Mod Sun: Running From Authority

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That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R-dot-com. Bonnie, who used to be a former sex worker and now hosts the podcast Dunblown. Most little girls grow up wanting to be doctors and lawyers in shit and I was like, "I want to be a super hot, make a lot of fucking money and be a rock star's wife." That was my goal as a child.

Here we are.

“What's up, these sexy motherfuckers, welcome to another episode of Dunblown.”

I'm sure you've probably heard me and Mod Sun talking about how he's the hot uncle. What's up, baby? Well, Sun take that role, and that role better than the hot older guy. Well, because we were talking about how Jay and I are like mom and dad to everybody and Mod was like, "Yeah, he's like, I'm totally that too and I'm like, "No, you're like

the hot uncle." You're not, you're not dad yet, you're like hot uncle. I ain't like that. I like that. I like that.

Am I Ryan? People in the room. Are we wrong here? Okay, cool. We're on site page.

I'm so happy to have you here. Thank you. It's been a long time coming. Yeah, it has. I've been here in your dams like two years ago, and thankfully you didn't reply.

I know, I know. This is the time I was supposed to have. I sort of got. It really is the time. But I really saw that he, I'm like three weeks ago in a meeting, it was like, "All right.

I missed this one. You ever want to do it again?" Yeah, no. No, and I'm just so happy to have. Why I did is because I listened to your podcast.

Just outside of it. That really makes me happy. It makes me so happy when I have men tell me they listen to the podcast, because that means a lot's me because I have such a huge female following. So when I get the men that are like, "Yeah, I listen to your podcast.

I'm like, dude, can I hug you?" Because it's like so sweet. I mean, your conversation is just like natural conversations. Do you have mostly female guests, is it? No, I mean, I do have a ton of female guests, but I love having men on too.

It's like, it's a variety, but definitely probably more female dominated.

You're like, you're like the super power female, that's like, says be like confident in yourself

no matter what. I appreciate it. And like fights back against people that talk shit, I love that. It's exhausting sometimes. I even told them like, it's such a good, it's such a good message to send no.

Not being like, I'm going to talk shit back to you, but just being like, "Yo, this whole thinking that you can't have your word against someone that's talking shit, because you're a notable person, and oh, if I say the wrong thing, listen that, like that's like a whole wall that needs to be broken down right now. I really need to hear this.

Don't you think so though?

“I swear to God, that's why I'm fighting the good thing.”

So many people like, I'm in a good place right now, I feel like I have my light back around me, right? It looks so happy. It got, thank you. Thank you.

I am happy. The cure I felt like in my skin as well, in years and years and years and years. But there is a time where it wasn't like that. But then there is also this time where like, I don't know when it happened, but for some reason I got in my head like, oh, like, do I have to like, worry about saying the wrong

thing or being a certain person or all that stuff? Yeah. And that's why when you have this message of like, I will say my opinion back to you regardless of who I am or how many people follow me. That's like these are messages for the youth that they need to like understand that.

You know? For sure, 100% and sometimes I get caught up in the am I doing the right thing or should I not say this, but I feel like as, I don't like to call myself a celebrity, your celebrity, but as people in the public eye, it's like, we're told that we're not allowed to talk back to people.

Yeah. It's like, no, don't say this. Yeah. Hey, why are people allowed to bully?

“And that's why this problem has gotten so bad online.”

That's why it was because they always tell you if somebody abuses you, don't stay silent.

But yet the first thing they tell you whenever somebody abuses you online is stay silent. Yeah. Like, what are we talking about here? This is like mixed messages. I mean, my favorite times of being myself is when those thoughts never entered my head.

The second day they did, I felt like I was so fake, I felt so fake, not me. Do you feel like you've been silenced because of your celebrity? Well, yeah, I mean, so I start an accident. Yeah. 100%.

Or just even just thoughts of being like, don't put yourself, so like, I've gone through things where I have put myself in the position to kind of speak my half of things, especially with past relationships, right? I bleed into the public eye. I have had a relationship where I was like, no, this and saying my word back.

And then it being like something that follows you forever and becomes a narrative. And then I've had situations in the last couple of years where it was like, I didn't even stand up for myself. And like those things are just like, okay, understand, yeah, like my sister is my PR person. So she's like PR crisis, you know?

Yeah. Is she a football? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

She's my older sister, that'll she fights for me. Yeah. But anytime that I found any one of my great moments that people will come up and tell

me, affected them in a great way, are always me having no thought of that.

No thought of that. And I'm not saying like, go make yourself look bad. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

I'm not saying say some wild shit at 2.30 a.m that you wouldn't say the next morning. I mean, I've done that a few times. Yeah. And then guilty. No.

Also for what you do, okay? And like, just as myself, I have felt inauthentic before. And those moments like really kind of, I let myself down, you know? And like where I'm at at this point in my life, I'm like, okay, I remember who I am. Yeah.

Like I remember who I am. I am 37 years old, just age in music, right? We love jelly because he really puts it on the line. Yeah. He gives us daddy roll.

Yeah. He like gives this whole real talk about what it is. It's like be so proud of your story, do not try to hide it, do not try to keep up with the other people. And listen that, like wear it and be it and love it and be proud of it.

“And like that's what creates the light around you.”

You know, I felt my shit dim. I felt it dim. And in the last year, I had to just like reorganize my life, get back to just being in love with myself. How did you do that?

What were like some steps? Cause I know you went through a really tough breakup and we can talk about what we can touch on them now or like on whenever you're comfortable with it.

for you. Yeah.

Because I could tell you were holding in so much.

“And I think right at right in that moment, I just felt so much love for you.”

Because I was like, damn, I was like, this man is literally wearing his heart on his sleeve in front of hundreds and thousands of people each night, like this is tough, dude. So how did you go from being on that stage to finding yourself? That was definitely like an authentic moment again. I'm glad that you say that.

Cause that was a moment of like true authenticity, you know. Like we went through this breakup while I'm on to our blood out in front of the world, going on stage every night, it's like my biggest song is with her. And it's my song. I know.

So I had to really be like, okay, like yeah, this is the hardest thing, but it's my song. Like I'm not gonna deny myself of that, you know? And so I'm gonna keep playing it. Yeah, it's hard to tell the boy, hear that voice every night, but I'm gonna keep playing because that's my song.

And so, I mean, that kind of started this whole spiral of being like, from there, it

was very, you know, I would have to do a meet and greet every day and kind of like fake a smile. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And that's fine.

You know, not like just completely just being in shambles and front of people, like still being like, I am a warrior, you know? Yeah. But so like I went on that tour and came home and had to like reorganize my life completely. And just like environment, so important, like your, I love to say this about people because

I clearly look different than I did a year ago. You know what I'm saying? I love the dark hair, by the way. I do too. I love it.

I love it. And like just you saying that, like again, we've been told certain rules that are so backwards, they're told like materialism is wrong, right? Okay. I'm talking like, if you really in your heart believe that like a great outfit won't make

you feel better about yourself, you're tripping. No, it does. You're tripping. Yeah. But we're told like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, or you're told like your appearance,

your appearance, like I changed my appearance. I go out and people be like, dude, you look better than you've ever looked. That makes me feel great. That helps me feel secure, right? It's like these things that are just these little building blocks that like you've kind

of been told are not the way, right?

“Like a simple thing, you have to break down what it is to you.”

But for me, I've just figured out recently like what is happiness, the most cliche thing ever. What is happiness? I figured out what it is to me, it's something to look forward to. That's it.

Because all this like, be present, be in the moment, all that is like, get it, love it. Thank you. Deepak Chopraism. I love it. Give it to me.

Give it to me. I need to know what the next term is. I want to wake up and have something to look forward to, that makes me happy. It doesn't need to be some like career-driven goal. It doesn't need to be anything ridiculous.

It can be something so simple as like wake up and like I love the first picture that I have hanging on my wall in my room. And that makes me want to get up. It can be also something giant. I have something to look forward to.

Let me create something to look forward to. Whatever it is, and it's like, once I realized that 37 years old into my life, you don't say it.

“It was just like boom, that's what it is to me, and just realizing that there's these little”

things that are okay with utilizing in your life, like changing your appearance, changing your environment, building things to look forward to, obviously keeping great people around you that give you the hard talks, the hardest talks are the ones that make your life easy. They're uncomfortable ones, but those are, you have to be comfortable having uncomfortable conversations with me and my husband all the time.

I love that.

You really do, because I mean, life's not always fucking cherries and fucking unicorns.

Sometimes it's but holes and cigarettes, so you know, like we don't, it life's not always a fucking bundle of joy, so you have to be comfortable being able to be like, hey, you know, kind of looking within and having uncomfortable conversations with yourself, like, what do I need to change to make myself happy? Yeah.

Yeah, for sure. I really like dove into that in the last year and like focused on that and that only. And finding things that are like missing in my life, you know, really, really applying those, you know, like as a musician. Doing the work.

100%. Yeah. I think that's a huge thing because it sounds to me like you're doing the work. A lot of people are like looking for happiness, but they don't want to go find it, if you want it to come to them.

And push yourself and it can be something so simple like when you, when people hear these talks, like a lot of the time they're human condition, it's like jumped to something like gigantic or like build a goal that's like a year from that goal. Not a goal, right? You know?

A little not unattainable, but at that moment. Yeah. A hundred percent. It's like, do build a goal for yourself for the next six hours. Yeah.

It doesn't. And hopefully for this. Yes. You know, like it can be so tiny. Discipline.

Discipline. Discipline. Yeah, exactly. It was so good. I'm a, I am in.

What is it? This six today? It's seven. So three before. So they think of tomorrow, isn't it?

No, it's always this. Yeah, we missed it.

“So five days or now, I'll hit five years over, right?”

Yeah. And why, I know, it's really, I'm really like, yeah. That's amazing. What's definitely dive into your sobriety? I would love to.

I would love to. And like, just piggybacking off that thought, like, what's so great? It's like another tip or advice or stance on life. It's like, drug addicts, whether you're a recover drug addict or currently in a battle. Just know, you have the greatest discipline in the world to wake up and get fucked up every

day. Takes discipline to go meet the plug and a random parking lot at 2 a.m. That is disciplined. Yeah. And I'm just like whole shit every day afterwards.

Like, you know, and have to have that fix. Yeah. You can do those things. You can get a six pack in six months. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. You can do all these things. You can get that job that you want to, you can go through all of it. Nothing can stop you. No.

I have drug addict discipline. You know, like, I hold that anytime I talk to like addicts and shit, like that, I'm just

always like, yo, just know, you could become president.

Yeah.

“You can take over the world with your discipline.”

If they just put that channel, that energy into something that's constructive. Yeah. It's so powerful. Yeah. It really is.

So crazy way of looking at it. But it's facts. So true. Literally. Yeah.

I look at like, people that are just like, shout down and I'm like, yo, just know, you could take over the plug and the world. I love you. You are the type of motivational speaker that a mother fucker needs though because though listen to you, because you have such a cool way of saying it, people are kind of like,

truth bombs are like going off in their head and they're like, holy shit. Yeah. That makes total sense. I mean, if you can also just get away from the whole like positive speaking Google search sentences and be like, all right, let's remove all those weighted words and just like, say,

the thing you're trying to say, like, Charles Bukowski's my favorite writer all time. You'd always be like, you have no guts if you're turning his sentence into a paragraph. Wow. Stop with all that. The wind blew through the window still.

Well, I was, the twilight was glowing through the sheets of my, it's like, bro, you found happiness looking out the window while the moon was out. Like, you know what I'm saying? I just want to read, you know? That's so real though, because what did you just say, say that again for me so that I can

remember it? I don't even know. Oh, the paragraph. Do you just turn to?

You never, you have no guts if you're turning his sentence into a paragraph.

I love that. That's going to be my new fucking motto. Yeah, it's real. You, you, you do that. I do.

You, you are like straight to the point. Oh, no. I don't care. No, I don't care. No, I don't care.

I'm looking at you go. You do. No, no. No, no. I'm not saying talking a lot.

I'm saying you say it how it is. That's essentially what it is. It's like being like, stop trying to fill this whole thing with all these isms and it all these blown out ideas. It's like, you say it how it is.

Trust me. I'm a viewer. I am like objectively.

“Is it objectively from the outside or subjectively?”

I don't know. You're right. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Listen, I think I'd graduate.

We'll go with objectively. Ed if we're wrong. It's all good. It's all right. I'm from the outside looking in.

I've watched you and I'm, I do have a good opinion of that. Like you say it how it is. I appreciate you so much. Speaking of some crazy shit that I discovered whenever we're going to take it all the way back.

