really fast. That's why we do the show together. Like we're”

that's like I'm here. I'm right here. I'm right here. I know you're there. Yeah, don't, don't do separate shows guys with other people. No, it's, it is very hard. You guys, I will say like Broadway performing, I think, you know, even Hollywood film and TV. It's tough. You're around really talented, attractive people. I'm Broadway, you know, I'm in the ensemble. You're wearing less than nothing. You're in these cute little, flirty outfits and, you know, it's, you're spending a way too

much time together. And because you're in this environment like day one, you're like, oh, hello, day two, I'm sitting on your lap in a scene and, you know, we're just like hanging out and

I'm like combing your hair. Like it's, and it's normal. It's intimate. And the thing is, it's normal.

And every, you, you could be happily married. And a cast member sees me on your lap and nobody thinks anything of it because it's what everybody's doing. So it's, it can be, it can be very obsessed. Well, I imagine if you're the partner that's not involved, even if you say you're comfortable and you try to be comfortable. Like that, it takes a toll. It's hard. It's really hard. What would you do if you saw me in my Broadway debut singing on someone's lap? Would you be okay

with that? Oh, thanks so. Really? Well, we'll just fast track it to like, let's just, we know where this is going to go. Really? So good looking dude out there, better voice than me. And you're just singing and doing to others. I just might be like, hey, let's just fast track this to the end. Wow, I learned something new. It's a pain. I'm telling you, it's tough. What I know to understand is sometimes like you get these couples and they're like, they're in

porn. One of them. And the guys like, or the girls like, yeah, I'm good with that. I'm like, that's hard. It's a little different than Broadway. Well, I don't know. I would hope so.

“I mean, I think, I thought, but they're like, yeah, this is going to work out. I'm like,”

this isn't going to work out in the long way. This is not possible. I don't know how comfortable you are. It's, it's a listen. I, it's worse. I think on tour. I did three national tours and tours very hard because you're away from your home. You're away from your family. You're not in real life. And when I was going through my divorce, my ex husband was on a tour. I was on Broadway. We were not seeing each other. He's with his cast. I'm with my cast. It's tough. It's really like you

have to be strong and really trust your person. Yeah. And if a relationship has already struggling and you put distance, like I was saying, like in the future, if my daughter's ever dating someone, yeah. And he's being a shithead. I'm going to be like, we're going to take a long trip away. He plans this out. He already has this plan out. Because there's something about traveling a far distance that makes the person, you like, it kind of diminishes your care. I don't know.

I don't know. That's something right away. But you know what I mean? Like you get over a breakup faster when you travel when it's your lingerie. You're going to took you away from me and you still came back. So what happened? We didn't know what I was doing all the way. I was feeling all right. I was feeling all right too. I had my own stuff going on, don't worry. But the point actually that's a true story when he did that, you just get over things way faster, where if you're like

wallowing in the same city and you're around. Yeah. Take yourself out of your environment. Yeah. So how did your love story with Nick evolve? Slowly over these conversations. We just kind of became really close with these intimate conversations about where my life was going and he became, you know what's funny, you guys. I've noticed this in both of the big traumatic things in my life. Like when you're going through something really hard, you, and I've heard a lot of

people say it's actually, but we make a general statement, but you know, keep in mind. You end up trusting or or depending on people that you barely know. Yeah. And for some reason, you don't want to talk to your best friend. You talk to the new neighbor that you just met down the street who all of a sudden is becoming your new best friend because she wants to hear your traumas. And that was Nick. He was there for me. And he just wanted to talk and he let me cry on his shoulder.

And he was just a really great supportive friend. And I just started trusting him. And then we just

“really kind of started falling in love with each other. And when did you guys end up getting married?”

We got married in September of 2017. So three years after bullets of a Broadway ended. And and you said Elvis came in June 2019. Yes. So he came about two years later. Yes. Okay. And so when you guys have a baby, he obviously was it seems from your book was a static.

What was that like? Yeah. Nick always wanted to be a father since he was 10. He really was

hoping for a little girl. So it was a very funny gender reveal that we had when it was a little boy. Not know. He didn't know. And he wasn't shocked. He just like his face dropped. He just really thought

it was like, you know, it's that new parent trauma for sure. We knew we didn't know what to do.

