Mel Robbins: Take Back Your Power in Business and  Life with This Mindset Shift | Productivity | YAPClassic

"I'm always good." "I'm always very happy."

"I've always said, "Frischis for Aldi."

"For Aldi price." "This week, Mini Wassermilone, the kilo for only €1.29." "Or nectarines." "The only kilo for only €1.89."

"In a decade, there are many important things in your Aldi-Nortfield." "And furthermore, just take a look." Aldi. "Goodness. Fiat Island." "You're one decision away from a completely different life."

"And for me, that decision was getting out of bed when I didn't feel like it." "There's one thing in life you can never control its other people. You can't control what they think. You can't control what they do. You can't control the timeline upon which they change if they change at all."

"You started your TED Talk 41, first book, 49, 50 years old starting your podcast, 54, starting your production company. Fight, there's no timeline." "Life is the greatest teacher.

If you're willing to look at life like one giant lesson." "And I choose to believe that absolutely everything that has happened is...

“I believe that success is as much about not quitting as anything else."”

"So let them is all about releasing control." "Yes, why are we so hard-wired for control to begin with?" "You're never going to get rid of the need of trying to control things. It is like survival instinct. Because if you're in control, you feel safe.

But the problem is, we'll let them theories the single most powerful thing I've ever discovered.

It is a simple mindset tool that shows you what is in your control and what is not in your control. And here's how you use it." "Yap gang, what if the fastest way to take your power back is to stop wasting energy on what you can't control? Stop chasing approval, stop managing reactions. Stop forcing outcomes that aren't ready to happen.

Let them. Then come back to the only part that you can actually control, which is you. That's why we're bringing back a Yap classic with the one and only Mel Robbins. Mel is in New York Times, best-selling author, Megapopcaster, and one of the most trusted voices in personal development.

And this episode she breaks down the let them theory and shares why action matters more than motivation, especially when you're chasing big goals. You guys loved this one. So here it is again for anyone who missed it or just needs their reminder to let them. Welcome to Young Improving Fawcass Mel."

"Well, thank you for inviting me and thank you. I'm so excited to talk to you." "I'm so excited. I've been following your work for such a long time.

I actually first found out about you in 2017 when you had the five-second rule come out.

It was such a big hit. And like millions of people, I was listening to it on repeats, that entire year. And it actually was a huge inspiration for me to start my podcast in 2018. Wow." "Wow."

"You have personally really impacted me and I just want to say thank you for everything you've put out in the world for being so relatable down to Earth and just sharing what's moved for yourself and your own life to help other people." "Well, I really appreciate you acknowledging the difference that the five-second rule and that countdown technique 54321 move.

“How it helped you, but I want to say back to you, you have to keep the credit because you”

do the work." "No." "No, I'm serious. It is easy to talk about motivation. It's easy to give people advice.

It's easy to tell the person who's spending time with us together today. There are stories and the things that work for us, but knowledge is cheap and it's free. And if you don't know how to achieve your goals, go to Google, type in, how do I do this? And AI will spit it out and then say, "What does it day in the life of somebody who's launching this and successfully in five weeks, look like?

There's your map." But that's the easy part. The hard part is making yourself do it, particularly on the days when you don't feel like it. And so I want to acknowledge you for the fact that you both grab the knowledge and then

you put it into action and that's what makes you different. That is what explains my success. You are listening to this right now and spending time with us because you actually want to achieve big goals. So I know that about the person that is listening and choosing to spend time listening

to this. But I'm going to tell you some. This conversation that you're about to listen to means shit if you don't actually convert it to action.

“And that's what we're going to talk about.”

Tools, but then it's going to be to you to take the baton and go. And speaking of that, I was really surprised to find out that when you were first starting out, you did this TED Talk. And you didn't even know it was a TED Talk. TED Talk definitely even exists at that point.

It was like the starting point of TED Talk, you got convinced to do your first speaking event ever. And you thought you blew it. Oh my gosh. So just to put a little backstuff on this, this would have been 2011.

So we're talking, like I'm basically your grandmother now. If you think of this being however many years ago over a decade ago, TED was not a thing. TED was some secret thing that fancy people went to in Seattle. They weren't even online.

And she said, look, a friend of mine is putting on some event in San Francisco.

“And they're looking for somebody to talk about career change mail.”

And I immediately thought about you and look, I don't think that's a compliment. If I'm the first person that you think of, because it means I've bounced from one career to another, which I had. And she said, here's the catch. They're offering you two plane tickets and two nights at the St. Regis.

And at the time, my husband and I were $800,000 in debt because his pizza restaurant was failing and my complete idiots. We had secured it with our life savings, our house, our credit cards, everything. And so when you're that in debt, do you know what? Two tickets and two nights in a hotel sounds like that sounds like a free vacation.

So I said, yes, and the only time I had ever given a speech was in class, in high school, during like a public speaking course. So I said, yes, so fast, I wasn't even imagining a huge auditorium. And that I would have to get up in front of, I don't know, 500 people and talk. And when I stepped on that stage, they do not prepare you or at least they didn't back

then the way they probably do now. Yeah. It was sort of like, here you go. Here's your topic, go.

And if you watch my TED Talk, which now is, I don't know, 33 million views, you will notice

a minute into that thing that I have one of those neckrashes that people get when they've had too much to drink and they're like really blotchy because I was having a complete panic attack. I'm darting around the stage. I'm like talking all over the place and near the end of the speech, I forgot how to

end it. And that was one of the defining moments of my life. And there's a theme about defining moments in my life. I don't know what you're defining moments are like, but mine usually involve embarrassment to much alcohol, bankruptcy desperation, panic attack.

And in that moment when I froze, I couldn't remember what to say. And so I all of a sudden blurred it out. This thing, the five second rule, which you know, which you follow, which I'm sure the person listening knows the little motivation hack.