You're, you're like a, you're a farm boy from Minnesota. Let's talk about this because you have like a really crazy child had story. Yeah. I really love him. It's actually really cool.

Yeah. Yeah. And I, and I totally just like, I love it so much.

I've never, I've never been the one to be like, just living in, does, does that

I'm in, in L.A. should I tell people like, I'm L.A. or, well, there's a night. It's like, I'm Minnesota. Like Midwest, Minnesota. I grew up on a farm. I farm no animals.

My parents were, absolutely. Why? They were the animals. So I heard that your mom was a cheerleader and your dad was a biker. Yeah.

Like what your mom's cheerleader in high school was.

Yes. You literally, probably. Oh, 100%. 100%. We're good and bad.

I got, I got a lot of my dad's good qualities. Oh, like all of my mom's good qualities. So I kind of won with that. No. My mom was like cheerleader straight-a student.

My dad was like kicked out of Catholic school and had to go to this other school. And like, pulled up beat up my mom's boyfriend at the time and like, through, through around the back of his bike. It's like your mind. Yeah.

That's my kind of guy. No, no literally 100%. Yeah. A lot of girls at home are like, that's hot. And he was, I'm telling you, I know.

What I say, like, through we're on the back of my bike, like, take it out. Every, like, that is, my dad is like, he was, he was, he was the real deal. He was one of one. There's this quote from fair and low thing in Las Vegas. That's, uh, two weird to live, two rare to die.

That was my dad. He couldn't get his shit together. But he was so rare that, like, we had to have him here. Yeah. You know?

And, um, yeah.

“So we grew up on, like, a giant, like, what would you say?”

Like, five acres? Sorry. I'm talking off camera to my sister. Yeah. We love that.

It's like five acres in the middle of Minnesota. Like, I go back to this town. It still hasn't changed a bit. It's so small. And, uh, I actually have this great conversation with someone last night.

That also, like, grew up in the middle of nowhere. But it's like, from age zero to six, no neighbors, no friends. Only my sister. Who, older sister, it takes a long time for your older sister to like you. Yeah.

Like, yeah. Trust me. I'm an older sister. I get it. And we'll get to this, too.

But my sister was the, like, my mom, the cheerleader straight-a-student. This one right here? Yes. Uh, yes. Uh, so we were total opposites in so many ways.

Uh, but one zero to six grew up on a farm, no friends. Total just imagination. What was life like with your parents? Were they pretty stable? Or were they just--

No. Yeah. Not at all. Take me on that.

“I mean, my mom was the definition, like, of an angel, like, just trying to,”

caring about, kind of zooming out and looking forward to me and like, my kids shouldn't see or hear or know about things that are going on. You know, but my dad literally would have his girlfriends calling the house. No. Be in, like, and my sister would answer the phone and be like, he, like, my sister is, like,

nine, like, bitch. You know what I'm saying, right?

Like, that was the first time I heard curse words.

Was my sister, like-- I love that sister was ratting us at nine, though. Just take it from mom. Hell, yeah. Oh, hell, yeah.

And, like, I mean, also, my sister was, like, the bartender. My sister was, like, making them gin and tonics and old fashions at nine. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I was literally, my favorite picture of when I was a kid was me, like, drinking a pap's that, like, fucking four years old. You're small, iconic. Yeah.

Secondly, that's crazy. Like, they had slip-ons. My dad's like, post it up. I'm, like, drinking a pap's, like, literally. Oh, my dad's.

So you guys grew up, rock and roll. A hundred percent. That's how I grew up, too. And we grew up, like, ten minutes from Bob Dylan's farm in Minnesota. Was my favorite artist for all time?

Minnesota, like, yeah. And so it was all rock and roll. It was all, like, you listen to the almond brothers. You're either a Dylan guy or a Beatles guy. We are Dylan people, like, and in the band, and it was music all the time.

I love that. And motorcycles. Like, my mom and dad were all motorcycles.

Like, my first scar that I still have on my legs, falling off my dad's bike.

When I was four years old, burning my leg on a thousand-degree exhaust pipe. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. It was wild. Wow.

It was wild. I know when people have this picture of Minnesota there. They're not thinking, like, this. This is what it was like growing up there for me, you know. But what stuck with me the most through those.

I don't even know if you call one through six formative years. But there's so much for me. There's so much for me. Okay. Yeah.

Great. Thank you. Because it made me who I am. Yeah. I am permanently in my own world, in my own imagination.

Because I had all this space and no friends. It no neighbors and no nothing. So I was in my head all day running around this field. Pretending I was whatever superhero or a spy or any of those things.

And I've never left that world.

Everyone.

“I'm like, I think that's part of your child, like, charisma.”

You know, like, you have this, like, just sweet wonder about you. And I even told Jay that. I was like, he was like, he's just so sweet, you know. And now I understand where you get it from. I.

From there. Thank you. You're welcome. Torable. Everyone.

Your razor threshold for compliments to not immediately throw someone back at other people. Yes. I won't let you do. Just say thank you. I tell this to all people.

I'm like, raise your threshold. I gave you a compliment.

Just be like, damn. Thanks. Like.

Mod is dropping gems guys.

I hope you're fine. Yeah. I did. I needed you today because I had a horrible day yesterday and today. This is.

Well, let's get into that too. So we're going to talk about this. We're going to flip this and be like, welcome to dumb brown hair. No, we're not doing it. Um, so I wanted to circle back on the Bob Dylan thing that you had said.

And I wanted to tell you something that you might actually enjoy. My husband is a huge Bob Dylan fan. Love's Bob Dylan. His son Noah was actually born to like a rolling stone. And I know that's your favorite Bob Dylan song.

So when I heard that, I was like, Oh, my God. This is like kindred souls. It's crazy. I so I so can tell the jelly roll fan and Bob like I can so see it.

Oh, he just went and saw him at.

Where were we in Austin? What's it called? The the whole big fucking festival. They have out there. The awesome city events or something like that.

Yeah. Yeah. They went and saw Bob Dylan. Oh. I was like, did you record it?

And he was like, no. Yo, yo, again, it's like the great. I tell every artist. There's so many artists that are so lost right now. Especially the younger ones that have had a different upbringing in a different kind of world of being an artist.

You know, I grew up as an artist. Pre internet. Pre having a studio in your house. Where you had actually worked free laptop and pro tools. Like this was like the growing up with instruments set up in your garage.

And every day after school you came and jammed with your friends. And if you're friend and show up, you can jam. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like I grew up in that world.

I grew up in the back of vans playing shows for free, sleeping on people's floors, all that. The world that it's hidden now is a lot is shifted in a lot of different ways. And a lot of artists get really lost because they'll have these giant peaks and valleys.

“My whole thing was like just that giant like slow lift, right?”

And there's so many. And there's so many. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

And there's so many for young artists, peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys. And he gets hard and I'm like yo, study, I don't care if you hate Bob Dylan's voice. I don't care if I don't give a fuck. Just study his career. Like this is a man that was slated as the voice of a generation.

Him and an acoustic guitar in a harmonica. The second that he was at is peak of this voice of a generation. He grabbed an electric guitar, showed up to Newport Jazz Festival. The first electric performance ever at Newport Jazz Festival. Got boot off stage.

For a year after that played like Rolling Stone to his concerts. And got booted by his biggest fans.

And never stopped playing this song.

And it is now regarded as like the top greatest song ever. And like that is like believing in what you're doing. And not putting the control in the hands of the audience of telling you that it's great. Or telling that it's successful. And then as soon as they loved him being electric, he went and made a country out.

They hated it. Soon as they loved that, he went and made a blues record. They hated it. Soon as they loved that, gospel record. Soon as they loved that.

It's like dude just was like never are you in control of my success. And who I am. And I follow my instincts and follow my guts.

“Also a guy who disappeared for 10 years and came back and dropped what I think is his greatest record of all time blood on the tracks.”

Like it's just the greatest mentality for an artist to be in. To not think that like. Not be putting a box. Oh, they're going to forget me. Oh, they're going to forget about me.

If I don't post today, they're going to forget about me. If I don't drop a song right now, they're going to forget about. It's like man, just like create art as if you're already done gone. And it will be the best art of your life. Hmm.

That's amazing. I love that you tell young artists to go on study Bob Dylan. My husband did that on his good night, Nashville album. We watched every Bob Dylan documentary that you could fucking find. And he just consumed Bob Dylan for like months.

It was wild. And it was the best thing I ever did. Now look what he's doing. Can't you can't put him in a box. We love you so much.

No, like it. And I'm just saying what you're saying is real though. Like you told you tell people to go and study him and that, you know, he's one of your favorite artists and like my husband too and look what he's doing. And it's regardless of the music. It's like study the path that he took as an artist.

You know, it's like my I learned a quote because I've been like, I've been chasing art and I'm talking like the facets of art like painters for I've been studying painters. I study the lives of people, you know. I've been studying painters since I was very young kid. And when I heard the quote at like 13 years old that was like.

“A great artist reinvent themselves every 10 years, right?”

And like that's their periods, you know, as a painter you have like periods. Like, you know, you have the blue period or the abstract period. And like all these people like lived by that. And I put that into like my life as a musician.

I was a drummer, you know.

And then my bands were doing good. Like my dreams were coming true. And I felt something that I had to do. And completely abandoned all comfort. And went back to ground zero and I was like, I am mods on now.

I am going movement on dream stand on it. And I'm starting this new thing. And I did 10 years as a rapper calling what I did hippy hop and making positive rap music. That like, this was before Kendrick Lamar did like I love myself. Like, yeah, we had day loss all and we had like more like positive kind of hip hop.

“But like in that term, it was like, I want to make hip hop based around the secret and the law of attraction, right?”

Which was like, it was not, it was goofy. It was like, it was an idea that people like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I was like, I'm pushing through this at a 10 years of that. Then I did like a 10 year stint of being like back into my more like alt. And you know, really high register belting.

And then I'm in this like 10 year phase right now.

That's like so, so raw and it's finally, I was about to take three years off from music.

I went back to Minnesota in August of this last year. And I was like, I'm just going to paint and write scripts in direct for the next like four years. Because I don't really think I have the desire to try to outdo myself. Right. So this was when I was very like loss.

This was the part of the being lost period that I just had. Where you had to rediscover yourself. Yeah. And I went back to Minnesota. I was crazy that you went back home.

Yes. To do that. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, my still there. Yeah, yeah, because we're going to circle back after what what happened at say. No, I'm good. I love here. I could listen to you talk for hours. I tried to warn you that I have just ran the man. I was monitoring them. No, I love it. But I think that's amazing that through everything that you have accomplished when you're going through hard times. The first thing you want to do is go back to that space where you were able to just be away from everybody and isolated and just alone with your thoughts, to just say.

Figure it out. I like I came back home from Minnesota and like the first song I wrote like the end of the song is like you're searching for a high, but you can't fly till you fall. And if funny how you find yourself once you lose it all home is waiting when there's nowhere left to go. You'll find love there. I hope you know, and it's like the last little part of this song and it's like it wraps up that whole feeling of being like Surgeon for all these things. I fall in that was how you fly isn't it funny you can't fly till you fall. Yeah

Like I mean, well, there's nowhere up. No, we're out. It has to be thrown from the nest to learn out of light. But I brought that as a sound. There's more truth than poetry in that, but it is so popular. No, it's so real. So let's start talking me back down. I got you baby. Listen, my husband's a Sagittarius, I got this. So Six years old, tell me what happens then. You're living this rock star lifestyle with your family. Mom's dad's girlfriend's are calling the house.

“Yeah. Shits crazy. You guys are partying. Where are you guys exposed to drugs back then, too, and stuff? Or was it just my apple?”

She would know better because I was young. Like she has more memories than I do. We talk about this all the time where she was like, yeah, I was like nine. So there's a big difference between six and nine, you know, where it's like there's more memories.

