My Boyfriend Hides Me From His Kids

My boyfriend, whom I have been dating for almost two years, I have yet to meet his kids. I've had to hide in his bedroom if they've stopped out even though, so I know he has a girlfriend because he said it's there, so it's told him to date in secret.

What? [MUSIC] Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on? This is John. The doctor, John, alone he's show.

“As of this recording, I think I'm on day five with no power here in Nashville.”

The winter storm is still right on top of us. And I've been out of the state. I got back a couple days ago and it's just been chaos. And being out of state, I was in the wilderness with my son and some friends on a trip. And I didn't have any access to any sort of signal.

And I got back and see all this insanity going on in the country. Not to mention in my house right now. And I don't have anything profound to say. It's just a mess.

And I'm going to keep doing what I've always done,

which is when things get messy, when things get wild. I'm going to stay anchored in so that other people can anchor in to me. I'm going to pull up a seat and try to figure out what's the next right move from my house, from my home, from my neighbors, and then on from there. And if you feel like everything's spun out, I get it, I get it, I get it.

Just know that it's spun out for me, it's spun out for everybody I know. And I'm going to keep plowing forward. Let's stay right here in the frozen Nashville, Tennessee and talk to Katie. Hey, Katie, what's up? Hey, thank you for speaking with me today.

You got it, what's going on? Okay, so my boyfriend, him, I have been dating for almost two years. I have yet to meet his kids who wanted this team and wanted not team. And we don't want the same area. So I drive two hours and 45 minutes on a good day whenever I go there.

And I might have to sit in my car for hours until they finally go to their mom's house.

I've had to hide in his bedroom if they've stopped by to grab something.

“Even though they know he has a girlfriend because he said his therapist told him to date in secret.”

What? And so yes, yeah, and she did. I mean, like, I know that he's not lying about that. And so their mom is with her last affair partner and they'll find with him. But it's more of he had introduced somebody he was dating before me to them.

And they didn't like that he was spending time with her kids or spending money on her. And so he doesn't want to upset his girls. And so he's going to lie to his daughters. I mean, they know that he's dating somebody who I've given and left Christmas present, graduation present. Yeah, but you know if they got him.

But I believe him. I do believe. Why he lies to his family. Of course he's lying to you. You think?

Yes. That one hurts right there. I know. But you know that's true, Katie. I mean, I would hope to not say that one.

You don't think he said they were from me. He's lying to his 19 is he's he's aren't like four in six year old. Right. Well, and here's another thing just that they're all in to it.

So he's never once been in my house.

Because he says it's a really hard drive.

“Okay, so you've heard me say this. Have you listened to my show before?”

Absolutely. Okay, so you've heard me say this. Yeah. And I'll ask you. If behavior is a language, what does he told you?

I know. I know that. I know and everybody has said that and I know it. But you're being used six ways to Sunday, huh? I know the doctor's on. I'm a fixer. I know. And I just think.

I know he has broken from being cheated on so many times with his ex. How long ago did they break up? They have been apart four years and the divorce was final two years. Okay. Now I'm sorry three years.

The divorce has been final three years. Okay. So let me just put you at ease. Okay. And I'm going to break your heart.

Okay. You can't fix him. I don't think he's broken. I think he got hurt. And then he can be a grown man and choose to do the next right thing.

Hold on, listen, it starts with.

“You don't you don't fix a lack of integrity getting cheated on a bunch by lying to your adult daughter.”

I mean, you're that. You don't you don't fix being cheated on by looking at a woman that you've been with for two years and say,

you will never come to you.

You're too far away. You come to me. That's not a relationship. You're your home health. You're a hospice nurse.

Going to him. Sitting in the car for hours. That is not the way you treat anyone with. I wouldn't treat. I mean, I wouldn't do that to anybody.

I mean, I wouldn't do that to anybody. I mean, I wouldn't do that to anybody. I mean, I wouldn't do that to anybody. I mean, I wouldn't do that to anybody. I mean, I wouldn't do that to anybody.