And I'd never shared it with anybody.

And I couldn't think what else to say, and I just went, oh, there's this thing I do. I call it the five second rule.

“The moment you have an instinct to move, you have to move within five seconds or your”

brain will kill your motivation to act. I walked off that stage and I thought that was it. And that was not it. That was the beginning of something extraordinary. Yeah.

And so your email was flooded. People were using the five or three two one to get up, do what they need to do. Yes. You did not share this fleet with the world for three years. Correct.

You felt like you weren't, you know, ready to give advice, like who would want to listen to you? You felt like you didn't really know the signs behind it. So how did you build up the confidence to then put it out to the world and put in the wraps quite frankly? It's a great question.

And as you're listening to this conversation, whether you're in a car or you're at the gym or you're watching us on YouTube, there is something that you want to do in life. Whether it's launching a business or becoming an influencer or monetizing social or building a YouTube following or publishing books or maybe it's starting your own podcast. I don't know what that thing is.

Maybe you want to become a touring musician. Maybe you want to start a fashion line. There is something in your heart. Maybe you want to land, but I don't know. It's your goals.

Whatever it is that you want. I'm here to tell you that you do not need anybody's permission.

And you do not need to have it all figure out, in fact, you're never going to have it all

figure out. And every single day that you talk yourself out of beginning or taking one step forward is a day that you're keeping yourself locked in a prison of your own making.

“Because if you know something that you want, how dare you withhold it from yourself?”

How dare you talk yourself out of it? How dare you sit there and spend more time and energy manufacturing excuses and worrying about what other people think you get one life. And no one is coming to save you. No one is coming to do the work for you.

Nobody is going to pick you from obscurity and make you a star. Nobody is going to build the business that you want to build. And while you're sitting there drinking with your buddies, bitching about your current job, or you are sitting there telling yourself, "I don't know what to do." You're whole life is waiting for you.

There's literally a door right in front of you that is waiting for you to reach out and freaking turn the knob and open it.

My secret to success is very simple. I get out of fucking bed when I don't feel like it. And of story. And if the five-second rule taught me anything, it's this.

You will never feel ready to do the work.

You will never feel like you are capable of achieving what you want. You will never, ever, ever feel like it's your right to say this.

“And so you have to learn the skill of doing the actions that are aligned with your values,”

your character and your dreams when you don't feel like it. And that's a skill. Yep. And every one of us sits around, I used to sit around and wait to be motivated. Motivation is complete and utter garbage because it's never there when you need it.

And I even hate all this bullshit out there now about discipline and willpower, really. Forget it. You can actually feel lazy and exhausted and unmotivated. And you can still do it and sitting around waiting for the feeling to strike you. That is a recipe that will lead you to your death bed and you'll be one of those people

that they study that say, oh man, my biggest regret is I didn't let myself be myself.

I never went for the things that I wanted to do.

I was so worried about what my dad thought or my mom thought or, you know, my friends thought that I never started. If you don't start now because you say you're not ready or you're not qualified or whatever, then the next issue is going to be, well, I should have started then and now I'm too late.

“And then the next issue is going to be one, two old or I have kids or I have a mortgage”

or I have this or I have that or I have people that depend upon me or I've then in this job for 10 years. It's like it's all bullshit. It's all, it's all something you manufactured in your own head and I get fired up about it because it's sad.

Yep. You don't have to be like this. You don't have to live your life like this. You do not have to let your mother's opinion dictate what you do. Yep.

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indeed on this podcast. Indi.com/podcast, terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for indeed sponsored jobs. I love what you did because I feel like your book wouldn't have been as big as a success

the five second rule. Had you just put it out right away. Like you took the steps to do what you needed to be ready to do that. You did free speaking gigs, you spoke all over the world, you became the number one female speaker, you researched, you got the science and you built up the confidence so that once

you actually put out the book, the world was ready to receive it. Well, I think there's also something else that happened, which is when everything started to build for me.

And again, this goes to the point where the first skill is starting because you're never

going to get what you want if you don't begin.

“So you have to actually commit to starting.”

And there's very simple way you do it. You just get clear about what you want and if you don't know what you want, here's how you figure that out. Just say I don't want to want to have. Like literally, if you don't know what direction to point, just know what where I am is

not it. So I need to take a look at where I am and the way that I go through my day. And I need to reverse it or do the opposite or make a change because that's going to pivot you in a different direction. And I truly believe that you're one decision away from a completely different life.

That doesn't mean you achieve the success that you want with one decision. It means that with one decision and for me that decision was getting out of bed when I didn't feel like it, getting out of bed when I was 800,000 dollars in debt, getting out of bed and going for a run even though I didn't feel like it and it was snowing and it's not going to make a dent in the debt and the fear that I have, but it's going to make me know

that no matter what's going on around me, I can five, four, three, two, one still do something that reminds me that I'm still in control in small ways. And so for me, when the TED Talk took off, I didn't write a business plan. I didn't. I just started having people say, hey, Mel, you come speak.

And then when I feared out that everybody else was getting paid, first of all, I felt like the world's biggest flipping idiot and for those of you that are obsessed with influence or culture and affiliate marketing and all this stuff, I guarantee you, you waste probably 10 hours a week, just looking at other people who have built what you want to built and that is also a recipe for disaster because you will start to convince yourself that they already

took it, that you can't do it and you're looking at it wrong. Yeah. There is a formula to everything. And so here I am at this point in my life where I need money, I still need to pay my bills and pay off my debt.

People are starting to ask me to speak. I'm realizing everybody else at every one of these conferences that I'm going to and I'm off on the little side room, you know, doing my thing, everybody else is getting paid.

And so there's always a formula and it's your inability to wipe away the excuses and

stop comparing yourself and stop talking yourself out of it that keeps you from realizing there's a simple formula for everything. In fact, you are so generous because you put out content that provides a roadmap. You tell the stories from your own career and building your business and in those stories are takeaways.