But basically what happened is like they got divorced and my mom was working for my dad had a

a what he owned a warehouse and it was a warehouse that would hold things that truckers needed to come in town and pick up like parts and stuff. Yeah, like I think it was a lot like paint based like paint for industrial stuff and the looses kind of career ever like I'm talking like it was party at the warehouse you don't say it but it would just be truckers pulling up to this warehouse picking up stuff and my dad was a trucker before it is all like which is why I love the road so much like

he was a trucker in his early life and say, pull it to the house anyway my mom was working at that place with my dad when they got divorced my dad fired my mom okay son of a bitch yeah fire my mom and so my mom had no career no money nothing and my mom was like yo you can't have like you like she fought for full custody right she was like I know no um and so my mom got full custody and due to that got the house that we're living in the house wasn't paid for my mom had no money house got four clothes not okay so

“there's big giant farm life that I was loving and it was just like I should I think we're like I think”

this is cool like we're good to go went to immediately like living in like a two bedroom apartment

out of this like farm put you in the suburbs like we need to get you adjusted all this like

“my mom went to bane basically like an intern at a job to like top of the chain in like”

that's where you get your drive 40 years or what or I don't know how long it was that she worked at that job but she retired like 10 years ago now she's been retired but she went from literally working for free to like top of the list right and yeah yeah through those times and like

the first thing my mom did so this is this is part of my other formative everything is like

my mom was like all right dude like you don't you don't know how to be social you know I'm seven years old now you don't know how to be social yeah yeah I was in school like but but this school that I was in when I was on the farm was like five kids you know what I'm saying it was like five kids that kind of telling pretty much a hundred percent okay so now I'm like seven or whatever seven or eight and my mom's like I'm gonna put you in sports you hate sports you can quit right

“you can totally quit so I'm gonna put you in sports because I feel like it'll give you like”

this social acceptance of of being like a team and like kind of forced to make those friends right and you'll have a coach which is a father figure okay so was that kid to dad cut you guys off like what it was it was that kind of dad so he stayed in Minnesota for I want to say like four years after they had gotten divorced and then he moved along with California but in those four

years it was the hey I'm coming by to pick you up this weekend and never show up it was that it was

like me waiting on the front step with a bag oh that's so hard and never and never showing up and we need to show up my dad always just wanted to be like I'm so fly I'm so like it like he would he would go and like get a big house and like the really like poor neighborhoods like and try to like show off and be all fly and this and that and like he was just he was he was the best hustler in the world he could sell headphones to a deaf guy I swear to god he was like the greatest

hustler ever so I for a lot of his life I have no idea what he did but he could always have like $100 bill in his pocket and that was probably it because he did die with nothing you know sorry I just wanted to ask because you said that you needed a father that just wanted you to have father that thing so I had no father for sure yeah so she put me in sports and like greatest thing any tip to people out there that have children my mom I put on ice gates got on the ice got off my

mom looked at me and said you're a fucking natural and like from that point on my mom told me that about everything and she might have been lying through her teeth but that inserted something

“in me that to this day I believe I am a natural it anything I do I have so much confidence in myself”

that like I'm meant to do this you know and it's like delusion and delusion is a lot a big part of success you know absolutely delusion and manifesting you can't in hand it's so fun obviously words like delusion negative manifesting positive it's like delusion has to be negative I mean I feel like it's not at all I feel like you're avoiding negativity when you want to be in your own delusional world yeah so I don't understand how to do it yeah exactly oh sorry I'm telling

myself that I'm worth it yeah oh the world hates that don't ever say that you are worth something because if you do they're gonna try to humble you yeah so mom put you in sports yeah put me in sports told me I was a natural I began playing sports did you stick with the sports yeah for many years my first so like check this out so like my first I would say from like eight to thirteen I was totally totally uh a hundred percent thinking that I was a professional

athlete right love that as a hundred percent like I'm a professional athlete okay this is what I played goalie and hockey I played lacrosse I was a nasty lacrosse those are hard to take goalie and hockey I was nasty at goalie I played catcher and baseball my mom's like yo why not like choose the thing that's not all eyes on you if something goes wrong but like she's like sitting at the stairs like dude you're the goalie in the back that if the goal goes in you come home and you're like I want

to fucking get myself but she was just like all right you got this you know like I was a loner right I was a loner I was an imagination person so I chose those you know when I zoom out and look back on it I chose those positions because I was like sitting back in the net like by myself surrounded by no one just being like talking to myself like yeah because maybe in a way

you always felt like it was like you against the world yeah so even as a child it was always like

I always was like I cannot rely on anyone else to make me get there I was always a lot a lot later

life which was like your life will be so much better if you can just be a hundred percent

“responsible a hundred percent of the time when things go wrong there is it's a form of empathy”

to just realize that you're responsible somehow for it going wrong and if you can stop being like "oh, the poor me poor me like" and just be like all right cool lesson learned like you'll you'll

you'll be so much greater so like yeah I always had this like hundred percent responsible a hundred

percent of the time when it make it happen so it was playing sports and then the wildest thing happened on 13 you know I'm flipping through ESPN and watching these sports games right professional athletes and then my sister is obsessed with Hanson okay not a Hanson girl over there no full on Hanson full on Hanson okay and we're fighting for the remote and I'm flipping the hockey and she's flipping the Hanson and it just dawns on me I go I'm watching full on adults with their career there is

no child on the ice in the NHL and she's watching children play to an arena of people at a

“professional level these kids are like between 10 and 13 I think I can relate more to the”

youngins on the instruments than I can to the grown-ups on the ice I was like mom get me a drum set for Christmas that was it you were like this is I get me a drum set for Christmas and like were you musically inclined before not one did you sing did you write not one bit really always always and to drawing and painting okay that was always my thing like I think one of my

other first career goals was to be a comic book that drew comic books so always into like

that side art so I connected to that side art but as soon as I saw this this young and with the hair down here being like ten years old playing drums to a arena of people and I realized in that moment I said I can't see what the hell the guitar player is doing from the TV screen I can't see I can't tell this is too confusing for my mind understand this piano player no idea can't even see it from the TV I can just see he's moving his hands but drums he's got sticks in his hand

and he's got four drums in front of them I can see every move he's making wow I was like I can learn from a distance you know I can learn that from a distance from that it led me to finding Travis Barker I play an instrument too which is piano which I suck at it now but I grew up playing piano and to learn an instrument by watching somebody is a fucking talent in its own but you see what I'm saying with drums it's like the only one that you can look and be like

but that's still hard you're going like this you're going like this you're going like this no matter how fast you're doing I can still tell what you're doing that's crazy that you were able to do that so you got a drum set and you got a drum set I got a drum set I got a drum set I got a drum set you by then so I had the drum set and I was still in sports at this moment right I had the drum set would look at it and be like this and like I took lessons for a second my mom put me in lessons

and I had one lesson it was from a dude who came over fully drunk and tried to pick up my mom on a date and my mom was like dude I don't think we can make this happen like I don't think I can just have like random men coming to this house to like teach you how to play drums you know and so she's the great one day you got a meter because she is so cool like I just got this awesome new new house in Tarzan that's like my it's my happy place and like I have the she has her own room

there full of and I'm just like I'm like mom and when I get this house like I'm going to get this house

“and you have to spend six months of the year at least out here period and a story you are a mama's”

boy turned true but in a good way oh it's I love it I have great I have great I was raised by my mama my sister right completely like I have great female energy to like make female's feel safe and comfortable and open around me and it's my like one of my favorite qualities about myself that's

way that's so not alpha male that's that's amazing with there's too many fucking alphas running around

in the world just hurting women that's why so many women have chosen the bear have you seen this whole thing that's going on online or it's like they're like if you got they they've asked women have you seen this thing if you get lost and like a forest would you want to be lost in the forest with a bear or with a man and about 99% of women have chosen the bear is that not fucking insane

they need to make more that's so real it's wild but anyways circling back so you start playing

“the drums yeah and it did is this when you had started I had heard somewhere that you had”

started like watching the blink 180 2 yeah so like drums set for a minute like kind of got a little discourage I'm gonna look at my notes too by the way yeah please do please do cut the camera cut to me she's not doing anything there's nothing I'm not texting us there they kind of like went to the waistline so I got a little discourage you know by like the lessons and like it just there was only so many little video tapes that she took a hand to then I could watch yeah I mean they only had like

two good hits right yeah I mean don't say that around her like you're a bitch you're a bitch you like listen to her you know she's also handsome tattoo I was not a handsome fan was not a handsome man but do you really have a handsome tattoo okay okay I was like we got to talk about this says they really did only have like two hits though that I thought it right umbop and what was the

“other one that were like mainstream give it a goog come on you can talk yeah you can talk we love”

that yeah we love that oh no look at she's already well you guys you'll be a little hard on hands it all right I love that a different release pattern I love that that's amazing that is hilarious all right all right they had two hits okay yeah yeah I mean I mean they're looking

to giving them two hits okay giving them two hits might have been nice you've never heard of them

yeah you're young yeah I can already tell yeah yeah I already know how if she doesn't know who handsome as she's too young for you bro 100% 100% for that literally I had a conversation someone the other night is like you don't know all right okay I'm not all right so you start playing these drums yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then all of a sudden and must have been 1999 or 2000 like 2000 all of a sudden I seem like when I need to see Travis Barker I see

“the coolest looking person I've ever seen in my life and I'm like watching and play drums”

and I'm like oh bet I was like I got a drum set in my basement I was like it's it's done this is the person I can act with and that was at the time just when like Napster and Kaza and these other little things like this is 56K dial up and in it yeah I just presented to download every single thing I would have to stay up all night because the phone line we get you sat up to stay up all night and download these things and I wake up right away in the morning as it was downloading all the

and I go when I'm fucking make sure that did come through okay and but while you could do this this was actually the greatest thing while you were downloading something at these times it took you like three days did download a music video you know real talk and but you could preview you could preview it while it was downloading so if it had 15% you could watch 15% of it so I would sit this far from the computer screen and watch that 5% watch that 10% watch that 15% and sit there and just

watching every as can see everything you're doing everything you're doing and that is crazy and and proceeded that I mean the whole time my mom is going get off the internet and go be a normal kid I can't use the phone like what are you doing down there and I'm like guess this internet thing wasn't a fan yeah right so I guess it's kind of on to something and I just proceeded to watch

every single thing and so it was always the kid that was like oh I can play like once on time to

start a man you know so when did you start your first band first band 13 years old really you just like and we're like one day this is this is my 10 year chain the you know how you said you do you change every 10 years this was like your 10 year change and you were ready to just do something completely different yep I love that about you and I started it it started it had to like and and still again like it was it was really hard because when I turned

16 right or just so right as you're going into high so so right as you're going into freshman year that was when hockey because I was like slated to be like a pro golly like I was a good Minnesota is a is a hockey town and pros come from Minnesota and my city that I was in Bloomington Minnesota we had the scouts would come to our school to pick pros right I was slated to be a professional goalie okay and I was working with golly coaches and like you're going to be a

pro like we got this right and I had to make like the hardest decision ever at that time which was going into high school this is right when it right when it turned into like okay

same and then you're going to practice immediately from school like your life is just you're in a nine to five yeah you know literally and I had to make the choice of me like no I'm going to be I'm going to be a drummer I'm going to be a drummer and I had to quit and every what like I had I had grown man golly coaches coming to take me out to lunch to try to convince me otherwise don't do it don't do it trust me you're not golly you're not going to be a musician do you know

you know many times at this time I got told 1 in a million and I was like you're looking at the one

you're looking at the one my boy like that's all it's sorry to say I'm going to be the one yeah

“you know and I believe that and I quit every sport picked up a skateboard started getting really”

good skateboarding and my life just became skateboarding drums and wearing dickies down here in vans and faming stars straps he shared it I had to change my whole appearance like overnight like it all changed like I don't care this whole poserism in this whole like oh all of a sudden you're dressing the part like this all you like punk music's and all of a sudden you got like liberty spikes and you're wearing the sad vicious chain like yeah cool change your appearance are people all

to grow yeah exactly an experience but then again that's the world shutting the door on them it's like that word poser it's like yeah for sure the first day I showed up to the skate park not knowing not a skate it was like wearing the lame shit like I was posing yeah to be like y'all 'cause I wanted to be like y'all but like don't ever for a second doubt that a year later I was one y'all right but you put a new one is everyone not a poser the first day they do and so I'm

the you don't think van go picked up a paintbrush and felt like a poser the first time you painted try to pay up looking like at other paintings like everyone's a poser the first time they try to do something they want to do the fuck is wrong with y'all like yeah yeah it's so real and it's like people just be so afraid of you know whatever it's so easy to do that human condition like you want people like you you know I love that though that even at 13 you had such a confidence and such a

strong mindset to say you know at note I don't care these grown adults are telling me that I'm not going to make it I'm going to fucking make it like I have I've had that mindset my entire life even as a kid people tell me you're going to end up barefoot in pregnant e-leave home I love