Elvis is crying. And we're fighting. And we're trying to survive. But it still was, you know, those early parent days of just trying to figure it out. And then I had a baby. And January 2020. And literally the month after COVID happened. March, March, COVID happened. Yeah. Well, it was announced. Right. He was going on probably in January, February. Yeah. When that gets announced, what were you guys just doing? What everyone else was doing? What was your

pandemic life? Yeah, we were. We were, we were already living here. We had moved here the September, September of 2019. So Elvis was only three months old. And we were living at my friend's guest house. And we just started hearing about COVID. But we had to fly back to New York City to

pack up our apartment officially in New York. So March, the first week of March, we flew back with

Elvis. And then that's when, if you guys remember, that like second week of March, New York City started shutting down like day by day by day. The world started like getting very scary. You were glued to the news. We flew back on St. Patrick's Day of 2020. And JFK was empty. Empty. Yeah. March, the reason I remember it is I was doing a deal and it closed literally the day before the pandemic was announced. And right after that, shit hit the fan. Yeah. We were here in LA. And everything, I mean,

“I think people that were in LA or San Francisco or New York, the big cities because now we're”

in off something. Yeah. That was a totally different experience than a lot of other places. At least in the US because the big cities just fully became ghost tones. Yeah. When I, I was in New York for 9/11 and then for COVID. And when you see New York City shut down, you know something. Because like New Yorkers don't care. And those two times like when New York is a ghost town, it's scary. It really and I remember leaving LA that day driving to JFK with Elvis in the car and Nick beside

me and just seeing like the empty streets. And it was like this is really scary. What's so crazy to me about your story with your book and your story in general is that you look at you and Nick and you guys look so young and it's you almost think like when when the pandemic was happening, it's almost like that's you're not who I would pick to end up in the hospital. It's like it's you guys look so young and like it's it's confusing. Yeah. I agree with you. I still think it's going to be

so healthy. I know he was. He was completely healthy. I know. It's so weird that sometimes I have to

“like remind myself that that happened. That's how weird it is that that whole thing. I mean like”

it is like when I go back into my phone and look at photos or you know photos come up on your phone, it takes my breath away sometimes. I'm like how like it just doesn't feel real. You know what I mean? So for the audience it's unfamiliar with your story. Nick ended up passing away. Yeah. The terrible. What was that like when you were going through the process? Because people remember they also when people were getting medical care they would isolate the families from the person

were you guys able to be with each other? Yes you you were. Yeah. Well thank God. So Nick was COVID positive but then he got over over COVID and he was COVID negative. But what COVID did his lungs and the pneumonia that was in his body was so bad that that's what kind of started everything. It was actually April 10th that I got the phone call that he spoke to Fever and he had to he was dead on the table. They had to resuscitate him in his life as minute to minute.

At that point in time though he was already COVID negative. He was supposed to be taken off the ventilator and sent to rehab and come home in like six days and instead I got a phone call that he died. So it was a complete and utter shock obviously and it just spiraled.

It just spiraled from there and he never could you know days in the ICU I had to fight to get

into the hospital every day. I mean they didn't let me in for a very long time but because he wasn't on a COVID floor and because I was being tested and because he was still COVID negative that's where I was led in once in a blue moon for you know every day was different. Some days I was led in for an hour or some days I was led in for 45 minutes. The first time I was ever led in was to sign papers that he could die because his leg was being impitated so that's the

“only reason why I was led into the hospital about it. Why did they need to impitate his leg?”

When they put him on the machine to save his life after April 10th when he died on the table

four large cannules which are huge tubes that you know connect the device to your arteries. It was unfortunately put in the wrong way and it caused a blood clot and the blood clot caused him to lose his right leg. Let's take a quick break to talk about bee keepers naturals. One of our favorite companies we've had Carly the founder of beekeepers naturals on this show multiple times and that is because we love the products that they're creating over a beekeeper's

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such a fragile state already to begin with. Yes. We have a global pandemic that no one has a handbook for. Like you can't call like your best friend and say what's your tip on this? There's no man you'll for this. And then you have your husband and I see you and you can barely even go in and see him. Yes. And you have this newborn at home. This is like it's it's such unique circumstances. How were you able to even compartmentalize when you were back home? It was it was really a weird