You are literally selling advertising and monetizing brand partnerships for podcasts that the person that's listening to this right now listens to and you share how you do it

And so again, case and point, the problem isn't, I don't know how to do that.

“Yes, you do because there's people like you that put out content that actually teach people”

how to do it and that's a gift and how sad is it that you know and you see the steps. This was me, by the way. I get so fired up about it because every day, just like I see, you probably see people like the person who's listening to us right now, who has in their heart what they want and they are actively working against themselves.

And there's not a single person on the planet that can take anything from you. Nobody can block your path to success. Only you can do this. And there's no timeline, right? You started your TED Talk 41, first book, 49, 54, starting your production company, 50 years

old, starting your podcast, right?

There's no timeline and something that I always talk about on the show is skill stacking.

Okay. With my own career. And I feel like the best entrepreneurs, they got a lot of experiences, they did a lot of jobs, they figured out what they're good at, what they hate, what they like. And then they designed their dream career and job.

Yeah. That's what I did with myself. I designed the perfect job for me that I'm so good at. And I feel like you've done the same. I was binging your podcast recently and like they're just so good when I do it.

“I learned about the left and the theory, that's what I was like mostly focused on, but”

what I really learned is that you are so friendly and that you really try to be relatable and down to earth and you make everybody feel really loved and you've got this like friend approach to what you do on the podcast. So I want to ask you about that. But first I want to ask you about your experiences that you feel like led you to have this

amazing career to be a number one podcaster and author and speaker.

What are the experiences that led up to that that people don't realize? Everything. Absolutely everything. Life is the greatest teacher. If you're willing to look at life like one giant lesson.

And I choose to believe that absolutely everything that has happened to me is divinely ordered for a reason. Absolutely everything. See, I don't learn what I need to learn when I'm successful and I'm soaring and I'm at the top.

I learn for whatever reasons when I'm at the bottom of the barrel or when I am in a hole or when I am struggling or when things are really hard. Like I feel like courage and strength and that secret sauce that makes you successful and makes you who you are, those are the things that happen in the hardest moments of your life. And they also happen in the smallest quietest moments if you're paying attention.

And I'm going to share some examples for this because first things first is you're spending time with us together today. I want you to think about the fact that if you stand in the present moment and you look backwards, you can see how absolutely every single thing that has happened to you good or bad, scary or beautiful like just terrorizing or fantastic, every single thing has led you to this moment.

And that you are never starting from scratch, you are always starting from experience because

life has tested you, life has taught you, life has prepared you for this exact moment.

“And I also choose to believe and this is part of what I believe is my amazing success”

is that I choose to believe as I stand in this moment that just like everything in the past is prepared me for where I am now, that this moment is preparing me for where I am going next and I don't need to know when in the future I'm going to look up and go, oh my God, it was that particular day in Manhattan sitting down with you that I learned X. And that is equipped to me for this moment now, totally.

And so some of the things that have informed the way that I think about media, the way that I think about my business, because I'm kind of old school, like I really think that my business is about one person, it's about the one person that has hit play and that is taking time to listen to this conversation. And just like when I take a walk with a friend that my intention is to know that whoever it is that is listening, yes, you right now as you're

driving your car or as you're at the gym that you are the person I'm talking to because I am.

that you care about. And so whether you get a tremendous amount out of this or you just feel a little bit better, you know somebody that is going to get something out of this, which means

you can use this conversation to strengthen a relationship with somebody. And so I have always

approached everything that I do with this sort of how can I help and one person. And there's

“small moments in my life that really inform me. And I'm going to share this story because I think”

it's really important that you not like there's this obsession with virality and monetization and you know all of this stuff in business which is important. And another thing that is really helped me is I 1,000% believe in full ownership of everything that I do. And so I control everything because I believe in what I do. So why on earth would I give somebody else a meaningful stake

when I'm the one doing all the work? When I'm the one that created the five second rule and

created the left and theory. And so why would I not keep control of these things? And why would I trust someone else as authority more than my own to be able to market these things? And that is and because I also understand digital media, which unlike a printed book, digital media is going to live forever. Everything that you do on social media or on your YouTube channel or all of it is something you can monetize forever. So just like Bruce Springsteen doesn't want to give his

“catalog a music away. He's going to sell it and have a library that he owns the rights of I think”

about things that I invest my time in now as what do I actually own? Because that is an asset versus a piece of content that you're singularly monetizing. Yeah. And so for me, when I look back on my life, there are defining moments and there's surprising moments. And I'm going to take you on a quick kind of highlight tour because those defining moments actually explain why I am one of the most intentional people you will ever meet. And I weave it through everything I do in

business. So when I was a public defender, my first job, 1994, I graduated from Dartmouth College

then I go to Boston College Law School. My first job was as a public defender for the legal aid society. I represented people here in New York City that had been arrested and accused of crimes

“and they could not afford an attorney. And I would meet them after they had been arrested and thrown”

into a jail cell and then transported to a hundredth century where they would be held in a cage behind a judge and they would be brought into court to be read the charges against them to be read their constitutional rights and to be assigned an attorney and to get a constitutionally mandated bail hearing. And I would meet my clients because these are people who could not afford representation they were assigned by the state because you have a constitutional right to be represented in a court

of law by a licensed attorney. And I would walk back behind the judge and I would meet my client for the very first time in that setting. There were behind bars and I had a little folder that had the complaint from the police and if they had ever been in trouble before I had a history of that, if they had there wouldn't be that and that was it. And so that experience taught me a number of things. First of all it taught me that no matter the circumstances under which you meet somebody

that I choose to believe in the innate or theness of human beings, I do. I choose to treat people with dignity and I choose to see bigger possibilities for everybody. No matter what circumstances I meet you in. And one of the things that hit me like in my heart is that when we would go out and it was time for my client that I was representing to be charged, formally charged, part of that arrangement hearing is a bail hearing. And one of the things that the courts consider

is obviously the charges against you and the severity of them, your history, some of your life story, but the big one is also ties to the community. I cannot tell you how many times we would walk out into that courtroom in 1994, 95 and 96 and nobody would be there. No one. Over and over and over again. And it just killed me that in one of the scariest times