“Tom at 14 and never looked back you know you have to be your fucking number one fan nobody else is”

going to believe in you the way that you do and it's manifesting you're literally a powerful human being to be able to manifest something like that especially so young you know and to sit there I'm still mind blown but to sit there and learn how to play the drums by watching music videos that's like some fucking like crazy like my loudest as it politically corrective I say but it's like rain man shit like you are just like zeroed in and fucking just like you must have like your IQ must

be huge have you ever had a Nike test no I never have we didn't do it but I've really barely

I've really barely made it out of high school you know that is a matter no I know for sure some of the smartest people yeah failed in school for sure like the you that it's just not as school to me as a trap but don't kids if you're listening go to school no for sure like you go to experience school yeah good experience in school and just to have your friends and all that stuff but yeah to sit there and be able to like you know just be so headstrong it's such a young age as admirable tell me about

this first band and where this band I mean the first band was like was like you know a couple of friends like this really was when I was 13 14 and it was just like you're learning how to play guitar like you're the only one in this city because I was in the suburbs surrounded by jocks and cheerleaders for real like right that was what it was it was sports and cheerleading and that's it so I'm in those suburbs and I found like one kid that could play that was learning on a

play guitar I was like that like wearing a band you know I'm saying and it was really just me and guitar player you know I was saying there was no like and then we found our like kind of like other like delinquent home you like we're like pick up a bass like ever was that like slipper the bass everyone's like you know like anyway could play bass like you know no disrespect to y'all bass players like but everyone caught that's kind of a thing in music you know sit vicious was put in the

sex pistol because he looked so cool right they were like you just look so cool just pick up the

bass bro yeah like whatever my dad's a guitar player and what was an extremely amazing guitar player

and he in his latter years in life just switched over to bass because it was easier yeah 100% I mean

“you got four strings and you're usually only playing two of them and you have to do one at a time”

and you just like no it's awesome you got to have groove you got to have like fall into the pocket but for sure so that band was more just like we're learning our favorite songs you know what's the name almost there ah I love that almost there what it that's the next band I was in though we were say X-Teen we're called the sideline heroes I love that that's that name still to this

know I do I really mean to I really mean to I'd like writer credit for that yeah I don't

“we're gonna write together we're totally gonna write together you definitely do an intro we're”

we're taking some from this and and and we were rad we were super rad like we we were all like the bad kids in high school we were all the like you know failing students in high school and the like anti everything you know this was like oh this was the this was the revolution starter of guys wearing girls jeans you know I'm saying again hated on yeah so you guys were wearing skinny jeans back then oh not skinny jeans girls jeans because they didn't even make guys skinny jeans oh so you

guys were literally just wearing girls jeans I love that. A hundred percent and I I died to have my hair blonde out of my hair black and I came to school with I kid you not a briefcase not a backpack I walked through the hallways a high school with a briefcase and a scarf on in 70 degree weather you would have been one of my friends in high school because I love anybody who was

different like I have always been drawn to the people who are different because I'm different you know

so I I loved people like you what was your relationship status in high school when you started playing in a band all the girls start flocking a lot more you know I always like like I said I have female energy right so I always had like like girls yeah I always always did like and I've been very fortunate with like the females that I've attracted in my life I don't think you have female energy I think you have safe energy yeah and to females that's huge yeah we don't want to be around

fucking predator or girl yeah we want to fucking and also not hey let me talk to you they'll in a way that I don't talk around my friends right not that I'm like I'm like so the exact person in

“front of women and you know what I'm saying that's how my husband is yeah safe like women are”

okay being around him and alone with him because they don't have to fear of anything weird and creepy so I had a I did have a really cute girlfriend in high school for sure yeah what was her name uh Jenny Jenny school what's up what's up and I still vice sister still friends with her and talks to her but like like that was like yeah that was for sure the first love my life for sure we dated like all I want to say like all through high school but she was like the really pretty

sweet girl that would like come to like because we were playing like punk rock shows there was a venue in Minnesota called the garage it was like a youth center and we would play there every weekend and like we got big in the city you know what I'm saying we really did and um that that led me to being in um the first band that really like made it made it type of type of scenario like the first

“man it toured with the first band that like ever spoke to a label and any of that and we were”

called the semester and I got I got to be in that band because the two really good artists musicians that were like musicians kids that were like group and church playing instruments and giving guitar lessons to like grown men when they were like fucking 14 you know really good and I was self taught right they were really good and I had to like try out to be in their band you know it was like

like 16 17 like trying out to be in a band like this wild um they were amazing and they were

from a different city but the band I was in that was all from my same city would go and we played this youth center and it was a whole scene it was all the like outcast kids from surrounding areas were there and they were starting a new band and my band was like breaking up and I was like alright I want to play with these guys and I ended up being in a band with these guys after three trials you know I ended up playing with them and they would later break my heart and I would later

bring them back into my life and yeah well we got to talk about it yeah yeah can't go well really quick I would not interrupt well and interrupt you I just wanted to say isn't it crazy how your girlfriend was the sweet girl coming to the bad boys show isn't that so reminiscent of your mom and

your dad it really is exactly like yeah no it's so funny because I kind of never like put that

together in a string of sentences yeah I had to like circle back to that because I thought that was really and it totally was like I'm not wrong I totally was yeah yeah so what did these boys do video okay well so like from so then so then I guess like sophomore year and now I was in this like really like good band where we were playing everyday writing our own songs like recording and doing all this and I was the mouthpiece I was always the best mouthpiece like I wasn't the best

art musician in the band because I was self taught you know I didn't even understand what timing was right I was just like play fast man what are you talking about yeah yeah I was I was the mouthpiece though I would get it sing to the biggest venue town I was like dude I was the best at forming an

so I'll get it sing to the big venues I would get it song you know like I would get it song to go do like a little foreshow little mini tour by talking to other bands from other places and I was getting the eyes on us you know and the whole goal was like I'm gonna be in this band for the rest of my life like we got out of high school literally the day after I graduated in that barely graduate the day after I graduated we got in a tour event and went on a three month

tour around the country wow playing shows for 20 fucking dollars sleeping on people's for the whole point of playing shows to get on stage and go hey we got an order to say tonight if anyone here wants to let us take their house like that whole era of bands is done no my husband needs

to do that when we haven't had an eye first got together I've seen him play shows to five people

yeah and rock the stage like it was like he's playing a fucking ampithy and I'm telling you right now

“that's what separates us in them no for real you got not that we're putting down new artists”

no now but it's like you guys really were in these streets like you guys had the fucking sleep on people's couches you guys had fucking we didn't have a tour event a tour bus when the shit person that we had fucking a rental car or when we graduated from the rental car to a springer van our springer but the 18th of the year and then you would get to the springer but yeah yeah like there's levels of the shit yeah what was your first show like that you played like first show ever as a drummer yeah

first show ever as a drummer was like at this you at this youth center okay so you were 13

when that happened like yeah that would be like the first show that wasn't like in our living room

to like five people or like my mom and then we can circle back to my first show's mods on because then you'll see how this whole thing like builds up and then boom and then builds up and then boom we're like those kind of things it has been it's been wild with that but um so anyways

“back to how they rock my heart yeah sorry we we went on this tour okay I was like in contact”

with labels I was like this is it this is my whole life we got back from that tour they called me on the three three all the other three of them on the phone call your kicked out of our band you're not good enough peace these were my like best friends these are everything they literally looked at me they literally called me and said peace you're not good enough to be in our band and that was it after you guys had just a drug out yeah yeah they get greedy pulled the rug out they just set

out wasn't good enough that wasn't good enough over drummer that's hurt and like the them just pulled the rug out and like I this is the most beautiful time in my life because it was so it was so hard and it created exactly where I am today I went get was living with my mom's though you know I'm saying super broke like being in a band you're broke like right like starving muscles real completely broke and this is my first now year out of high school and my mom's like shit dude

you were bad and everything on this and like you literally were like fuck any other plans in high school or what I'm supposed to be thinking about like this is all I'm doing and they just pulled the rug I mean my mom's such like a she's like I'm gonna go knock on their door and talk to that you know my mom's like not like show fight for me right saving my sister and but I just like this was my first time ever feeling like depression right it's my first time I locked myself

my mom's garage and I was a stoner oh also I got kicked out of the bank so I was like a stoner and also like had found drugs and like stuff like that maybe a caveat that I forgot to introduce us get over that guy's also super straight-laced and I was like I grew up with a dad like telling me to party at age five guys like you guys were in church grow and like like we live in different life but yeah I was like story and then we'll we'll slug her back to the

yeah yeah so maybe glossed over that part a little bit but I love that you take accountability

“for that a hundred percent I mean I'll never forget it's first time like again I told them”

I was like yo I try cocaine and they were like how dare you you know they were like oh your life is over you know like that type of shit and I was like yeah dude but I was all emotional and I think shit was crazy you know they're like they're like cool they're like bro this dude is losing you know so again I do take responsibility but the way they went about to be like you're not good enough you're out right that was like heartbreaking and then to just be like forget our

number we're never talking to you again so then anyway it's locked myself in my mom's garage

smoke weed all day and finally connected to Bob Dylan because when I was young it was just listen to Bob Dylan listen to Bob Dylan when your parents are telling you to listen to something you're like no dog like you're my parents like right but I was always like they saw there's something there and I like force myself to like really get into it and I just smoked weed and listen to

to songs and then I turned off and I'd be like to my homies who were really good and be like

“no no no no no no hey what came my singing you're not even in a key dog you can't sing”

don't ever sing you know tell me you can't sing you're not a singer and I would hear I hate Bob Dylan's voice he can't sing and I'm like boom there's our through line they said they say this dude can't sing they say I can't sing he fucking did something with it I'm doing something with it and that was it I was like I'm starting my own thing and if I can't sing yet I'll tell you what I can do like all I'm going to get there but I'll tell you what I can do

you play drums and I got rhythm and I can I understand pattern I'm going to rap

no can't tell me I can't talk right you know I love that so it's like I love and nobody can tell

I had a high hat it's like a rap and I was like cool I'm going to put that together you know so your I see a pattern here that all throughout your life if somebody tells you you can't do something you're going to fucking prove them wrong it's it's my gift to my curse because it goes to authority too and ruins can ruin great relationships that I mean because I cannot be told what to do does that trickle over and do like women too 100% 100% I run so far from authority

and that's like that's like anyone just being like try living your life the way I live it to and maybe and like how dare you tell me to change my lifestyle how dare you to tell me that I shouldn't be staying up till six a.m. every night in sleeping till two p.m. how dare you tell me that I should try to like move with the sun how dare you try to tell me that I should live like this or you know what I'm saying yeah and I'm and that's like my biggest thing that I'm working on right

now is like understanding that like there's a difference between authority of like me being a kid and being like chased by the cops for skateboarding on a six there is difference between like that authority and be like fuck you and a difference between someone being like hey you want to like live how I live too yeah you want to like meet the middle dog like you want to do that and not just be like I'm your plus one like to your life yeah like 100% I'm really focused on like

understanding that but it's a trigger are you in therapy I have done great great therapy sessions and then I like kind of straight away because they authority probably yeah because you see you have somebody telling you what true but they've given me so many of those like here's the starting point right you know which is what we like here's the starting point like like my therapist gave me the greatest piece ever which was like this is why you do that because like I've

seemed to uh end up in relationships with famous girls right it's been like a pattern and why

“you know people be like even my friends like man you're a star fucker bro okay I think you”

just like wrong women who are driven boom boom boom I was in my head being like what is wrong with me why am I like like this why am I like so attracted to like a celebrity woman and whatever and it's like my therapist was like okay so you watch your mom get completely everything taken away from your for your father and think that she was feel worthless and powerless and you've seen you know heartbeat abused in multiple ways you want to be with a strong woman

and the industry you're in the strong women you're surrounded by are the ones with fame if you were working in an office you'd want to fuck the CEO yeah and there's nothing wrong with that and I was just like boom I feel so much better about myself because I was like oh my star fucker like what is that I'm like well I am from Minnesota small town I used to see magazine covers and be like one day you're trying to rationalize it but there's nothing wrong with wanting a strong

“woman who has her own name it's the independence I think that attracts you to women who are”

famous because they can do whatever the fuck they want because they have their own money you know

so yeah I'd does circle back to childhood trauma but it doesn't always mean that it's a negative thing

true you know truly truly and I am like where's the norm a girl in my life that works at Starbucks can we talk about something in relation is we're gonna circle back to the drug thing too I haven't forgotten but can we talk about some of your relationships yeah I did see a couple of them online some girls that you have been with and I mean like bellethorn beautiful strong woman take me on that journey to that was a really that was like a really fun one and then like

end of like really dramatically and stuff and like that was uh that was just like uh you know this was when I was a drug addict and alcoholic and this was like met her through friends was like

isom like the way I live life is very hippy you know I'm saying and uh she was on that you know