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And if the life you want to live, you're a grown-up in my neighborhood,

“if you want to continue to date somebody three hours away from you,”

who refuses to come visit you, refuses to be honest about you. Right. Then you're within your right to do that. If you are a close friend of mine, if you were my sister, I would say, just, you're worth so much more than this.

You're worth somebody who will drive. Guys, say something's going to make me sound like I'm trying to brag and I'm not. Is that cool? Yeah. Great.

I left a trip that my son and I've been planning for a year. I left it early to get home. So that I could be with my wife in the middle of this crazy store. I could not get home fast enough. I moved flights.

I drove a crazy condition. Like whatever it takes to get home to my wife. And my daughter. Please. You deserve that.

But do you think maybe he's just like where I'm so always there and stable?

Maybe he just is taking me for granted or am I being stupid and making excuses? I don't think those are two mutually exclusive things.

“I think his life is about as perfect as it can be.”

He has a girlfriend who just comes at his back and calls requires nothing of him.

He feels so little about herself that she'll sit in a car for hours,

“so that he can play paddy cake pretend with his adult kid.”

Like he deserves a woman in his life who will stand up and say, "No, I refuse to be hidden." Yes, if this was week two, week three, I get him saying, "I'm not ready for you to meet the kids." Great.

Month six. Great. I could be out too much to super wrong. I'd be willing to put money on the table right now

that those kids never even got those presents.

I could be wrong. I'd lose that 50 bucks. That's fine. I mean, I just want to believe him. I know you do.

I know you do. I know you want so badly to believe him. My guess is he's got some pretty amazing qualities about him too. He's quite funny, quite charming, quite tells you that you're beautiful. All this stuff.

No, that's just it. And that's where I know that I'm stupid. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to let you talk about it about yourself on the show.

Well, Dr. Zoll, and I can tell you that in two years,

he has only given me two compliments. And he says he's not going to do that again. Why? Because he was hurt and I get that back by her dawning. So no, he's not. He doesn't, you know, just complimenting any of that stuff.

No.

“So why do you keep sticking your hand back in the bag?”

Hoping did I get bit by the rattlesnake? This has nothing to do with him or his daughters or his family. You're right. I guess I was just thinking that he might see you like my work. Yeah.

And I get it what you're saying. What's your relationship like with your dad? My, he's busy. Okay. What was it like? I mean, he wasn't great.

I know what your thing. What about your mom? Um, she, you know, she. No, tell me the truth. I'm talking about, I'm talking about nine year old Katie.

Yeah. No, not great just because of the relationship her and my father had. I mean, they were married, you know, until he passed away, but it was not a good marriage. No. My guess is you've spent your whole life wondering what was so wrong with you. And you'll show them.

Yeah. And fixing things that weren't mind to fix. Yeah. That's so exhausting. You have no idea.

Can I tell you your worth so, so much more? So much more. I wish I was that way. I know. And let me tell you, the feeling that you have is powerful and it's wrong.

And I know that's disorienting. I have them all the time. Feelings. I feel this thing is inaccurate. Right.

“And so an important part of growth is challenging those feelings and asking the question, is this true?”

Right. And so when you feel like, I don't feel like I can find somebody in my local community who will just cherish the crap out of me. You can exhale and say, is that true? The answer's no. Right. Can I be honest with you? This is also a safe relationship for you.

You're right. Because you don't have to deal with the sunlight of somebody seeing you and knowing you and celebrating you.

And if you've never been truly seen and known and celebrated that light when somebody shines it on you is a lot.

You feel exposed. You feel vulnerable. You feel naked on a street corner, right? You're right. And so it's easier to stay in the dark with your head down. Giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving. Until you find yourself with a guy, three hours away, who tells you to your face, I will never compliment you again.

Because I did that once and I got hurt. Right. God almighty. It's embarrassing on behalf of all of men. Right.

No, I know. Any man has his girlfriend or partner or wife to sit in the car to hide you. Any man who lies to his daughters? I mean, that's the epitome of low respect. I say it.