And I have made it a mission. My mission to show up for people. Yeah. And whether that means that I'm leaving a public bathroom and I take a moment and thank the human being that is cleaning the public bathroom. Because that's a job where you feel invisible. Yeah. Or it is truly apologizing and thanking people for their patience when I'm late. And so that is informed me about how I want to treat people and why it and how I want people to experience me that I'm the kind of person

that actually cares and that sees something bigger for you. No matter where you are, no matter what

“you've done, no matter what circumstances you face, I believe in the extraordinary possibilities”

that you have because I understand something. I understand that your past is not your fault. I understand that if you aren't doing well, it's probably, it's not a matter of willpower. Yeah. It's a matter of skill building. And I also believe that absolutely everybody, if you focus on your mindset, if you focus on your actions, if you focus on how you process your emotions, that absolutely anybody can do better and be better and feel better. And the other thing that

that experience taught me is just that it's the simplest things that people remember. And this is a marketing message. Okay. The more complicated you make things, the less likely anybody is going to do it. The more intellectual you are. You know what you're communicating when you're intellectual that I think I'm smarter than you. Yeah, it's a pretty already. Yes, right. And so I'm obsessed with making things simple. And even if we, and so these are core values about really showing up in a way that people feel

seen, that people know that you believe in them, that people know that you are, that you respect their time, that people know that I see the possibility of you because I do see it. This isn't just some bullshit that I say. I actually believe it. Yeah. And the other thing that has, and so that's one thing. The other thing that really struck me is another moment. So there is this whole thing that

happened when I started speaking. The one I first started speaking, I thought, okay, if you're in the

speaking business, and somebody is paying you a ridiculous amount of money to stand on a stage, you better be dressed nicely. And so even though it was like at a time, and so I'm talking

“probably like 2015, 2014, something like that. I started getting paid, and I'll never forget this.”

I was at the MGM in Vegas, and I was speaking for remax, and there were like 8,000 people in the audience, and it was one of the biggest speeches that I was ever going to give, and at the time, of course. Yeah. And so I, at the time, was dressing like a news anchor. So I would were heels, and I'd wear, like, you look beautiful today. Normally, I look not so full together. But so I would

look great on a stage. So I mean, heels, which I never wear, so I can't walk in them very well,

and I'm wearing a dress. And what happened is I've terrible ADHD, and I get to Vegas, and it turns out when I open up my suitcase at 730 in the morning, I've left my high heels in a hotel room in Miami. And what I have in my suitcase are Birkenstocks? Oh, no. And these sparkly high tops. That's it. And I've checked in 20 minutes. Most people would have stressed diarrhea, and then just derail the situation, and I'm like, fuck it. Like, okay, I guess we're going with the high tops because we're not

“wearing Birkenstocks on this stage. And remember how I said, that your life is always teaching you,”

and it's either in the struggles or it's in these quiet little moments. Yeah. So I get back stage. And when you're backstage, stage speaking at a big event, it's very dark. And there's like a whole city behind the stage of people in production, and everybody's dressed in all black, and there's equipment everywhere, and tables everywhere, and cables everywhere, and then there's all this tenting that is the back of the stage, and you're kind of walking around. It's hard to see and

normally, especially if it's like eight o'clock in the morning on a vacant Vegas for crying out loud. Mm-hmm. And you're speaking a massive corporate conference for Remax, the client was,

and I was going to give a speech about the five second rule. Everyone's tired.

eight thousand people come into the MGM. And one of the older guys, dressed in all black,

“it's got a grain beard, he turns you like, cool kicks. And it was the first time that anyone”

backstage, even though I was super nice and friendly and not dramatic at all and not high maintenance,

it was the first time anybody had ever commented like that. And that was this small moment

there's like, take note. And so then I go up on stage. And as I walked on stage, I felt different. And that was a small moment that was like, take note. And normally, if you're a woman who's presenting, most people, whether it's male, female, they, everybody, when a woman walks on stage, if you're too pretty, if your heels are too high, most people kind of cross their arms and are like, this bitch thinks she looks better than the rest of us. And there's a distance that happens,

because you're focused on what you look like. And you're focused on presenting yourself in a way

that is like kind of projecting something. Well, God, when I walked on stage in these stupid

high tops that are all sparkly and this dress that did match in my dumb glasses, people were like, what is this? And so there was an open arm thing. And so typically, it would take me like five to 10 minutes and a couple laughs to get to that point in a speech that I call, I'd have a cup of coffee with her moment, which is now somebody's listening and enjoying instead of judging, take note. And from that moment on, couple things, number one, in any industry that you're in,

being able to be excellent at the thing is the minimum requirement, the minimum requirement. You shouldn't be on a stage if you're not excellent. You shouldn't be charging people