“I was like this girl with like hairy armpits it's like so beautiful I was like why am I so”

attractive like she's a rebel it was like it really was I was like you're so like naturally like

don't give a fuck and whatever so um just like so many amazing times with her and you know

I have I do have this like not only with authority like I don't want to be the plus one so it is hard to like match the energy of like oh you're like more popping in you know and like so so a lot of it was that but like I was super supportive and I loved watching her shine and uh she was very like very you lived her life in like a grown way and took care of things and all that but it ended poorly you know what I'm saying we're like in this like maybe we're in like a like polyamorous

like like thrupple relationship with this other person and I'm a jealous fucking person too so even if it's another female oh he said oh yeah I'm just so jealous yeah I have a jealousy thing again like I know my things to work on you know it's a March 10 I swear to God we've been sitting here this whole time and in my head Pisces just keep like replaying that is fucking wild total Pisces yeah I love the I'm a Pisces Venus so I love hard like when we love we are just it's

like an ocean and I dive off the cliff to dive off the cliff into it and like so so anyways like this was definitely like one of my first like really really you know I love to beat the two and a half year mark but these things with me seem to ask last like two and a half years you know and it was two and a half years of my life that's when you really get to know somebody though and that's when

the most start falling off like people always say oh it's the first six months now it's not

it could be over a year and you don't really get to know somebody until like a year and a half two years under the relationship yep my husband and I thought like cats and dogs the first three years of our relationship I did not know how we fucking survived it and made it to where we are because we literally had to learn to one we had to learn that we were both trash bags and then we had to fucking unpack the trash together and then we had to decide like hey are we gonna continue

“to fucking be trash bags or are we gonna fucking try to just level up together and I think that”

in relationship is a real partnership but you know that's two and a two years or two and a half years is where you get to a point of like it's a make or break and if the two people can't decide hey we want to do this together and level up which a lot of people aren't built like that anymore

these like I haven't forbid if anything ever happened I would never want to date and this

fucking society again because nobody knows how to work on things and like really fucking struggle with somebody you know like people don't they want they want the happiness and they want the fairy tale but they don't want to struggle they don't want the lows they want the highs you know I'm saying so I think that's probably where you're meeting that situation over and over again is because you're picking partners who don't want to do the work or maybe you at that moment

didn't want to do the work so real sorry I'm not I'm not trying to over here be it be it that necessary like I I'm actually like tuned into these conversations one and every because I'm like do I like just die alone like for real like it's not my journey and like like look like like obviously it sounds whatever but it's also like so romanticized to me because I'm like tortured locked up artists in the middle of the woods painting and smoking cigarettes and

again writing would you choose the bear or the man the bear because you said you were in the middle of the woods so would you would you ever hold a and that would be the same if I was a female two I'd be like the bear you said the bear what 100% so I just want to make you laugh you're not going to die alone you know what I know when I say that it sounds like one of those things but I am like I'm such a lover boy in those things where I'm just like like yeah yeah I know it sounds

like like sad but to me it's so romanticized and so just like you know what like I've had it I felt it and like we'll see what happens but I am you have with other things you know you have manifested not that a woman will make you any more than you already are your whole by yourself but you have manifested everything in your fucking life yeah you are gonna manifest the perfect woman for you yeah you just have to believe that like you have believed in yourself and everything else that

“you have done in this life you have to start believing it stop romanticizing being alone and start”

romanticizing falling in love start visualizing your perfect girl I would tell you a trick to do but I don't know if I'll get trouble on the podcast but it's it's it's like a well and cut it if it is

no when you're masturbating envision the perfect woman that you want yeah and

masturbate to her and to you you know for wish that's great because I don't watch porn that's manifesting though but it and they say I don't know if it's like a witchcraft thing or a spell thing I am not into that but they say that if you do that you're literally manifesting the person that you want and these people will start coming into your life it's real try it let me know how it goes call me after all like I got to get past some of the previous manifesting that

bit right yeah clear this is told me that like a 20 years ago clear this way it's like you're jerking off to celebrities your manifesting celebrities you see that you know so I'm thinking maybe

“the therapist was wrong about the whole like start of the trauma I think we just actually”

found the risk yeah wasn't the like mom thing it's like what you've been with it's a schmorgas board of all of it but I mean if you are walking off to celebrities it makes sense you know so I'm moving on to you know it's back in the amount it's the machinations you know say like yeah but I do think watching porn for fucks you up yeah I don't mind porn it doesn't bother me but I when it's a problem yeah like if you're watching porn more than touching

your partner then that's a problem oh yeah yeah which that happens and a lot of relationships oh yeah yeah definitely moving on to your next relationship the one that your most recent one are we can we touch on that one yeah so that was a brutal year for you last year yeah can you take me on that journey how did you meet Avril um we we uh we met their music you know

“we met their music and it was like it was a great time like I worked on an album that she was doing”

and we had a song of mine together and um it's called what what is it called our song is called flame yeah you guys have a listen to the song it's a great song yeah it's a great song and like we met through like a really awesome way which was making music you know and it was lovely and she was like the true talent being around like really true talent especially as like I write songs for other artists as well you know and produce for other artists as well and she it was like

amazing like coming up with an idea and seeing someone like so fucking talented singing and it was like

it was it was incredible and also I've known who she was since I was a very young kid in fucking Minnesota I heard you had her posters on the wall a hundred percent and a poster on the wall see or black and off mod yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah right yeah that's your homework love he and she was yeah yeah so um it was like just it was a really it was a really beautiful time when we met and it was also in the pandemic so like we you know like I said I'd dive in fast

this fuck I just like completely dive into something and um I think she was that way as well and we just like ended up immediately being with each other and living together and it was in the pandemic where we were all stuck inside anyway so it was like um it was really good to know somebody really

“fast though yeah because that's what my husband and I did that married a month after meeting yeah and”

that's what that's like how I've always been hopped into the fucking front pan yeah yeah like we're

gonna figure this shit out yeah and um and yeah it was like a really incredible time she was like a very she's like a grown woman you know and that was a wonderful change for my relationship types to be with you know uh the most amazing compliment that you can give a woman I love that yeah and and again like I want to give anyone that I was in a relationship like the compliments you know what I'm saying like when we spoke about Bella's second ago it was like I was uh directing a video for

a man called Palo Rao yesterday and their friends with her and the whole concept of the video even if this doesn't make it enough love to tell you this it's really great um they don't even know that I'm making this video for it okay their mother passed away last week their three brothers and a man okay their mother just passed away and they have this giant song that's so good that was already slated to come out and they're like their labels like we should have

video please it's sensitive time like we can't we won't be on camera so their management came to me and it's like can you put something together and the whole thing is like friends and fans and other people from big bands coming together to create this like moment of a special video for them not like a sad video at all not like a dedication to their mother nothing like the song's very upbeat it's yeah it's like showing them like we got your back and like also like when you do

a gorilla video like that where you're just kind of like all coming together on the spot yeah

anyways tell me back uh they their management knows that they're like good friends with Bella and

they were like yo would you be comfortable if we invited her and I was like literally was like I would love to say hi to her and and give her a hug and send her my love you know what I'm saying I was like I would love that you know a year after we broke up I was like oh if I ever see you'd probably like like don't get it just give you them a dirtyest look but it's like I have nothing but you know love for that so like jumping back like yeah it was being with a

“grown woman it was awesome it was where two different people but um it was great I think I”

had a great influence on her I think she could have had a really more wonderful influence on me

just from the side of like grown up and and being a grown up kind of you know because I'm learning

later in life of how beautiful it is like I'm like I said I'm very secure of who I am right now and I've been a little lost in the last like three years as far as like where do I fit in or who am I and you know there's there's great things that I could have like taken out of it but that just sends you a message again of you're not good enough yeah yeah certainly certainly and and like on top of that too it's just like I had to like really regain this big big

empathetic heart that I've been missing for a long time and then like it's really calm around lately this like leading with empathy you know I pray every single day right and like um in my prayers I'm just like allow me to lead with empathy and like be a shining light like

and my form of empathy is just finally attached to like being like dude you got to get outside of

yourself and when someone does you wrong stop thinking fuck them you did me dirty I'm out for revenge and this and that it's start being like just be in their position like step outside and um and things of like it formed in my life lately where I was just like oh my god I don't I can't have any of those feelings or anyone I couldn't force myself to anymore you know if we had done this like talk like three months ago I might have been like me fuck that person no

I want I want out she hears this you know what I'm saying I'm just like yo running to you all of all I hope you're well because I in a feeling though and being able to you know put I don't it maybe it's egos make heartbreak aside and be like came on I understand you were going through your own shit too even though you fucking shattered my heart yes stomped on it yeah I still love you and I am responsible for what happened as well yeah in some way it

trickles down to that it's like you know I didn't give you what you communicated in a lot of times too what you mean it you know and like that that was another great thing I learned from the relationship was communication because like I'm like a run from the problem person I'm like literally like leave the house like I don't want to fight I'm out of here yeah when you calm down I'll be back that's so corny yeah that's so the wrong way to go about things um and so my communication skills

have like gone through the roof lately and and and uh and just being empathetic and and also like I I don't think it it's hard to get there when you're not in a good place yeah well you're when you're still emotional yeah when you're still on the other side of it being like man but like I I feel like shit right now how am I supposed to be happy for you but it's like it's okay

“you felt like that too yeah and yeah I know I know and that's what you know my best friend is”

is uh machine I call you and he is he is he is he is I I talk to him if I'm not with him that day I talk to him on the phone for three hours every day and he is like we're so there for each other it is like literally I I talking about all these relationships and stuff having felt emotional I'm feeling emotional talking about how much I fucking love my best friend he is like that's great. Guys is relationship. I want to hear all of that. Look at my eyes right now.

Well that's what I'm gonna hear about it. All right we're bad guys ladies and gentlemen we just had to take a bathroom break. Mods eyes were floating. You have to be so friendly caffeinated right. I really like extremely caffeinated. So tell me about you and uh in JK's relationship because you got a little teary. Yeah I did I did because we we met each other we've known each other for over a decade now. He has seen he sees me the way I would love the world to see me right and

“like I think I'm a pretty good representation of that you know what I'm saying but he really a hundred”

percent is just like I want you to I want the world to see you how I see you you know and he is that

and wants to see me succeed and wants to see me happy and when I say these things too like

am I just gonna die alone he's like pro no but you gotta start looking at the right but that's why I was really talking because we really talked to each other for three hours a day right now just about like such real life stuff and real life things as well as him like you know the next song I'm releasing is a song that I played for him and he was like y'all it's great this is gonna be your greatest song but I want to help you take it there you know I want to help you

take it there and then is it rap or is it rock it's a little bit it's it's it's definitely not rock

“but there is a little bit of my like rap influence in it and it's an interpolation and I think”

we're gonna maybe talk about like dropping this right around the release of the song yeah absolutely and when will it be releasing what when will it be released June 7 okay yeah June 7 is when releasing it and it's like me interpolating you are my sunshine which is like in in this such cool way it's like

so cool how we did it and how we made it happen but I've always been avoiding writing the

sun song like mod sun modern sunshine like I've always been avoiding like writing the sun song like I don't want to put my finger on the pulse like that and like I finally did and I found this like really awesome way to do it it's like my my favorite I've ever saw in my like coolest lyrics that I just feel like a different artist right now and every time I listen to it it's like the first time but but he's there for me that for that kind of thing and then as well in his music like I've written

songs with him for his music and we just look to each other for that but more more importantly like

“our bond as friends is so powerful it is so you know meeting in the middle of two totally different”

people we're two totally different people and so opposite and I've just never had a friend that like truly like carries about me the way that he does I don't know if I've ever read anyone of my life that cares about me the way he does you know he's really yeah like he really is like we were we were meant to be best friends in this life and like probably cross paths in another life and really you guys were probably brothers yeah yeah cool yeah cool and like it's so funny like Megan

says stuff like that for sure too she's like you know but yeah I've just never I've never felt like someone be so you know I don't feel like a burden to him at all like if anything it's like I'm I don't tell him enough you know and I've been really good in my whole life avoiding conversations about myself you know I really like to be the person I read the 40 it lots of

power way too early in my life in the first the first the rule is like never try to outshine the