I know enough. But hear me say you're not crazy. And you don't think he will change. 100% zero.

“Or he might, but it won't be because you kept hiding in this closet.”

And by the way, I don't want anyone I know. Anyone I speak to to be with somebody who doesn't look for every opportunity to celebrate their romantic partner with. All the time. I understand you how that felt. I know.

Okay. But you're worth seeking that out. And when you, when you finally meet somebody who will tell you that you're beautiful,

tell you that these cookies you made are amazing.

Tell you that they're so grateful that you drove to come see them. Someone who will drive through ice storms and from three states, four, five states over. To get to see you and make sure you're okay. So that you can roll your eyes and be like, I'm fine. I didn't need you to come home.

Right. Yeah. When you find that person, that's going to feel like too much, like scary. Right.

“And then you're going to have to challenge that feeling and say, is this person scaring, scary?”

Or is this person finally celebrating me? Right. And you're worth that. I hate this. I hate this.

I hate this for you. I'm so sorry.

Everybody's worth being seen.

Everybody's worth being known and everybody's worth being celebrated and challenged. And listen, if you weren't seen and you weren't known and you weren't celebrated as a kid, and you were just challenged, challenged, challenged, challenged, criticized, it's hard. It is hard to accept that in adult relationships from friends, from co-workers, from romantic partners. It's hard.

And that is worth fighting for. To be truly seen, truly known, truly celebrated. And those three things buy you permission to challenge and call people out.

“That's the essence of a good relationship.”

You're worth more than this, Katie. It's an honor to get stuck to you. Whatever decision you make next, we'll be with you. We'll be right back. I'm excited to tell you about a new sponsor for the Dr. John Deloni Show.

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That's shop, SHOP. Shopbeam.com/deloney and use code deloney to get $20 off all beam products. Got to St. Louis Missouri and take a call from John. Hey, John. What's up, dude?

Hey, John. How you doing, brother? I'm good, man. How about you? Sure you hear this a lot, but a huge fan.

Been listening for a long time. And just recently, getting through a hard time in my marriage with my wife. And it was what happened to us. We recently left our church of many years, but we were serving as leaders.

And there was a basically a co-paster, very charismatic and definitely liked hugging people.

And on short shore, the friendship grew and the main problem is my wife, what she claims and through my eyes were having innocent conversations through text messages, but a little too, you know, just too close. And so we set some boundaries and-- Hold on, let me make sure I'm following you, okay? Yeah.

You and your wife went to this local church for a while. There was a real charismatic co-paster who was a little too handsy, little too touchy-feely, and also ended up texting your wife a lot.

“And she texted him back and did you see those texts where they make you uncomfortable?”

Yeah, so the first--so we were--we were leaders, so rightfully so we were communicating through text a lot about church business just to keep a simple. And yeah, the first time it made me uncomfortable, and we set boundaries. Like, hey, this got to stop, even though nothing looks bad on the surface, I would still like you to stop. So, you know, let's make a group text, no one on one messages. But as time going on, went on, you know, like little stuff here and there from kind of just somehow they ended up texting again.

Hold on, let's back up. Okay. Part of this part of what I do here is I just want to like peel away any of our defense mechanisms just so we can see reality clearly, okay? So, reality is, she was texting this guy back and forth, some work stuff, some personal stuff. My guess is you're trying to be a man of integrity right now, not talk about about your wife, which I applaud.

But there was some stuff that you saw in that exchange, maybe it was the volume of text, maybe it was the personal information shared that you were like, "Whoa, too much." I don't like this. Yeah. I see this guy and my wife has done this, I've got a terrible radar when I'm talking to people out, my wife will say, "Hey, watch out for her." And I'm like, "Why? Why? Why?"

She just like, "I know." And she has never been wrong, never. And so you had that same radar go off with this dude, you see all these texts with him and your wife, you tell your wife, "Uh-uh."

Like, this is too far for me, this is like, we're going to create a boundary and she said, "Cool, I'm in."

“And then she violated that and started texting this dude on this, it didn't just happen. She started communicating with him behind your back again, right?”