“if you're not excellent. Like you need to take pride in your performance, which means you need to”

practice, you need to like, this is my opinion, I'm gonna let you do whatever you want. But really, don't hang your hat on the fact that you're fantastic at the thing they're paying you to do. Yep. You want to be exceptional? Be fucking fantastic at the things no one pays you to do. What made me an extraordinary force on the corporate circuit and what has earned me extraordinary amounts of money is yes, there is, in my opinion, almost no one better. I don't know of anyone

better on stage. And I'm sure there's extraordinary people out there, but I will claim that for myself for sure category of one of one when it comes to what I do. But I know for sure there's no one better when it comes to what I do offstage. Yep. Because I learned very quickly that it's the little things that you do that make people feel taken care of, that then make people want to work with you, that make people want to hire you. And I'll give you a simple example. When I would land,

like when I was doing 115 speeches a year of Starbucks, JP Morgan, Microsoft, like on and on and on, one event, the other event, this event, that event, 30,000 people, 100 people with a CEO retreat,

this one. Every time I landed in a new city, I would always text the event planner, not the CEO,

not the person that hired me. I would text the event planner, a fun selfie of me getting off the plane. I'm here. Thank you. Excited to see you. And you know what that did? That immediately made the person who is responsible for tracking me and who is responsible for managing a million things, love me. Yep. Because I just took one thing off their list and made their job easy. And when you do that, guess what people do? They hire you again. Yep. They recommend you. And people

“are obsessed with the people up here. When you need to be amazing with the people that serve the people”

up here. Because those are the folks that have the power. Yeah. Those are the ones that get everything done. And it is the exact same principle if you want to grow a social media audience. Yep. It's responding to comments. It's actually tracking your name or your brand and going to their account responding. That is the exact same thing that I was doing in person in the speaking business. Yeah. And so

company on a production day actually wears name tags. Because I used to host a daytime talk show. I've been at a bazillion events. It's impossible to remember people's names. Yeah. And so when you walk into one, four, three studios and downtown Boston, you're going to walk into 25 people. We're going to stand up and welcome you together. Everybody has a name tag. Why? Because I want you to feel it. I want you to feel comfortable. I want the people that work for me to feel

seen and recognized. Yeah. When you're done with the podcast and we walk out, you get a standing ovation because we're grateful that you're here. Yeah. And so every tiny little thing I do is with

intention on making a particular type of impact. And so there are stages to this. I mean, first

you got to get started. Second, you got to learn how to just keep going because the other thing

“that is a skill is stamina. Yeah. I believe that success is as much about not quitting as anything”

else. Totally. As anything else. And you know, it may surprise you to learn that, you know, with this book, The Let Them Theory. This is truly the first time that I've had a major moment in terms of the normal press cycle. I have a lot of friends because I'm in mastermind groups and you actually represent and sell ads and do brand partnerships for a lot of my friends and that's another thing I'm going to tell you that has been a secret to success. And it's that the very people

you're competing against should be your closest friends. Yep. It's so true. Why do you believe that true? Yep. I built an app in 15 minutes. And before you ask, I didn't suddenly become a software

engineer. In fact, I've never written a line of code in my life. But now, I'm trying to now

apps like it's my day job. And that's because I learned how to do it through Mind Stone. It's an

“AI transformation company that helps close the gap between having access to AI and actually getting”

value from it. So this all started when I attended their breakthrough AI weekend. I learned how to build apps. And I also learned about their platform rebel, which basically acts as a second brain. And it actually helps you use AI in a way that completely transforms the way that you do your work. It changed my life. I left that weekend thinking that I have to roll out Mind Stone to my entire team. And we did. So we started with the four week AI competency program. It's online. You don't

need code. It's made for non-technical professionals. And it's really affordable. And so I sent 60 people on my team to take this training. And with that training, you get access to this platform called rebel, where you can ingest your email, your slack messages, your fireflies, all your drive, resources. And then you can basically use it as a coach, as a tool, as a thought partner every day. Before I hop on a meeting, I asked rebel, hey, what do I need to know for this meeting? What

do I need to bring up? And it will scan slack and even send me things that I didn't realize what was going on in my company. You can create skills, which is created a process that might have taken two or three people and going into different apps. And I can do that on your behalf.

It is amazing what you can do with this platform. It is drastically improved our efficiency

at yet media so much so that we're pausing hiring on a lot of roles. I recommend you start with their four week AI competency program. You can get access and get 10% off at experience.mindstone.com/yap that's experienced.mindstone, m-i-n-d-s-t-o-n-e.com/yap for 10% off their four week AI competency program. Because I feel like they'll, you know, when you reach higher levels, people aren't actually that competitive. They're more collaborative. They want to help you and you guys can help each other.

And so I felt like working closely with the people that are my competitors is the quickest way to just get ahead. That and I think it's true at any level. We're just so insecure when we're

“getting started that we don't think we have anything to offer. And the truth is your family has no”

idea what you're doing. Your friends don't understand what you're doing. And the people that you think you're competing with are the only people on the planet that get it. And so the very people that you're distancing yourselves from should be your closest allies because otherwise you are going to feel alone. Yep. Because your family's not in this business, so they don't understand the stress. Your friends don't share the same aspirations, so they don't know what you're going through. Yep.

But the people at your same level, like this is your squad because they get it. And you know, honestly, that's why I'm so excited about the let them theory and the things that I'm talking about

and Lewis House and Jenna Kutcher and Amy Porterfield and Trent Sheldon. And I would go, oh, oh, well, you know, they were eating on a podcast. I guess I can't do one. Or they're super successful. They're in competition with me. And what I have learned too late, I'm so happy I understand this and I'm thrilled for you as you're listening to us to really embrace what I'm about to tell you.