“first of all I think I am lucky. I have a weird cart compartmentalized brain. I can do that”

very easily. Sometimes it scares me how much I can do it. I will just say that when I would leave the hospital it was the hardest thing in the entire world because I would look at my husband. He was

in a coma and I knew the second I left his side. No one would be there by him. By you know

me no one. Yeah. Except a nurse come in to check or whatever but he was laying in a room completely silent. I requested music to be played at 24/7 but like he was alone. But I was still breastfeeding at the time. So I was under you know those limitations. And I had to get back to my son. And I would literally look at my husband and have to like just turn around get in my car and just be like flip a switch and walk into the house and go, "Hi Elvis, how are

and like completely switch into mom mode and be smiling and happy?" And I felt by polar. I really did I remember literally driving up Laurel Canyon Boulevard being like okay here we go flip the switch

“like bipolarness comes now let's go. It was I don't I don't know. I think when you're under that”

much like trauma you just do things that are superhuman. I don't know. I don't know and you ever experience anything significant trauma before that? No no. I mean this is this is it's so many different layers it's not like one thing there's so much there's so much going on yeah at what point did you decide to turn to social media for like some kind of outlet? That was pretty early on because Nick was in the ICU on a ventilator and in a medically induced coma and I had I had a small little

Instagram following from my fitness business and so I felt like and I was going live every day teaching fitness like 20 minute fitness classes for everybody just to like yeah yeah well it was it was helping me too you know what I mean every so many people were doing that like live painting class like like anything and so I was going live every day and I wasn't like I felt like I was wasn't being honest like I was teaching this 20 minute fitness class and my husband was laying

“in a ICU bed so I finally just decided like I think it's important to talk about that my husband”

who had no symptoms is in the ICU and just tested positive for COVID and he's 41 and he's a perfectly healthy man and so everybody just needs to kind of check in and be safe because like we were doing everything we were supposed to be doing isolating not going anywhere and this still happened is weird it almost sounds like there was like a little bit of like guilt associated with it yeah because doing the class like doing the classes like you weren't supposed to be doing

that because he was there but he were doing it also to stay sane in a way yes I have a hard time I'm a very transparent person I'll tell you anything you want to know maybe to a full you know maybe to not the best ability like I just I'm an open book and so I did feel like

any mean like if something's going on in my life I can't also just like "Hi everybody let's go

don't even fit this class and then you know what I mean this huge thing was happening on the other side I don't know I just I felt like I had a responsibility to just say what was going

“on what shocked you about sharing I think the community this is where I guys it was like the most”

beautiful surprise in the entire world every single day there would be more people more people and more people that were supporting me and my husband his family my family it became like what I called an army and to this day they're still behind me and I mean support me pray for Elvis and I like it is so beautiful but they were lifeline you know it's like who wants to be a millionaire

we were stuck in a little cabin fire selves nobody could visit us I mean you all remember

how you couldn't see anybody it was like insanely you know just you were just alone and then I had this huge online community that as soon as I would press live it was like a full lot of support and it wasn't until after Nick passed away and I was doing a therapy session and I was like

“I felt really weird about even confessing this but I was like you know there were days that I”

did not want to go live at 3 p.m. and sing but I forced myself to because I would feel better after like singing his song and like going live and I don't know why and he's like you don't know why it's like it's community Amanda he was like everybody goes through things better in a community instead of alone this is also really weird but again I'm sure you already know this but singing the vibration and your throat is really good for your like chakra yes

Serving came on our podcast and said humming is one of the most therapeutic things you can do so you mix that with the community that must have been really cathartic for you yes and there is also another thing where if you are really anxious if you hum it's impossible to hum a song and think

at the same time of your anxious thought or something like that so it's it is like first of all

music is so healing I'm such a believer in music and sound and instruments and voice so so grateful to that but then yes like having an army from around the world like I would wake up to people you know all over the world saying that they're singing with me praying for me I mean helping me with medical advice you know telling me to call this doctor that doctor this you know it was