Yeah. Okay, so let me say this. I don't care what the messages were, I don't care how innocuous they were, I don't care. If they were only about the thermostat in the church building or whatever, the need more copier paper, what's important to me is you said, this makes me uncomfortable, she said, "I agree, here's our new boundaries, and she then violated those in secret." That's what matters. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it wasn't one in two times. Of course it was. I know it was. I know it was. And I know you're trying to dance a fine line here between just dumping it all over on the table, and I don't want to push you to say anything you don't want to say. I want you just to hear me say that you feeling like she's cheating on you, whether emotionally, physically, or here's the worst part, you don't know.

And so now your left wondering, "Well, how bad is it? What else do I not know?" Who else is she like all that, right? Yeah, and I mean, I can say I got her, like I will. Yeah, I got her watched pretty closely. Yeah, but that's not great. You don't want to be an FBI agent for your wife. No.

You know what I mean? What did this pastor say when you confronted him? Your own staff, did you sit down and say, "Hey, stop texting my wife?" So that's other thing that really I feel guilt is that when you did a very good job of just playing on the line. And basically, she confronted him about the two long hugs and all that. And he respected it and he went the boundaries and it made the way.

“And one time my wife mentioned like, "Hey, maybe you should say something."”

And I just said, "What did you keep your distance?" Let me ask you, man. This is a guy that you're on staff with. Well, I could think of his just resorting to violence, so that's why. Okay. So you didn't feel like you could talk to him without hitting him?

Yes. Okay, let me challenge you on that. The strength of masculinity is knowing I could, but I'm not going to. You know what I'm saying? That's just emotional maturity.

I'm going to do the next right hard thing. And not put my family into position where I have to go to jail. Right? Yeah. And I get it being hard, but also that's part of our responsibility as grown men to lean in and have the hard conversations and not be out of control.

Our whole world is full of out of control people. And we need guys like me and you to step into those gaps and do the hard thing, but also being control.

“So bring me to right now, what's your question, brother?”

Well, two questions.

The first one is, I still always have, though, kind of that in the back of my mind of, I need to retaliate in some type of way.

Absolutely not. And no shape from a fashion. And I just feel like if I don't, my wife is always going to be like, well, he never did anything to, to kind of, you know, avenge me in a way. Listen, if does this kind of what's in my head? Okay, but listen to me.

If your wife needs vengeance from her husband based on action she took. I mean, that's just madness, it's madness. If if your wife kept not responding. If this guy kept grabbing her and hugging her and she kept trying to push away, she stopped going to this church.

She never responded to these texts.

Yes, like, I would, I would hold you to a count. Yeah, but your wife was cheating on you. She was lying to you. She's going behind your back over and over and over again. Yeah, right?

Yeah, so we, we have left the church. Okay, and we're in a much healthier family focus driving tradition. There's just a mess in that church in general. And we'll good get out. I hope that guy gets fired and I hope he loses his job and hope no one ever hires him again.

But because he's charismatic, he's probably going to find a place. Yeah, that's the gross part of the world we live in. Unfortunately, vengeance is cowardice, brother. Yeah, what you're really trying to avoid is how angry and heartbroken you are at your wife. Yeah, and that's the other part is I just, I definitely feel like I have to have eyes behind my back sometimes with her.

“Okay, you need to get to that level then.”

And here's what that looks like. It's very simple, yet it's very difficult, okay?

You lay down a path towards how she can re-establish trust with you.

However, ridiculous the rest of the world things that path is. No cell phones, delete all social media, what at no deleted text, whatever. She gets to fall that path or be not fall that path. But you trying to be a drone looking over her, every move is going to make you nuts and it's going to make her feel like she's drowning. Because she doesn't have a path forward.

What it sounds like to me, though, is you've made that path multiple times. She's agreed to walk it and then she's not. You know, she's definitely taking the steps now, but we're kind of like months away from it. And when I wrote the letter to you, it was definitely fresh. Okay.