“Success is in limitless supply. Happiness, friendship, all of these things, money,”

Lamborghinis, they're in limitless supply. No other human being is blocking your way. In fact, they're leading the way. Yep. And if you have a insecure and jealous and competitive and comparison attitude, you will turn other people into the biggest excuse for why you can't do what you need to do. Yes. And it is a joke because the only person, because there's only one person that can actually block your way and it's you. Yeah. And so learning how to let other people

be successful and let other people be rich and let other people figure it out and let them get engaged

and let them have babies and let them have a million dollars in the bank and let them do this and let

them do that. You're just letting them lead the way. Totally. Let's move on to the let them

“theory because I can't wait to dive into this. So first leg of your career, you really were all”

about self-improvement and internal improvement. Yes. Now we're focused on external relationships and kind of had a manage relationship. So you had this post last year about a year ago that went massively viral where you first introduced the topic. What did you say in that post and what do you think it was such a phenomenon? So I put up a video. Gosh, it was like 18 months ago. And I basically was sharing about something I had just stumbled on because I was being a micromanaging parent at

my son's prom and my middle daughter was home from college and you know like when you're launching like super annoying. Yes. And you're like God damn, you're like just she's mom. I was getting like that. Well, revolve in there, right? And it's just too stupid. So my daughter reaches out and grabs my arm and yanks me towards her and says, um, stop it. Well, you're being so annoying. Like let them let them let them, you know, let them run in the rain. Let them eat where they want.

Let them do this in a lot. And she just kept saying let them let them let them let them

“and it was weird. It just like hit me like a ton of bricks. Why am I worried about this?”

Why am I stressing about this? And for the next couple days, anytime somebody was pissing me off or annoying me or I saw somebody do something online that made me feel jealous or, you know, somebody did something that made the guilt rise up. I just started saying let them, you know, standing in line as store and there's five people in front of you. Be beep, beep, beep. There's only one cashier. No one's coming to the other lines. How do you feel in that moment?

Stress. Yeah. And then what do you do? Half a pass. Maybe say something under your breath. Mm-hmm. You think you can run the grocery store better than the people running in. Uh-huh. And all along while that's happening, do you know what's happening? You're actually allowing something to drain your life force. Yeah. And you're wasting time. And you are allowing something that's out of your control to steal your time and energy.

And blind you to the fact that even in moments where you feel stressed out or hurt or you're worried

or you're scared that there is something in your control. And what's in your control is never

out there ever. There's one thing in life you can never control. It's other people. You can't control what they think. You can't control what they do. You can't control the timeline upon which they change if they change at all. You can't control if they're going to love you. You can't control another human being and yet we try. And it's the greatest source of frustration in your life. But if you turn it back, you'll see there's three fingers always pointing back at you when you point at somebody else

because there are three things that are always in your control. You can always control what you think

about what's happening. You can always control what you choose to do or not do. And you can always

control how you process your emotions. Yeah. Whether you will let them just run you over

and it's like super long and you take like 90 minutes you're like thin. Yep. That never solves anything.

You always get to choose how you respond and that's how you take responsibility for your life. Let's talk about responsibility. It's the ability to respond. That's what taking responsibility means. You give such a great example about being left out on a girl's trip. I had this happen to me a couple years ago. My high school best friends. They all went on a beach trip. And I was really hurt. I had a boyfriend that I was really focused on and so we weren't spending as much time

together. But I still considered them my best friends. Yeah. And I was so hurt and I went about it

“in the worst way. I was a victim. I wrote everybody a text like what happened? What did they say?”

They were just like, you're always busy. We just we didn't even think about it. Like,

what do you care where allowed to make plans? And it made me look like a victim and I took all my power away. So I'd love for you to explain the let them theory of how we can actually use this to make our like to take back our power. Yeah. It's a great example. And being hurt because you're not included is the sign that you're mentally well. It's what you do with that that dictates your experience of life. And like you all too often when I have either been

left out of something or people didn't even think of me because I've been around because I've been busy building a business. So why would they think of me? Or if it's when I see somebody else succeeding? And then I feel sorry for myself, right? Feeling those things is normal. It's what you do next

“that matters. So the let them theory is the single most powerful thing I've ever discovered. I'm so”

excited for you to implement this seriously. Like I am a changed human being. I've never felt

more peaceful and powerful. So what is the let them theory? It is a simple mindset tool that shows you immediately what is in your control and what is not in your control. And here's how you use it. There's two steps. Anytime that you are in a situation where you're starting to feel stressed out or you're starting to get pissed off or you're hurt or you're annoyed or you're getting clingy or you're becoming a victim or you're feeling the rage come up. You're going to say let them.

That's step one. When you say let them you detach from what's happening and you recognize that I can't control this person what they think say or do or feel or I can't control what's happening with traffic right now. So I am going to let them and when you say let them a couple things happen. First of all you get this rush of superiority. Because it's like you're going I see what's happening and I value my time and energy and I know I'm not going to waste it trying to

manage this situation or allowing this person or this situation to impact me negatively. I'm going to let them and so it's amazing because you detach and then the second step is you say let me and this is the most powerful part because this is where you take your power back. Yeah. When you when you say let me you then remind yourself that there's always something in your control and what's always in your controller the three things. I can choose what to think about this.

I can choose how to respond to this or not and I can choose what I'm going to do with my emotions and the uses are just endless because we live in a moment in time where everything feels out of control and people are stressed out and people are acting in really inconsiderate and dismissive ways and people are super emotionally immature. Let them yeah because so are you we all are right now and when you say let them it's not like an FU it's really about giving people grace and space

and also putting up a boundary and reminding yourself it's not your job to make people happy. It's not your job to manage other people's stress. It's not your job to make sure that everybody's expectations are met. It's not your job to run a grocery store. Your job is to focus on taking actions that really align with your values and your priorities and your job is to think in a way that makes you feel good. I'll give you a quick example. We run an elevator this morning and the thing

got stuck between the 11th to 12th floor. I was in there for 50 minutes and the fire department had to come but it was a good 15 minutes before anybody came to do anything and I sat there on the floor that elevator and I kept saying let them let them take a long time let them figure this out