“insane it was so amazing forever grateful I think even people who didn't know you personally like”

even you know I saw from afar what's going on you you want to like support you even though you don't know you does that make sense there was something about you that was like everyone wanted to support you tell us about the singing you mentioned it a little bit but what actually happened with that if someone doesn't know yes okay so this is a good it was a good story so we were face timing Nick my best friend was over we were face timing Nick because at that point they weren't allowing me into the hospital

and but they would allow you know the nurses were being so sweet face timing a lot of people were doing this with their person I said to Nick over the face time I was like we got to play a song like what song would be a good idea to sing and we picked an Elvis Presley song and the nurse was like oh my gosh his numbers are getting better so like when you're in the ICU especially if you're in the hospital too but the ICU like it is a numbers game and you start to learn these numbers like

they are your best friends telephone number when you were five years old you know what I mean like you just know like if it's this it means good if it's this it means bad if it's this he needs more medicine if it's that you know it's terrible so she's like his numbers are getting better keep singing and we are singing at the top of our lungs over this face time and then I got on a lot of live and I told this story and I said tomorrow can everybody get on this live at 3 p.m.

and all sing this Elvis Presley song and maybe it'll help Nick from afar like the vibration of singing the energy he's a singer he loves music like let's just send all that good energy to him Priscilla Presley DMed me she was on the live I mean I was freaking out so the next day I was like we gotta do this again and I was like what Nick is a singer he loves music he writes his own music and he just released this song called live your life and I was like instead of singing

Elvis Presley song let's sing this song that nobody knows it's my husband song go live your life

on the radio and he died people were singing it all over the world next dream was to be a rock star

and you guys he died to life fifth a rock star wow that's an amazing story so when he dies what

I mean imagine there's a million things going through mine but where do you immediately go to you start thinking like your son you start thinking like well how do you start to think about moving forward you know immediately I just felt like I failed I will say it like it was such a battle I felt like Nick and his head doctor and I were in like a war together and when I finally conceded that his body was being completely run on machines and that his his mother

and I looked at each other and we were just like it's not him anymore it's a shell of a human being

“and I think this is time it just felt like failure it was really it was really hard but sorry I”

make it emotional I think back in those days it's just day by day I mean it's still so fresh six years later and you're with his mother too I mean that's even yeah his mom was here still my whole family was here I remember just like taking a lot of walks sleeping a lot thank God for Elvis you know you guys he he saved me on a daily basis he still does but he's it was it was so helpful to have like somebody had to take care of because it took I couldn't be selfish I had to you know support him

I had to feed him I had to like put him to bed I had to you know I had to do all of everything for him did it also feel like maybe you also had a piece of your husband with him yes not right away but eventually yes a thousand percent and now even like he's so much like Nick it's so wonderful and I'm so I feel all the time so lucky what made you decide to write this book about your experience I I did it it was I happened Stan's Lisa Sharky who is at Harper Collins

“reached out to me and she had met me before it was like you should write a book and I was like”

what I don't I didn't even write a diary you guys like I was not a I'm not a writer I don't journal and I said her I don't know and she was like you should write this down and she's like this is a good story you're gonna want this written down and I said to her let me think about it I said my sister is a writer she's an amazing writer and she has been with me baby we could do it together and Lisa really championed me and my sister to do it and I'm very very very grateful for her

it was an incredibly hard thing to do but I'm so grateful I have this now for Elvis especially like

there's just things and details on that book that I would never remember today you know what I mean

but having to do it right away after losing Nick everything was so fresh that it just like

“flooded out and it ended up being honestly the first thing I did for myself therapy wise”

I didn't even realize I was doing it you know what I mean that I was helping myself cope but it was very very helpful and it and now it's like one of us something I told any any widow or widow or anyone I mean I'm like just start writing like even if it means nothing that even if you know even ever want to publish anything just write like write down what's in your head it helps so much to like understand and process the information you know when you have gone through all of this grief

and you you write this book about it and then also I know that you speak about it a lot how do you kind of zip up because I think people obviously want to come and share their story which can be overwhelming because you're dealing with your own thing actually it's the exact opposite I love talking grief and who would have ever thought but I love connecting with people on their grief it is so comforting have you ever talked to David Kessler yes I've met him I met him at a party and we had a

brief little chat he's amazing and we need to chat more he he and I yes very much connected and I but I'll tell you what guys I instantly connect to any kind of widow or widow or obviously

I it's like a pain that you never want to have to know but once you know it it's it's like an

someone instantly and I I really love hearing people stories it helps me so much I you know a lot of people can't talk a grief because it brings up a lot of emotions and it does but for me it's just comforting it's healing I find it nice to know that somebody understands my pain and that we have a mutual understanding of of life and the appreciation of life and death but you think the biggest thing you've learned from grief is it's like that you were not aware of prior yeah that grief two things