But I, you know, I just still have those feelings, you know, retaliation and then the lack of trust. And let me just.

“Okay. You can have that feeling and then you have to go do the next right thing.”

You, you are not going to solve this problem A through vengeance. You're not going to solve this problem B through just sitting around thinking about it thinking about it. You're just not. It's going to make you crazy. And then you're going to end up doing something that blows your life up.

The path, the path forward is feeling like I want to go find this guy, exhaling. And then go do one chore in your house that isn't normally yours. Go find one person in your community of surf. Go do a thing. Go work out. Go for a run. But your constant rumination on this is going to push you further and further and further.

Don't get online. Don't watch old church clips. Don't sit there and look at this dude and look him up. Which I know you're doing right. Don't follow him on social media. All that stuff. And if you find that I'm stuck and I can't, then you gotta go see a professional ASAP.

“And say, I've got to work. I would tell you, you need to go through a journaling protocol.”

Write this stuff out. Write him a letter that you'll never ever send.

Okay. But you have to decide now, I'm not going to do something that's going to jeopardize me and my family. You, I'm saying. No, I definitely understand and agree. Okay. Do I have your commitment? You're not going to go to something stupid?

Yes, sir. Okay. All right. So you've made that line. You've drawn that boundary for yourself. Now you can choose to be miserable inside the boundary you've drawn or you can choose to say, I'm going to put all my energy into loving well into serving here and to giving my wife a path back to trust.

And I'm going to have these feelings. We all have feelings. That's good data. And then we're responsible for what we do next for our emotional response for our actions after that. And that's hard. It's hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. And if some of this is your guilt that when you saw all these texts, you didn't set up a meeting with this guy and say, Hey, stop texting my wife.

I know she's participating. We're having that conversation at home. Stop, stop.

Then let yourself let that be a moment in your life where you say, I'm never going to not have the next right hard conversation.

But I just don't buy like I can't have the heart conversation. I'm just going to resort to violence. That's a choice. That's a choice. It's a choice. It's a choice.

“And so if you need to write yourself a letter that says, Hey, I should have spoken up and I didn't this time.”

I just get brushing it aside, brushing it aside. I've seen him hugging other people and makes me uncomfortable and I just didn't say anything. Okay, from this point forward, I will never not say something again. And by the way, I've had those moments too, brother. When I stayed quiet, when I stayed silent, and I should have spoken up. It's so I make mental notes of those things. I write them down.

As of now, from this point forward, I've learned, I'm going to speak up, but I'm always going to stay in control.

Because being out of control is the ultimate side of immaturity. And my wife deserves more, my family deserves more, my community deserves more. We need a whole crew of anchored men who can deal with hard things in front of them without resorting to either shove and everything off everybody else or.

But give your wife a path. And then you have to make the decision. If she's following the path, I'm going to stop trying to FBI here. I'm going to stop trying to to be an overwatch. And I have to practice trust.

“And if she violates the trust again, then you have to have a decision to you'll have a decision to make. Am I going to stay in this thing with somebody that has repeatedly violated my trust?”

She chosen to in the relationship. And I'll just make the next right hard move. That's a path in front of you. You're moved, brother. Thanks for the call. I'm really grateful for you. Sorry, this is a huge mess, man. We come back. A woman asks how to reintroduce social media back into her life. I just got home from a big elk hunt out with some buddies and our kids out in the woods. Everyone was using Montana knife company knives.

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“We're going to go out to Nicole in Tampa, Florida. Nicole is a return follow up caller Nicole, what's up?”

Dr. John, thanks so much for taking this follow up call. You got it. So we talked a few months ago, maybe a year ago about your concerns about how much you use social media. And I recommended a 30 day fast. Tell me how it all went and tell me what life has been like since then. Yeah, it's one. It is worth it. Like could you tell me to do a 30 day fast? But once I get towards the end of the 30 days, I chose to extend it until the end of 2025.

And I just recently broke my fast at the beginning of 2026.

And it was. There's, there's a lot of the books that you asked me to read as well as open the nation kind of helped make you a little less crazy during the first initial.