“person in the room like you know I don't know if I agree with all of the 40s no and also it's one of”

those books that if you have read you just don't have to be right it was like written by a narcissist yeah yeah I didn't know it was okay to say that because I didn't know that was like your thing and it's also one of those books that I'm like yeah I'm just not going to tell anyone that because they are like if they've read it to they're like oh see you're an asshole too yeah I can do it souls they're like oh so you're just like yeah I tried to get into it because

I went through a whole spiritual I've been going on my spiritual journey since fucking I got sober and 2017 and to now as I went through a phase where I like wanted to read books and I was like this is what I'm going to do yeah even though I have 80d and fucking can't do it but I can and let's audio books all day long. fucking reading them can't do it. it's a it's a task literally it's a you got to really put yourself to do it and plan it's weird how much you plan it's like

people are supposed to just like be like oh yeah this is my like read a book time and it's like it feels like serious work it's like school like you're the same thing I'm like I'm gonna read book a week this year and I'm like I get like one month into it I'm like yeah I'm gonna read a book a month yeah my husband will do that and he'll read four books in a week and then he won't read for the rest of the year yeah he's like I'm taking all I need from it yeah yeah literally

but I did I tried to read the 48 laws of attraction and I fucking started reading and I was like is this like some fucking like weird linguistic fucking hypnotic type like program your mind type shit and I was like I don't know I don't want to consume this and there's that there was the information that I was able to like put towards my life yeah and then there was also stuff that made me way less human right yeah I'm successful but I hate myself you know what I say it's like

like the hustle to everybody around me to get here what the fuck yeah no crazy right yeah I love hearing that about you and Kelsey relationship because which I just recently started calling them cows because my husband was like yeah they actually called me when they're in the studio yeah because jelly walked in was like a man do I like call you like calls it now something

call me and I was like bro if you don't call him cows I'm gonna be so bummed I was like you know him

right I hate the call something I'll never call him that's like the first time it's coming out

out of my mouth actually ever is that it's so perfect I only call him cows and I'm just like hate the like oh I know Kelsey like yeah yeah that's when people say I know Jason I'm like oh you

“don't know I'm yeah Jason's like husband yeah yeah exactly I was like I think you're talking”

about Jim yeah exactly yeah exactly but I love that you said that about him because I got that feeling about him too because I'm really protective about my husband and who he brings around and I'm always the I'm the wife who's like keep an eye on him and every time I say that something fucking proves right and then when I met cows I looked at both of them and I was like I'm so glad you guys have this friendship I was like you guys both need each other because I feel like he needs a big

brother yeah and I feel like Jay needs a little brother yep and I feel like and we just want to watch and then watch this and now it's like it's just it's a sweet little family vibe yeah I mean my mother thing with cows too is I'm just like you know he's at a he's at a hard time truly being misunderstood so what what I what he says to me I want the world to see you I see I'm like that times 10 with him because I'm like you're so fucking misunderstood if anyone got to have

one conversation with them they'd be like sweetest guy ever niceest person like love this person that coolest fuck not arrogant so humble so everything it's just the perfect fucking human me

of like everything and he's definitely opposite of what I thought when first because I've had

girls on the podcast who have dated him and you know they didn't of course they didn't have great things to say but you get this idea of somebody once you hear it from numerous people yeah so when I met him I was like oh this is just a sweet boy who has a wall up you know like a hundred percent and it was just like oh I get it now you know and genuine and authentic and all the greatest qualities of a person and I I can't wait you know I think he should I think he should

do your podcast I think he should do a podcast in general I'm like it takes 10 clips to rewrite his narrative and I just can't wait for the world to really know and that's not even saying that they know like I think he has millions of people that love him it's it's really just

being like I can't wait for the other million that are out there that don't understand him to

understand who he really is because he's the fucking greatest person I've ever met my entire life he's lucky to have a best friend like you I'm so lucky to have this best friend and the caveat on that is now we live two minutes from each other and like it'll be three a.m and he's just like walks in my door or vice versa and it's so great it's a family you need it you know you got your sister and now you don't have any brothers right no there you go I have a step brother oh gotcha yeah

I have a step brother super cool right no so take me on the sobriety journey because you said that you're about to hit five years or about to hit five years congratulations thank you so much sobriety fucking sucks it I thought everybody but it's like it's the realest dream and when I say sobriety sucks I mean not in like a joking way because you really get to know yourself yeah

“and you have to fucking deal with some of the hardest shit you've ever dealt with in your life”

the minute you decide to come become sober it change everything about me also the time that you know if you you can you can kind of backtrack to five years from now or five years ago where the world of like cocaine which was my fucking everything you can kind of track work got really scary and it's right around that point when did you start using 2000 11 okay how old were you so I was like 21 type shit like 20 I'm sorry like 23 22 so maybe it was

early and I started I really started doing cocaine like 22 years old yeah and like and was that person it's so funny cocaine is such a fucked up drive because it was like I was anti that anyone whoever like did it around me was like oh my god but yeah dude I did one line I was addicted from first line yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and total alcohol I mean my dad passed away from being in alcohol like and party animal and you know was literally doing cocaine with me up and

you know when I was fucking fucked up like for real like so dad resurfaced oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I would love to get into all that too if we if we I know we've been talking for

“fucking what seems like it's about you you know if you want to talk about it oh I'm here. I'm not kicking”

you out of it. I was addicted from the first line in cocaine I did I have the alcohol gene where it's like I can just go and go and go and go and being on stage and being in that

became be the best drug addict be the best alcoholic and when you're trying to be the best drug addict

“the best alcoholic it means you do more than anyone else you know um and cocaine's a funny”

fucking thing because when you first start doing cocaine it's like yo like you wanted to like you

wanted to like let's do okay on the table right here for us and it quickly turns into buy yourself in the bathroom you know or like if you had a couple drinks oh yeah but I was like a dark addict you know what I'm saying I was buy myself doing eight balls buy myself I did that one night not not to party just to fucking just sitting behind a microphone just like all right like making this law and you know what I'm saying like like all all night I mean it was it was

bender after bender after bender like I was up for three days type of person and adding and it went on for you know like over a decade of my life and to the point that there was like really scary times really times where I was like able to hide it because that was the the whole thing is

“I was functioning as a functioning addict alcoholic right um but to pass out to finally pass out”

after being like tweaked out on cocaine for two days my thought in my head was that I had this slam about a whiskey you know to do it so it's just like the cocktail that kills you you know absolutely um I used to cocaine in zanx that was my shit yeah so I'd get solo that I had to come back up and then I'd have to go back down again I don't my heart is fucked yeah 100% and 100% yeah like my my heart is fucked because it's just like need stimulation so much that now I'm like

like I said I've drank a fucking four shots of his presence in a sea floor and I'm like the my I don't know I don't know like that's kind of like I operate in those ways and it's not great but but regardless of that so like I I have been going going going on this journey and uh I've

basically like one day after funny enough why I also have so much uh love in my heart for Bella

“who we were talking about earlier is like that was the reason I got sober was the end of that”

relationship that relationship ended funny enough echo chala so fucking LA I was about to say and I love story yeah it all so gross it ended echo chala and it ended echo chala like literally at the festival and I had a friend who lived out in the middle of Joshua Tree and had just had like air stream trailers and I just took all my drugs in a backpack and went to this air stream trailer in the middle of Joshua Tree and was like hold up in there for two days to the point that like my

friend was just with us tonight shut up losty uh he he was like my quote unquote like a assistant like living with me at the time kind of a caretaker in a lot of ways because I was like he might really bad phase of being an addict he like had to drive down from LA to Joshua Tree like throw me in the he found me in an air stream in the middle of Joshua Tree like pastel was like a bag of cocaine on my fucking chest legitimately and uh threw me in the back of the car and like drove

me back up to LA and from that moment on I went on like a six day bender that if I shut my eyes from maybe an hour every three days during that like I really was like pushed it to my limits and uh I was like on a suicide mission I really did I really did and um it was also just mixing like fucking lipids and and uh academy and all the all the all ridiculous like stupid just like ridiculous but anyways um after this like long I wasn't at was staying at my house or staying at my

friend's house after this long like four or five days of being at my friend's house just out of my mind I like came back to my house and lined up this like really bad fucking caterpillar landing cocaine snorted at my eyes when rolled them to the back of my head and um my guy who was talking about

losty basically like found me just fucking out down and out like on my back before like came to him

didn't have to go to the hospital, it came to him and was really like damn that that was it like I just got my second lease on life, I'm fucking done, I'm fucking done and I'm so happy you and and to everyone out there that is at all thinking of sobriety or what can come with it or you know how to do it or whatever like I look at it in a way that I also made this great trade and it's like again the world makes you think that it's not okay to ask for something when you're doing

something that's like good for yourself right oh I asked for something okay I was like I have I knew cocaine was gonna kill me from literally a year into doing it I was like cocaine is going to kill me okay I had these big wide dreams in my eyes of being super successful as a musician and you

here and all that and I was blocking my blessing because I was bringing around a suitcase filled with

“shame everywhere I went okay I felt shameful every time I did a lot of cocaine okay so I can be”

working as hard as I've ever worked and going so hard and making great things and doing all this but I am telling whatever is up here I'm a god person ever since I got sober it brought me to like faith in God and all that before it was just like the universe and you're just telling whatever you believe in that you don't deserve it because you feel shame about yourself now if you're an addict that doesn't feel bad about fucking drinking or doing drugs or any of that I don't think you're blocking

your blessing I don't think it's great for you but I don't think you're blocking the blessing because you're not telling the higher power that I'm a piece of shit I was telling the higher power I'm a

piece of shit I don't deserve it I don't deserve it and so the second that I got sober I was like

check it out I was like god I was like whatever this is then I'm talking to like I'm gonna show you that I'm worth it and I'm gonna make the great trade and the great trade is I am going to change my life and stop all this shame put down the cocaine put down the alcohol put down the drugs and in return I want you to give me my dreams I want you to give me my fucking dreams and I swear to you not like within a year like every one of those dreams that I hadn't checked off of my bucket list

happened just like that and I'm just like yeah it can sound selfish to be like I want something in return but I fucking did and I fucking got it and and it helps me stay sober knowing that like I owe a favor I even owe a favor of being like thank you so much you did it and like whatever I do from here on out fucking extra credit it's extra credit because I know that I asked you for a specific

thing and you fucking gave it to me that's amazing that is a beautiful story I love that

even in your lowest moment you because most people will like overdose or go through something like that and they'll be like oh I made it maybe I should do it again or they don't learn their lesson and in that moment you were like no fuck this I'm fed up and I'm gonna do better and it seems to be a pattern in your life of proving that you are worth it and I think that stems from maybe you're dead not coming around as a little boy and but that's been your drive yeah what has been your cross to bear has

also been your saving grace you know and that's beautiful no but it's so real and I'm so proud of you

“like I'm genuinely proud of you that that's why I say sobriety does suck but it's the most rewarding”

journey you ever be on yeah and I think a lot of people in this world need a role model like you they need somebody who's you know looks like you cool and tattoos and is in the music industry that is showing like hey I have fucking struggled my ass off but I'm still fighting I'm still here you're not gonna keep me down and that's that's a role model to me that's what people need I love that and now I would love to be that would love to be able to do that for anyone you know

that is that is truly my goal like in my prayers too I'm just like allow me to be of service like allow me to be of service today to all all the people down here and you know and and just reminding myself that that that service can come as far it can be as huge as is saying something that change is something like it can be as small as it's holding the door for someone you know and just like lead with that keep this light around you and you know finding your worth and finding your purpose

and all that is really important but like it all boils down to like dude how do you just like how are you just proud of yourself yeah how are you just proud of yourself how did you do something nice today that made you feel proud of yourself yeah that's so real yeah can you talk about doing drugs with your dad like he came back around and yeah yeah 100% so like my my father we had these points in our life where I would go years without talking to you know through being like meant

fuck you your piece of shit or fuck you you hurt my sister you know her relationship was even harder like with him in a lot of ways you know and like you know you can fucking go outside

“if you need to because I know you can start crying I have dad trauma too so I'll probably cry”

with you guys really big hug I'm sorry and so like you know he was a couch surfer

hustler all the way until the day he died but basically we had gone years

thought talking to each other and his girlfriend one day because I had so he he was living out in Long Beach I got by the way I got sent out in the middle of high school senior year my mom couldn't couldn't handle me anymore because I was just like a trouble kid she sent me to go in the high school live with my dad in Long Beach which was like the funniest decision she could

I was on tour one time this is why we had our big follow I was on tour one time and I ended