“and let me remind myself that the only thing I can control right now is just like staying calm and”

sitting on the floor and thinking that this is going to be okay let them yeah and it worked and so

that moment where you are posting something on social media and you go when you pick the real

or you pick the photo right and then what do you do then yeah oh should it be that one should be this and then you put a filter on and then you take the filter off and then you size it and then you say and it's one thing to do this because you have a business strategy and you're thinking about your business strategy it's another thing to do this and then when you start to write the caption you're like is this too much I put in a mochi is that CTA 2 by blah blah blah blah blah

and then you start to question for who for who before you even post something what are you doing you're giving power yeah to what other people are going to think and do in response to what you're about to post and by the way you have no control over what they think and do in response and so instead of managing it I have a different approach let them think something negative let them unfold you let them judge you let them roll your eyes because I got news for you

“you need to use the let me part let me remind myself that my social media is for me yeah my social”

media is for my business my social media is myself expression it's not for my family or my freaking friends with college or my brother or my sister or my my social media is for me let me express myself let me market my business let me show up and put this real out even though I'm kind of nervous feeling nervous about something that you care about is a sign that you care about it yeah it's not a sign that things aren't going to go well and so by saying let them

it's extraordinary what's happened in my life yeah so let them is all about releasing control yes keeping your peace yes why are we so hard wired for control to begin with because I think a lot of it comes from a good place and I also think entrepreneurs especially

controlling absolutely so it's going to be a dance because you like you're never going to get

rid of the need of trying to control things it is a hard wired survival instinct in a kind of make sense right because if you're in control of what you're thinking and you're in control of your decisions and you're in control of your environment and you're in control of your spending and you're in control of your marketing platform and your strategy that you're doing then you feel safe you feel confident you feel good here's the problem

that if you do something that makes me worried or upset guess what now I feel like I'm out of control and here's where we make the mistake I then go to try to control you but the problem is you have a hard wired need to be in control of yourself too and so I go to push against you which means your hard wired to push back because you are wired to control what you're doing and this is one of the biggest things that you're going to learn in reading the let them

“theory just using it in your life is that pushing other people and expecting other people to change”

trying to motivate other people to change it actually doesn't create change it creates resistance

to change there is one thing on this planet you will never ever ever ever be able to control

and that's whether or not another person changes because people only change when they're ready to change and people only are ready to change when they're ready to do the very hard work to change and this presents another problem and see I've been working against the fundamental wiring of human beings for 54 years it was learning to say let them and let me that taught me how to work with the laws of human nature and with brainwire let's just talk about how people change okay

we are hard wired to move toward what's easy hard wired it's why we sit on the couch instead of going to the gym it's why you sit and watch other people's content instead of posting your own

“because if it were easy to do it everybody would have a million dollars and that's why you”

got to learn how to take action even when it feels hard see nobody gets sober until being drunk as harder than doing the work to change because it takes work and we know this and yet when we're looking at somebody and we're like you're not working hard enough why are you getting better grades how come you haven't gotten a better job why haven't you started this business we forget that if it were easy they'd already be doing it and so the let them theory and saying let them

struggle let them be unmotivated let them judge your choices let them be confronted by the fact that you're now super interested in fitness and entrepreneurship and they're questioning why you don't

for me and so you will start to learn that the more time you spend expecting other people to change

more frustrated you're going to be it and the more that you say let them and you learn to let people be who they are and let them have their questions and let them change on their own timeline and let them not be interested in the same things that you're interested in learn how to love people exactly as they are and exactly as they aren't the better your relationships are going to get yep it's really so simple and it's beautiful because it creates space where the people in your life

get to be who they are and you get to focus on yourself not like you're out of my life but as a responsible adult and the let me part is all about you taking responsibility for acting in a way that you value so let me talk about another thing that happens a lot in business yeah so as you're growing your business you're going to start to find conflict totally between what your friends and family want you to do and what your business partners want you to do and a lot of people

really start to struggle when they feel like business partners are disappointed that you can't show up

“at something or your family or friends are disappointed that you're not around as much you need to”

say let them let them be disappointed and here's why is it a wonderful thing if your business partners disappointed that you can't show up for some doesn't that mean they want you there yeah I mean we're so afraid of it yet what's the alternative I don't want her there she's like horrible same thing with your parents or your friends if you're not able to show up because you've been just focused on entrepreneur let them be disappointed it means they love you and they wish you were there

that doesn't mean you have to change can I ask you another question about business so as I was internalizing the let them theory I kept thinking about what about if I have like a bad employee

let them be bad let them get fired well here's the thing first of all you can't control them

“so you need to let them reveal who they are but then here comes the hard burden business let me”

let me be honest with myself have I actually been clear about my expectations probably not have I explained what I think the outcome is that is successful probably not probably not am I'm micromanaging everybody because I don't explain what I want and the outcomes that you can measure success by and since I have not done that I constantly question everybody so I swoop in and I micromanage which only trains your team that you don't trust them which makes

your team feel like they can't make a decision because you're going to come in and override everything anyway which creates paralysis in your organization if you have a failing employee it is usually because you have broken process or you have unclear communication and expectations or there is a missing skill set in the seat and they're in the wrong seat and unless you as the leader take full responsibility for your part which most entrepreneurs most opportunities are the shitty

collaborators on the planet yeah I happen to be one of them I like I know I'm serious like there there's you are in entrepreneurship because entrepreneurship is artistry it's creation that is not the same thing is rhythm systems and operations and clear communication in fact it's the opposite and so your energy and your talent will create something and then you will realize that you've created something and have zero systems

and zero like standard business operating principles you have no like outcomes and key results that you're measuring and so people don't know what success looks like and if you only measure success based on dollars in the bank or the number of views on a podcast

“episode that is something you cannot control you have to as the leader let me take responsibility”

for my job which is to actually create an environment where people can succeed and if people don't clear outlines of what they own if they don't have clear outcome outlines of what is going to make them successful and if they don't have the freedom let them to execute against that in the way that actually gives themselves expression they will hate working for you and your business will

not do as well as it can it always comes back to you and so yes let them reveal that they're

not doing a good job but then instead of doing this they suck first say do I suck exactly because

or doing business development which by the way is a form of creating content and artistry