Getting, getting off of it, kind of quick and cool.

“So you read on a Lemke's, what I think is a masterpiece, dopamine nation, what do you think of that book?”

It was really good. It's good. Okay. Awesome. And did you read the ancient generation by Jonathan Hight? Yeah. Yeah. I read that before it's before the other call. Okay. So you got off social media first for about a month and then you keep going and going and going.

Tell me what happened in your body and your relationships and your sleep, all that stuff just being off. The biggest thing was like at first, I mean, in some ways it's still something I'm kind of figuring out. But at first, I didn't realize how much emotion I've just been numbing out on. So there was a lot of good, you know, in some ways I started feeling joy again, but as the fast went on. I started finding like, I need to get some professional help because there's, there's just a lot of, just a lot of stuff that I just haven't dealt with and avoiding trying to deal with.

I think I just, can I applaud you? Mm-hm.

On a Lemke, he was one of a few people who helped me reframe addiction in a powerful way, which is, addiction is not the problem.

It's what works. It helps us numb out. It helps us avoid. It helps us. It's like a great crutch for a hurt foot. If we don't deal with the hurt foot, right? And so you have in the courage to face some of those hard things that you were numbing out on. And with professional help and more, that's, that's awesome. I applaud you, sister. It's good. So why in the world, did you decide, I'm going to start using this drug again, just a little bit.

Like, I was working out at just a commercial gym by myself, and I was finding that just worked out by myself, just wasn't.

“It wasn't enough motivation for me to actually do something. So I switched over to a different gym, that's local, and committed to showing up three times a week for a group class.”

And they have a lot of announcements on their Facebook pages, and just other, some of the thermo. I mean, there it is. There it is. Yeah. Yeah, because I'm not on any Facebook groups at all. I do have a couple of people. And this has happened even with my kids at school and stuff.

There's one or two people in those groups that will text me in my wife, because they know we're not on them.

Like, so I say that to say, there is ways around those things. There's somebody in that group that you could be like, "Hey, I'm not on Facebook at all. You just text me and they be like, "Yeah, of course."

“But there is that underlying, what else am I missing? Which is the drug call, and again, right?”

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, all right. So you got back on. Great time to get back on, by the way, as the world is imploding on itself. Oh, yeah. Nice. Nice. Yeah. It's nice thing in the bubble, because I don't know what, you know, someone so that I've never talked to in years, you know, things about this world event or, you know, different things now that I'm back on, like.

So let me challenge you. You were not in the bubble. You were actually out of it. You were living in reality.

Mm-hmm. All right. And then you decided to go back into literally virtual reality. Mm-hmm. All right. Who said, "What about what?" And I don't even know this person or this actress said this, so this Instagram star said that.

“Like, instantly, I'm mad or I'm not mad or I'm never watching their move. Like, so I'm just interested, like, what does that bring to you?”

Um, that's a good question. And some ways, like, like, as we were just sounds like a feeling of being needed, even though I'm not even in the situation at all, but just feeling important that I know this information. So I am a part of a dad's text thread here in Nashville, all these guys live on my street, or in my neighborhood. And as of, as of this call right now, I'm without power for five days. And we're in the middle of this crazy ice storm thing going on, right? And the number of, can you believe this just happened? Oh, wait, that's not real. Oh, my gosh, we're all angry, angry, angry, wait, man. That's somebody just sent something out. That's not true either. Like, and this isn't a text thread. It's like a group of dads, group of guys.

And so the feeling the need to contribute to quote unquote be heard or to have a voice or whatever, especially in an online platform, I think is, it's a way to avoid. Either a feeling helpless. I feel helpless right now. I feel helpless. My house, my nice house here in Nashville has no power, no water. It's a big giant fort. All right, and I'm looking at like when I got home, I was out of out of state when I got home, my wife and my daughter had formed a camp in our living room. And they were covered. I had like four layers of clothes on and they were like, look how much fun we're having. And I looked at my wife and I was like, they're not having fun.