“to tour in California this was like broke boy touring still I was still in a band and I came”

and said it is house and I was there and like we got wasted together me and my band was there we were having like this like party we got wasted together I walked out on the street lights with me looked at me both of us fucking blackout drunk he looked at me and he's like the doctor told me I got a month to live and I was like what the fuck is like what the fuck I was like I'm not going back home like my band can go back home without me this is when

I literally like was like out because okay it's funny I kind of skipped over something in the band thing I got kicked out of that one band I got picked up by another band of play drums that led me to be it in this giant band called scary kid scaring kids playing drums and it all it all yeah I played drums to that and it all worked out my first tour ever as my son was scary kid scaring kids going yo will you play drums for us and I was like I'll only do it if I can open as my

son well so my whole first come from it stands for movement on dreams stand under nine I looked

up at the sky one night I said what is my name it came into my head and I never questioned it

came into my head I'm ODSU and what does that mean movement on dream stand under none what does that mean modern sunshine like that that was it and I never questioned it once there was never any other name it happened in one minute you're so spiritual without even really knowing it for sure I mean you might know it now but back I don't know if you did I like to believe it it's hard to convince yourself

“sometimes that you're like connected to something but I believe it for sure but my first tour is”

my son was literally performing to a hardcore post-hard core like crowd being just boot off stage coming out wrapping over my guitar as party in USA like did he just boot off stage so let me give me the footage yeah it's real talk it's not there it's all sent into but anyway so I go after this tour my dad's like sizes to me and I'm like yo everyone can whatever I got my laptop with

me I'm just gonna work on the smarts on music that I really believe in and and he never mentioned it

again after that night and he didn't die and I didn't see him go to the hospital and I was like what the fuck is going on here dude like why would you tell me that and nothing happened and I was like there for like fucking like four months like being like what the fuck is going on yeah and I'm not gonna say what I think was going on because I truly don't know but I didn't talk to him for like two or three years after that you know what I mean do you think maybe he knew he had a terminal

“illness and just didn't know how to tell you or do you think you don't think it was I think it was something”

else that I would hate to say because if if I was wrong I would feel like an asshole baby I was a form of manipulation yeah I think maybe I'm fucking wrong and he just was cured I don't know yeah I don't know but it fucked me up and I went like two or three years yeah I went like two or three years thought talking to him and then all this sudden I was living in California okay I had moved out to California by this time fast forward three years living in California living up in

North Hollywood and his girlfriend called my sister and was like yo your father's in the hospital he's on like not like life support but maybe like something like that like dialysis or something yeah okay are you talking about when he started living with me okay so I guess he was in a coma I love how detached you were from it yeah yeah yeah for more pain no no no no no but check this out I drive down there okay drive down the hospital my sister's still living in Minnesota time she flies out

and basically his girlfriend how to show up to be like here's your dad's bag he can't live with me anymore

okay kicking him out I don't fucking blame her at all dude was like a fucking crazy right so I'm like here we go again let's open the door move up to North Hollywood with me my dad ends up literally sleeping on my couch like I'm talking on my grown-up father like sleeping on my couch and like being like my kid and my dad knows that when I'm talking like I'm not talking down because I in the same sense it's all be like coolest dude that I've lived coolest fucking dude that I've lived and I would not be

me without him you know this is not like hate train this is just like what it was you know it's pain that you're allowed to talk about yeah and you know so he starts living with me and we're having a great time because this is like my friend you know this is like truly my friend and and so you know we're

of control I'm talking like the ugly cocaine where you just have like a plate out at all times

“then they're done that yeah I had a candle like a candle and that we had lines just lined up on”

yeah we think it's so glamorous yeah so my space yeah so rich I know I know and and yeah I mean

he just proceeds what what really fucked up was that the doctor was like dude can never drink again

you know if you ever drinks again he's gonna die did he have a cirrhosis of the liver yeah okay so it's like he ever drinks again he's gonna die he's in your care and I'm like I'm like dad you can't drink you cannot drink because you're not dying on my hands you cannot drink he's like didn't tell me I can't do coke right they just don't want help me I'm like I'm like you're not wrong I'm like shit like it's 3 a.m I'm by myself

I guess it was blow these lines down like yeah you're not wrong they didn't say that you know they just said no alcohol and like again dude was so cool I wish everyone in the world

“comedian because he was so cool in charismatic and funny life was age-octone him life was literally”

the purpose of life was to make people out and he would make you fucking laugh he would own every room he walked into and make every fucking he had women like women loved this man charismatic he he could be living out of his piece of shit car and he would be able to be in a relationship with a beautiful woman like they loved him it's probably his man

probably his first life here yeah yeah true true certainly and then

man just fucking guns ablaze and yeah life's a party yeah and so I ended up moving out of that house to another house down in Laurel Canyon and I got a room for him because I was like aren't my dad like rolls with me like this is my road dog like you come on tour with me do this is me like whatever and things were going fine and then I went into his room one night and I found a bunch of plastic bottles of vodka under his bed and I was like yeah I was like you're out

I was like you're out bro because I'm you're not dying under my roof yeah like I'm not going to take the responsibility that I'll live with for the rest of my life that you fucking died under my roof you're out and it was so hard because again I had to disconnect from my father again yeah the same cycle all over again you know but I knew it was the right thing and I knew it was the right thing to do so then he goes off lives with another girlfriend you know that was kind of his thing you

go find a girlfriend and live with and and it's it's hard because you know we didn't die he didn't die on the best term so he's each other you know because like another two years whatever went by and damn dad was hanging on yeah for dear life yeah yeah and you know I you know I got a call last night I've talked about this before so I'll talk about it again just because it is a

big part of the story but I got a call from him one night we always had this deal he was like if I die

you get my bird he had an African gray parrot it's a whole fucking life this was his best friend he had a love relationship with this bird for real he was this was his his soul mate was his bird and he was like when I die she's yours right and so I got a voice mail on my phone one night that's like hey man I could hear it in his way hey man you know so I came up ruby's yours I'm like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck's going on so I give my

car and I started driving on the Long Beach and I'm calling him over and over and over and over and over and he finally answers like it's already done man don't even just turn around just turn around it's already done the deals are already done just turn around I'm like dude I'm 20 minutes away just hold on just fucking hold on dude I get to fucking Long Beach I kick open the door and he's like sitting there it is like fucking racing you know like in a pool of blood and shit and I walk in

slip on the pool of blood falling into it and if I can just start slapping him slapping him just like what's your favorite home brother song what's your favorite home brother song he like his eyes come open he's like whipping post if anyone who knows the song whipping post like is like I feel like diet it was like the crazy side is saying that say but anyways that being said ambulance was called came and brought him back to life saved his life brought him back to life all good you know shit happen

it is so traumatic it's very traumatic like I'm trying not to cry very traumatic you know and all

“good and he made it through and you know at that moment I was like that you need to get help”

when you get it let out of this hospital stitched you back up you got these badass stitches now

I'll put you anywhere you need to go to get help I got you whatever you need and he was just like

man I was wasted I don't even remember what happened you know my mom who has this horrible

“relationship with them causing them and is just like you need to apologize to your son apologize”

I need to apologize to your son and he's just like I won't do it you know and so boom we split we split there that was when I was like whatever but that was when I went started going really off the rails because this was still drug addict taste you know I went really off the rails that's a lot of scary scary scary my family won't pick up the phone you know the crazy thing is like when when I got into my car after the ambulance came picked him up I was like you son of a bitch I was like

you my crazy kind of narcissistic mind as well it's like you were giving me a story weren't you you were giving me some kind of crazy story from my life like weren't you like you son of a bitch

I almost got from that story and I was going to say this in the second was I feel like your

“dad knew that you would save him yeah so I don't think he really wanted to die at that moment I think”

he just I don't think he did you knew I don't think he did it and also I did I also part of me is like part of me is like my dad is a dude who doesn't want to look like a faker you soon as he found out I was on his way that's when I think he did this I am so sorry and that's not okay no it's not okay and and that was when that was when I really had to cut off this relationship that was when I really had to cut it off understandably yeah I really had to cut it off because I was like oh my god this is like

fucking insanity I was like this crazy also and then in the same breath I was like you son of a bitch you wanted me to have this god damn story you were like pivotal fucking whatever in my life this is when everything changed and now I'm worth it to be an artist like whatever tortured artist syndrome

“like Van Gogh cut off his ear that the whole god damn thing through every artist and I think it”

have to be tortured to be brilliant yeah my dad was like that I'm like you gave me this all right I'm gonna wear it as my badge of honor now and whatever I mean he's given you a lifetime trauma yeah what I mean that was a huge piece of it yeah yeah yeah and would reach out every now and then and then the the bummer is this is like we were supposed to meet up like maybe this was like two years after this happened we're supposed to meet up he's like hey man I'm coming down I had like healed

from this a little bit I was like yes let's get lunch you know let's get lunch I healed from this you know and and and and and I do want to talk to you and god damn it I miss you you're about fucking dog you know you're my dad of that little boy and you just wanted your daddy and yeah and he was he was he was he made plans to come down on a train and then oh my god I didn't zip up my fucking zipper after I can't fucking I went to the bathroom I play because they we got camera angles

but keep that in I'm a real person and and so he was he was he he had he was getting on a train to come down and then day before he's like hey man so can you pick up me and my girlfriend from the train station and then can you take us to this classic car a lot we're gonna look at Biden's car and I was like bro what the fuck I'm not trying to see you and you're you were coming down to my you were coming down to see me now this is about you and your girl coming down

to buy a classic car like what the fuck I was like no I was like no dude no I was like I was gonna see you and I was like it was a lot for me to even say I was gonna go get lunch with you you know yeah and I was like no no it's not happening and and then shortly after that he went into another coma and that was how we went out but but the caveat to all this is that when I got to go see him in the hospital I brought a little one of those little like JVC speakers in my pocket

and it was during COVID so it was a one at a time thing and like my sister went in you know

my sister never should have done all this but she had to take on like all of this like the adult you know

because he had no one he had no one and my sister took this all this all I wish me I love you I love you like if she is good about you have my glasses um and anyways anyways anyways anyways anyways cool rock and roll part about it is that I got my child just hug right now I feel like everybody's crying and I feel like we need hugs and shit yeah I got it come on keep going yeah um cap we cap in the cool part here we go okay so like my sister goes in in

and I fucking turn it on full volume and play whipping posts by the almond brothers and I get

“kicked out of the hospital oh no very rock and roll and I gave it I know he was”

because because when I said I was like what's your favorite almond brother song in this crazy time I was like man that might be the last thing that he heard she's like his walking song dude and uh uh uh but I thought that was just the way that he wanted to go out and I was like I'ma get that to you pops after all this shit like hell yeah you know that's the way you'd want to me get kicked out of the hospital coming to see you know oh my god and that is a lot

yeah a lot to unpack a lot to process a lot to hear I couldn't imagine living through that you know you and your sister both are so you guys are making me cry man you guys are so lucky to have each other straight up 100% yeah you guys are really lucky to have each other to just go through all this fucked up shit together and you know I have trauma with my family too and I have

“learned with my dad especially and my mom and before my mom died I was kind of the same”

thing with I inherited custody of her and talking at and she her and I ended up not talking and she ended up just dying abruptly one day in my care and the biggest lesson that my mother ever gave me and her life was in her death and it was forgiveness that if no which it forgiveness is on everybody's own terms and on your own time but forgiveness is for you it's not for them and you know our parents for some reason that generation of human did not want to fucking fix their trauma

they were content being fucking wild aliens and you weren't gonna tell them they were gonna live their life how they wanted to it didn't matter who they hurt and we are here to correct that you're a general you're breaking generational curses every day I've I've been telling myself that for a long fucking time you are you are you you're you're doing it I was like my dad was so close to being the fucking coalition in the world and he just couldn't get past this one thing and I was

like yeah I was like the the the the tree was not like this and then you know for me on out it goes like this you know yeah no but you are you guys are both breaking generational curses you guys are doing everything right and you guys are just beautiful humans and I want you to know that I'm so sorry that that is part of your story it's really heartbreaking and there's not much more that I can even no no thank thank you for all that and it you know like again there's like

that flip side to everything and like you know my sister shortly after all this it happened well she had just moved out to LA but but it really is brought us to like this thing where we're just like man fucked the world like we got each other yeah you guys against the world and she goes on tour with me she's she's tour manages and well no wonder she's banging the who are you

banging oh yeah the drummer the drummer no one are you banging the drummer you're always with them