“I think the first thing I probably thought right away is this is gonna be hard but I'll be better in a”

year and I think grief taught me that I'll never be better I'm just gonna live with it maybe you

intuitively knew though that to get through it you had to tell yourself that maybe or maybe it's something we're told right and you you think that you're just believing it because it's what you're told and I don't even know when you're told that but I think there's like a weird timeline that people put on you with grief that like what's been a year it's almost like you know it's almost like it's framed as like it's something you heal from like a wound like it closes

up and goes away but it doesn't yeah that's I think that's a really good way to put it and I think I even thought that so I think that's the first thing they grief taught me that it's it's

“it's something I live with and then I think the only thing is how much changes every single”

part of you and it's okay because it's made me a better person it's made me love differently

and live differently and cherish things differently but I would have never expected that

either you know I just I it it changes you big time I think something that's so inspiring about you is you could have just kind of retreated and and laid around and you know really you were a victim like you could have really you know just stopped everything you were doing and you did it you really pushed forward I mean to me like I you seem like you went and you just made this gorgeous career after that he would probably be so proud of was that something that you were sort of thrown

“into is it something that you wanted to do did it help you get over the grief?”

Yes to all of those things it's funny I will say there's there's days where I'm like gosh why did I just just lay there you could have I could have it's so justifiable yeah and sometimes I

even wonder like why why do you hustle so hard like take a second it's never been me if I look

back and I'm in at 18 years old or even 16 years old I'm just I've never been that person you keep moving it's just I keep moving and I think it's a defense mechanism I think it's a coping mechanism for sure I also think that I am just I've learned to be resilient and I appreciate and like being resilient I love being creative I also love putting pain into purpose and so I think that that's the other big thing that I've learned is like okay I have this pain I'm living with it now I

have to make something of it like I have to do something to to be better is is I think my just in who I am that's really very inspiring when you started doing the talk after yeah and putting yourself out there yeah like that it was that like you know you guys I watched a clip on instagram today of Savannah gone three coming back on the today show hard and I I was like wow no one understands how hard what that woman just did is like the pep talk she probably had to give herself in the mirror

before she walked out on national television I understood it instantly and that I think the talk was a natural progression for me I really think it gave me a such a family when I had none and again it was still a height of COVID we were kind of all just at our homes and it gave me such a wonderful fun place to go to every day I got to get into a costume I got to get my hair done like my wig and I got to go to my live Broadway show it was like I was back on Broadway and I was

talking to five gorgeous women who made me laugh and we didn't have an audience yet because everything

grief I was like three months out I don't know how I did that to be honest I really I don't know

“that's that cart part metalizing I guess like in me but it did save me and it was really hard I”

mean there were days when I was sobbing up until I would walk out on stage but um or sobbing I mean early early talk episodes I cry a lot I'm sorry I'm sorry it's I was raw it was very very raw where are you at today what is your your life look like today okay so life today is pretty good I will say

I it's six years and I've done so much work I myself you guys at that I finally feel like

I've I have a grip on on grief on what it's taught me how I know that it will forever keep teaching me things and how I have to keep moving forward I have to keep healing and I have to keep striving for that very grateful for Elvis and our relationship we have such a strong bond I have a great group of friends and a huge a huge support system here in Los Angeles thank God and a community of people that's still support love us so it's it's been a journey but it's good this episode is brought to you

by Zaisal I am so allergic to cats the worst and I use Zaisal allergy 24 hour okay if you're like

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you can never credit for who this is boss yeah and she she was she was just on she was saying

that there was like this weird kind of like shame or guilt that was put on her especially from other women specifically yeah and you know she's young still your young still and she's like well you know one of my sister do you just sit there and be alone forever do you so how do you think about it it is absolutely true I did get a lot of hate and a lot of shame for when I started dating again a lot of support too but it's there and you know you guys understand this like when you're

in the public eye and there's like one out of a hundred comments that it's negative like it's not gonna get in there you're on my phone and I you know are ratio might be a little bit of the one out of a hundred more than for being on you know what I mean and I'll tell you what changed it though I was so frustrated that I ended up getting on an Instagram live with a fellow widow who I met through the community of being the widow and widow and widow and I got on live

right away and I just faced it and I was like you want to know what the face of dating again after being a widow or widow or looks like you want to judge us let's have a real conversation and let's talk about this and let's put it out there so that everyone that's shaming us in sitting on their couch and judging us from moving on or moving forward or loving again or trying again can see how hard and what it actually really looks like because it's not putting on your

cute little dress and being excited about your date oh yeah it's the exact opposite you're