“because everything that I do is about expansion and intention if I'm not doing one of those three”

seats I'm not in the right seat in my business and I am the problem yep the business my folks that work for me they're not the problem I'm the problem and so I choose as the leader that my

business coach David Gerbert's always says leaders bring the weather and if you have a stressed out

and a kind of panic emergency type culture that's because of you you bring the rain or you bring the sun and by the way your energy and whether or not you take the time to make sure people feel supported and to make sure they know the things are doing right and to give them the tools and the skills that they need to succeed on the things that aren't going well if you don't do that then you're not a good leader yeah so yeah we really do have like an amazing onboarding process

KPIs all those things I have managers and SEO that helps me and everything like that and sometimes there are people that just can't get up the speed great then let them not get up the speed and then let me get very direct feedback quickly and don't dance around it with the positivity sandwich

the way you have that is directly with respect you basically say this is not going to be a fun

conversation and I was hoping that things were going to go very differently and I have very high standards and this is a 19 word sentence that you're going to steal that has been researched at Yale and Harvard it's called the magic sentence 19 words I very high expectations for this team

“and I believe you can meet them and that's why I'm going to tell you this feedback and then you tell”

them the feedback and you let them because what somebody does with that feedback that's what they control yeah you actually having the courage to deliver feedback see I actually think it's cruel to not tell somebody exactly they're not performing they don't grow if you know well so I decide about them do you want to be in an organization where people thank you suck and they talk about you in a conference room of course not so why would you do that to somebody

and not address it people know when they're not thriving in fact I personally believe the hardest working person in the company is the one who's not doing well because they're in conflict with themselves yeah and they know it and you are either the kind of leader who has this bullshit toxic male kind of mentality you know or you take responsibility as a leader to create an environment in which people can thrive yeah and if people are not doing well and they're not meeting expectations

before you start barking about or labeling people which is toxic behavior on your part take a moment and ask yourself critically let me ask myself have I actually explain the outcomes that measure success have I actually explained what I expect have I actually given somebody all the information that they need in order to succeed do I even know what skills are required for this job or am I just throwing somebody in the fire and then judging the shit out of them when they

can't get the job done because if you can't answer those questions for yourself then you're not the good leader and no one's going to succeed in that role and look there are times where people over estimate their qualifications and then they get in a seat and they don't have the skills yeah let them let them and don't overcompensate and fix everything and step in and solve the problems let people fail because if you don't you won't see where there's process missing you won't see where

there's a skill level missing and you won't see where you actually are the issue because you haven't created an environment for people to succeed yeah talk about how letting them actually

help them yes so first of all I personally feel and this goes with people in your life that are

struggling to absolutely anybody can get better and what's needed is the belief that you can at the end of the day feeling like somebody believes in your ability to get better creates the space for you to get better if somebody has a respect for you to say I'm going to give you this feedback and this isn't going to be a fun conversation not my favorite thing to talk about but I'm doing it because I

“actually have high standards for this team and I believe you can hit them to me that's you saying”

I see you we both know you're not like meeting the standard here and what else did I say I think you can meet them this team is special now I'm appealing to your desire to succeed

well in the can yeah and if somebody in your team or in your family or in your life isn't doing well

then it's because there's something missing that's making it so they can't and it's almost never

will power it's usually something small yeah it's usually just clear communication or identifying the skill that would be helpful or partnering them with somebody so that you create an environment where they can succeed and people also need to feel enough space and acceptance and dignity so that you feel like the change is your idea not that it's getting shoved down your throat because nobody wants to change if they know if you know they know that you're going to say see I told you so

and that's a critical part of this that when you say let them you're not allowing people to fail

“you're actually creating the space for somebody's succeed but the first step is that you have to”

give people the space and the honesty to make it their decision and the other thing that the let them theory is not is it's not allowing somebody to walk all over you it's not allowing somebody to treat you poorly because you're already doing that when you say let them you detach and you see

somebody probably for the first time exactly as they are and exactly as they aren't and you stop

doing something you stop making excuses and you stop living in the fantasy and the potential and you actually live in reality you know as I'm going through this kind of phase of just like this next leveling up in my business I realize it's on me to level up my expectations of myself it's on me to get clearer in my communication it's on me to focus on what's truly important and delete everything that's not because another huge thing in business is that if everything's

important nothing is and you cannot allow someone else's emergencies to become your emergency you cannot allow somebody else's priority to become your priority everything that somebody else is asking of you in business is an opportunity but you have to get out of reactive mode and get into responding mode because it's only in doing that that you will actually be intentional and focused and you will truly be strategic about what actually deserves your time and what doesn't because

not everything in business does so I end my show of two questions that I ask all my guests first what is one actionable thing are young and profitors can do today to become more profitable tomorrow let them let them because all that time in energy and power that you're giving to other people as soon as you say let them and then you say let me you actually take that power back and you start to

“protect your time and energy and that's what you need to be profitable and successful and there's”

so much that we didn't get to cover today guys she's got so many great stories so many great like so much research and her book about this definitely recommend it what is your secret to profiting in life and this can go beyond business and financial saying no it's way more important to say no because every time you say no you're actually saying yes to what matters and working everybody find you and you do you find me right here and this conversation right now and one of the

most important things you can do is take this conversation and send it to somebody that you care

deeply about because you know you feel inspired you know you got tools and one of the best things that you can do to build your relationships and connections which you need in business and you need

“for profit you need to be successful is to actually be generous and so we generous with the information”

that you just got today because it will make a difference in somebody else's life. I feel like this is just like a master class in business and your life stories so thank you so much for joining us today. I'm really proud of you. Thank you. Congratulations for everything that you do and for the lives that you impact and the difference that you're making. Thank you. You're welcome.