I mean that no I get it no I get it it's the inevitable you got her on tour and everything I mean yeah for sure I'd be banging the drummer too yeah yeah well she's my rotted diet for sure thank you guys for sharing that that was really heavy yeah you know I just hope that you guys are able to find peace with everything one of these days whenever you're ready yeah yeah I feel like I I feel like I have in a lot of ways you know I got I've always felt like I've

been able to like zoom out from the situation I have and like you know obviously just you know you hope for you know my sister's gone through didn't like everything I have but plus more because she was like had to raise me you know in a lot of ways you know because my mom was like a single mom so she had to work all the fucking time you know all the time yeah all the time

had my mom had to work and like greatest mom in the world and is my mom and always felt like my

mom but then when I grow up I realized like being able to talk to my sister that I was like oh no my sister like fucking had to raise me as well you know it's crazy because I don't know if you believe in it but soul families like we pick our families for the lessons that we

“want before we take it away really so I this is what I believe not everybody believes it but I”

I truly 100% wholeheartedly believe that we have soul families and that can reach out to our friends that can be that can be like your sister like your sister could have been your mom in another life and that's why she's so motherly to you your dad could have been like a son in another life and

blowing but my mother like Tyler Henry was just on my podcast and he even yeah it's I you

guys got to see the clip one I take talk because I like 2 million right now fucking it's me

bawling my eyes out but my mom came through and she was like I am so sorry for what I've done to you and she said that she's he's she's showing me the mother and daughter inverted and he she said that you were like her mother and she was like your daughter and this and that just confirmed everything that I've ever believed in because literally I feel like we pick the lessons that we want to go through in life before we get here and I know it sounds crazy and it's weird but it's like our soul

you listen listen it may be the least crazy thing that we talked about the way to me I'm like you know yes yeah yes no but I feel like our soul urns for those lessons and so your lesson

“I always say you have to find the blessing and the lesson in every situation that you have you”

know so it's like in the situation with your dad what was the blessing and what has been the lesson and then from that that is what you have to work on in your life and what you're here for that's your life purpose is to figure out why your life took these turns and when in the trajectory that it did and your dad put you through what he did because your soul urns for that before you came here and what's wild but I mean I think you I feel like you know that for me like 100%

no well let's talk about something fun you want to talk about that that's what's real quick

you brought me a book yes yes did I ever wake up what is this tell me all about it that's my first

book so I have six books out but that's my first book and it's the thing that really changed my life like that truly changed my life as far as like art like yeah of course um it's like Adam you know this was this was uh uh twenty one year old mods on who was living his life by the lava

“attraction in the secret and the only time I ever heard people speak on it especially at this time”

was much older people you know that I was like I want to make a version that youngens can hear those words and actually connect the same thing with the hockey in the hands and thing yeah I want to make that I wanted to make my version of the secret or the lava attraction and what that meant to from the the lens of a younger person um so it's like very like creative writing but motivational it's like the did I ever wake up is like basically being like how to live your life

like it's a dream and believe that you're in a dream and believe that you're like able to do make it just yes to believe that um and it changed my life I mean that book is sold like 200 thousand copies it's it's it's the one thing that I've been able to like live my journey through is like this piece of intellectual property that is my book you know and you have six bucks I've six bucks out yeah tell me um there though this is the only one that's like in this realm

and then I have like two poetry books out and then I have three um journal kind of uh if I had one here it'd be really easy to understand but it's like um I go on some kind of trip and I write the first half of this uh the hunter page thing or whatever I write my story just day by day this day did this this this and then the cover is on the the same cover is on the flip side of the back so you flip it over like that it looks the exact same but then you go to the pages in

their blank so it's like two stories come to live together and it kind of like influences like the younger generation the importance of writing and not just diary entries but like to write and and literature and and the importance of those things that that live between the pages all the answers are in the books truly and uh not my books the books I'm saying like period you know and uh so I just like to influence like the the world to to be in touch with especially like

the importance of literature and just like telling your own story not not for the simple fact of being like the world needs to hear my story but telling yourself your story you know documenting things living like you're dead like that like living like you're dead living making art like you're dead and gone how important would it be for your uh hundred years from now people connected to

your family to find your journal it would be so amazing for them yeah they would love that that

is like my brain is over here to know who my brain is like because I'm writing a book this year

“I actually do about my life but great this is so important it's so important it's I think those things”

I tell is many people possible that like also like check it out do the fucking music is is the one piece of art that I do that I feel has so little intellectual property because my favorite songs like Rolling Stone let's say right I've done like Rolling Stone regardless the greatest song of all time that is 99 cents right now okay a song that a kid just made is very first song that let's just let's just for all six of this argument call it

the greatest song of the world why is it the same price is the song from the kid that just made it last night in one hour not knowing what he was doing yeah why is that okay a book that is intellectual property if I say that book is worth three thousand dollars that book is worth three thousand fucking dollars period and it's under discussion and like I don't care how much it took to make it I don't care how I'm when it's time it looks take it if I say that's how much it

is worth that's how much it's worth and it's the same with my paintings and it's the same with any of the things that I do outside of music because music I'm in this confine of a world that's not changing and hasn't changed and it's like that's just a crazy thing I mean that there's a set price on greatness in that world but a painting you know a fucking basket of painting is selling

for two hundred million dollars yeah and yeah I mean you know I never looked at it that way it's

“amazing it's like that that's why I love those types of intellectual property I think they're”

so important yeah you're not putting your worth compared comparatively like stuck in a world like you could literally tell I you could say I'm making one book and I'm selling it for a hundred thousand dollars and you'll find someone to buy that book no for sure I mean it was sell one at that price you know I'm saying yeah no that's quite old I've never thought of it that way your mind is brilliant it really is and I feel like did you need your own podcast my cast it's coming oh my god yeah

yeah yeah I love that yeah obviously and I'll support it one hundred thousand yeah you need one because this generation needs to hear what you have to say because you are you have so much dev and so many people I do a lot of interviews so many people do not have dev and you really need to have a microphone in front of you that might be your calling and thank you this podcast has been so fucking therapeutic for me I know if you had a podcast oh my god I mean I here with you I

hear you allowing people to like find themselves when I when I listen to your episode and then I also hear you stumble upon things that you're figuring about how to about yourself when you're talking to someone else and you ask the question yeah and you're like oh shit yeah I love it I just you I needed you today like I am I can totally admit that I needed you today me me shaking her head yes because I had no I needed you today like this was such a blessing because I just so I can

had the worst day yesterday and I was just like really questioning a lot of things and then you just came in here and the things that you have said have just like sparked my flame again and I needed that so thank you for that thank you for your time it makes me so happy

“oh that's why she's a manager watch this so years go by and my so I got one of the things that”

changed my life that this is awesome to mention is that after a year and a half of being Mod Sun and make and releasing music is Mod Sun my brand of like rapping and this I got chosen by

Rolling Stone magazine to be one of 15 people put in a contest to be the first on-site artist

put on the cover Rolling Stone right and it was just like this thing that I was like the law of attraction is real like are you hearing me yet like it's real all my songs are about the law of attraction and I'm about I'm in five issues of Rolling Stone right now yeah this is fucking nuts yeah and so while that's going on here comes the guitar player that kicked me out from the other band and he was in a band that was signed and they break up and he sends me a picture of him

having my logo at mass like this tattoo on his wrist and he goes so proud of you bro so proud of

“you bro and I was like I have missed you so goddamn lunch I have missed you so much I was like”

come be my guitar player you are so I'm going out to New York to do this competition for Rolling Stone and beyond camera for a week come be my DJ and guitar player bro I have missed you so much boom he's there we go on for years together to tour the world together and he's guitar and singing and he's been featured on some of my songs and he's a Pat Brown loving to death the what I do and my life and being an artist was not made for him so now he's he's a tour manager now

and he tour managers T.S. though and like he's poppin he's legit he did his thing

brought him back around we fucking had an amazing round travel the world together still talk to

this day the other guy that kicked me out he was my DJ before he became my DJ after after he kind of around no no no it was before he was my first DJ before my friend Pat came around and then he decided

shit's not for me I was like he came to my going away party to move to California I hadn't

“talked to him for like two years he came to my going away party that my sister threw me a surprise”

party she invited him he came we hadn't talked to no while he said man I'm going through this rough relationship I just broke up like I want to quit school I don't know what to do I was like I'm moving to California tomorrow I got an extra bedroom there I have missed you I was like if you fucking want to pack your shit up come live with me bro just what's work together you make art and shit you're gonna do all my covers and shoot some videos DJ play guitar whatever you

want to do you know and brought him back around and now he's still out here he's gone on to be a huge person graphic designer for girls skateboards and now he has his own creative agency and stuff and

so you know I'm super proud of both of them but you broke my damn heart and I never held it against you

yeah it's a Pisces he's definitely a little bit against you yeah yeah you sure you want to fucking be in this same town I love that and then lastly I know I've had you forever but we have to talk about you're gonna be dropping an album yeah yeah yeah we're gonna be dropping an album my first song from this new run of things I have left the internet for the last six months I haven't dropped anything and he in almost a year and I'm coming back with my song that I've been that

worked so hard on this new music but also just came into itself here like I said like I'm went back to Minnesota I was like I'm not gonna make music for three years and if I want to after that cool I will I came in with so much pure intention to make music and I stumble upon making what I like believe is like could be this song that everyone knows me for for the rest of my life you know and cows helped write on it with me my my one of my newest additions to my best friend

“ography he's this guy named No Love who is I think going one of the most talented people around”

it's just this tight knit group that we have and yes I'm releasing songs can be out on June 7 so depending on when this comes out it's either outright now it's about to come out and from there I'm gonna just continue releasing over summer and then I'm gonna go on a tour most likely this will be out when this gets announced too as well at the end of September and yay we'll be on tour too so I get my on tour bus one of her I go on tour with buddy and so hopefully our

paths will cross I can't wait you guys like we could go to one of your shows you come to ours or both

or whatever yeah we'll have to link schedules yeah that'll be fun and I'm just I've never been

more fulfilled with the music I make and and this the simple fact is that like I you know I was drummer growing up and I always wanted to play guitar and get good guitar and I've kept 12 guitars around me at all times throughout my whole life and just never clicked for me and within the last six months due to my really great friend No Love who's incredible guitar player it's clicked for me it's totally clicked and I've been writing all my songs just mean a guitar

and whether they get like a little production on top of that it's all very purposeful production but a lot of it my favorite song I've ever wrote that I've been trying to write since I was 13 years old it's called Morning breaks it's gonna come out this summer it's just my my voice and a guitar the same time recorded playing it and it is the song I've been trying to write my entire life and my friends that mean the world to me are like I cried to this you know I cried to this song

and I'm just like bingo I'm fulfilled I'm just so fulfilled musically my expectations are it's start and end right there and I fulfilled absolutely good let it out into the world whatever these things do grow up on your own and and have a great time out there songs but you have fulfilled me and I'm so proud of that and I have nothing but happiness to to share it with the world and that's all I want to do is share it grow your own legs go live your life I hope you become the

biggest god damn songs that I've ever created but either way you have made me so happy no say they will they will they will I know I believe they will but I'm also like you're a child

“that hasn't been born yet so I'm not telling you you have to be a god damn superstar but I expect”

you to be a fucking superstar they get the fuck up and let's get to work yeah I love that I'm excited to hear it my favorite music is stripped down music like that like a acoustic with where you can just feel it you know like yeah you're gonna be sent it to me I want to hear it get this sneak peek so we can listen to it on the way out well well thank you for coming here today thank you thank you great and I need to do but also also why sorry I need to do like it's I think you know

I tell some of my close friends too like when they're going through something I'm like well you know what go outside and be social go into a social study you might be like man I don't feel like being around

people tonight go out you'll be reminded how much people love you and like that is so crucial

it's okay to do these little like hacks in life it's not all this like be present be in the moment

“make sure that you're focused on the right it's like no allow other people to make you happy as”

well and like don't be so goddamn hard on yourself be gentle go out remind yourself it could be

one person that's like hey am I misty new and you're like I need a lot yeah they just like I need

“a dot good I am great yeah do you know what are you guys fucking doing I'm watching her look at”

her over here everybody's fucking crying no my new best friend god you guys mod I love you and I want you to come back to the podcast as many times as you want if you I would love to come

“and I would co-host me one day or something I would I would love to love you so far I would love to”

all right I love you and thank you so much for having me on this has been the top of why did you tell people where they can find you doesn't case I don't know where you're M-O-D S-U-N on everything my son and you know I would love to meet you all out there anyone out there but see on great great talks really have been great pictures really have been friends are still alive and

well it's never too late to make a new friend I love you so much thank you thank you guys for

tuning in to another episode I've done blonde I will see you guys next week bye