And she did an amazing job like literally surviving like, why it was wild, right? And we found a place we're staying at a place now. We got heat and we she took her first shower yesterday, I can forward five days. But at this way, I was in an elk camp in the mountains in ten inches of snow and I was more comfortable than she was at our house in Nashville, okay? So I tell you that to tell you this, I feel powerless. And there's something about feeling that and letting that truth just wash over you. And then asking yourself, what can we do next?

And it could be something like my son and I, and this isn't to brag is I'm just telling you what I have, what I did in this in the middle of this. My son and I went and got this chainsaw and we went and cleared roads. Like we literally went and cut branches and threw them on the side so that cars could pass more easily. Because I didn't know what else to do other than I've got to go get involved somehow in some little way. And I don't know what that looks like for you in your community, but all it's say is trying to get online and be a quote unquote a part of something that you're not a part of.

It, it pulls you further away from reality, but emotionally you're invested in this thing, but your body is anchored here wherever you happen to be. You go and I'm saying.

And it makes you nuts because our bodies aren't where they are, right? Our minds aren't where our bodies are. So anyway, all right, so what I feel like I'm talking too much.

“Tell me, tell me how I can help. What's your question now?”

Yeah, I guess a lot of the, like, with the fast, like, like, most of my questions like, how do I continue to move forward, not that I've introduced it back to my end to my life? But, because in some ways, like, on the call somehow I misunderstood where you said to, you know, to go out, you know, once a week and have people come over once a week. For some reason, I, I heard it wrong where I thought was every day, so I was, it was kind of a sprint where I was just, you know, I was getting with people, you know, the going person being weird. And in some ways, now that I've broken the fast and kind of fallen, and some ways back into old patterns with scrolling. It hasn't been as bad as it was before, but

like, sustaining that connection and one of the things to just that has been a bit of a challenge, not that. If I feel like I've just been way more emotional as well. Like, one of the things that I haven't ever really wanted to come to, like, accept, like, I understand it like it's not who I am, but being able just to send the fact of, you know, I got the diagnosis.

“I'm severely depressed, and moving forward with that and also just, you know, where do I go from here to sustain?”

Because as much as I want to just be off social media forever, it's just also having been perfect with this almost thing and all that. Sure. So I think there's a couple of things here. One, most importantly, is taking care of your mental and emotional and physical health. For me, the only manageable way is I give myself a very strict time limit, and for me, it's a work tool and nothing more.

And so for you, if it's a stay informed tool, great. But after you've seen the first global event, you've seen it choosing to look a second time is choosing to take a second ring.

And it sounds to me like, that is a level of control that right now you don't have. And so abstinence is probably the next best thing.

“Okay. And that means you're going to have to get news from other places. I get mine from marginal revolution.”

Alex Tabrock and Tyler Cowen. They're just data-driven dudes and they're quirky and ironic and funny and direct. And that's where I get my news from. And I get my news from people who are on scene. I call actual people if I need some information on something. And I recognize I've got an advantage there, right? Because I've got people's cell phone numbers who are experts and stuff. Other people don't have. So I get that. But I've got a privilege there. But all I have to say is, I'd rather you up your time at the gym to four days a week.

Then go down to two days a week and spend another full day on social media. I would rather you sit down with your doctor and say, okay.

My body's depressing and a powerful way. I want to head right into this with you with your therapist and we're going to figure this thing out.

And it might be my wife. I don't know how she can get in and out of social media. She doesn't have it on her phone, but she can get into these things and get out and it just doesn't face her. It's amazing. She also can eat a whole bowl of pasta and not finish it up with two bags of Oreos. I can't do it. I've just moved on. I probably could do that, but it's not worth the fight for me. So I'm right. It's part of growing up, part of wisdom, part of maturity and I hate to use that word. But it's just knowing here's my limits on stuff. Here's my limits.