“sobbing to and from the date you can't decide if you should wear your wedding ring or not”

you feel guilty you feel judged you feel horrible I had a panic attack after my first

for I couldn't even drive home my girlfriend had to calm me down in the car and come get me I couldn't drive home and yet people are going oh you pregnant again or you're dating again I'm like wow you have no idea how hard this is and what do you think the judgment comes from is it like they're all in security and what's the expectation of you I mean because like for me like I guess like I think more logically it doesn't compute that you would just

sit around and be alone forever I mean you have a ton of your life in front of you well you know to each zone every you know some people can't or don't even want to try again or move forward which is which is their path and their story I knew when I knew when Nick passed away I would want to try to love again I knew he would want me to try to love again I would want this thing for him so when I was ready I didn't feel any of that guilt or shame

but I don't know people are very judgey as you know as you guys know and and I always I kind of

feel like I'm the person like if you you don't if you can't walk in my shoes then you can't

come over put them on see what it's like no I mean like we joke with each other to have something

happen it's not it's not a good joke but we were saying like you'd have to be alone but like if you're really if I'm being honest and you're and you care about the person something happened to me I wouldn't want Lauren especially with the kid to just be alone I would personally want her to be able to continue to live a happy full life right so it to me it makes a ton of sense and I imagine your late husband would want you to find happiness as sure oh yeah for sure

I I that's Nick was a lover I mean he loved me more than anything in the world and and Elvis but he would have I mean if he could have spoke when he died he would have totally said like I mean he'd have you better his mother did it which was the the Swedish thing the entire world

“his mom before he died pulled me aside it was like you need to find love again don't you”

ever think that we would not want you to be happy and marry somebody again and I was just like at the time I was like Leslie Dota she's like no you listen to me and I was like wow you know she was

amazing you're also working on this looks like a very cool brand called proper they all

us about that this seems really amazing and positive it is thank you you know I obviously have been in fitness and wellness for so long now you know you get to a point where you're influencing a bunch of other products and supplements all the time and I was and I'm a single mom and I'm running around and you're trying to be healthy and I just wanted to create something that was easy and efficient and good for people that gave them some hope in their day that was

affordable and made sense that was made from whole food derived you know ingredients that was good for you and so along came proper and I started it with five different supplements that you

can it's one scoop in your water or smoothie a day and it's just it's for that person that just

“needs to do one thing to make them feel good about themselves that day in my opinion I think we're”

a little bit over saturated with what we're being told to do and you know you you get on any kind of social media platform and everyone's like you need this and you need this and you need this and I think we've stopped listening to what we need you know what you mean like if you really tune in and like what does Amanda need you know you mean oh I'm not I'm not eating great right now because I'm traveling a lot I need daily greens you know you might not need daily greens maybe

you're eating great right now do know what you mean oh well I find you to come green but you know what I mean it's like instead of listening to what our body needs and really being in tune with what I need in that day we're just being told you need greens maybe you do it's a hard thing to you know some of the you know the ratio of one out of 100 critics of this show will say like there's so much and because imagine like you you talked a lot of different people and experts

and they're coming on and they say you need this supplementary that I'm looking at fiber I'm looking at protein and they ask how we decipher and I think one you have the conversation there's a lot of different perspectives but then really it's like listening to yourself and figuring out what works for you what I was trying to tell people was like if you listen to all a thousand of these

“episodes there's gonna be crazy by the way like you should not be doing every single thing that”

every single person I come at and you got to step back and see what works for me like what makes me feel good what do I need yes I like there's a lot of you that come on and it sounds great but I'm like I can't I can only do so much yes I created this you guys I'm gonna use my sister as an example my sister lived in Houston and she has three kids she is an Uber driver to all of their activities and sports and everything she lives out of her car she's barely at home they eat a lot of

fast food because she has kids and she's constantly driving from here to there in everywhere she doesn't take care of herself she doesn't eat properly she doesn't have the time and I created these supplements for that woman that just needs to go I'm gonna be in my car all day I'm gonna go scoop of greens I'm gonna put it in my water bottle and at least I did that and or I need extra energy today and I don't want to drink another cup of coffee I'm gonna grab my energy boost put it in my

water and it's gonna make me feel better and I've making a better choice than what I could possibly do for myself that day and it's not a hundred fifty dollars it's twenty eight it's less than a dollar a scoop I think that's so nice not to be overwhelmed yes there's so many people you're right you go on Instagram and all those girls shaking on their vibrating plate and you're one of those no no I have something to say I have something to say about everyone shaking on the vibrating

and she said she goes you have to open your lymphatic system before you shake on the plate because her ulcer just shaking fluid around your body oh interesting so you I you go on my point