And I'm not going to push past those limits. I've pushed past them before. So it sounds to me like right now. Getting back off social media is the right thing to do and then to further dig into with the right professionals. It's taken at one extra step at your gym and saying, hey, I'm not on Facebook. Well, somebody text me and two or three people, but yeah, of course we got you. And don't forget a couple of times that's part of it, but they'll remind you and then you'll be like, cool. Let's grab coffee afterwards.

But yeah, I'm making a regular routine where I'm going to have people in my house once a week, once every two weeks.

I'm going to go to things. I'm going to go to a comedy club. I'm going to go to a movie. I'm going to go do some stuff and get out and see real people and experience real things. And if it gets down to it, I'm going to get some hedge clippers and put on my heaviest coat and my heaviest boots.

“I'm going to go cut limbs out of the neighborhood because that's literally that's what I can do right now.”

And yeah, if you can't hold on to it right now, grieve it. There's a big cool if you could.

But just make peace with that reality and then say, okay, here's my reality and I got to go decide what to do next.

Give it another 30 days, Nicole. Give it another 30 days. And then really head towards joy and towards as emotional as those big emotions that you've been. Um, slowly starting to numb again. Thanks for calling sister and proud of you. Most of us don't think about our mattresses until we're tossing and turning and waking up exhausted. But sleep is the foundation for everything, your mood, your relationships, even your mental and physical health. You can't fake being well rested.

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With helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. We got a money and marriage question. These are one of the anonymous questions left at the money and marriage retreat that me and Rachel Cruz put on a couple times a year. Here's the question that was left in the box. What's in the box?

How can my wife and I work on taking accountability in our relationship without feeling or acting like the parent? I need a lot more context on this, so I'm going to have to make up something, make up a situation. Parenting is about curation. It's about censoring. It's about protection. It is about my job as a parent is to make sure my child is safe and be appropriately adding weight to the bar of life through responsibility through consequences so that they can feel the weight and get stronger over time.

In a marriage, we are co-creating something. We are making decisions together on boundaries, on values, on who we are going to be. And so when it comes to, I'll give a little situation, helping with chores or on the house.

“If it ends up, you need to do this and you never do this, then that is a fast track towards resentment.”

That is a criticism at the highest level. That is contempt. I'm up here and you're down there. I see that I'm doing all of this and I and I and I, so you, you need to. That's a more of a parenting tack. And you'll feel like parents and then your partner will feel like they're being parented and they will drive you apart. We're going to be like this. And as a part of we being like this, you are going to do X and I'm going to do Y. And so when we both say that we are in this together and one of us isn't pulling our weight.

I'm struggling with we made a commitment and I feel like I'm doing my part, but I feel like I'm doing it by myself.

“Notice every time I spoke, I'd never said the word to you.”

And I said, I, I'm taking ownership. I agreed. We agreed. I said, I would do this. I feel like this. I don't know what to do next. Please help me learn how I can better communicate because I thought we agreed on. And there comes a moment in any relationship when if somebody is not doing what they said they were going to do. It's not a parenting thing to call that out. That's called being in a true. That's being in a marriage. Just being in a partnership. It's being in a business arrangement, friend arrangements, all that. You said you would fill in the blank. You did not do that thing.

That is accountability. And in marriages, since paternal or much or no, have you ever said there is consequences. We said we were not going to have a house where alcohol played a predominant role. I continue. I will not fill in the blank if you come home drunk if you continue to drink. You are continuing to drink. So the consequences I am going to fill in the blank.

“What most people do is they sit there and say you need to. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. You didn't. Why not?”

And what I want people to do is to begin to shift to here's what I'm going to do next because we made an arrangement and only one of us is up pulling our into the bargain.

So that's the best I can tell you. It's kind of a mushy. I don't know. Kelly, do you have any ideas? No, I think you did a good job of that. You hold me accountable all the time. Actually, you're like my mom too though. That's fine. Thanks. I mean, like you get mad at me and scold me and stuff like that.

“Do you remember what your mom said to me the first time I remember?”

No.

Standing out in the hallway out here. Literally the first time and shook hands nice to meet you and she said, I am so sorry.

And pointed to you and she said, I did the best I could with what I had.