“as you go on you see everyone doing something you think you have to do it but no one's telling”

you that it's not even doing anything if you don't open your lymphatic system yes so it is important I think to to really dive into what you're doing and make sure you take a look at it before just doing something we don't know what to do these I look at all of these things as things to further enhance the things you should be like you're probably getting proper sleep you should be doing something for your mind you should be moving your body you should be having good water but

like we know but the other stuff is like in addition to but if you're not doing some of those things all of those things like you know shaking on a plate's not gonna save you you know what though I will say is that we are lucky to live in these big cities right Austin LA New York City we have a little bit more we're availability obviously in a little bit more awareness right you guys might so I'm from Ohio and the the the man that helped me create proper Ben Bennett

he's also from Ohio and raised by a single mom and we bonded over this fact that like my mom

God love her I love you mom so much but she wakes up the first thing that she does is drink

coffee doesn't drink an ounce of water doesn't eat breakfast what's with that generation doing that I don't know they love to just put the coffee down the throat can we have an electrolyte first yeah by 3 pm she has a headache she's tired she her bones hurt she doesn't she doesn't know and I go mom have you drank water today I mean I'll do I had coffee that's not water mom so like water in the coffee from her perspective I'm saying this because you said we know what to do

my mom whose daughter is in fitness and wellness still doesn't listen to me she doesn't do what she's supposed to do it's like why I created this because it's like just do that bed just put the

“scoop in your water if that's the best thing you can do for you she's doing it now or touch”

what I'm home or parents generation where I'm empathetic because my parents same way

maybe just got my I think my dad's he's turning you know 82 and he finally sort of drinking

glass of water like finally after all this time but like they were the most commercialized mass marketed generation in the history of time right like they they got very few channels right there was a few channels on television that pushed all the same it's why when you go and look at the 90s and 80s and it's so nostalgic everybody had the same thing and ate the same food is what did the same store yeah now we have so much information and so much abundance of

choice but that generation was taught this is how you practice medicine this are the cleaning products you used this is the food meat this is and that was just like pushed down their throats from basically the late 60s to the early 2000s yeah and so you know a lot of them were sold like like for the longest time I had to argue with my dad he was a diet cook is good for you it's dying like you know he would literally tell me it's better for you and and I and I looked back at

it now and like that's insane but if you look at the information they were being fed yeah also the medicine they were prescribed the products like all of it and so I'm empathetic to them now because they that's just what they had same I grew with you I my dad eats Oreos breakfast and you know we do we do our best I try to help but like I I understand my grandpa lived till 97 years old any eight a bowl of ice cream at every single night and no one was gonna tell him not yet it's

actually good for you I did too recently and I'm very happy about that you know like so like a really recently had RFK junior on the show and that was received it all sorts of different

“feedback I can imagine but what he was one of the things that I think is very interesting is that”

the tobacco companies took over big food in the 60s like one basically when we started pushing cigarettes out those those companies said let's what are we going to do to keep people and they bought into that process so it's okay process food addicted addictive food and all that and that's like what are parents had to come up with and so there was a lot of forces I think working against them to provide unhealthy habits that I think now this generation is starting to recognize and hopefully

turn around but you know they they were at the mercy of a lot of that agreed and I think that that

is a really good point and I always tell people like if they say like what what can I do like you know

what's an easy thing I can do I'm always like hydrate drink more water move your body sleep and stay away from processed foods I'm drinking propers watermelon berry and it's delicious it's daily electrolytes and trace minerals definitely try that one congratulations on everything you have going on you also have a children's book that I'm so excited to read tell me your dreams tell me your dream

good book and where can we find you where can we say hi only on Instagram pretty much guys I'm technically challenged and that's where I put everything at Amanda clues thank you so much for coming